Random Thoughts

Monthly Check-In

2008-02-20T00:31:00.000-08:00

Months and months are passing by without a blog post from me. It is the saddest thing ever. I do so apologize. I’ve been all sorts of busy lately. With roughly 2343451234 things going on. Let me see if I can remember anything worth noting on the blog.

I turned 30 in January. And my body immediately went on strike. I caught The Virus From Hell and was sick for about three weeks surrounding my birthday. No bueno. I actually spent my birthday evening laying on my couch, waiting for it to be 8 o’clock, so I could go to bed. It was awesome. Then I went to New York the weekend after my birthday to celebrate with theater and friends. The theater and friends were good, but the ear infection/pressure from hell thing I had from flying while sick was not so good. Ugh.

My favorite part of my birthday trip was the fact that my driver’s license expired on my birthday and I hadn’t gotten the new one in the mail yet. This meant I was traveling with an expired license. No one in any of the airport security lines noticed that it was expired, but the lady handing out the hearing devices at Spring Awakening called me on it and didn’t want to give me the device because my license was three days past its expiration. Cause apparently people are stealing hearing devices left and right on Broadway. It’s a crisis, I tell you. Look for 20/20 to do an expose on it soon. Whatever.

In other big news I have sold the idea for my next book. This is exciting, right? Except for the fact that I once again am going to be putting my body in peril for the sake of my art. Good lord. This time, instead of marathon-ing, I will be cycling. Really far.

There is an AIDS ride from San Francisco down to LA in June and I’ve convinced myself that it would be a fantastic idea to participate in said bike ride. I’m hoping to at least make it out of San Fran. Beyond that I don’t have many expectations of my cycling abilities.

I did buy a (ridiculously expensive) bike and a helmet and even some spandex shorts with a padded butt. So I’m all set, right? What is that you say? I need to get on the bike? Oh, that doesn’t sound like nearly as much fun as just hanging around in the spandex and helmet.

The unfortunate news for all of you is that I’m writing a book about this lovely adventure, so I’m not really at liberty to write about it here. As I should probably save my writing for the actual book. But I am hoping to make some little videos of my travels and training (and trips to the hospital). So maybe that will be as good as reading.

I’ve also got another pretty big “project” on the horizon, but I’m gonna hold off on detailing it for now. I mean, I wouldn’t want to overwhelm you with too much info. Gotta save something for next month, you know.

Hello Out There

2008-01-10T19:33:00.000-08:00

Hello people. I’m alive. I’m ever so sorry that I haven’t updated this blog in a friggin month. I would like to say that I have been out living an exciting life and didn’t have time to update the blog, but then I’d be lying to you, and that’s no way to start the new year.

Basically I’ve been crazy ass busy for the last who knows how many months. Busy with very unblog-worthy things, like work and work and then a little work thrown in for good measure. Please. Don’t be jealous.

I do so hope you all had a great holiday, and a joyous new year. My holidays were good and generally uneventful. My mother did make a stocking for my dog and he seemed to be the most excited about Christmas, “It’s a sock of some sort, which, as you know, is my most favorite thing on the planet, then, if you notice, it is full of treats, which, as you know, are the only thing that can get me to drop a sock. This is the best day ever.”

I randomly went to Vegas for New Years and I had a great time.

I’ve been working way too much and wanted to go spend some of this money I’ve been making. I must say, Vegas is a great place to do that, as they have many a thing to take your money. My buddy lives there, so I crashed with him, caught a couple shows and ate some good food. That’s all I need in life: friends, theater and food. Oh, and nickel slots. I need those too.

Jesus, I love me some nickel slots. They are just so damn random I can hardly stand it. I won 4000 friggin nickels! I’m rich! I have no idea why I won 4000 nickels, which is the joy of the nickel slot. There were animated things, they were running around for like 5 minutes doing god knows what, then all of a sudden it said I won 3500 credits. I was like, hot damn, but then I printed out the receipt thing and it was like $150 or something. Much less hot of a damn. But still, not bad for a $5 investment. Then I got up and went to another nickel slot, to change up the animated things that were running around the screen, and I won another 500 credits. My friend was playing $50 a hand blackjack and he’d lose $50 in like 20 seconds. Do you know how long it would take to lose $50 in nickel slots? Roughly 13 years.

I feel like there are so many fun things to tell you about, since it’s been a whole month since we spoke.

-I got not one but two Christmas cards from bloggers. People I know nowhere other than the web. Isn’t that cool (and only a little bit scary)? Ha, I kid. But it really touched me when I saw cards from people I’ve never even spoken to. I would have been touched more if there was cash in them…but maybe that’s just the residual nickel slot excitement talking – I’m seeing dollar signs! Or cents signs, as it were.

-The other day I was at the grocery store and there was a guy set up at one of those things that says “Cuisine Cart”. You know, where they make samples of stuff and you circle around the store and visit it 8 times to get the most free food as you can? Everybody circles right? I mean free is free, I’m not made of nickels! Anywho, this dude was actually standing at this cart, the one with the word Cuisine written on it, and he was making….wait for it…Top Ramen. Awesome.
-I’m convinced that the elevators are rigged at my office. I’m convinced that when an elevator arrives the ding sound letting you know the elevator is there is patched into a speaker above a different elevator. EVERY time the damn elevator comes I look up to where I hear the ding coming from and it’s never the right elevator, then I’m left looking around at the other five elevators, spinning in place even, trying to find the right elevator. I feel like there is a security person watching all this on the little tv screens in the lobby.

-And speaking of security people. I work on the second floor of the building. There are like 5 million floors. I feel like a jackass getting on the elevator to go down one flight of stairs. I feel the judgment every time I get in the damn elevator. So when I first started working there I would take the stairs down to the street level. But then. The stupid security people wrote to someone in our office and said that one of our employees had been seen using the stairs and doing so is a security risk. WHAT THE? Is this because I’m brown? Whatever the reason now I’m brown and judged every time I get on the elevator.

Here are some pictures:

The dog has a new friend apparently, and he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. At what point does this costumed ceramic animal on the porch thing become something that I should be concerned about? What is the number exactly? 3? 4 and a gnome? Let me know when we should officially have mom carted away.

This is a result of trip to the Pet Store. I think it’s very telling. There’s the potty training stuff, the spray bark collar, the Dog Whisperer, and if all else fails, there are treats over on the left hand side. This dog has me beat. And I am trying so hard not to buy an electric dog collar. First I bought one that makes an annoying noise when the dog barks. But all the dog did was shake his head while barking when he was wearing that collar. Then I moved to the spray one, that is supposed to spray and annoying spray when he barks. But, uh, it didn’t spray. Ugh. It doesn’t help that he is barking mostly at my parents’ house and my dad says things like, “Go get ‘em Nola!” when he barks. My dad feels like Nola is protecting us with his bark. The dog weighs 12 pounds. He is protecting nothing but my avoidance of jail time.

My dog is a "stay-at-home dog". I respect that. Although I’m not going to lie, I wish he’d at least earn enough to cover his sock budget.

I’m at a bored meeting. Hence the time to write a blog.

I believe a great deal of paper and possibly entire forests could be saved if it wasn’t imperative to give me a paper receipt for every damn thing I buy. Why is it that we get receipts for everything? Some things make sense. Anything over, say, I dunno $5, I guess a receipt is okay. But do I need a receipt for a Cinnabon? Really? Do I need to remember that caloric intake a month later when I’m cleaning out my purse?

------
These are some of the thoughts I’ve had the past month. I’m sure I’ve had others. I’m sure they involve more cursing and way less coherence (which is difficult, I know).

I will try to be better in the new year about posting. The good news is there are bored meetings every quarter. So you know you’ll hear from me at least every three months, if nothing else.

Peace.

Peace and Love (and Oh, You're Going to Hell)

2007-12-09T21:11:00.001-08:00

I went to Target last night. A place where I usually find peace and love (and for that I am willing to leave my cash. It's a fair trade I think.)

Last night I found these idiots:

http://www.cbs13.com/video/?id=28009@kovr.dayport.com

They are standing outside of Target, singing their merry asses off. While wearing shirts that said Gay School with a big circle and line through it. I didn't know there were gay schools. Those sound like fun. I bet they'd have a kick-ass theater department. Not to mention lovely homecoming floats. But I digress. I guess these fools think that the gays are taking over or something. I dunno. I find it hard to listen to people like this, because my brain filters out stupid. A time-saving mechanism I highly recommend, moves a lot of things into the "Not worth a single second" category.

I just looked these people in the eye and laughed at them when I walked in and out. I don't think I will ever understand people who care so deeply about what other people are doing in their lives. It's freezing outside, and you really hate gays so much that you are willing to dress up and stand outside and sing carols on the off-chance of- Well, of what exactly? Are you thinking some gay guy is going to walk by and be like, "You know, you are so right. Thank god you are here. I'm am going to turn this gay train around and head back to Straightville." Really?

People need to get hobbies. I don't know, take up needlework or something. Or, maybe taxidermy. That seems more along the lines for these folks. Hell, I think teaching your kids to stuff dead animals might be healthier than teaching them, "Honey, we are going to go learn about what it means to hate people you don't even know tonight. It's going to be fun, you see, cause it's going to go both ways. We get to hate and then you get to feel what it's like to be hated too. God bless us everyone!"

Whatever.

My favorite was the two girls who walked out as I walked in. Holding hands and smiling brightly. "Don't look at them junior. Smiling is a sin you know."

Peace.

YouTube Dude

2007-12-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

Have you guys heard about how the band Journey found their new lead singer on YouTube? I heared about it on the radio today. Apparently Journey was down a lead singer and one of the Journey dudes was on YouTube and found this dude who is in a band in the Philippines. The dude was so good that they offered him the lead singer gig in the band. Now granted, it's Journey. And they haven't exactly been busting down the charts in like 20 years, but still, how cool is this story?

I heard the dude's singing on the radio and went to YouTube to hear the whole song, cause I love me some Faithfully. But then I noticed all the other videos that his band has. The dude can sing the hell out of a crapload of songs. He is crazy spot-on with his covers, check it out.

Journey:

The Doors

STP

Aerosmith

Bon Jovi

Nirvana

Fa La La La

2007-12-06T13:29:00.000-08:00

Once again it’s been awhile since I last posted. I’m almost certain that things have been happening that I could blog about, but I’m also certain I haven’t sat down and actually blogged. So many steps involved in the whole process, you know, what with the needing to having something to happen, and then needing to write about that something.

Last time I wrote I spoke of a board meeting I was going to. My first board meeting at this job. I’d been working forever and a day on the Powerpoint From Hell for this board meeting. The big boss wanted it to kick arse and make everyone love us. It was sorta a big deal at the meeting. So I worked forever on it and tested it and tested it and got up early the day it was to be show and tested it some more with the PA system in the meeting room. Everything was fine. Until. The actual board meeting. Wherein the previously crazy-tested Powerpoint From Hell decided that it didn’t know where the audio files were. The audio file were a narration of the entire Powerpoint, meaning that without them, you don’t really have a Powerpoint. Neat. So there I was standing in front of a conference room full of people, with a malfunctioning presentation on my hands. Good times.

But I survived.

And one of the best things I lived to see was the decorations in the building where I work. We all came in one day and the lobby had be Christmas-ed out with trees and miniature moving trains and presents and poinsettias out the ass. Lovely.

But most lovely of all is these lifesize dolls that I think are supposed to be Polar Express-y. There is a conductor guy standing in the middle of the lobby waiting to take you to the North Pole. Although his lack of train or movable body parts are probably going to slow down the trip. But whatever. There are these children holding little North Pole tickets in their hands throughout the lobby. All kinda cute, in a sorta freaky/those dolls look a little too real way.

But this little kid is my favorite:

It’s this lifesize kid doll sprawled over a big pile of presents. Is it me or does this kid look dead? He looks like he was shot and thrown onto the pile of presents.

You really have no idea how much joy it brings me every time I walk in the building and see the Holiday Homicide.

Fa La La La.

Where Did November Go?

2007-11-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

Hellllllooooooo out theeeeeeeeere....

Good lord, it has been forever and three days since I last wrote. Where the hell did November go? It's gone. We are inching closer and closer to the holidays, and therefore to the end of the year, and therefore to my birthday and therefore to my 30’s. It’s all too much.
Nola is in the holiday spirit though:

I bought him a Christmas thing too, but he LOVES the dradle (sp?). I have a little Jewish dog, it seems. Although I don’t think he’d be down with the yamikah, he doesn’t like things on his head. I know because I tried to put antlers on there. He wasn’t having it. Of course maybe that has more to do with his Jewishness than his dislike of things on his head? I must respect his religion.

So then. I’ve been gone for so long, I feel like I should have a lot to say. Sadly I really don’t. You see, here’s the thing. Remember when I used to support myself doing freelance work? I was doing so much that I was paying all of my bills and traveling the world to boot? Well, I’m still doing all that work. And I went ahead and added in a full-time job to that. So there you go. The math on that addition equation leaves very little in the way of actual blog-worthy-incidents-time. I do apologize.

I haven’t even remembered to post the dog pictures for the past couple of months. My bad.
Here they are:

This was October. It doesn’t have anything to do with Halloween, but it does have everything to do with the Red Hat Ladies and my mom was hosting Halloween Bunco at her house so we decided that her group of friends would appreciate the Red Hat Fido. Unfortunately Fido looked a little naked with just his red hat, so we found a scarf and threw it around him for Bunco night. He’s shy like that.

On a side note, have you guys ever played Bunco? It’s a dice game that is played around the country by groups of ladies who want and excuse to get together and eat and chat. You play by, “Rolling the dice, then you count the numbers and you want them or you don’t, but if you get three you get a bunco, and then someone rings the bell and you get up and you move to the other table, depending on if you won or lost. It’s REALLY easy!” Uh, okay. I crashed October’s game because they needed a sub and I’ve been hearing about these games for 25 years now, and I wanted to check them out.

The night began with everyone gathering around my mom’s new oven and oooo-ing and aaaah-ing. They must have talked for 20 minutes about this oven. A couple hours earlier, when my dad was over at my house (to seek refuge from the women by watching my big screen TV), it took me a good 20 minutes to figure out how to turn my oven ON when he needed to keep his Chinese Food warm. In my mom’s kitchen I stood in the back and ate dip while my mom’s friends went on and on about the oven. None of them even noted the microwave, so I had nothing to contribute to the conversation…

Anywho, here is November’s dog:

He’s a gambler! Good times.

And beside the dog?

The Thanksgiving Turkey.

Uh, Fido, I’m pretty sure when a turkey swaggers up beside you, it might be time to fold ‘em. I’m just saying.

So that’s all I got for now. Hopefully I’ll check in a little more often. I will do my best to put myself in situations that require a blog post. Tomorrow I head off to a bored meeting. I’m sure the excitement that ensues will result in all sorts of posts…ahhhh Corporate America.

The Radio Show

2007-11-12T22:54:00.000-08:00

You'll see, and hear the stuff I added to the right hand side of the blog. It is clips from our radio show. Good times. We have been doing it for a month or so now and we are having fun. If you want to stop the fun from coming out of your computer speakers, just push the pause button on the player to the right.

We are at a little public access station in town, talking into the darkness about whatever pops into our heads. We decided to call the show "TBA". Mostly because we didn't have a name, or a theme, or any idea whatsoever what we were going to be talking about every time. We walked in on our first night and the radio dude there said, "Well, you are in the computer as TBA right now." And so we stayed in the computer that way. Plus we think that's a pretty accurate name for us.

We are having a good time mostly because we get to ramble on and on and don't really have to worry about anyone actually listening. The other night Shane, our Radio Dude, came running into the studio with a piece of paper in his hand. He had written on it, in thick sharpie, "You have 19 listeners!!!" We were so excited. Then he came running in AGAIN and flashes 22 of his fingers at me to let me know that we now had 22 listeners. Again, so very exciting. Then. He came in at the break and said, "Well, they are doing some maintenance on the site, to make it better, you know? And well, you DID have 22 listeners, but we sorta kicked them all off with the maintenance."

Oh, how fleeting fame is.

Come back dear listeners!

We are working on a podcast that we hope to get up and running by the end of the week, we'll post shorter versions of the show. We'll cut out all the crappy stuff and just give you the gold. They are going to be VERY short versions of the show.

Random

2007-11-09T10:46:00.000-08:00

This entertains me way more than it probably should. God I love the Japanese. They know how to make a television program.

Sad Cubes

2007-11-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

I saw this online today and it made me laugh. Apparently my cubicle is luxurious compared to some of these poor workstations:

"Saddest Cubicle Contest"

The winner -- if you can call it winning -- of the Wired News saddest-cubicles contest is David Gunnells, an IT guy at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. His desk is penned in by heavily used filing cabinets in a windowless conference room, near a poorly ventilated bathroom and a microwave. The overhead light doesn't work -- his mother-in-law was so saddened by his cube that she gave him a lamp -- and the other side of the wall is a parking garage. Gunnells recalls a day when one co-worker reheated catfish in the microwave, while another used the bathroom and covered the smell with a stinky air freshener. Lovely.

Other favs of mine:

This dude doesn't even have the three half walls that usually surround the cubicle dwellers. I thought the three walls were bad, but it turns out not having them (or a desk for that matter (notice the desk drawer that is being used to hold up his work)) is pretty bad too. This can't be an ergonomically correct workstation.

This is actually my favorite. Look, they put the guy in a cargo container. Ha! I guess the half walls aren't that bad. The only good thing about this workstation is that there is the possibility that you might accidently be shipped somewhere cool on a boat. Who knows where you might end up. Hopefully not too far away, as I imagine you only have so much air in those things before you sufficate. And yet, it would still probably be a better way to travel than most airlines...

Retirement

2007-11-04T20:34:00.001-08:00

I got a retirement notice in the mail awhile back. I hadn’t been at my job very long when the quarter ended, so my retirement account is a little lacking:

Almost $400 bucks! Sweet. I’m planning my lap of luxury right now. You know, the first day I was in at my job I had to fill out retirement stuff and I was flipping through the retirement book and it had like 5 different lifestyles and how much money you need to have saved up in order to retire and still live the lifestyle that you are used to. My lifestyle was the highest. They asked me if I use coupons, if I like to travel, if I like to eat out, if I like to read instead of doing expensive entertainment options. Hmph. I’m never going to retire. I will have to work till the day I die in order to continue living my damn lifestyle. Whatever.

Here is more depressing news from my retirement account:

They don’t think I’m going to retire till I’m 67? Screw that. And holy crap 2045 sounds like a long time away.

But don’t worry, if I don’t touch my $400 bucks till then I’m all set:

By 2045 that $400 bucks will be $2000 bucks! Hot damn! And look – when I retire in 2045 I can expect to make $12 a month from that $2000. Man, my future looks bright.

I might want to start clipping coupons.

I think that’s the moral of the story.

Fun with Toys

2007-10-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

So I had to get my hearing aide adjusted the other day. And I'm sitting in the waiting room. And I pick up a magazine. And I start reading it. And I'm like, "Why is this font so out of control?" Then I flip to the front cover and I see that I am reading a Reader's Digest (a 2001 issue) that is LARGE PRINT. Ya know, cause I'm in a HEARING AIDE place. And usually those with hearing aides are of the age that also requires large print. Whatever.

I caught up on 2001 and thought I'd steer clear of the 1999 People magazine. Instead I picked up the 2007 Holiday catalog from Sears:

I flipped through and I got to the toy section. And then I prayed for our poor country in 40 years when it's being run by the idiots playing with these ridiculous toys today. Here are some of my favorites:

First Kenmore Toys! Hot damn. If this doesn't scream fun-filled childhood, I just don't know what does! My first Kenmore sink and wash machine? Really? Why not just point the kids to the REAL Kenmore wash machine and at least get some chores out of the way while they are having good old times with appliances?

Hmmm. Perhaps we shouldn't point Jr. towards the real version of this toy. My First Craftsman Chainsaw? Sweet Mary. Is this to go along with My First Dismembering of an Accidental Homicide?

Wow. A touch screen ATM machine. Somewhere there is a pile of piggy banks weeping in obsolete depression.

This is really one of my favorites. It's a Smart Cycle. "A workout for both brain and body!" But then that line is followed by "Plug into you TV..." Anything that involves "Plug into your TV..." is not going to be a workout for your mind and most definitely not your body. Please. Remember when kids went OUTSIDE to ride bikes? Wasn't that a fun time? Here is what is printed on the description:

Holds up to 200 lbs. Ages 3 to 6. Um. Yeah. So if your 3-6 year old is 200 pounds I'm thinking that you are going to need a little more help than just the Smart Cycle. Sweet Mary, GO OUTSIDE AND RUN AROUND ONCE IN AWHILE!! Kids these days...

Good God. McDonald's Drive Thru Food Cart. Really? Has it come to this? First of all, can I just comment on how uncreative we are making the next generation of children? I mean, kids are able to take a box and a piece of ribbon and make an entire universe in their little brains. These friggin toys that have everything already made up for them are for the uncreative parents, not for the kids. Give your kids some crayons and some construction paper and they will be able to make up everything they could ever need to play happy. Four chairs and an old sheet and the kid will be in a midevil castle for 10 hours. And if they are going to play Drive Thru Window, at least make them build the drive thru or something, because when you just hand them the drive thru window and tell them to play, all you are really doing is putting career options in their heads. And that can't be your intention.

Nevermind. Let them play drive thru, hell fill out the drive thru application for them, just please keep them away from this god awful toy. Do you think the little boy is down low hoping the young starlet isn't wearing panties?

Dream big kids, dream big.

Cartoon

2007-10-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

Hello Out There

2007-10-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

Dude. It has been sooooooo long since I last wrote. I got an e-mail and a call from friends today commenting on my lack of blogs. One insisted I call back for fear I may be dead. I am not dead. Tired, yes. A lot of other things, yes. But dead? No.

I am so sorry that I’ve been out of the blogworld for quite some time now. There is no real excuse. I will tell you that I’ve been thinking of you all, and every time something blogworthy happens I think that I will in fact blog it. And then I’m laying around and can’t quite get the energy up to get on the computer and type the inspirational and entertaining words you all long for. I do so apologize.

Oh! I do have sorta an excuse. I just remembered. My computer took a poop last week. It caught a virus AND the hard drive was ready to blow up. Lovely. Slowly all my programs stopped being able to be opened. Dear lord. I called a tech guy from the internet and he was so nice as to come pick up my dying computer from me at work. The only real problem was, that he was a small Asian man. I do not care that he was small or Asian, really. But he didn’t speak the English so well and as you know, I’m hearing impaired, so I don’t hear the English so well. Not a good combo when standing on the side of the road trying to get your computer to a man to fix it.

Oh! And I was also only able to hear out of one ear because my hearing aide went out previously in the week. Overall, fun week for Extremely Important Electronic Equipment in my life. When I told my aunt of my mass blow up of all things electronic and important she said, “Mercury is in retrograde.” Who the hell knows what that means. She has said that before when things blow up and I wish perhaps she would think to say it BEFORE Mercury retrogrades, so that I might prepare and perhaps put all electronics and my head in some sort of protective area.

So anyways, the tiny Asian man came and all I really understood was, “Hard drive no good. Need new one.” Ugh. By the by, new hard drive no fun. Cause new hard drive means need new programs to put on hard drive and well, I might have borrowed some of the programs that are on my computer. Maybe. I’m not saying for sure. So then. I spent a couple days making new hard drive usuable and trying to get back to being able to use my computer without fear of it exploding. Good times.

More good times were when another Tiny Asian Man came to my work and I brought my computer downstairs and he worked on my computer while I waited on the side of the road. I am quite lucky that the both of us didn’t end up in some sort of detention facility, never to be heard from again. The Tiny Asian Man had a tiny car that was a convertible. The license plate on the convertible said, “When it gets hot, the top comes off.”

Awesome.

So.

I am very sorry I’ve been out of touch. I will try to do better. I promise. I must finish eating my sushi now and then go back to work. How I would get through the work without the promise of sushi, I just don’t know.

The Friendly Skies

2007-10-10T20:16:00.000-07:00

I was listening to the radio this morning and that dude Richard Branson (is that his name?) was on. The dude that founded Virgin years ago and now is a katrillionaire who has a katrillion dollars but still enjoys random ass adventures like a tea party on top of a hot air balloon. He seems sort of fun actually. Although his teeth scare me a bit. But he does have a British accent and that makes up for quite a lot. I enjoy a British accent.

But I digress.

Branson is also a big aviation dude, apparently, and so he was talking about the future of aviation. He said that within the next ten years his company is going to develop technology in which you can fly from LA to Australia in 30 minutes. Awesome. The way they are going to do this is by putting you in a pod or something and blasting your ass into space, then dropping you back down in Australia. Even more awesome.

Now, I’m thinking that this technology, or at least the development of it, is probably going to result in a lot of dead things, whether they be monkey, rats, or people. And I’m thinking that even after the technology is approved and normal people (who have an extra 20 or so grand probably) can go it is still going to run a very high risk of explosion. But see, if you’ve tried flying anywhere in the past year or so you will agree that risking explosion doesn’t sound so bad. If they could make up for that risk with a promise that my luggage wouldn’t be lost and my flight wouldn’t be canceled and I wouldn’t be told, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do, the flight is cancelled” I’d be willing to take the risk.

Oh! And I’d still like to have my own personal TV with DirectTV in my space pod thing. If I’m going to explode I want it to be while having the option of watching 720 TV stations.

Yay technology.

Random

2007-10-09T21:51:00.000-07:00

Random #1:
There is a gate at the front area of the park where I take my dog to frolic with other dogs. This gate cracks me up:

Notice the many, many locks. Notice the sign warning you to stay out. Then notice that the gate doesn’t extend much further than those locks and that sign. A mere two steps away you can go around the gate and to the other side of it. Methinks this property used to be private and now it is a park, but dontcha think they would have taken the extra two seconds to tear down that last piece of gate? Weird.

Random #2:

This isn’t exactly random, because not only have I seen this sign a million times, but I’m actually related to the person who owns the business. Blake is one of the many names in my family. (It’s always fun to sit around the table with 10 people who all have different last names as you, but who are all either an aunt, uncle or first cousin. My family tree is interesting.)

I just think this picture is funny because it says, "Since 1973" then it says "31 years of dependable service." Yes, I think it’s time for Blake to update his sign, but I get a kick out of the fact that it reads like 3 of those years since 1973 Blake’s wasn’t so dependable. Ha. My family and their signs.

Random #3:

I can’t remember if I posted this before.

But I do remember that it cracks me up every time I’m in the McDonald’s drive thru (unfortunately my family doesn’t own this business, no McDonald’s on the family tree. But give us time, we branch off pretty frequently.) I just think it’s hilarious that they are asking you not to use a cell phone. A cell phone from the early 90's that is. All other phones are fine, apparently.

Radio Superstars

2007-10-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

I’m easily entertained. I think that much has been proven in the past. I tend to have friends who are easily entertained as well. It just works out better that way. We tend to have a lot of fun together, as fun comes pretty easy when you are easily entertained.

A couple weeks ago I said to my friend Rafael (of ChrisKwanziKah and Vlogging fame on this very blog), “We should do a radio show. We could totally do an entertaining radio talk show.” He got excited about it and a couple days later we had a slot on the local public access station. Ha. Good times. So every Friday night from 6 till 8pm we’ll ramble on and on about whatever we find entertaining. Perhaps others will find it entertaining as well. That is, if they ever actually listen to it. Not a whole lot of people listening in to public access. The Public Access Dude came in during our show and said, “You have one solid listener, they’ve been on the whole show!” To which I answered, “Yeah, I told my mom to go turn the computer on, play some spider solitaire and listen to our show.” You gotta love mom, she’ll always be my one fan.

The greatest part about the public access radio station is that you can’t actually listen to it on the radio. You can listen to it through your computer: http://www.live365.com/stations/accesssacramento?site=pro and apparently if you live in Sacramento you can tune to channel 17 and then push the SAP button on your remote and get it. I love that. The SAP button is usually pushed to access the Spanish feed of whatever show you’re listening to. Or you can push it to access English speaking idiots on Channel 17. Love it.

So we’re having a good time with it and if anyone wants to tune in or call in they can between the hours of 6pm and 8pm PST on Fridays. If you want to be a guest, e-mail me, I guarantee we'll put you on. Just don't make fun of Soduko or Matlock and you'll be a hit with our listener. Or just call in and give us someone to talk to: 916.456.5199. My mother, although a loyal listener, refuses to call in. She’s no fun. She did send several e-mails though, telling us to stop making fun of her for not calling in. She also pointed out that it might not be a good idea to berate the one listener you have. Good point mom.

Lunch

2007-10-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

I’m at lunch. It’s 3 o’clock. I think most people enjoy lunch around say, I dunno, lunchtime. But me? Not so much. First of all, my talk radio show goes until 2, with three hours of dead air in my brain after that. So why would I want to take a break before the dead air? Second of all, the later I wait for lunch the less time I have to wait after lunch before I get to flee the building. A couple times last week I had to take lunch at noonish and I about died in the post-lunch hours, because they were double what they usually are. I was ready to pack up and go home and it was only 3 o’clock. That is no good.

Forth, there is a sushi place downstairs in the building where I work. I imagine it is full during lunch time with people eating lunch. Whereas at 3, I’m the only person in here. On my computer, doing some work, eating some raw fish, minding my own business. With 5 sushi worker people hovering around me, giving me all of their attention. The attention is not so good, but the sushi is (2.3 seconds after I sit down at least two of them are standing, smiling, holding their order pad things, staring at me. “You order?” “Uh, I look at menu for another 4 seconds or so, then I order.” “Perma-smile with nod.” 4.5 seconds later, “You order?”)

And so I order. You know on those shows where they try to get you to get a handle on your spending by keeping track of every single thing you buy, so that at the end of the month you can look and go, “Good god, that’s a lot of danishes!” And then you start buying your danishes from Costco instead of Starbucks and in two months you’re out of debt? Yeah, I don’t do that. Because concentrating that hard on money is a sure-fire way for me to never see any come my way ever again. But if I did do that I think I would be looking into buying sushi from Costco. Even before I started working 200 feet above a sushi restaurant I spent a ridiculous amount of money on raw fish. It ain’t right. When I moved into my condo I was a bit worried that there was a sushi place right next door to it. This was not going to be good new for my attempts to pay my mortgage. I was quite thankful when I found that their tempura shrimp tasted like bunghole. So therefore I don’t spend my electricity bill on seafood. At least not that seafood.

But you know what else is in that damn parking lot? A Togos. That’s a sandwich shop out here. Are they national? I dunno. What I do know if that they are the devil because they joined forces with 31 Flavors, the ice cream shop out here. So when you walk in and you are going to be good and you are going to get a sandwich, bam! right in front of you is a friggin ice cream parlor. Jesus.

I have 6 pints of ice cream in my freezer right now. And 12 Mountain Dews. And that’s pretty much it. I have problems.

And I have to get back to work...

Slacker

2007-09-30T22:02:00.000-07:00

I have been quite a slacker on the blog of late. No bueno. The problem is I go to work. And then sometimes I continue with more work after work. And the times when I don’t continue with more work after work I really don’t feel like even looking at my computer, let alone turning it on in an effort to say something blog-worthy.

Working 9-5 everyday, doing the same thing everyday, it just doesn’t really lend itself to the randomness that used to inspire some great blogs. There are only so many stories you can tell about post-it notes and company meetings.

Can you friggin’ believe it is October already? This is not good. Where the hell did this year go? I lost a few months at the beginning of the year while I was traveling around in a motor home pimping the book. Ever since then I’ve been a bit surprised at how quickly the year is passing. Surprised and not so happy.

I’m going to be 30 in January. I’m not looking forward to it. And yet there it is, waiting for me at the turn of the new year. I think for me turning 30 is going to be harder than any of the other major birthdays. 30 is the end of your twenties and therefore the end of it being cute to not really have any idea what you want to be when you grow up. 30 year olds have life plans and 401k’s and mortgages. That doesn’t sound like very much fun. And yet here I am.

I hope to be out of the country on my 30th birthday, I think that would be the only good way to ring in a new decade. Last year when we were in Guatemala one of the guys with us turned 30. I remember thinking a cheesy party or gift could never be as cool as being out in the world exploring with the clock struck 3-0. It’s a good precedent to set, I think.

Who the hell knows what I’m rambling on about. Basically it’s October, I’m getting old and post-it notes are uninspiring.

I know. Turns out I don’t have to wait until age 30 to be boring...

Blog Forecast: Not so good

2007-09-24T23:07:00.001-07:00

Uh, remember how I haven’t been blogging much? Cause I had so little time? I have terrible news. It’s Premiere Week on my TV. This does not bode well for the blogging. What little free time I have must be devoted to my television now, for the free days of summer are gone. I don’t know why I don’t make more of a note of it, but jesus do I have a lot more time during the summer. Tonight alone I taped like 4 hours of TV. That’s a part-time job. Throw in the occasional Oprah and I may have to reevaluate this whole employment thing. I mean, my DVR can only hold so much.

Tonight Dancing with the Stars premiered. Good god do I love that show. It’s just ridiculously cheesy and over the top, but I can’t get enough of it. Kelly Taylor for 90210 is on it!!!! I actually thought about voting for her, that’s how much I loved her when I was a teenager. She was a slut with a heart of gold! Tonight they had the women compete, tomorrow the guys will compete. You really have to love guys, cause they were doing a promo for tomorrow’s episode and they had a package edited together of all the guys basically talking a big game. They were all saying how badass they are and how they are there to compete and to bring home the top prize and pretty much just being boys. But you have just got to love that the big prize is a trophy shaped like a disco ball. I mean really. Does it get any better than that? I think no.

And can I also point out that the chick that danced the best on the show tonight was probably the heaviest set girl on the show? And she still looked awesome. I kept thinking of little Britney Spears and her bikini-ed ass making a mess of herself on MTV a few weeks back. Everyone said she was fat and looked horrible. Britney Spears is not fat, she’s probably tipping the scales at like 138. What she is is a complete friggin’ moron who thinks that going on national television in a bikini is a fantastic idea. The girl on the show tonight easily has 20 or 30 pounds on Britney but she actually had the sense to work with a costume designer and put on something that covered and tucked in the right places. Then she went out and danced her ass off, another thing Britney wasn’t quite in the mood for. Dancing’s hard y’all.

And speaking of overweight, an overweight young woman wrote to me the other day to tell me that she had decided to train for a marathon and that her doctor recommended my book. She then said she’d read my book three times and was “inspired” by me. There are a couple things that don’t seem right here. First off: Why are doctors recommending running books that reference Cheetos on a pretty regular basis? Second off: It’s a bit alarming how many people have written to me to say that they are inspired by my book. How bizarre is it that my lazy ass is inspiring American’s to run around in circles? Oh the mind. How it boggles.

If you ask me I think I should get burnt calorie credit for all the work my readers are doing, I mean, I inspired them for god’s sake.

Pass me the remote, Curb Your Enthusiasm’s on, the laughing will work my stomach muscles...

Things

2007-09-23T21:50:00.001-07:00

Hello out there. It has once again been a little too long between blogs. My bad. I just don’t have much to blog about these days. I spend my days in corporate America, and while many things entertain me there I don’t think it the best idea to blog about them here. I will tell you that the other day we actually had a meeting about a meeting that we are going to have that will be about a big meeting we are planning. Ahhhh.

There is also another AWESOME story that I can’t tell you about, because it took place at someone’s wedding and I just don’t have the heart to be the possible destroyer of unions. But believe me when I say that it was the best wedding ever. If only because I was so amused by the things going on. That AND I got cake.

One thing that I did find entertaining that I can actually tell you about:

I was walking through the frozen food aisle the other day and a box caught my eye. It had a smiling man on it and for a brief moment I thought maybe it was Wofgang Puck. But no, this guy was a (tiny bit) darker than Wolfgang. Then I did a triple take and saw that the guy was actually Smokey Friggin’ Robinson. On a frozen meal. Unfortunately there were other people in the frozen food aisle and I just couldn’t muster the courage to randomly start snapping photos (who knows why I was all of a sudden shy about randomly snapping photos). But I did come home and find Robinson’s website. "The Soul is in the Bowl."

Awesome. And no mention at all of how ironic it is for a man named Smokey to be in the frozen food section.

Nothing else is really going on. I’ve started playing on an indoor soccer team and I’ve also started realizing that soccer is not a sport that you just decide to play after a year or so. I’m pretty sure I may die on the indoor soccer field, as I’m pretty sure breathing is an important part of remaining alive. But you know, we all have to go sometime. At least I’ll go with some kick ass bruises all over my legs. That’s my favorite part of playing soccer, the funky bruises I get that get even funkier as the week goes on. I couldn’t wear a dress to the awesome wedding I went to, because my legs looked like I had been severely beaten. But even if I had been severely beaten I still wouldn’t have had the best story at the wedding...

God, it would have made a great blog...

On Demand

2007-09-18T20:10:00.000-07:00

I’ve already thanked the lord for the internet and now I must turn my attention to the television, for there he has blessed us as well. We won’t even touch on the obvious blessings like 4000 channels and HBO and the Foster Farms Chickens, because we don’t have enough time to thank him for all the wonders that within the world of TV.

Instead, let us concentrate on the On Demand feature that some cable carriers have. And again, let’s ignore the beauty that is being able to watch a million cable shows and fantastic movies from our youth whenever the hell we feel like it. Oh no, we don’t have time for the glory that lies there either.

Today we will focus on something a little hidden, something that isn’t seen by a lot of people, yet something that is just as worthy of our praise.

It is called Dating on Demand. And it is awesome.

I was over at my parents house this weekend and I saw an ad for an On Demand Real Estate station that featured local real estate in the area (have you heard? there are a few houses on the market here in California. teensy tiny foreclosure problem going on.) I told my mom I wanted to check it out. (I don’t have these On Demand features at my house because I have satellite (thank the lord in heaven, or I’d never leave my house, ever.))

To which mom answered, “You know they have lots of local stuff, they even have personal ads.”
To which I answered, “Show me. Now.”

This is just amazing. People are posting on cable for dates. And apparently people are looking on cable for dates. It’s all so convenient. And scary.

Here’s Nate. He’s in Sales. Mom thinks perhaps it might be marijauna sales.

This is Bill. He’s Charming. He has a “soft spot for children”. That doesn’t actually sound as charming as it sounds creepy, Bill. Just FYI.

Here’s Doug(yFresh). He’s looking for “love and money”. Aren’t we all Mr. Fresh. My dad came in and told Doug, “You ain’t getting love without having money Doug.” A wise man, he.

Here’s Cecil. He wants someone “skinny and pretty”. Mom doesn’t think I should put this video up. Because maybe Cecil is shy. Often shy people put their videos on cable stations.

My Dog

2007-09-13T23:20:00.000-07:00

My dog has issues. Let us discuss them now.

#1 - He REALLY like the taste of poo. This REALLY upsets me. Not only does he like the taste, he likes the smell and is able to hone in on that smell from a good 50 yards away. He’s like one of those drug-sniffing dogs. Except I can only imagine what kind of criminals he’d catch.

#2 - He REALLY likes laying in water. It doesn’t really matter where the water is. He learned of his love of water while laying in a baby pool at a dog park. But now EVERY time I take him to my dog park he doesn’t let a little thing like lack of baby pool get in his way of laying in water. So EVERY time he lays in the mud puddles. A lady asked me the other day, “Are they water dogs?” as she looked at my dog, lounging in up to his ears in a puddle of mud and water. “No, he’s a crazy dog. His breed has nothing to do with it.” The other day, while at yet another dog park my lovely dog made his way over to one of those water fountains that has the human water fountain at the top and the doggie water fountain at the bottom. After the doggie’s drank out of the fountain my genius decided to sit in the fountain. Because, you know, there’s water in there, and water is for sitting in.

The only good part of #2 (maybe the poo one should have been here instead...) is that I have figured out a fantastic way to bathe the dog post-mud dip. Initially I was trying to bath him in the sink like I normally do for his baths. But this was not a good time. Because most of the mud is on his underside and trying to spray that underside usually resulted in my spraying mud up into the air and all over my damn kitchen. And I have to keep the kitchen clean, because sometimes I put take-out boxes on the counter.

So then. Instead of taking him inside for the bath I have decided to keep him outside for a squirt down from the hose. I hold on to his little leash and spray him off. He thinks he is getting shot and I think I’m taking out a lot of poo and mud anger on him with a high-powered sprayer. This makes me much happier than the mud in the kitchen.

#3 - He’s got issues. He’s gotten a lot better about going up to people and not being super afraid of every human being that isn’t me. (Which always cracks me up, because in his little life span, I’m the only human being who has spanked him, yelled at him and sprayed him with a high-powered hose. Yet I’m the only one he trusts. Like I said, issues.) He is mostly okay with people outside, but once they come into our house, he’s not a huge fan. He backs away from them, he barks, he hides. Maybe he thinks that they are going to spank and yell and spray too, who knows.

So I hired a dog-walker, because he didn’t seem to like Doggie Daycare that much (How do I know this? Because I too have issues and watched him on the internet doggie cam.) so I figured I’d just leave him home and have someone come over to walk him once a day. I know, I’m a yuppie. Whatever.

So the dog-walker came over the other day and when I got home there was a note that read: “Please call me.” There were also many a toy thrown throughout the living room. Uh oh. I’d seen this scene before, when I asked the roommate to take the dog out one time when I wasn’t home. I came home to all of Nola’s toys at the bottom of the stairs, an obvious attempt by the roommate to lure the dog towards the front door. From the cussing I heard coming from upstairs I figured that these attempts had not been successful.

I called the dog-walker, she was distraught. “I don’t know what was wrong, I tried for 45 minutes to get him to come to me and all he would do is bark and back away. I’ve never experienced anything like that.” “Well, my dog is unique to say the least.” “Don’t worry, I won’t charge you for today, since I never was able to take him for a walk.” “Uh, yeah, it’s not your fault my dog is insane, go ahead and charge me. At least he got a workout trying to get away from you.”

Tomorrow the dog-walker returns to try again. I’ve put leftover chicken in the fridge to aide her efforts. Of course I should probably just recommend bringing some poo, that ought to get him to come to her right away.

God Bless the Internet

2007-09-12T21:17:00.001-07:00

Whoever invented the internets should be sainted. I think that goes without saying. I mean, there’s the e-mail, the Google, the porn, the list goes on and on. But I must say that without the internets I don’t know that I’d be able to work a 9-5 job. (Don’t worry, I’m not looking at porn at work (but do you know that a guy got fired for looking at porn at the last place I worked? Isn’t that funny? And even more funny is the fact that it was his SECOND time being caught looking at porn at work. He’d just gotten a warning the time before. Seriously. What kind of idiot #1 Looks at porn at work and #2 Keeps looking at porn at work when it has been made clear that looking at porn at work is probably not in the best interest of his efforts to remain employed? People have issues.) But I digress.).

I have discovered the most wonderful thing of all: Online radio. Where the hell have I been that I never discovered this before? I do not know. But I am here now and I am here to tell you that one should not reside in a cubicle for hours on end without the aide of internet radio.

God bless internet radio. And god bless Adam Carolla. I’m sure that some of you either don’t know who Adam Carolla is, or think he’s an idiot (The Man Show), but I do not care. He is my savior. The guy has cracked me up since LoveLines and ever since Howard Stern left radio Carolla has been doing a morning radio show. Given the fact that I haven’t seen a lot of mornings since Howard Stern went off the air, I hadn’t listened to Carolla’s show. But now, because I am a functioning member of society I get to listen to all the morning radio I want. Morning radio and Mountain Dew are the only thing that get me to noon without passing out. And Adam Carolla. He helps a lot. The guy is just a “dude”. He likes cars and building things and has a general bad attitude about everything on the planet. He cracks me up. And when spending time in a cubicle, his rants sure do help the time go by.

Then after him there are these three called Frosty, Heidi and Frank. Frosty, Heidi and Frank used to be Jaime, Frosty and Frank and I used to listen to them during my ridiculous commute when I lived in LA. Until one day I turned on the radio and it was just Jaime. And Danny Bonaduce. Jaime, Frosty and Frank had worked together for like 10 years, starting in Denver or something and then moving out to LA together. Then, after all that time Jaime totally stabbed her boys in the back and saved herself. Bitch. I never listened to the show again. Who knows what she is doing now, because Bonaduce is now on Adam Carolla’s show. Followed by Frosty and Frank. Jaime? Off the air. Karma. It’s a bitch too.

So then. As you can see, the internets provide me with both entertainment and life lessons throughout the day. Can’t ask for much more than that.

I’m Confused

2007-09-10T21:24:00.001-07:00

People are confusing me.

Britney:
Is there no one in Hollywood, no image manager, who is willing to take this girl on? Seriously? No one? I mean, I know she’s a train wreck, but she’s a train wreck that still has a(n ever decreasing) chance of eventually getting back on her game. (Did she ever have a game? Or was it simply shaking her well-toned ass? I dunno. But at least she could get the ass well-toned again. That might be a good start.) There are people, a LOT of people in Hollywood whose job it is to make the stars in Hollywood look good. Can Britney not get one of those damn people on her payroll? I mean really. Not one wardrobe person? Not one publicist? Not one manager who can make coherent business decisions that don’t involve putting your client in a bikini on national television to lip synch to a song she doesn’t even know?

This all confuses me.

Britney. Honey. Pack it in. Call it a day. Take your cash and your babies and go live in Europe somewhere.

Because....

In Europe:
It is apparently okay to leave your babies unattended while you go out to eat at a nearby restaurant.

Have you been following the story of this little girl that got kidnaped, but then maybe just got killed by her parents? I wasn’t really following it, I didn’t really see why the whole world was so concerned about this one little girl. Not to be cold, but kids disappear everyday, why was this one English girl on the cover of People? Weird.

But then this weekend I read that the mom was a suspect in the girl’s death and so I read a little about the story. From what I can gather it seems as though the mom and the dad were vacationing in Portugal (Spain? Somewhere European.) And they put their twin two year olds and their other daughter to bed and then went to a nearby restaurant to eat. It’s okay, because they “constantly checked on the children”. And then one of the kids disappeared. Huh?

I looked through a bunch of articles and not one mentioned a nanny or a caretaker, or even a pitbull or something. And not one of these articles even seemed to blink at the fact that the parents left their three babies alone while they dined on gourmet food.

Now granted, I know it’s probably tempting to leave your kids alone when they are sleeping and you are hungry. But, uh, you’re not really supposed to do that, are you? Because if you are parenting just became a whole lot easier and I’m looking forward to it.

And finally, The Gay Senator.
I could give a crap about The Gay Senator. The guy is all over the map with the pleading guilty, deciding not to plead guilty and the resigning and then, oh, maybe not, but maybe yeah, but the only thing that is for sure is HE’S NOT GAY. Whatever.

What confuses me about this story is the fact that there are apparently policemen spending their days trying to catch gay guys in bathrooms in the airport. Really? As far as issues go in this country, as far as things that I would like to be protected from, I don’t know that blowjobs in the bathroom is really up on the list. I mean, have you traveled by plane lately? We all need something to relieve that tension. Better it be happening in the bathrooms than people be getting on their (18 hour delayed) flight all tense and pissed off.

And maybe the cops could focus on, I don’t know, I’m just thinking out loud here, murderers, pedophiles, people selling drugs to kids, and other bad things. Not that sex in bathrooms isn’t bad and totally worthy of an entire task force, but, um, seriously? A whole task force? I bet those cops go home feeling fulfilled, probably just the reason they got into law enforcement. “What did you go at work today?” “I tapped my foot and busted a Senator.” “One less Gay Senator roaming the streets, well done.”

Whatever.

Wrong

2007-09-06T20:57:00.000-07:00

I got this postcard in the mail today.

Uh. Does this seem really, really wrong to anyone else?

"Well, yeah, cancer sucks and all that, but it's not really a big enough reason to go get myself checked. Whatever, I'll do it sometime, when I- Oh! The possibility of $100 towards Cosmetic Services?!!! Sign me up!!!"

The New Girl

2007-09-06T00:07:00.001-07:00

Some of my best friends are people I met at work. I guess it’s natural, because you spend so much time at work. You are going to either end up loving or hating the people surrounding you (On the same note, some of my least favorite people are ones I met at work). One of the things I missed when I worked freelance from my house was the interaction with my co-workers.

But sometimes it takes awhile to go from being The New Girl, to being A Friend.

Today I walked into the bathroom at about noonish. When I walked in I saw my reflection and I saw that on that reflection was a large white spot. On the reflection’s boob.

Apparently I’d leaned into my bagel sometime on my way into the office and had spread cream cheese all over the underside of my boob, and its black top, in the process.

This cream cheese wasn’t visible to me because it was, well, under where I can see. But it was visible to every person I passed and talked to for half the day.

But no one said anything.

The best friends I mentioned earlier? They would have pointed, laughed, made fun of me and told everyone else within earshot to come look. But they wouldn’t have let me walk around looking like a lopsided lactater for half the day.

I miss being Friends.

Pictures

2007-09-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

Look at me! Two days in a row with the blogging. Hot damn. I might have made the error of drinking a Pepsi an hour ago and I might now be wide awake, even though it is 10:30 and I just finished work and I should go to bed so I can get up and do another 15 or so hours of pretty-making tomorrow. But no. I had a Pepsi. So you get a blog. It's very exciting.

Some pictures for you:

I took this when I was in LA a couple months ago, and I guess I forgot to post it. It just struck me as funny. "Under New Management. Now Serving Falafel." Those other managers were falafel haters, apparently. And that is why their business failed. These new managers are bringing the falafel and they are ready to make some money.

I saw these in a bookstore this weekend. They are laminated pocket guides of sorts. You buy them, I guess, and then you have a nice little pocket guide for whatever topic you might need a pocket guide for. Such as? Western Civilization (this is a lengthy topic, so it needs TWO pocket guides). Or maybe you were looking for some help with your public speaking? I can think of no better way to learn about public speaking than a laminated pocket guide. I'm sure Martin Luther King carried one of these around right before his Dream speech.

The most alarming has to be Personal Finance. Please. People. Do not make personal finance decisions based on a laminated piece of paper at the local independent bookstore. I mean geez, at least go to a chain store for that kind of information.

My new lovely car has a lovely feature that tells you how many miles you have left until the lovely car runs out of gas. When you push the button and you get nothing but stars? That is not a good thing. That means there are no more numbers, no lower the lovely meter can go. Ru roh.

This is not the first time I've seen the stars. See, another lovely feature of this car is that not only does it burn gas like a fool, but it also has a problem with the gas tank thing. Depending on the gas pump sometimes my gas tank just won't let me put gas in. It does that ANNOYING thing where it clicks the gas pump off, as if it were full. But, uh, not full. Not even $3 in the gas tank yet. Good god.

So here I am trying to hold the gas pump just so, to convince the gas to come out. Of course holding it just so makes the gas come out as if it were mud coming through the nozzle. So I end up having to hold it for minutes and minutes at a time. But guess what? I don't have a functioning hand that is able to hold it for that long without needing some sort of pain medication and/or arm transplant. So I usually end up only putting like 10 bucks in. Which in SUV speak is like 4 feet worth of gas.

So then. I've been seeing a lot of the stars.

Speaking of mud. This is the underside of my puppy. Can you see it? It's not the best shot. But it's a lot of mud. All over his belly. Oh, aren't puppies just a joy?

When he goes with my parents to the dog park by their house there is a little kiddie pool there that he has become quite fond of. Can't get enough of that cool water, promptly plops himself in it right when he arrives at the park. But at the dog park by my house there is no pool. Never one to let a little thing like that slow him down my brilliant K9 found the nearest thing that resembled water and plopped himself down in it. Unfortunately it was a mud puddle.

The funniest part (besides me trying to hold him off of my new leather seats while I drove home) was right before he sat down everyone in the park went, "Uh, ooooh," plop "Ohhhhhhhhhh no." They all got a chuckle out of it. Mostly because they weren't the ones holding a mud-drenched puppy out from their body.

And this is just a little picture of Nola saying hi. Post-mud bath.

Another Week Gone By

2007-09-03T21:44:00.001-07:00

Yet another week has gone by since I last corresponded. I’m not doing so well on the blogging of late. There are two reason for this. 1) I’m absolutely exhausted and have no energy to come up with blogs before I go to bed and 2) I don’t really have anything blog-worthy to tell you about.

Remember those 10 weeks I went off to travel the US and pimp my book? Well, those weeks weren’t cheap, and lets just say that now is the time when I’m paying the price. So here I am. And there you are. Both of us without any writing on this blog. It is so very sad, all if it.

Even sadder? I am typing this right now because it’s 9:30 and I think I may go to bed soon. What the? Last week I went to bed at 9:30 two nights in a row, because I was so exhausted. To give you a bit of a perspective on this, I don’t think I’ve gone to be at 9:30 since I was like 7 years old. And even then, I was probably feeling under the weather or something. The saddest part of my early bedtime is that it doesn’t really matter, I’m still exhausted the next day.

I went to bed the other night at 9:30pm and got up at 6:30am. That is a nice little 9 hours of sleep. That’s good night’s rest. But noooooo. I was still exhausted the next day. Yet, when I used to go to bed at 5am and get up at 11 or 12 I was fine. No tired. You know how some people are just born with the ability to play golf or run really fast? I think my skill is being nocturnal. It’s a skill that doesn’t come in so handy when you go to bed only an hour after it gets dark. I’m working against destiny here people.

This weekend was another one of doing a whole lot of nothing. I was actually sore last night from laying down too long on the couch. I had to take some Advil because my neck and the back of my head were throbbing from laying in the same position for so very long. I might have had the early stages of bed sores. Which was exactly my goal.

I was supposed to go camping this weekend, but I just couldn’t do it. It’s the yearly trip that my friends have been doing for awhile now. Every year I hate camping, but I enjoy the company. But this year the logic of driving 4 hours each way to sit outdoors with people who live in the same town as me was just not quite apparent. I started out the week with high hopes of getting out of town and relaxing with good friends in a great location. Then, as the week (and I) dragged on the thought of wasting precious non-working hours in a car just started sounding like less and less of an ideal way to spend my time off. I was supposed to drive with a friend and we were both secretly hoping that the other one would flake, so we didn’t have to make the trek. We started an email correspondence around Wednesday about the logic of this camping trip. And by Thursday we had decided there was no logic and we’d be better off just staying home. We did get together on Saturday to hang out, at which point we both looked at each other and said, “God, I’m so happy we didn’t go this weekend.”

I think we are officially old.

You know how to feel really old? Have a 21 year old live with you for a few months. Jesus. This guy that is renting my spare room has more friends and more of a life in this town than I think I ever did. Every time he comes home it’s from some adventure or party or whatnot. He came home the other day, “Look! I have pictures of me sky diving!” Then a week later he comes home in a wife beater tank top, with paint splattered all over him, “We went paint-balling!” Then one night he headed out, looking sharp as hell, “Whereya headed?” “A friend of mine is in town for a sorority convention, so I’m going to go meet up with her and her friends.” “Wow, you gotta like your odds at a sorority convention.” “Sly smile.”

One day he comes out with a pair of shoes, “Do you think these will pass for shoes instead of sneakers? We’re going to some fancy club in San Fran and I can’t wear sneakers.” I looked at the shoes that probably cost more than his monthly rent, “You’re a black man, you know how to dress, no one can tell you what suitable fashion is. Tell the bouncers that.” “True, true.”

I think he will be moving out soon, which is good, it’s exhausting just hearing about his exciting life, I don’t have the energy to keep up with it...

Funny, and Sorta Sad

2007-08-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

Things

2007-08-26T21:34:00.002-07:00

As promised I did a whole lot of nothing this weekend. It was lovely. And now we are once again back at Monday again tomorrow. Why do Saturday and Sunday go by so much quicker than Monday and Tuesday? What is that all about? Who knows.

I really have nothing to report as my life is pretty much a blur of work and work and work these past couple of weeks, so I don’t really know what I’m supposed to blog about. I did go see a show that was funny as hell, Avenue Q. If you ever get the chance to see the show as it travels around definitely go check it out. It is High-larious. It’s kinda like a completely inappropriate Sesame Street. Completely inappropriate. As in, yes, there are puppets and no, do not take the children. Some of the song titles were “It Sucks to Be Me”, “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist”, “The Internet is For Porn” and “If You Were Gay”. Ha. It was awesome. And so so wrong. I don’t think we realize what a padded world we live in until you watch things that don’t make any effort to be politically correct.

And speaking of racist, I took this picture in the supermarket and I thought it was sorta funny. “Excuse me, do you have any Hispanics here?” “Aisle 15, right next to the Asians. You’ll have to go down a couple aisles for the French though.”

And because my friends have lives and are doing things besides working and attaching themselves to their couches when they aren’t working, here is a trailer for a short film a friend of mine is cutting together. It made me laugh, so I thought it might make you guys laugh as well.

I will try to have something noteworthy happen to me tomorrow, so that there will be things to blog about...

Hello Out There

2007-08-23T22:56:00.000-07:00

My lord.

It’s been like a week since I’ve written. What have you people been doing to fill your days if not with the wonder that is my blog? No, don’t tell me, it’s probably better that you put that pain behind you.

As for me? You know that candle they speak of? The one that burns at both ends? Yeah. I’m on like my 10th candle. Burning them like crazy. I feel like I might be coming out of the other side, into a life that doesn’t involve so little sleep, so much work and a steady stream of Advil to help my aching carpel tunneled arm. But then again, every time you feel like things are calming down they have a way of picking back up again. But for this millisecond they fill a bit calmer. And I hope to extend this millisecond into my weekend, where I intend on doing absolutely nothing. It will be lovely.

Anywho, I’m sure there are things to update you on. But I’m sure I don’t feel like typing any more right now, because of that before mentioned arm pain. I will say that I work in a big building now and the management of that building held an ice cream social in the lobby this afternoon. And that is about the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Give me whip cream and sprinkles and I’m all set.

I will leave you with this:

The dog for August. Yeah. Seems my mother is a bit busy too, because she just dressed the damn dog. He was a patriot for like two months. I think he was afraid of what George W. might do if he changed out of the patriot costume and into this costume.

Mainly I think my mother was just really really hesitant to put a pimped out dog on her front porch. Every month I was like, “When do we get to the porn star?” And every month she’d just shake her head, because she was not looking forward to the porn star. Or the pimp. I’m not really sure what this costume is. I am sure that it is missing something though. See the curly hair under the hat? In my original design of this costume there was supposed to be some of that hair peeking out of the shirt as well, Fido showing off his chest hair. But mom didn’t understand my vision, “I just couldn’t do the chest hair, I couldn’t.”

She also couldn’t do this costume in the right month either, “I think this costume is supposed to be October, but I have the ladies coming over to my house for Bunco in October, and I just can’t have a porn star dog on my front porch when then come.”

Obviously these ladies don’t understand art.

Graduation

2007-08-16T22:37:00.000-07:00

Nola graduated from Puppy Class tonight.

By the way, when exactly did my life become one in which I race out of work at 5, go pick up the dog at Doggie Day Care, then go to Puppy Class? Things have taken a weird turn.

Anywho, Nola probably shouldn't have graduated from Puppy Class because his mom has had a hell of a couple of weeks and has done nothing in the way of teaching him the things a puppy would need to know to graduate. But he's cute and the teacher likes him, so he got to pass. Kinda like high school, really.

Then the teacher gave us little graduation caps to put on them. And by put on them I mean wrestle on them... We weren't really able to get a clear shot because he was moving so much. I think part of him knew that he didn't deserve that hat, because he didn't do every single thing he was supposed to to pass. I think another part of him knew that the hat was annoying the hell out of him...

Here is a picture of what a good puppy looks like. Notice, no blurring.

First Day of School

2007-08-15T23:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Nola's first day at Doggy Day Care. And my last day as a self-respecting human being.

I called to make an appointment for him and the lady said, "Try to get here as early as possible, because he is a boy and he needs to establish dominance."

"Uh huh."

"We open at 6:30 a.m."

"Riiiiight."

Seriously, I don't care if my dog has a few adjusting problems if it means that I can sleep in longer. It's bad enough that I'm even taking him to this damn place, now I have to get up early so that he can establish his dominance? Screw that. He weighs 8 pounds, he's going to need a lot more than me getting up at dawn to help him with his dominance.

UPDATE:

I actually checked the doggy cam online as soon as I got to work.

I have issues.

Twelve

2007-08-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

You’ve heard me talk about The Kid on here before. The Kid is my cousin Kate, who is turning 12 today. When she was born I was still in high school and had very little interest in the little ball of baby on the floor. I was a teenager, I had other things to do, you know. My aunt brought her over to my house and given the fact that my aunt hadn’t recently given birth, I asked what the baby was all about. “She’s my granddaughter.” “How long are you taking care of her?” “Just a little while.”

A little while turned into 12 years. And that little baby turned into a little adult. Right before my eyes. (Is it me, or is 12 years old a lot older than it used to be?)

You go through your days, you want them to matter, you want to feel like something you are doing might actually mean something beyond this 24 hours you are living. And I must say, you will be hard pressed to find a better way to spend those days than by being a part of a kid’s life. Those little days, those hours of games here, minutes of random conversation there, seconds of hugs and “I love you”s, they all add up to something.

Kate didn’t have a lot of people she could count on and I made a promise a long time ago that I would be one of those people. Of all the twists and turns my life has taken this last decade that promise has been one of the few consistencies. And I know for a fact that it has made me a better person. You look at the world differently when you’ve made a kid an important part of your life. Some things matter more, some things matter less. You make decisions differently when you know there is someone who is looking up to you. This isn’t exactly groundbreaking, but I don’t know if I would have learned a lot of things as early as I did if I didn’t have Kate in my life.

It seems weird to me that she is already 12, that the time has passed so quickly. But I look forward to it continuing to pass. I look forward to continuing to watch her grow into who she will ultimately be. People always say they have their favorite ages of kids, but I’ve never really had a favorite age. Whatever age she is right now is my favorite, because it’s just so much fun to watch her morph into a little person. I see kindness in her, and humor. And that’s all I really need. The kid has a good heart and the ability to be sarcastic. My work here is done.

In April Kate came out to New Orleans with my family and friends. She was the only kid in the group. I wondered how she would do, as manual labor isn’t the best way for a kid to spend her vacation. The first day she grabbed a shovel and started mixing cement next to a man more than double her size. She exhausted herself, but she didn’t complain (any more than the aching adults). Then the next day she was the first back to work before lunch was over, ready to hammer some nails. During down time she explored the neighborhood where we were working, moving slowly through the remains of dozens of families, a very privileged kid taking in what it means to lose everything.

A month or so later she spent three weeks in Africa with my aunt and some other people. (Are you jealous of the 12 years old’s travel schedule yet? I am.) During their trip they visited an orphanage, where Kate fell in love with all the kids.

This weekend she’s having a birthday party. (“I’m having the big one this year, with all the family and stuff, so that next year, when I’m 13, I don’t have to have adults, just my friends.” (Ahhhhh the teenage years)) On her invitation there is a picture of Kate holding a kid at the orphanage. Below that it reads, “Instead of gifts, please make a donation to the African orphanage we visited, together we can make a difference.” The invitation is on my fridge, it will stay there long after the party is over.

Don’t get me wrong, the kid isn’t perfect. But at the end of my days, when I’m wondering if they’ve mattered, all I need to do is look at that kid and I know. Thanks for letting me come along for the ride Miss Kate, nothing and no one has made me prouder.

I look forward to the rest of the trip.

Happy Birthday.

Radio

2007-08-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

I haven’t had anything resembling a commute for quite some time. And let’s be honest here, I don’t have anything resembling a commute now. When there is no traffic it takes 6 minutes to get from my office to my house. When there is traffic it takes about 10 minutes.

But still.

That is 20 minutes more radio than I’m used to hearing in a day. When I work at home I usually have the Itunes going and listen to my million and one songs I have on my computer. Or I go over to that awesome 90's station and relive my pegged pants years.

But in the car I listen to the radio.

Some things I’ve noticed:

The Shane Company (Now You Have a Friend in the Diamond Business) needs to be firebombed. Seriously. This guy is on EVERY FRIGGIN STATION. Trying to convince every demographic that you need a diamond for pretty much every event in your life. “Did your sweetheart stub her toe today? Show her you care with one of our diamonds.” This guy has officially guaranteed that I will never in my lifetime buy a diamond from him. Now, to be honest, he’s not missing out on any business, as I don’t ever have any intention of buying a diamond in my lifetime, but still. I might go buy one somewhere else just to prove a point.

I would also like to firebomb Delilah. Delilah is a radio chick who is syndicated throughout the land. How do I know she is syndicated? Because I was lucky enough to hear her throughout my entire 10 week road trip across this great land. As if the middle of Nebraska didn’t have enough problems without this woman. Arrrgggg. She is so peaceful and loving and CONDESCENDING, she makes me want to hurt her.

I think I might have issues with overly calm sounding people. They 1) make me nervous 2) make me distrust their sincerity, 3) make me want to give them an IV of caffeine to speed their speech up a little bit and 4) they are usually full of crap.

The song below is the most annoying thing I’ve ever heard. It is on about 23453 times a day and everyone LOVES it. I know I’m behind on this, but I really think it’s better that way, because I don’t think I could have dealt with this song in my life for any more time than I've already endured. Listen to it until at least the chorus. That is where it gets poetic. Hold on, let me see if I can get you the lyrics.

When there’s sunshine, we’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be a friend
Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we'll still have each other
You can stand under my umbrella
You can stand under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)

Please note the
(Ella ella eh eh eh eh eh eh)’s
My dear lord. It’s art, right here in front of you.

And just to prove that I’m not completely heartless, this song makes me cry every single time I hear it in the car:

It’s simple, and cheesy in some parts, but the “Laaaaay meee down” - that one line, gets me every time.

Peace.
(With a few firebombs)

Monday Already?

2007-08-12T23:14:00.000-07:00

Geez. Only two days off? Who made up that rule? Someone needs to do something about that ASAP.

The guy living with me has a great schedule, one that I think should be implemented the world ‘round. He goes to work at noon on Monday and leaves at noon on Friday. They work extra hours during the week to make up for the lost hours at the beginning and middle of the week. Man, I could get used to a schedule like that.

I could get even more used to being independently wealthy though...

You know what’s funny, in a sort of alarming sort of way? Pretty much every day it is a struggle for me to remember where I parked my car in the morning. I park in a parking garage and every day after work I push a button and sorta hope that it’s actually the floor where I parked. I’m about 50% on accuracy. I can usually remember where I parked on the floor, so then it’s just a matter of going to all those floors and looking in the spot where my car should be, if it were to be on this floor.

This whole scenario does not bode well for my menopause years, is all I’m saying.

But if you think about it, it’s kinda amazing that we are always able to remember where we park. I mean, you’ve come out of concerts or sporting events and been one of thousands of people who parked their car, and yet you can remember where you parked your one car. I find that amazing. I don’t really know why.

But I do know that it’s much less amazing when you happened to be running late for your concert or sporting event and just parked and ran in, making no note of where you parked. Then afterwards you are like, “Uh oh.” And then it’s dark and so most of the cars look the same color. And your only real hope is wandering around pushing your alarm or unlock button, desperately hoping to see your little tail lights calling out to you in the distance, guiding you home.

Not that I’ve ever done that.

Not that I’ve ever stood in a parking garage with people, pushing a button while yelling, “Shhhh, listen for it, listen! There, do you hear? I think it’s up one level.” “No, that definitely came from a floor down.” “Maybe that was someone else’s alarm all together.”

I may just take a lot of public transportation once I reach menopause, it will save me a lot of effort.

Almost Friday

2007-08-09T22:27:00.001-07:00

Ever.

So.

Tired.

Brain.

Not.

Functioning.

One.

Day.

Left.

Never.

Been.

So.

Happy.

To.

See.

Friday.

Peace.

Out.

I’m Still Alive

2007-08-08T22:50:00.001-07:00

But I am very tired.

Who knew how tiring it was to work for a living? Hmmm.

It’s about 10:45 and I’m writing this cause I need to go to bed. What happened to my wild and crazy lifestyle of watching the sun come up on a regular basis? It has sadly gone away. So far away.

I saw The Bourne Whatever The Name Is this weekend and I decide that I think I want to be a hired killer for a living. It looks like a lot of fun. You don’t do much, just kinda lay around waiting for a call and then you’re off to do the killing. The cool part is that the killing usually takes place is really cool foreign countries. I’m sure they cover your travel expenses. It really looks like a cool job. I mean except for the whole having to kill people thing. But, I mean, if I get free airfare...

Nola has had a rough week as well, with his mother off trying to work for a living. My parents (who are done working for a living) have decided that they think that the dog should probably stay with them during the week and I can have him on the weekends. Who am I, Britney Spears? I can’t have custody of my own damn dog? Geez.

So Nola has been over at my parent’s house for most of the week. Today he was home all day and I about died of guilt. So I went to the local doggie daycare after work and picked up an application. I know it is ridiculous to pay someone for the privilege of having your dog sit in their house instead of your house, but still. At least I’ll know that he is with other dogs and not just sitting at home crying and trying to plot a way to eat my red couch.

The greatest thing about the doggie daycare is that they have video cameras that you can access online. Because paying to leave you dog at a daycare isn’t psychotic enough, they want to give you the opportunity to stalk your own pet on the internet. Good lord.

...

2007-08-06T00:24:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should go to bed.

As that's what responsible people with jobs do.

I gotta start playing the lottery.

Final Friday

2007-08-03T02:01:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow/Today is my last Friday of Freedom. It’s all so bittersweet. Today I had to meet friends for lunch at 11:30 and I was exhausted by the effort. I do look forward to Monday morning when I have to be to work at 8:30. I might be one of the first people to really fight for the Mexican siesta tradition here in America. I’m brown, I can pull it off as a fight for my heritage. I don’t see why only babies and retired people get to nap during the day, it doesn’t seem right.

Tonight was Puppy Class with the dog. Yet another week attempting to turn the dog into the perfect puppy. I think he might need more than one hour a week towards that effort. To be fair, he is overall a really good dog. He just has this teensy tiny little habit of not coming when I call him. I mean, he doesn’t do it all the time. Like when we are inside or at the dog park or in a backyard somewhere, he comes to me right when I call him. But when we are outside of my condo, with the whole world at his disposal, he doesn’t have much interest in the whole “come here” thing. He just looks up, thinks for a second, and then goes back to trying to find cat poop. And then I get mad. And I go after him. And then he thinks we are playing. And I am the opposite of playing. And by the time I do finally get him I am the opposite of happy. Which is probably why he doesn’t want to come to me in the first place actually - because when he finally gets to me I’m always in a really bad mood.

But other than that he’s just perfect.

And I need to know, is there anything cuter on this planet than a puppy class? Seriously. It’s like cute overload. I don’t even think a baby class (Do they have baby classes? They aren’t mobile, so they don’t need the “come here” lesson.) wouldn’t be as cute. Because babies cry and stuff. Puppies just play and jump around and generally love life and everything about it. Then when you have 10 puppies all together? Cute overload.

That is all I have to say for today. I’m in mourning for soon-to-be-gone sleeping patterns and can think of very little else. May they rest in peace. No pun intended.

Dogs

2007-08-01T02:46:00.000-07:00

I don’t watch the news. It makes me angry. It depresses me. Plus, I used to work at a news station and I know that what is considered “news” really depends on how slow the day is. But I don’t want to be totally uninformed, so I try to get my headlines off of Yahoo. It’s amazing how informed you can be by simply logging on to Yahoo’s main page right before you go check your e-mail. All sorts of headlines await you there. And as you know, you don’t need to read much beyond the headline to get the news.

Because Yahoo is 24 hours a day they are sometimes hard-pressed to come up with things that are worthy of Top Story status. Sometimes there is just nothing going on. Take for instance the fact that the other day I logged on and saw a picture of Oprah. Next to her picture was a quote from her saying something like, “I felt like I’d been stabbed in the chest (maybe stomach (maybe heart (definitely torso area))).” When I saw that I thought, “Oh dear, Maya Angelou is dead! Or some other old fabulous black person. Maybe Sydney Poitier. Let me click and investigate further.”

Then when I clicked I was led to a story about Oprah’s damn dog dying. Seriously. This is how famous this woman is. Or how slow a news day it was. Can you think of anyone else on the PLANET that would get a headline on the front page of Yahoo because their DOG DIED? Please. This woman is really just living in her own world of fame and fortune and god-like status. “Publicist Person, my dog died. I’m going to need you to write up a press release. Possibly even release some pictures of me looking very sad.”

Today I saw a great headline on Yahoo: Hollywood’s Pigeons to Get The Pill

I don’t know for sure, but isn’t there a war or something going on? You know, people dying and being blown up and slaughtered in the name of Jesus and freedom? Or something? I dunno. All I know is that you shouldn’t let your dog eat rubber balls and the pigeon poop problem in Hollywood warranted the attention of several people and committees and possibly even some scientists. Ahhhh, America.

Because I too am very famous, I will let you know that my dog still has a cone on his head and he is still not happy about it. He is less happy about the fact that I removed the cone for about an hour tonight and then had to put it back on. My friend, who is his vet, said that he was probably okay to be cone-free, so I took it off. But after a week of not being able to lick and bite wherever he wanted he went a little crazy. I feared that me may not stop until he had completely removed all of his private areas.

The saddest part of all is that when you walk a dog with a cone on his head people assume that the cone is because he is a biter. Then all of a sudden instead of, “Oooooohhhhhh, what a cute puppy!” I get, “.....” That “....” is accompanied by sideways glances that don’t quite make eye contact with the animal. My poor cute puppy has been branded a crazy biter. Which coincidently he became, this evening, when I removed the cone. The people giving him the sideways looks shouldn’t be worried, the worst that is going to happen is he might obsessively start biting his dinger off.

Put that on Yahoo.

The Countdown

2007-07-30T01:33:00.000-07:00

So then.

In 7 days time I will be starting a new job. A Big Girl Job, I call it. One that requires me to show up at 8:30 in the morning and stay until 5 in the evening. And it requires me to spend those hours in a cubicle. Hmmmm.

Basically it’s a good job that is offering too much for me to pass it up. It’s a good opportunity to use my graphic design and marketing skills and a good opportunity to get even more graphic design and marketing skills.

I’m not really going to go into great detail about all of this, as this is the internets and it’s quite easy to find this blog if you were, say, a new employer.

I will say that I do believe my parents are the happiest of all about this job. My parents spent 30 years each working for the state/county. They enjoy a stable job. So far, I haven’t been a huge fan. I have been quite blessed these past few years to have been able to do whatever, whenever, wherever. I’ve traveled a lot, I’ve slept a lot, and yet I’ve still managed to pay my bills and even buy a condo. Despite the fact that I haven’t been homeless at all, parents aren’t terribly thrilled with the idea of freelance income. They like paychecks. And 401k’s.

My dad is so excited about me getting this job that you’d think I had won the friggin’ lottery. Tonight he planned a celebration dinner that included a limo ride and family members and great food. You see, it’s been hard on ol’ dad. I was supposed to be the kid that went to a great college, graduated with honors and entered the corporate food chain. But that just wasn’t my thing. Ever since I packed up my car and headed down to LA with no money or a place to live I think poor dad has had a little bit of an ulcer. Mom hasn’t been much better. They’ve shaken their heads and rolled their eyes more times than can really be counted. And so now I have the Big Girl Job and dad is popping champagne.

We’ll see how it all works out.

When I first connected with new employer it was in the AM hours. The guy called me and told me about the job and all it had to offer. I grabbed the first thing I could find near my bed (a magazine) and started jotting down notes on an ad.

It’s an ad that says “Eye Opening” on it. Does that mean something? Who knows. Please note that “PTO” (Paid Time Off) was one of the only things I thought worthy of putting a square around. I wonder if that is a bad sign....

In much more exciting news the other night after a concert thingy a few friends and I went in search of dessert. We walked into PF Changs (a trendy chain Chinese food restaurant here (is it other places too? Who knows)) and as the waiter started mixing the soy sauce on the table we said, “Uh, no, we aren’t going to need that. What we are going to need is the bottom four desserts on your menu.”

This is by far one of the best ideas I’ve ever been a part of. You know how you go to restaurants like this and you make yourself ill on the food, so you have no room for dessert? And they always have really pretty desserts, but you feel like you may vomit, so you pass. I highly recommend skipping the food and just ordering a gang of desserts. Much more enjoyable.

Life. Is in the little things.

Stuff

2007-07-25T00:05:00.001-07:00

"So, let me get this straight. You take my balls and you leave me with this damn cone on my head? That seems like the worst deal ever." - Nola Dog

Here he is in happier times, pre-cone.

The instructions say that I'm not supposed to let him jump on things. Which shouldn't be a problem at all with a 6 month old puppy who is half bird.

I'll just put his reading materials on the ground, so he can get to them.

--------------------
In other Random News:

I saw this bus today while I was driving and it kinda freaked me out. Can you see the eyes in the back? They are really detailed, they even have eye shadow. They look sad to me. It was rush hour, so I can see why they would be bummed.

--------------------

And Nola's Snippity Snip has nothing on my harrowing experience of the day.

I needed cash so I pulled into a gas station and went in. They didn't have an ATM, so I had to buy something. I grabbed some Twinkies and called it a day. Just now, as I was trying to keep my energy up for this blog post, I ripped open the Twinkies, took a bite, thought maybe something had gone terribly wrong at the Twinkie factory and then I looked at the package:

Banana #$!%&*%$!# Twinkies? This has got to fall under the WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY? Category. I mean, for the love of god. Stop. Candy makers, and general treat dispensers, please. Just stop. There is a reason your products have been around for 100 years. They are good. It's that simple. And sometimes it's okay for things to be simple. Why must the people at the candy bar companies constantly be sitting around trying to come up with new ways to package chocolate and carmel and tasty treats? Please. Stop.

And if you aren't going to stop what I need is packaging that makes it ridiculously clear that you are trying to get me to fall in love with a new product. Because one way to make your old product have a bad connotation in my head is by making me eat it when has unknowingly turned to banana flavor. I will be gun shy every time I see a Twinkie now. And that's no kind of life to lead. If we can't blindly eat Twinkies and know they will be good then I don't know if any of the rest is even worth it.

The Car

2007-07-24T02:19:00.000-07:00

As requested, here are pics of the new car. It's actually an SUV, not a car. Which I didn't really know until I got home and did some comparison shopping online. (Is it bad that I comparison shopped AFTER I bought the car? Whatever.)

The moral of the story is: Take care of your puppies. Because you see, Nola got sick on Friday. Like "puking everything he's ever eaten in his natural life" sick. And so I felt bad leaving him alone when I went out all day on Saturday. So I took him over to my parents' house, so he could puke with family. Then on my way back to pick him up I went by the automall to "just look" at some cars. Riiight. 5:30 pm: "I'm on my way over to pick up the dog." 7:30 pm: "Where are you?" "Uh, I'm test driving a car." "Oh God."

So then.

Here is what happens when you have a sick puppy:

The car is pretty pimped out, cause why not? I've never bought a car before, so I thought I'd might as well go big. The biggest selling point of the car? See below:

It's blurry, because I took it while I was driving. But do you see what it is? A screen. That monitors my tire pressure. (The screen does other things too, but who really cares about them?) So when my tire pressure is screwy and might cause me to go spinning across the freeway (as has been known to happen to me) it will tell me so that I might remedy the situation before the situation becomes me ramming head on into the friggin center divide going 70 miles an hour.

You have no idea how much of a selling point this was. Seriously. I go into SF alot for theater stuff and to visit friends. EVERY SINGLE time I go I pull over at least once, if not twice, to check my tires. Because I'm that paranoid about them blowing up. As about 15 or so have done to me over the years. I also didn't like to drive long distances with kids in my car for fear they may get hurt when the next flat tire came my way. Basically I was scared of my own car.

But no more. Kids, adults, whoever, hop on in! Yay tire pressure monitors!

There are a lot of other cool things about the car, but really, the tire thing is the coolest to me.

Procrastination Station, Stop #754 - Nissan Dealer

2007-07-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

This weekend I took procrastination to an all-time high.

I bought a car instead of doing my work.

Funny thing though, after I did that the worked flowed like crazy.

Cause really, what more could I do?

I really had done EVERYTHING except what I was supposed to do.

My new favorite t-shirt reads: "Procrastinators of the world UNITE!!......tomorrow"

That is all.

Procrastination Station, Stop #34 - Craigslist

2007-07-19T00:37:00.000-07:00

Inspired by my discovery of the Adult Coloring Club (the non-competitive one) I decided to post some of the other wonderful activities there are to be found when looking around Craigslist. I’m currently on a deadline for a writing project. That is the explanation for why I’m instead perusing Craigslist. I’ve already done everything else I could possibly do (besides write of course) so now I’m moving on to Craigslist.

--------

baton twirlers!
Reply to: comm-372082078@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-12, 6:25AM PDT

looking to (re)connect with other baton twirlers that used to twirl competitively. I mostly want to practice my rolls and learn some new ones! Maybe we can teach each other a thing or two. This is for Sacramento and for twirlers who are 18 or older or have twirled baton competively.

This just cracks me up. But the weird thing is I’ve actually seen a whole group of baton twirlers at the park on more than one occasion. A big group too. Just twirling away. There were jugglers there too. They entertained me so. But this is still a random ass posting. I love that they are specifying that the twirlers need to be 18 years or older. I imagine a man hanging out with kids asking them to twirl his baton might not go over so well.

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French Conversation Group
Reply to: comm-371565954@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-11, 12:32PM PDT

I'm looking for people in the Grass Valley/Nevada City area who want to get together and practice speaking French! I'm moving to a french speaking country in a couple of months and need to brush up on my conversational skills. Email me if you are interested, and we can organize something.

This just seems funny to me because you are posting to have people get together with you and just talk. I can’t imagine what they would talk about. I guess it wouldn’t matter, as long as it was French, but still. I just imagine the people getting together and then just kinda looking at each other blankly, with absolutely nothing to say to each other, in French or any other language.

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Self Help Group
Reply to: comm-376420892@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-18, 1:19AM PDT

Question 1: Did you ever read a self-help book before?
Question 2: Do you want to meet people like you?

Call (916) 925-2545.

Hubbard Dianetics Foundation
1010 Hurley Way, Suite 505
Sacramento, CA 95825

Doesn’t the phrase “Self-Help Group” seem sort of contradictory? You’re either getting help from a group or you’re getting help from yourself. You can’t have it both ways. Also, I love that the Scientologists are trying to get people off of Craigslist. Man, if that ain’t a religion worth looking into I just don’t know what is. And the Questions. They are so specific and really narrow down the people who could respond. And by narrow down I mean, keep it as wide open as possible to get as many people as possible to sign up for their crazy pod-tastic religion.

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Nude Yoga Monday & Wednesday Evenings for Men
Reply to: comm-375092811@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-07-16, 10:10AM PDT

If you've ever thought about trying a yoga class but were looking for one that was more focused on men, then this might be the class for you.

We're a fun group of guys that enjoy being nude, practicing yoga and developing a sense of community.

Classes are Monday and Wednesday evenings.

For all of the details, please e-mail us.

There are just too many things to comment on here. “We're a fun group of guys that enjoy being nude, practicing yoga and developing a sense of community.” I think that they will be developing something, I do not know if it’s a sense of community. Also, have you ever done yoga? Have you ever thought while doing yoga, “Geez, you know what would make this weird contortion of my body even MORE enjoyable? If I were naked. Yes. And if everyone around me were naked too. Because yoga is all about being zen-like and nothing would make me more zen than seeing that dude across from me in a naked downward dog.”

I’m Back

2007-07-17T01:58:00.001-07:00

I’ve made it back to the northern part of the great state of California. I am ever so happy to be back. The southern part of the state has traffic that makes me what to kill people. This is an unfortunate way to spend a few days. I did get to see some old friends though, which made the traffic worth it. The fact that I actually endured the traffic to go see them is a really good indication of how much I actually like them. There are not many people on the planet that would be worth tackling the 405 freeway. You know what else makes LA worth it? Chin Chin. The Chinese-y restaurant that only exists in LA and Los Vegas. It’s Chinese food in the way that Taco Bell is Mexican food. And that way is awesome. I wonder if carrying 15 pounds of chinese chicken salad on a plane would set off any security alarms. It might be worth testing out.

The script I went down to La La Land to write is coming along nicely. I need to get it done by the end of this week, so I imagine it will be coming along even nicely-er towards the end of this week. I signed a confidentiality thingy, so I can’t tell you what the movie is about, but god I hope it actually gets made so that you can all watch it. It is RAN-dom. It always entertains me how every person in LA has a movie idea. And every 20th person actually has a little money to try to shoot their movie idea. In other cities people look into things like investments, maybe real estate. In LA if you have some extra cash you make a movie. It’s just what you do. Ha.

In the Not All People Are Complete Asses Department today I have a great story that will warm your heart. When I arrived at the airport there was a huge group of people waiting in the welcome area holding a sign the said, “Welcome Home”. I didn’t recognize any of the people so I figured they might be there to greet someone else besides me. Whatever. As I looked around the group it was pretty obvious that the large group was waiting for their soldiers to come down that escalator. One little girl was holding a sign that said, “Welcome Home Daddy.” I just about died right there. I grabbed my camera out of my pocket to take a picture of this scene but could never quite get a shot that didn’t involve me blatantly standing in front of the group, making their moment into a photo op, so I just put the camera in my back pocket on the off-chance that the group of soldiers came in while I was there. Then I realized that that was inappropriate and so I moved on to my cab and went home.

Cut to yesterday when I realized that my purse (where my camera usually resides) was unusually light. I looked in the purse and noticed my camera was gone. I did a quick mental timeline of the last time I’d seen the camera. Crap. It must have fallen out of my back pocket in the cab. (Coincidently these are the same pants that my Blackberry fell out of before it splashed into the damn toilet. Perhaps the back pocket of these pants is not the safest of storage compartments for my electronics, ya think?) I was none too happy that I’d lost my camera, but I moved on and figured I’d get a new one later this week.

Then today when I was paying for some food I remembered that the nice Cab Man had given me a receipt for my cab fare. On that receipt was his number. I called the number and asked Cab Man if perhaps he had found a camera in his cab, “Yes, yes, your camera, I have here. I wanted to bring to you, but you live in big complex and I didn’t drop you off at your door, so I do not know where you live. I have it here.” How awesome is that? And even more awesome is the fact that the next person in the cab after me is the one who actually found the camera and they are the one that gave it to Cab Man. Two people could have stolen my camera and two people decided to give it back to me. Awwww. People aren’t all complete asses! Yay people!

I had to pick the roommate up at the airport tonight, so I went by Cab Man’s Cab Area at the airport and he gave me the camera. And I gave him a hug. I think we were both surprised by that. I’m not a big hugger on the whole, but I was so touched that this man had been so kind. It was an awkward hug in which Cab Man thought I was going to shake his hand and then realized I was going to hug him and then didn’t really know how to hug me and almost hit me with his forehead. It was a great hug. And totally reminded me that there are some nice people out there.

Oh and Welcome Home Soldiers. If you didn’t already have so many waiting for you, I would have given you a hug too.

Remember When

2007-07-13T00:40:00.000-07:00

So there's not much to report from La La Land. The only thing I've really made a note of is the fact that I may have some sort of brain problem. I lived down here for two years or so. I think. And I think it was about 5 or 6 years ago that I was here. Maybe 7. And I can't remember a damn thing about this place. I have no idea how to get anywhere. Now granted, LA is huge and spread out like crazy. But still, you'd think some things would ring some bells. I spent 20 minutes today trying to find the 405 freeway. Lots of U-turns. And cussing. And making phone calls:

"Okay, do I go 405 north or south to get to you?"
"North"
Ten minutes later, "Okay, 101 north or south?"
"Jesus, don't you remember how to get to Laurel Canyon?"
"I don't remember anything. I don't have to use the information and therefore it has left my brain. Kinda like everything I learned in high school."

It just seems weird, shouldn't I remember some things?

Well, I guess I remember SOME things. Today my old roommate and I went by the first place we lived when we moved down here. When the two of us met we were both working at the same TV station in Chico, which is up north. One day I asked if he ever thought of moving down to LA. He said yes. So we packed up our two cars and drove down. No money, no jobs, no place to live. Ahhhh to be young and completely insane.

We crashed with a friend for a little while, then we found an apartment. In the ghetto. So so ghetto. We went by it today and sure enough, it's still in the ghetto. We went inside (Through the front door that still has that call box thing outside as if it's a secure building. The front door was still propped open like it was the whole time we lived there. Classy.) We took the elevator up and it is still the slowest moving elevator of all time. I've gone 40 floors in the time it takes this thing to creak up three tiny floors. We tried to get up on the roof, but the fire escapes have been locked since we lived there. Which is a bummer.

When we lived there we'd go up on the roof and drink Coronas and watch the freeway traffic. Because that was the view, the freeway. And not even like the freeway in the distance. No. The freeway right next to the apartments. Awesome. One thing that we always found weird, the roof had walls on it. As if they started to make a fourth floor and then all of a sudden they gave up. The walls have doorways and everything. Weird. But yet, kinda fitting.

So today we went back to our ghetto apartment and we laughed at how we moved in there with a couch, a weight bench, two beds and a TV (always a TV). Add in the Coronas and we were had everything you could need.

Ahhhh to be young and completely insane.

LA

2007-07-12T02:22:00.000-07:00

There are too many people in L.A..

They are all on the road.

All the time.

That is all.

Dawn In the Sky, With Peanuts

2007-07-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

I am currently flying over the great state of California, headed to La La Land for a few days. My life is weird sometimes. I got a random call the other day from someone who needs a script written ASAP. I’ve got the time, so I said I’d fly down to LA and do it. We shall see how it all works out. Today is Tuesday. I will be back on a plane on Sunday night. That leaves about 5 days to write a movie. It could be brilliant. Or maybe not so much. Either way, I’m sure it will make for some interesting blogs.

These last couple weeks have been The Weeks. The Weeks I knew would come eventually, if I just stayed still for a moment. I’ve been still for a couple months, trying to figure out my next move, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. The thing is, I knew if I waited long enough I wouldn’t really have to figure anything out on my own. Something would come my way and make things a little clearer. That’s the way the universe works. Give it time, let it breathe, it’ll get around to you eventually.

So, without going into too much detail, the universe seems to have gotten around to me. And because nothing is ever simple, it seems to have gotten around to me on several fronts. Just cause, why not really? Decisions loom on my horizon. No me gusta decisions. Perhaps I will put it to a vote on the blog, let you all make my life choices. That doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

In other news, this is the first time I’ve been away from my puppy for any extended period of time. I’m not one of those people who is going to call and check up on my dog because I miss him so much, but I am one of those people who might call to check up on the people who have been left with my dog. I’m terribly concerned that he is going to be a bad boy and reflect poorly on my mothering skills. I’d hoped to have him for a few more months before I had any major trips away from him. I figured by the Fall he would be a perfect puppy, so I could leave him without worrying that he would eat/pee on my family members’ entire homes.

Oh well, what are you going to do really? I guess I could have brought him with me, he’s tiny enough that I could have smuggled him on the plane. It would be very Hollywood It Girl of me. If I brought him and a drug habit I’d be all set for LA...

People Have Issues

2007-07-08T23:37:00.000-07:00

I was on Craigslist today. Because I love me some Craigslist. You know that might be a good book idea, just all the crap you can do and find on Craigslist. Hmmmm. It would be good times. Because people are random as all hell on Craigslist. And then there are people who are crazy as all hell.

Like this lady:

Grown Up Girls Coloring Club
Reply to: comm-363367898@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-29, 5:47PM PDT

I would like to organize a small group of women over 18 who would enjoy coloring together. We can meet at my home, maybe once a week. We can color, chat, listen to nice/fun music and have healthy snacks. You can bring your own materials, or I can share mine. There are lots of great coloring pages online that we can print. Or you can draw your own, if you'd like. We won't be drinking, or smoking, or swearing or anything like that. Also, I hope we won't be competitive with each other, and that everyone will be respectful of each other's individual skills and styles. I think that it could be lots of fun. E-mail me with any questions or ideas.

-------------------------------------------------

Seriously. Someone actually posted this.

I really hope it’s a joke.

And I really wish I had a friend that would come with me to this party. It would be the funnest thing ever. We could bring booze and pot and start yelling at each other about how the other one is a horrible color-er.

Why aren’t they “drinking, or smoking, or swearing”? Or “anything like that”? And is there anything OTHER than that? Who wants to hang out with people who don’t swear? You know, as I’m thinking about this I think it would be friggin’ high-lar-ious to have a drunk coloring party. Oh, the things that would be colored. Oh, the things that would be added to the innocent coloring book drawings. It would be awesome.

My favorite part: “I hope we won’t be competitive with each other, and that everyone will be respectful of each other’s individual skills and styles.” Seriously, this lady is killing me. I don’t think I was ever competitive over coloring, even when I was of the age that people actually colored. Who is a competitive color-er? I will give you that I was a perfectionist color-er and often took much longer than the other kids to do my coloring because OH MY GOD, what if I make the wrong color choice or draw something wrong? Yeah, it’s been fun inside this head since the very beginning.

Man, do I want to go to this party. The healthy snacks, the no swearing, the coloring. God, this crap has the potential to get HUGE. Watch out for it on Oprah next year. Nate will be all over this.

We The People

2007-07-04T23:15:00.000-07:00

I don't usually post political stuff, but this is just too good. In the era of Fox News you just don't hear things like this on TV. Which is why things are the way things are.

“If you’re not completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

Pay attention.

Happy Independence Day.

Song I'm Obsessed With Right Now

2007-07-03T16:02:00.000-07:00

Brandi Carlile, The Story

Here it is live. A little jittery, but I tend to like the live versions better.

True Colors

2007-07-03T02:03:00.000-07:00

So my friend and I went to the True Colors concert the other night in Berkeley, CA. It is the big gay concert that has been touring around the country. A friend of mine from work had wanted to go, but then he had to bail at the last minute. Down a gay I called my friend Heather and she filled in. Although she is straight she did a fine job.

We had lawn tickets for the concert, which took place at the Greek Theater that, living up to its very name, is designed like a Greek Theater. Who knew the Greeks’ lawns were at 90 degree angles? I must have missed that part of history class. Before I left for the concert I went by Tar-jay to pick up some chairs for the lawn. I was looking for those chairs you put on stadium bleachers when you are surrounded by men who can’t get enough of watching men tackle each other. The True Colors concert was sure to offer the same type of crowd, so I thought the chairs would be equally as useful.

The woman at Tar-jay didn’t go to football games or gay concerts, so she had no idea what I was talking about. Instead she lead me to the aisle that has chairs for people who need special chairs for playing video games. I guess you need to be closer to the ground when you play video games? Who knows. All I know is that I found the most kick ass chairs EVER in this aisle. They sit on the ground, and they are padded, and their backs are adjustable. They are awesome.

Oh, I did I mention they had rockers on the bottom of them? Yeah. And did I mention exactly how steep the hill is in the lawn seats at the Greek Theater? Yeah. This meant we were sitting on these (fantastic) chairs that were one wrong move away from becoming (fantastic) sleds. It was an adventure to say the least. And the damn lesbians behind us weren’t helping our cause by piling all their crap up against our chairs. Did they not see that our poor thigh muscles were straining to keep us from flying into the more expensive section of the theater? Apparently not.

Overall the concert was good. It was 4 friggin hours long. That is a lot of concert. Especially when your thigh muscles are getting weak. But they did a good job changing the bands out pretty quickly with Margaret Cho doing stand-up while the stage was being prepped between bands. And in pleasant surprise category Cyndi Lauper did an amazing job. Who knew? She can actually sing. And has a great stage presence. Debbie Harry, on the other hand, who used to be with Blondie, is now just with herself and she seems to think that dancing like my mother at a wedding is an appropriate form of choreography for a rock star. Note to Debbie Harry: It is not. Note to Mom: Debbie Harry is looking for back-up dancers.

And because this was a gay concert, can I just point out some things that you will only find at a gay concert?

1. Me saying, “I wish there were big screens on the sides so we could get a better view.”
Heather saying, “Yeah, I’d really like to know if Margaret Cho just made out with a girl or a boy up on stage.”

2. The people around us came with 4 course meals, from Whole Foods. We aren’t just talking little snacks, we are talking full-on spreads of food. We’ve got cheese and crackers (expensive cheese), olive (fancy olives), some sort of salmon, spreads for the crackers, grapes, soup, pasta, fancy sandwiches, wine, mixed drinks...and on and on. Heather pointed out that some of the people with this food were not gay. I pointed out that the act of bringing a 4 star meal to a concert is gay, whether or not the people are straight.

3. The men in the audience are 50% more attractive than the women. And that is because they worked 100% harder at maintaining their beauty.

4. The line for the men’s room? Twice as long as the line for the women’s room.

5. And the end of the concert was marked by....wait for it...giant mult-colored balls being thrown into the audience.

Awesome.

This tour is going to happen every year. If you are looking for a good time I highly recommend spending an evening with 8500 gays. And some big balls.

Here is a little crappy video I took:

Chuck E. Vlog

2007-06-28T02:33:00.000-07:00

ATM

2007-06-27T02:52:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else bank with Wells Fargo? I do. And they have this new thing at their ATM’s wherein you are no longer allowed to use envelopes when making your deposit. You simply insert your checks or cash right into the ATM. It’s weird. It feels weird.

You put the checks into the “In” slot and then a few seconds later the ATM tells you the amount of the check. This is weird. It can read handwriting?

Today at the ATM I looked over to the woman at the ATM next to me. She was perplexed. I said, “Do you suppose there are little people inside of here reading our checks?”

“All I want to do is use an envelope. I’m standing here inserting these checks one at a time, it’s taking forever.”

“I think you can insert them all at the same time.”

“I don’t trust this machine to do it that way.”

“I think there are midgets inside, and on the whole they can be trusted.”

“Weird look”

I printed out my receipt. It had a scan of the check I deposited printed right on the receipt.

“Look! The midgets can draw!”

“Unamused glare.”

“Alrighty then, good luck to ya.”

Technology sometimes advances a little too fast for our simple human brains...

Nola Eye View

2007-06-25T23:30:00.000-07:00

I’m thinking that dogs must be born with the tremendous ability to withstand terror on a daily basis. My poor little dog must have nerves of steal to make it through his days. The dog weighs 5.5 pounds. And I insist on taking him to dog parks pretty regularly where he is pretty regularly chased by dogs about 10 times his size. And yet he doesn’t keel over.

Could you imagine if a bus just started gunning for you? And there was more than one bus? And your mom thought this was a funtime activity for you?

Today I was walking Nola around my condo grounds and I noticed a bigger dog up ahead. Nola noticed him too, but didn’t really pay much attention to him. Then the big dog stopped to poop, which gave us a little time to catch up. And gave the big dog time to spot Nola and decide that he would make a perfect midday snack.

So the dog comes sprinting towards us with all his might. He rips his leash right out of his walker’s hand and then has nothing between him and his snack. I am walking Nola with one of those harness leashes, the ones that snap around his body, instead of just hooking onto his little neck. The point of these leashes is to avoid choking your dog. And, as it turns out, to be able to very quickly save your dog from his demise.

I had to laugh because I can only imagine what this all must have looked like to the poor puppy. First he looks up and sees a huge ass dog bearing his teeth and running full speed towards him. He thinks his end must be near. Then all of a sudden he is flying and spinning through the air. Then he is being held above my head as the dog jumps and tries to get to him.

Twenty seconds later, after the owner apologized profusely, we moved down the road a bit and I put him back on the ground. Without missing a beat, he went back to chasing flying bugs.

Nerves of steal this dog.

These Kinds of Things Are the Reason I Live

2007-06-25T04:08:00.000-07:00

This weekend a glorious event took place. It took place painfully close to my home and yet I was unaware of it until it hit the news media. Next year I will be reporting from the scene of this glorious event, because it’s really crap like this that makes life worth living.

This weekend at the Sonoma County Fair they crowned “The World’s Ugliest Dog”. Have you seen this before? I see it every year and every year I just can’t get enough of it.

This is Sam:

According to Wikipedia, “Sam, a blind Chinese Crested dog, was voted the world’s ugliest dog three times in a row, from 2003 through 2005. He died in November 2005 causing an end to his three-year reign. Sam is considered by some to be the ugliest dog ever.”

I don’t think anyone is trying to argue with whoever considers Sam to be the ugliest dog ever. He can have that trophy. Even though the poor thing couldn’t even see his trophy, because he was blind. Which is ironic, considering what he does to other people's eyes.

Wiki goes on to tell the tale of a “voting scandal” that rocked the Ugliest Dog in the World Contest in 2006. There was some sort of online voting fraud or something. Apparently there are people who take this contest very seriously. What with the whole organizing an Ocean’s Eleven type plot to control the voting. Do you suppose one of the contestants was a member of the Bush family? I will stop there, because the rest of the jokes I could make along those lines are just too easy.

Instead, let’s look at this year’s winner:

He too is a Chinese Crested dog. I’m thinking it might be a good idea to stay away from this breed, on the whole. Besides the off chance that they will win a grand in Sonoma once a year, they really don’t seem to have much going for them. Although I’m sure they have wonderful personalities.

Oh god, I just found the website where the voting took place this year: http://www.sonoma-marinfair.org/uglydogvote07.shtml . Please. This is awesome.

Sweet Jesus, I’m so going to this thing next year. I'm looking around the website and in addition to Latino Wrestling they also have great concerts. One of the bands performing at the fair concert? Abbacadabra. An Abba cover band. And a band called Bowling for Soup. You know what is sad? There are two other bands that I’ve actually heard of - SheDaisy and Cheap Trick. Do you think it might be time to start reevaluating the whole music career when you are getting booked alongside Abbacadabra and the World’s Ugliest Dog is getting more media coverage than you? Maybe.

I Am Still Alive

2007-06-21T03:38:00.001-07:00

It has been several days since the new roommate moved in and so far he has not tried to chop me up into bits. I take this as a very good sign. I told my mother that she had nothing to worry about because he is black. And statistically black men are not serial killers. They just aren’t. It’s the shifty white guys you have to worry about. They’ll hack you up before the second course. You’ve seen the movies, you know what I am talking about.

So without a mass murderer moving in things have been pretty uneventful around these here parts. The biggest thing I’ve done lately is download the whole season of ‘Ugly Betty’. That’s like 24 hours of TV I have to watch. How cute is this show? I mean really? How did I miss it this last year? I don’t know. I just get way too over-committed to TV shows and sometimes I have to cut some loose. Thank god for websites that allow me to download the entire seasons of shows that I’ve missed.

I’m not really sure how these websites work. All I know for sure is that they probably are totally illegal and are definitely accessed primarily by people looking for porn. Because no matter what you search for there is always something porn-y you can download as well. God love the internet.

Besides ‘Ugly Betty’ I haven’t been watching much TV this summer, nothing really strikes my interest. A friend of mine invited me over to a ‘So You Think You Can Dance?’ viewing party tonight. And by viewing party I mean 5 of us sitting around playing ‘So You Think You Have The Right To Critique Dancing Just Because You’ve Watched Every Season of Dancing With The Stars?’ It’s a fun game, you should try it.

Tonight one couple was supposed to do a samba dance. After the dance I said, “Well, that was good, but it wasn’t a samba.” My friend said, “How do you know?” I said, “Excuse me, I watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’, I know me a samba when I see it.” And then like three seconds later one of the judges said, “That was a good performance, but that wasn’t a samba.” Ha! I am so informed. I know my ballroom dances.

‘So You Think You Can Play Off Of Dancing With The Stars’ Popularity?’ is okay, but it’s hardly as good as my ‘Dancing with the Stars’. However, I must say that my friends’ commentary does boost ‘SYTYCD’s’ watchability exponentially. Their commentary is almost as entertaining as the random ass celebrities that sit in the audience for every taping of Dancing with the Stars. Why are Florence Henderson and Lisa Loeb sitting next to each other, cheering on Layla Ali? Why not?! And have you been wondering what Jane Seymour has been up to lately? Well, wonder no more, she is sitting in the audience at Dancing with the Stars tapings. Her agent is awesome.

Another thing that is awesome? Apparently tomorrow night there is another edition of ‘So You Wanna Dance With Somebody?’ It’s the elimination show. And you know what they do on the elimination show? Wait for it. A Dance-Off. Yeah. And! And! The name of the Dance-Off is Dance for Your Life. My god. Hollywood. A town of geniuses. And a lot of out of work actors.

I Like Talking Better Than Writing

2007-06-20T03:09:00.000-07:00

I know I’m supposed to be a writer, and that you are supposed to write on blogs. But damn if it isn’t easier to just hold up the camera and ramble on.

Tonight, mom rambled with me.

Party Vlog

2007-06-16T05:09:00.001-07:00

We are party animals.

This May Be My Last Post

2007-06-15T00:58:00.000-07:00

My friend e-mailed me the other day and said that a friend of hers knew of someone looking to rent a room for a few months this summer. She knows that I’m currently very broke, so she thought I might be interested in the extra cash. I said sure.

So in a couple days a random boy will be showing up to my house and will be moving in for a few months. Is that weird? My mother seems to think it is. Well, weird might not be the right word for it. Scaryashell might be a better word for it. Mom is pretty sure that I’m going to be chopped up into bits. But I’m pretty sure I could use the extra cash each month, so I’m willing to risk it. Also, just think of the great book I could get out of it if the dude turns out to be a psycho? It would make a great movie too! Lifetime, I’m gunnin’ for ya. “Mother, May I Rent to Danger?” Ha.

I will have you know that I asked the dude if he was a mass murderer and he said no, he is an engineer. So, as you can see, everything is going to be fine. I did, however, want to write this blog, just in case this engineer is a quick worker and decides to kill me on Sunday, before I get the chance to blog. I wouldn’t want you all to wonder where I had gone.

In other news, Rafael and I are going to a fancy party for a mutual friend tomorrow night and we will be doing a short vlog while we are there. We will look very stupid at this party with my camera in front of our faces - but that is the price we pay for the vlog. If I don’t get killed this weekend then our party-going will be up to welcome you on Monday morning. If there is no party vlog, call the cops. And someone take care of the dog, he will probably miss me the most.

I Heart the Nineties

2007-06-14T01:30:00.001-07:00

I have just discovered the joy that is the radio stations on Itunes. Bored with the million songs on my computer I recently decided to venture over to the radio button. And there I found the best thing ever: The 90's Station.

I heart 90's music.

Right now I’m listening to Color Me Badd’s “I Wanna Sex You Up”. God, this is art with a hip hop beat. It never fails to amaze me that I can remember every word to every song recorded in the 90's, yet I can’t begin to tell you anything about say, chemistry or American history. All of this stuff went into my brain in the 90's. Only “I Wanna Sex You Up” remains. Maybe if chemistry had a hip hop beat.

See, the 90's were really the first decade that I listened to current music. I grew up during the 80's, but tragically the only music I listened to during that decade was my parents’ music. Which is why the 50's Station is just about as exciting to me as the 90's station. When I saw the musical "Jersey Boys" earlier this year it was me and a theater full of retired people cheering the songs of our youth. It appears that cool left me before I even hit puberty. I never had a chance.

A Whole Lotta Video Blogging

2007-06-13T01:29:00.000-07:00

Good news: A friend of mine is smarter than my camera and helped me get the video on my computer.

Not really that bad of news: The camera records in widescreen (like a movie) but my computer program wants it to be tv dimensions. So it just made it tv dimensions. Which means that we are very squeezed in the shot. This isn’t that bad of news because it makes us look about 20 pounds skinnier. As well as about a foot taller than normal. Oh well. I will remedy that for the next vlog, but right now I’m very happy to have any video at all.

And did I mention how much video we have actually? Quite a bit.

This is our first one, so we just set up the camera and rambled. As we both have the ability to do. An hour later we hadn’t really said much at all. We didn’t really have any topics to discuss and we were constantly interrupted by the dog and the kids. Not that the dog and the kids are to blame for why we don’t have anything of interest to say, but why not blame them anyways? They are young and defenseless.

I tried to edit it down to 10 minutes, but then I thought, what the hell, let’s just have two parts for the first one. Neither part is very interesting, but they do sorta give an introduction to us and our rambling. I promise that upcoming editions will be more concise and might even have a point. Although that might be shooting a bit high.

These clips are long, so I recommend pushing play, then pushing pause and letting them load all the way to the end. That way the video won’t stall at all. And you won’t miss any of the 20 minutes of nothing that we have to offer you.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Video Blog

2007-06-12T01:48:00.001-07:00

My friend Rafael and I have been trying to put together this video blog thing. I haven’t had much to write about these past few weeks so I thought I’d enlist his help to liven up the blog. He is my ChrisKwanziKah partner and he cracks me up. So I thought it would be fun to do a regular video blog with him to make things a little more exciting here on the blog for you, the home viewer.

I had this idea quite some time ago.

I went over to his house one time and we set up the camera and turned it on, only to find that we only had about 10 minutes of battery time left. With our rambling asses we barely get our names out in 10 minutes. So that one didn’t go so well. Then this weekend we tried another one. I recently got my fancy camera back and I figured why not shoot with it. It’s a ridiculously expensive camera to be using on a video blog, but currently the camera isn’t being used, so why not. But now I can’t get the video from the camera onto my computer. Who even knows if the footage is decent, we shot it out by Rafael’s apartment’s pool. His two girls and one of their friends and my dog were coming in and out of the shot the entire time. The only really entertaining part is when I dive towards the camera anytime a kid or the dog comes near it.

We might have to shoot again, this time on a crappy little minidv cam, because at least I know that will work. Meanwhile I’m trying to figure out if this fancy camera is worth holding onto at all or if it might be time to try to sell it and make some of my money back. It’s a great camera, but I just know it’s going to end up sitting here unused while my bank account screams out for replenishment. It’s either the camera or my kidney. But if I went with the kidney then I could use the camera to document that and I’d end up with a hell of a movie...

So in short, I have no video blog to offer you. I’m hoping tomorrow someone smarter than me will tell me how to get the video from the camera to the computer. Or maybe we’ll just have to shoot a third edition of the vlog. You know what they say about the third time its charms...

Sleeping Schedule

2007-06-11T03:49:00.001-07:00

My sleeping schedule is once again officially messed the hell up. It’s 3:49 am right now. I’m awake. And not even sorta tired.

The culprit in the complete destruction of any sleep normalcy is a book titled “The Kite Runner”. Never in my life have so many people recommended a book to me. So I made a point to buy it at one of the many bookstores I visited on my cross-country adventure. (We won’t go into detail about how many books I bought in total on the adventure. Suffice to say that I really shouldn’t be left to roam with an “author’s discount” in bookstores. Sad part is that most of the time I actually bought more books than I sold...oh the joy of book tours.) Anywho, I’ve been reading this book forever, I never have longer than 15 minutes or so to sit down and read it. But this last week I started to get towards the end of the book. The amount of pages left was less than the amount that I’d read. I was in the homestretch.

So I sacrificed my precious sleep in an effort to finish this book. Last night/morning I still had about 50 pages left when I saw the sun come up outside my window. I went ahead and finished it.

Now it’s quarter to 4 in the morning and I’m not even sorta tired. And I don’t have a new book picked out to read. Even the dog is asleep, so I can’t play with him. (He has refused to succumb to my ridiculous sleep patterns. He will be going to bed at 10 pm, thank you very much. Oh, and he’ll be waking up at 7 am, so you better be ready for that too.

As for the book? Totally worth my messed up sleep. I’m sure I’m the only person left on the planet who hadn’t read it, but if you haven’t read it you should check it out. It’s a great story about forgiveness and guilt and blame and friendship. I’m sure it will be a movie at some point, so read the book now and look intelligent later when it comes out on the big screen.

The Kid and The Dog

2007-06-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to be the person who writes about a kid and a dog. I’m sorry. I don’t know when I became that person, but here I am. I think I left hip by the wayside many a year ago.

So first, the kid. The kid had a recital tonight. “The Musical History of Early America” it was called.

When I got the program I was hoping they were talking about early America circa the 1950's or so. That’s the kind of music I’d like to hear. But noooo. They went back a bit farther than that to the constitution and Washington and other boring stuff. Not one Elvis or Frankie Valli song. Damnit.

But I must say, these recitals are getting a little bit better every year. That’s because the kids are able to memorize better things every year. When you start out, in the preschool and the kindergarten, you get a lot of hand clapping and jumping around and the occasional 4 line song. It takes everything in your power to clap for something so unamazing. But as the kids get older they are able to take on bigger and better things. Tonight, for instance, these kids took on the whole history of America. AND they even remembered to add in some clapping for old times sake.

These kids sang for like 45 minutes straight, song after song, after history after clapping. I was somewhat amazed that they could fit all these songs into their heads, who do these teachers think these kids are? U2? How the hell are they supposed to remember all this stuff? But they did.

Except when they didn’t. Which was awesome. They’d all kinda start humming at the same point, then look to each other and hope, hope, hope that at least someone could get them back on track. I realized at that point that the only real hope of these recitals being entertaining to adults is if something goes wrong. Someone falls down, the whole set falls over, the kids start lifting their skirts over their heads and running around in chaos. This is what we are all waiting for. Something to send in to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

But unfortunately nothing that bad usually happens. Do the kids realize that you can win 10 GRAND on Funniest Home Videos? Work with us here.

And now the dog. Another possibility for 10 grand, if only he would sing or talk or bite someone in the balls. But no, all he wants to do is play with rocks that for some reason seems to have heads and legs.

Nola spent a good half hour trying to figure out why that rock was moving and hissing at him. The dog ain’t that bright, but we love him anyways. I fear he might be getting stupider by the day, because every day he does something that causes him to go tumbling down stairs, into a wall, onto his head or something equally as traumatizing to his poor little body. He just kind throws himself places. And usually he doesn’t realize until he is in midair that the place he is throwing himself is going to hurt an awful lot. Today alone he leapt off a porch, ran face first into a wooden step at full running speed, and jumped right into the kneecap of a running kid.

Maybe if I would have brought him to the recital things would have livened up a bit...

Cookies

2007-06-05T00:41:00.001-07:00

I went over to my friends house tonight for dinner. What she made for dinner is unimportant. What is important is the fact that she made snickerdoodle cookies. I love me some snickerdoodle cookies. I have been friends with this girl for twenty some odd years and I think that the fact that she makes the best snickerdoodle cookies EVER is a very large reason that we’ve remained friends. I really can’t get enough of these things. I walked in for dinner, saw the cookies and just started eating them. I don’t think I’ve stopped since. Not only did I ruin my dinner I might have ruined ever meal for the rest of the week. And I’ve definitely ruined the hope of any other cookie ever living up to these cookies.

I was telling Cookie Friend about a horrible, horrible thing that happened while I was out on the road in the middle of god knows where. It must have been in one of the southern states, cause we were in the motorhome. While we were in the motorhome we ate a lot of meals in the motorhome, and we often stocked up on food whenever we stopped. The others bought real food and I bought junk food, because my system really doesn’t know what to do if it doesn’t have a certain amount of crap food on a regular basis.

Yet I digress.

So we are in someplace somewhere and I see a box with the word “Snickerdoodle” written on it. I get very happy and reach for the box. I become even happier when I see that the outside of the box has a picture of cookies that look just like Cookie Friend’s: nice and soft and snicker-tastic. So I buy the box and am so looking forward to scarfing it down as we bounce along the great highways of this land.

But then.

I go to open the box and what do I find? HARD cookies. What the? They were like little Nilla Wafers with a little sugar on them. Is that even legal? To put a picture on the outside of something, very clearly indicating that that is what is to be found in the box, and then instead putting in a completely different product?! What kind of crap is that?

Since that time I’ve been craving snickerdoodles, real snickerdoodles. Which is why I haven’t stopped eating them tonight since I got my little hands on them. I’m not quite sure what effect of 400 cookies will have on my intestines, but I’m sure whatever it is it will totally be worth it.

In other news I thought I’d make a little list of the movies I’ve seen lately, to give you an idea of how little I’ve been doing since I got home. Something about being on that road for so long (without cookies to keep me company) has made me very hesitant to ever leave my couch again.

Blood Diamond
Volver
Goal! The Dream Begins
When the Levees Broke
V for Vendetta
Rocky 85 (I actually tried to watch this two times and it just refused to get interesting, so I turned it off (by the way, what the hell is wrong with Sly Stallone’s face? People need to stop with the face surgery))
The Prestige
The Heart of the Game
Deliver Us From Evil
Who Killed the Electric Car?
Half Nelson
Stranger Than Fiction
Shut Up and Sing
Jarhead
Come Early Morning
Sherrybaby
The US vs. John Lennon
Jesus is Magic
The Last King of Scotland
Freedom Writers
For Your Consideration
Dexter (TV Series) (The entire series) (I need a hobby)
Fracture
Waitress
Shrek 3 (with the 11 year old)

The Dog Has Gender Issues

2007-06-04T01:25:00.000-07:00

It’s June! (Can you friggin’ believe that? Good god time flies when you take off from your life for three months) It’s Dog Picture Time.

This one is a little difficult to photograph. So I had to take two pics.

See! Fido is a June Bride AND Groom. Which means that once again Fido is having some gender issues. And s/he is having trouble finding a mate. Maybe if s/he ever left the porch s/he’d have better luck.

Since I have a real dog now we decided to dress him up as well.

He didn’t enjoy that as much as Fido seems to.

I Really Have Nothing

2007-05-31T03:02:00.000-07:00

So, I’ve got this blog here. Where I’m supposed to ramble on about random things that entertain me or that I think might entertain you. But you see, I’ve got nothing. I’m in a weird funk right now and have absolutely nothing whatsoever to say. It is quite bizarre, as I sorta pride myself on being able to ramble on and on even when I having nothing at all to say. In fact, some might argue that I got an entire book deal out of my rambling abilities.

But I got nothing. I’m trying, I really am. I am trying to make note of anything funny or random that happens during the day, trying to gather blog-worthy stories. But I am just drawing a complete blank. I even got a damn puppy. And he’s not giving me anything. Except the desire to see how far one can throw damn puppies.

I’ve watched roughly 1000 hours of TV, 250 movies and played 30,000 online games. (I believe the latter is an attempt to prove that, although I’m a Soduko idiot, I am capable of winning other games). Work is work, friends are friends, family is family. But none of it is very entertaining. I am working almost exclusively from home now, which might be part of the problem. I don’t see a lot of the outside world. At least not as much as normal people see. What I see a lot of is a peeing dog. That does not a blog make.

So I am reaching out to you dear readers. Give me something to write about. Anything will do. Maybe a question. Maybe a topic. Maybe you just write something for me and I pretend I wrote it. Kay?

Nola

2007-05-25T02:01:00.000-07:00

So. I really like the name Nola. But here’s the thing. When you are training a new dog you tend to use the word “NO!” quite a bit. So then it’s not so good when the dog’s NAME has the word “No” in it. I think it’s confusing. Because in his little pee brain I’m just the lady that says “No” quite a bit. Sometimes nicer than others. Hmmm.

My young cousin has a pomeranian, Joey. Nola and Joey will be spending a lot of time together, so we thought maybe we could come up with a name that goes with Joey. We thought either Ross or Chandler might be cute. I tried out Ross, but I just don’t think he looks like a Ross. So then I tried out Chandler and he actually kinda looks like a Chandler. But I don’t look like someone that actually names her dog after a character in a sitcom. I just can’t. I can’t go from Nola, which is in memory and honor of a fallen city, to Chandler, the guy who has transvestite father. It lacks a little heart, you see.

So we are sticking with Nola and going to see how it goes. Who knows. I don’t actually have the occasion to say the dog’s name very often, so I need to change that habit I think, cause how else is he supposed to learn his name? How exactly do things learn their names? Do I put a nametag on him? Maybe buy him a keychain with his name? I dunno. I do know that a dog who is afraid of stairs has more important problems than identity.

Quiet

2007-05-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve been a bit quiet lately. I don’t know why really. I just don’t have anything worthwhile to say. I seem to be in a bit of a funk. I was hoping to snap myself out of it by now, but it’s not going so well. I’m trying my hardest not to jump right back into a huge project, but I am going a little insane with so much downtime.

So what do normal people do when they are a little bored?

Get a new hobby? Maybe take up jogging?

Hobbies and jogging are overrated, if you ask me. So instead I got this:

Seriously how cute is this dog? So cute.

I’ve been wanting a dog for a few years and the timing was never right. I was traveling too much or not home enough. But I plan on being homebound for awhile and I thought it was a good time to bring a dog into the mix. I’ve been looking for one for a few weeks, keeping my eye out on Craigslist and Petfinder. I found this little guy on Craigslist. Of course. Because pretty much everything good in life can be found on Craigslist, I’m convinced. I’ve gotten jobs, a bike, an agent and now a dog.

I’m not really sure what his name is going to be, I think I’ve decided to go with Nola and name him after my favorite city. I know it’s kinda a girlie name, but I think he can handle it.

So far he is doing pretty well. I took him over to my parents’ house this evening so that they could meet the closest thing they are going to have to a grandkid for a little while. They were not supportive of my getting a dog. Perhaps because of the fact that I’ve never had an animal and can’t really even be counted on to feed myself every day, let alone a dog. My mom said, “I don’t want to see that thing, and don’t think for a second we are going to watch it all the time.”

Cut to tonight: “Oh, no. He’s cuuuuute.” Cut to an hour later: They are both on the floor playing with him. Ha. Suckers.

He came from a house that had a lot of other dogs and a lot of commotion. I’m hoping he doesn’t get too bored here with just me. He seems to be doing alright. Well, except for his unnatural fear of the stairs. I went down the stairs and tried to get him to follow me. That didn’t happen so much. He backed away and barked at the stairs as if he not only was he not going down them but he’d like to warn me not to go either. So I’m having to carry him up and down the stairs when I take him out to pee. And when I take him out to pee? It is without a leash. Cause, he is not too fond of those either. I don’t think he’s ever been walked, so he really has no idea what to do when I put that leash on him. So far he’s REALLY good at the healing. And the sit and stay. Gonna make for some interesting walks.

Anywho, that’s about it for today.

Oh, one last thing. Yesterday I went and signed up for the bone marrow donor registration list. They were running some promotion this month in honor of mother’s day, and it was free to sign up. Usually it costs $50 or so to sign up. I've been meaning to go and the promotion was over yesterday at 4:30. So I pulled up at 4:28 and added myself to the list. Anywho, they do these random donor drives throughout the year and throughout the country. You can get info at http://www.marrow.org/. If there is a drive near you you should go and do it. They just swab the side of your mouth and that’s it, you are in the registry. The odds of being matched are very slim, but they may be just the odds somebody needs to survive. So check it out if you have the chance.

Okay, off to escort the dog down the scary stairs, I hope we make it.

Choice Photos

2007-05-17T01:07:00.000-07:00

I Am Lame

2007-05-15T23:37:00.000-07:00

A couple people requested a picture of the fine gift I gave my mother on Mother’s Day. Shockingly enough, I hadn’t remembered to take a picture of this gift. I think I didn’t really want any proof of such a horrible present.

But here it is.

It really is horrible. I mean, it’s even more horrible than I expected it would be. Can I just tell you people who have kids that maybe perhaps your kids aren’t terrible artists, maybe perhaps the materials they are left to create with are subpar. Cause, I’m not saying that I’m Jackson Pollock here (wrong analogy, frankly, because we are all Jackson Pollock, because we all have the ability to splatter paint on a wall) but I am literally supported financially in this life by my creativity and artistic abilities and this is all I could come up with.

That is sad. So sad, in fact, that I actually painted over the whole thing and started over at one point, because I couldn’t bear how horrible this completely ridiculous joke of a gift was looking. That’s how bad it was.

Now granted, most of my work is done on the computer, and therefore this whole cement thing is a bit of a new medium for me. But still. This looks like a blind 2 year old made it (a blind two year old with abnormally large hands). It wasn’t till after I was done that I realized that I picked Christmas colors. But it was also at that point that I realized I had just spent 30 minutes painting cement. So it came to be at that point that I gave up on this looking even sorta good.

I really feel like I should defend my artistic abilities by posting some of the non-cement work I’ve done over the years.

See, I am able to use artistic things to make things look at least halfway decent.

And another thing.

Since we are talking about my incompetence, I need to admit something here. It has taken me a long time to admit this, but I feel it is finally the moment to own up to my faults.

I can’t Sudoku.

I just can’t. Anything more than the easy Sudoku and I’m out. It’s frustrating in a way that I can’t really explain to you people. I’m really good with numbers and strategy and figuring out how things are done and then getting really good at them. Like cards for instance. Give me a card game and a little time and I’ll get really good at it. See, cause things like cards and puzzles and SUDOKU have things that you need to know, ways to master the game, strategies and shortcuts. And once you figure those things out then you can hone those tricks and skills and get really good.

Except I can’t with Sudoku. I just can’t. A friend of mine had a book of Sodoku puzzles on a trip we took a year ago. During one of our flights I got hooked on trying to figure them out. I knew that my mom is also puzzle-crazy, so I bought her a book and said, “Now, I’m giving you this because I think you’ll like it, but I am warning you, it could become an obsession. Don’t pick it up unless you are ready for the obsession.” She did one of those nose snort/eye roll things that you apparently do 1) when you are a teenager and 2) when your child is grown and you need to continually remind them that they are idiots.

Fast-forward a year. The woman has gone on her computer and made up little blank Sudoku spreadsheets and prints them up in bulk. Because the Sudoku puzzles in the book are too small and she needs a scratch paper to work out the puzzles as she is doing them. I don’t know if I’ve had a conversation in the living room with my mother the past year where I haven’t been looking at the top of her head while she Sudoku’s away during our conversation.

But good thing she didn’t get obsessed. (Insert nose-snort/eye roll.)

The reason the obsession bothers me so much is that I CAN’T DO THE DAMN PUZZLES MYSELF!!!!! I try. I do. My mother even took time the other day with me and tried to explain the keys to Sudoku victory. After each number placed in its blank square she would look at me with hope in her eyes. As if that one number might have triggered something in my brain and brought with it a flood of Sudoku understanding and knowledge. It would break my heart every time when I had to simply bow my head shake it back and forth.

So basically I can’t paint cement and I can’t do simple number puzzles. My mother is probably bowing her own head right now, shaking it back and forth. She doesn’t even need to nose snort/ eye roll on this one to convince me I’m an idiot.

Where did she go wrong?

Mother’s Day on the Cheap

2007-05-14T00:03:00.001-07:00

Last year for Mother’s Day I took my mom and dad up to Reno for the weekend to see Bill Cosby perform. I had just decided to buy a condo and I knew that it might be a few years before I was able to afford to spend any kind of money on Mother’s Day. I was trying to leave her with some decent memories to hold on to once my mortgage started taking all my disposable income (making it considerably less disposable...).

Well then, it turns out my mortgage has got nothing on a 10 week book tour. So currently my bank account is ridiculously, dangerously slim. I knew that my mom knows I’m broke, so I knew she wouldn’t want me spending any money on a Mother’s Day present for her. So I had to get creative. My aunt recommended that I cook her a meal. I recommended that my aunt stop getting high.

Instead of a real gift I decided to go the ridiculous route. Why not really? It’s not my fault the woman only decided to have one kid and therefore only has one hope for a decent gift on Mother’s Day. Let this be a lesson to you people out there who are thinking about only have one child - you’re really taking a very big risk that your one kid will be a horrible gift-giver.

Today that risk backfired on my mom.

I went to the craft store in town yesterday (never one to wait until the last moment) and bought a do-it-yourself stepping stone thing. Do you know what I’m talking about? The things that people get and have their kids put their adorable hands in the cement so they can forever have an imprint of their child’s youth and innocence? Yeah. I got one.

I was going to make her an ashtray, but I couldn’t find any clay. And I’m not really sure if my oven is okay for firing ceramics.

So I opened the package up, read the directions and realized I might be screwed. The directions said I needed a bucket to mix the cement in. I don’t have a bucket. I thought for a second of using the mixing bowls someone gave me. But, to my credit, I decided against that. I think that marks a tremendous level of maturity on my part. Of course, I might be even more mature if I had actually ever used those mixing bowls for anything other than eating popcorn out of. Yet I digress. I went down to the garage to see if I could find anything to mix my Mother’s Day gift in. Miraculously there was a bucket down there. It is not my bucket and I have no idea where it came from, but someone that I let stay with me apparently left a bucket and my mixing bowls owe their life to that person.

I mixed the cement together, which I had just done in New Orleans a couple weeks ago, so I mixed quite well. Then I poured the mix into the little plastic mold thing and let it sit for however long cement needs to sit. Then I put my handprint in and remembered all the awesome gifts I’ve given my mom over the years. This would not be falling in the same category with those gifts. My advice to kids: don’t set yourself up for failure by giving great gifts when you are a kid. Give crappy gifts well into your 20's so that the expectations are low. In fact, that is pretty good advice for all aspects of your life. Keep other people’s expectations very low. Then you are bound to wow them quite a bit.

Anywho. Today I finished off The Best Mother’s Day Gift Ever by adding some lovely paint to the dried stepping stone with my handprint. I painted “I (heart) Mom” and then at the bottom I put “Dawn - Age 29". Ha! God I crack myself up.

Besides that exciting gift we spent the day eating food and watching Thelma and Louise and napping. I have a feeling mom might be looking into adopting some more kids. She obviously can’t count on me to come through for the major gift-giving days anymore.

But, if she’s lucky someday soon she’ll have a whole stepping stone path with my handprints in the backyard. And if that ain’t something to be proud of, I just don’t know what is.

Some Article I Saw

2007-05-11T01:25:00.000-07:00

I saw this headline online today:

Family awakened to find half-naked man in bed with them

So I, of course, investigated further. If you read the article (http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5291980) you will learn some very interesting tidbits about this story. The most interesting has to be the fact that this IS NOT THE FIRST TIME this has happened to this family. Seriously. Can someone explain to me what exactly is going on in the world?

Apparently this grandmother and the grandfather and two grandkids were in bed sleeping. Then the grandmother was woken (awoken? awaken? who knows.) by the granddaughter who was saying that someone was “on her”. Up until that point grandma had no idea that a unknown grown man had just crawled into bed with her. Of course, given the fact that the whole friggin’ family was already in the bed I could see how it would be difficult to distinguish between unknown people getting in the bed and just more relatives joining in for a slumber party.

This slumber party took a bit of a dirty turn when grandma noticed that Unknown Grown Man had his pants around his ankles while laying in the bed. This caused Known Grown Man to chase Unknown Grown Man off with threats of killing him.

The family is understandably a little shaken. CAUSE THIS KEEPS HAPPENING. This dude keeps coming in and getting into bed with these people in the middle of the night. Maybe he’s lonely and sees that this bed is clearly a welcoming one and so he decides to stop in for a moment. I dunno.

What I do know is that there are these knew things called, uh, LOCKS. And uh, SECURITY SYSTEMS. The locks help keep people out of your house, and then the security systems make a really loud noise to let you know if the locks did not work. Or, I guess the whole, “Let’s Wait For Little Susie to Scream Out in Horror and Panic Because There is an Unknown Grown Man Laying on Her” Security Plan is a little more economical than locks and security systems and it seems to be spot on in its ability to identify an intruder.

So carry on random bed family, carry on.

I’m Trying

2007-05-10T02:39:00.000-07:00

I am trying ever so hard to come up with something worth blogging about. As I reported yesterday, my brain has taken a leave of absence. I do so hope it returns shortly. Or not. Being a zombie isn’t all that bad. It’s a lot less stressful that regular life.

Ahhh regular life. I am trying so hard to remember what that is. It’s slow goin’ in that department. So far the television has provided some insight for me. I’ve reconnected with my TV shows, and that is a start. I’ve also reconnected with sushi, which has gone a long way in making me feel like part of my own life once again.

I just don’t really know what I’m supposed to be DOING. I work from home. So I get up and walk down the hall and I do the work that clients require. And it’s not like there isn’t work to be done. There is. And I’m doing it. But see, the thing is, for the past few months I’ve been doing all that work PLUS planning a cross-country trip/book tour/New Orleans volunteer effort. So I’m left with a little bit of a hole where I used to put A WHOLE LOT OF CRAP.

Now I’m trying to figure out what to put in that space formally filled by a whole lot of crap. There are plenty of options. But I feel like I should just breathe for a minute and not jump immediately back into the craziness. But breathing takes a lot of energy and restraint and I’m not so good at being still, as it turns out. I’m very good at being stir crazy though, which is good to know.

My Blackberry broke the other day. I think it’s a sign. Well, I guess it could be a sign that you shouldn’t drop Blackberry’s in the toilet – BUT! I like to instead think of it as a sign that I don’t need a Blackberry anymore. That there is no reason for me to connected to everyone every single second of the day. And also, maybe that I shouldn’t keep my phone in my back pocket...

In book news, there is a little blurb about me in Runner’s World this month:

Do you understand how completely ridiculous it is that there is anything, blurb or otherwise, about ME in Runner’s Friggin World? I mean really. This could be why I feel so out of sorts, there is something off in the world when I’m in Runner’s World magazine. Of course things have been off for awhile, as I was in Women’s Health magazine last month:

You notice that I was also the cover model for both magazines. Ha! I think it would be funny if I was the cover model for these magazines, standing next to their cover models. That would be comedy.

In other magazine news I am once again getting US Weekly in my mailbox every week. This magazine cannot stay away from me. Last year it showed up in my mailbox uninvited for like a year. Then a renewal postcard came warning me that my subscription was about to end. This warning didn’t worry me too much, as I hadn’t subscribed to it. And then last week/month/sometime while I was gone I got another postcard saying that Premiere magazine was being discontinued and the rest of the subscription I’d paid for would come in the form of US Weekly. Seriously? You are replacing Premiere with US Weekly? Please.

Premiere is a movie magazine about actual movies and movie-makers. With actual interview with directors and actors and writers and producers. With actual articles about things that don’t have to do with Britney’s crotch. There’s no other magazine they could think of to replace Premiere? The more I think about it the sadder I get, because that is pretty much how our media goes now. Anything of any substance has been cast aside to make room for more and more insignificant crap. Not that Premiere was National Geographic or anything, but come on, compared to US Weekly Premiere is practically the New Testament. Except with George Clooney on the front. Which is something the New Testament might want to look into - it would help sales a lot.

Okay, I’m done now. I’ve officially spent a lot of time saying nothing at all. So it turns out “Write Ridiculously Pointless Blogs” is on the list of things I can do to fill all my free time now. Any other suggestions?

Some Pictures

2007-05-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

I really have no thoughts at this time. My brain is on strike.

But I do have some pictures. And they are supposed to be worth a lot of words, I've heard.

Peeking Out

2007-05-07T00:13:00.001-07:00

Hello all.

It has been quite some time since I’ve written. My bad.

I got home from my 10 week book tour/New Orleans trip. Since that time I have been doing a lot of bonding with my couch and TV. I’m actually sore today from laying down for so many hours. Sore. That is fantastic.

I don’t really know what to do with myself entirely.

Since December, and probably even before that, I’ve been planning or doing this book tour thing. At the same time I’ve been doing my real job as well, as mortgages are fun things to pay sometimes. I hear. So now I’m done with the planning and the trip. And all that is left is my real work.

There are a lot of hours in the day.

When you don’t have any morning shows to do, or book events to go to, or random groups of people to talk to, or 500 miles to drive, or 25 people to organize in New Orleans, or 25 meals to eat in New Orleans, or ulcers to get.

I’m forcing myself to take a moment to breathe a little, to be okay with the calm for a second at least. My house is quiet. It hasn’t been quiet near me for months. It’s a weird sound to get used to.

There are still a lot more things on the List of Things to Do. So I will not be calm for long. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to process the last 10 weeks. Trying to get some perspective on it now that I’m done. It already feels like something I did once. Not something I did last week.

Here was the last promo that was put together. It’s a lot like the first one, but with a little more added on. Watch till the end, there a little extra after the pr info.

And, because nothing is more important than tradition, here is the Dog de Mayo:

May Flowers and all that. You know, I remember coming up with some funnier ones that these than we’ve seen so far. I wonder what the hell months they are for, cause May Flowers is boring. Next year I think we’ll do all over the top ones that make no sense whatsoever. We’ll make the dog into modern art. Hell, we could probably then sell him for 3 million bucks.

Screw book tours I’m becoming an impressionist artist.

Greetings from NOLA

2007-04-29T23:39:00.001-07:00

Good lord it has been forever since I’ve blogged. My bad. It seems I haven’t thought much about blogging this past week. I usually blog as mainly a way to keep friends and family updated on what I’m doing and where I’m going. But see, many of my friends and family were here with me in New Orleans. So it seemed silly to write a blog when I could just tell them to their face what I’m up to and where I’m going. Chances were they were up and going to the same things.

So we are in New Orleans trying to save the world. And eat as much food as humanly possible. The eating takes a long time, you know. And then there is the digestion and the plotting of the next meal. This too has left little time for blogging. I know you understand.

It’s been great to be back here in New Orleans and to be here with so many of my friends and family who came out to build and play. And eat. It’s been a wonderful way to end these past couple of months and a great way to sorta refuel after the draining effects of doing a book tour for 8 weeks. The book tour already feels like a distant memory and I’m glad to have washed it away with some good stuff here in New Orleans. Good people, good work, good food, great drink specials. And so on.

We are having a lovely time here and I am glad that a bunch of people in my group got to come out and see for themselves what is going on out here. It is nearly impossible to comprehend until you come here and see it with your eyes. A New Orleans resident said to me today, “We don’t have post-traumatic stress, because we are still in the trauma.”

I will be back here again, many times in the years to come. I’ve fallen in love with this city. Even in its weakened state it still has a hell of a lot to offer, and I think its people are probably some of the few in this country that would be able to fight back from this. They’ve got fight these folks. But they need other people to fight for them too. I hope to be one of those people for many years.

We will be here for a few more days, then it will be time to pack my suitcase one more time, get on one more airplane, and go home. My sweet home. With its wonderful couch and big screen TV. It’s waiting for me. I hope it remembers me. I know I remember it. Quite fondly actually.

Here is a video of our experience with a travel guide book:

NOLA

2007-04-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

We have finally made it to New Orleans. My good lord did it take us awhile. Next time, by the way, I think I’ll just head straight to Louisiana. I don’t know if this state is looking especially nice because it is the last one I’ll have to see before I go home, or if I really do love Louisiana. Probably a little of both. There is something unique here. The combination of New Orleans and the area outside of New Orleans. They are two entirely different places, with totally different people. And yet they aren’t that far away from each other. I like both places. I like both people.

We went and saw a play today. It is called Rising Water. I read about it in the paper yesterday and we went and checked it out today. On Sundays the playwright comes to the play and has a Q&A session with the audience after the show is over. This is heaven for me. The creator of art, sitting right there, telling you how and why they created.

It’s a play about the floods, about two people who are waken in the night by rising water in their home. They don’t know where the water is coming from and why it is coming so fast. Katrina has passed, it had missed the city really. Why are they having to sit in their attic to avoid the amount of water that is rising in their house? It’s a great play, only two actors on stage for 2 hours. The dialogue flows and the story is told and you get a teeny tiny glimpse into what it must have been like. To have the levees break. To have your city under water, and to have no idea why.

The Q&A session was more like a dialogue itself. Many of the people in the audience were New Orleans residents. They had their own stories to tell. Mostly they said, “No one in the rest of the country knows what happened here. They just don’t get it.”

And we don’t.

It’s impossible to describe to people what happened here. That is wasn’t Katrina that flooded New Orleans, it was the failed levee system. A system similar to ones in cities throughout the country. And then after the levees failed, everything else failed as well. The stories you hear from people here, they make you wonder why there aren’t riots in the streets. And they make you understand why the suicide rate is 3 times the national average here.

My group of volunteers is going on a tour of the devastated areas on Thursday. It’s a two and a half hour tour. During that time we will not repeat anything. And we will probably still not see all the damage that was done.

The scope.

That is what we in the rest of the country don’t understand. An entire city wiped off the map. That doesn’t seem possible, so we can’t quite grasp it. But it is possible.

The French Quarter is still open for business, tourists still wander the streets, beer and food is still flowing from the bars and restaurants. So everything must be okay, right? Go 5 miles away from the French Quarter and you will see that no, it is not okay. And you will feel very strongly that it is so not okay how not okay this place is a year and a fucking half after the levees broke.

The playwright, John Biguenet, told a story today at the Q&A session. He said that Americans can’t wrap their heads around what has happened here but that the Europeans he’s met seem to understand. Because they’ve had whole cities destroyed before. There was a man from Germany who said that he understood what New Orleans was going through because Germany had been wiped out as well. He then said that New Orleans should take solace in how Germany rebuilt and rose out of its destruction. To this Mr. Biguenet replied, “Yes, but you had the United States helping you rebuild.”

I saw a bumper sticker recently that said, “If you’re not completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

Pay attention.

My Driving Teacher

2007-04-17T22:32:00.000-07:00

Driving Lessons

2007-04-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Sherry let me drive the RV the other day. Lord help me. And everyone else on the freeway. Thank the same lord that there weren’t very many of his people on the freeway, because I was taking up most of the freeway with my driving. I don’t know where anyone else would have fit.

See, the thing is, I’m used to driving a CRV. CRV’s are very tiny. RV’s, towing pickup trucks? Not so tiny. Wow. Talk about nerve-wracking. One would think that Sherry’s nerves might have been a little wracked, but no. A nice afternoon cocktail took care of her nerves. If only I could have had a few cocktails, because my nerves were a wreck.

I got us to our destination without causing harm to us or anyone else. To me that is a job well done. We won’t discuss how many lanes I needed to take up at one time, those details are unimportant. What is important is that people realize that it is not easy to navigate such a large automobile/home and therefore they need to just, “GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY ” Ahem. It’s kinda difficult to brake when you are going 70 in a house on wheels. Make note of that wouldja?

Next time you see a motor home in your rearview mirror, just pull over and let them pass. You never know who might be behind the wheel. And you never know if the only person really qualified to drive the home on wheels is in the back mixing a cocktail.

I’m here to inform.

Here is a video of my driving adventure. It’s like a Driver’s Ed video gone terribly wrong.

Texas

2007-04-12T00:46:00.000-07:00

We’s in Texas ya’ll.

I got my cowboy hat on and I’m ready to rock this state.

We lost two hours getting here.

We haven’t really had to be anywhere at any time the last couple of days so time isn’t all that important. But it’s still a funny thing, “What time is it?” “3, 4 or 5 o’clock, I’m not sure where we are exactly.”

Tomorrow we head to Austin and then to Houston. Then we will vote republican and perhaps buy a gun. Isn’t that what people do here. Hey! Did someone die? The flags are all at half mast. (Is it half mast or half massed? Dunno.) I always hate when I see flags at half mast, because it makes me sad and a little confused. I figure someone must have died, so I should be sad, but I’m not really sure who died, so maybe if I knew I wouldn’t have strong feelings either way. Basically flags at half mast sorta confuse me emotionally, I don’t know how to appropriately react. Hell, maybe they are still at half mast for that Ford guy that died. They were at half mast for weeks after he died. Every time I saw one I thought someone new had died, but no.

And speaking of presidents, I’ve been told that Lady Bird Johnson was big into the beautification of Texas highways. Is this true? Apparently she was all about making the highways pretty. Really? Can this really be true? That a First Lady of the friggin’ United States of America decided to spend her time and energy and influence and power on planting flowers along the highway? EVERY flower we’ve seen along the highway Sherry points at and says, “Lady Bird did that.” What a phenomenal legacy...

Tonight it was all of a sudden 10 o’clock and we hadn’t eaten dinner. We had big dreams of a real dinner that wasn’t eaten in the motor home, but alas our dreams were not quite answered when the only thing open was Sonic. See, the thing with Sonic is that they have really good commercials that really make me want to go to Sonic. But the bastards haven’t actually BUILT a Sonic near me. They just run ads. They did put up a sign near my house like three years ago. It says “Coming Soon”. It is lying. So I have this kinda idealized notion of what Sonic is. I’ve seen the great commercials with great looking burgers and fries and tasty treats aplenty. Yeah. So we went to Sonic tonight and well, they should stick with making commercials because they seem to be pretty good at that and I don’t think they have any hope of their cooking ever being good. Edwin actually said, “Well, the Coke is okay.” God love him and his search for the bright side.

Some Pictures from the Road

2007-04-10T22:38:00.000-07:00

Skywalk, Part 2

2007-04-09T13:30:00.000-07:00

Here’s the thing: The Sky Walk is a rip-off. Tell everyone you know. Tell them to avoid the Sky Walk and go to some other part of the huge, wonderful Grand Canyon.

The Sky Walk costs $25. BUT you can’t just go on the Sky Walk. The Sky Walk is only available as an add-on to another one of the tour packages they have available. The cheapest tour package you can get is $50. So then. You have to add on the Sky Walk for another $25. This brings us up to $75 for the joy of walking on a glass thing that is really beyond lame.

What does the rest of the tour include? Well, a bus ride. That was fun. It was 5 minutes. Then an All You Can Eat Buffett. We have a suggestion, perhaps All You Can Stand Buffett might be a better name. Truth in advertising and all that. Oh and speaking of which, here is the “artist rendering” of the skywalk:

Ooooo, ahhhhh.

Now, I present you, my experience in how the Native Americans intend to screw over the country that did them so wrong. Also, please notice my cute pink hat I have added to my travel ensemble. I bought it at a running store in LA. Quite aerodynamic, yes? Texas is going to LOVE me.

Oh, and the video is pretty long, so I recommend pushing play, then pause and letting it load all the way to the end before you try watching it, it will play better that way. You wouldn't want to miss a moment of this thing.

Sky Walk Sucks

2007-04-09T00:45:00.001-07:00

Do not go to the Sky Walk Glass Thingy at the Grand Canyon. Please. For your sake and for the sake of the Indians on the reservation there. Because, the thing is, if people keep going there and keep getting totally screwed by being made to pay $75 a person to walk on what turns out to be a really lame glass thing that doesn’t really extend that far out over the canyon, well then, bad things are going to start happening to the Native Americans on that reservation. I’m not saying I’m a violent person, but I am saying that if you drive down a bumpy dirt road for 20 miles (after already having gone hours out of your way to come see the wonder) then you are made to pay $75 for the privilege of walking around the Grand Canyon, well, uh, things could get really un-grand real quick. Is all I’m saying.

The thing is ridiculous. It looks absolutely nothing like the artist rendering that lured us to what we believed would be an awesome abundance of nature’s beauty and enormity. But no. All it turned to be was a brilliant display of how people will always try to do something to get more money out of other people, as well as a fantabulous representation of how those people who are made to pay are then treated as though they are inconveniencing the entire Native American population by merely wanting to see some of this promised wonder and beauty.

I have made a lovely video documenting our waste of $200 and several hours of our time. Unfortunately I have very slow internet because we are in the middle of nowhere. So the video is loading at a speed that may make it available for viewing sometime next Fall. Stay tuned for that.

We also went to Vegas this weekend and spent a little time on the strip. We went and saw the Cirque show LOVE, the one that is with all the Beatles songs. Have you guys seen the Cirque shows on Bravo? Where they have all those people performing amazing acrobatic acts as well as overall astounding physical tests? I have. So I keep going to these Cirque shows expecting to see people doing a bunch of awe-inspiring acrobatics. And, somehow, these shows keep forgetting that they are a Cirque show and perhaps should throw in someone balancing on someone else’s head or something. Work with me here.

I did enjoy the Beatles music, and visually the show was amazing. So overall it was a good way to spend a Saturday night. Another good thing about the night was that I won $10 in the casino while we were waiting for the show. I played nickel slots and kept winning random-ass things. I was up to quite a few credits, but I wasn’t really sure how much money those credits translated to, so I just kept playing. Who knows how much I won or lost, or why I won or lost it for that matter. Who understands nickel slots really? You just push the button and wait to see if you won. There are lines everywhere with random ass pictures popping up and animated things making noise and singing songs. Man I love nickel slots. “I won! I got four buoys and a crab cage!”

So that was my weekend. I also did a couple morning shows and a book thing. Nothing too exciting there. I’m sure TONS of people were gathered around the morning show on Easter morning watching me talk about carbo-loading. I probably sold at least 20,000 books....

The Dog for April

2007-04-05T23:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, well, some of these costumes aren’t as entertaining as others. I’ll give you that. But you try to come up with 12 costumes for a ceramic dog (no really, do that, I’ll use them next year.)

Apparently we were going for an “April showers brings May flowers” thing with this. It seems a bit weird to see the dog in a rain outfit, seeing as though it almost feels summer-y here. But I am not the one who invented the saying “April showers” so don’t blame me that it doesn’t really make sense.

In other news I am once again leaving my happy home and taking to the open road tomorrow. I am not so happy to be leaving my home. I ready to be home for good, and I still have another month. Ugh.

The good news about this leg is that it involves this:

A home on wheels! Yay! This thing actually opens out in the middle when it is stopped, which actually makes it about as big as my condo. AND it has two TV’s. Yay home on wheels!

My friend Sherry has agreed to spend the next few weeks on the Dawn Is Trying to Convince You to Buy Her Book Tour. She’s a great sport and a great friend to offer her home on wheels to my dreams on wheels. It’s all very Road Rules of us. Maybe we’ll stop every once and awhile and do a random physical challenge just like they used to do on MTV’s version. Could happen.

See ya on the road kids...

Stuff

2007-04-05T02:23:00.001-07:00

The REI things are going surprisingly well. Fun fact: I can BS for really any length of time, as it turns out. Well, I don’t really think of it as BS-ing, I just think of it as thinking on my feet. I’ve just gone in there the past couple of nights, taken a seat and started talking about marathon training. I mean really. I wrote 200 friggin pages about it, the least I can do it rambling on about it for an hour or so. The only problem seems to be that I don’t have much of a set outline of what I’m going to say, so tonight I kept hesitating on things, because I didn’t know if I had already said those things tonight, or was that last night? Geez, this is probably why people write things down and formulate thoughts before they give seminars on running. Maybe I’ll formulate thoughts on the next book tour. Or maybe I’ll formulate thoughts before the book tour and as a result will decide not to actually go on a book tour.

Lot’s of stuff has happened between blogs, and since I’m not blogging as often as usual I feel like some stuff is going unreported here in the blogworld. For that I am ever so sorry. For instance, it’s April something or other now and we still don’t have an updated picture of my mom’s ceramic dog. Things are falling apart here. You know, one of my friends suggested that I make a myspace page for the dog. I think I just might. His pictures are much better than half of the people on myspace. And he’s wearing more clothes in his pictures. (The dog, not my friend)

Last night on my way back from Seminar de Dawn I had to stop at YET ANOTHER TOLL BOOTH. Seriously. I am beginning to harbor a resentment towards tollbooths that is bordering on homicidal. Last night I came very close to hopping that border. It’s late at night. I have no cash. I see a sign saying there is a tollbooth coming up. There is no sign for an exit where I might be able to go get money. I get to the tollbooth. I have no money I say, can you send me a bill or something? The man says that the bill will be $29 if I can’t pay. This is when I started taking very big steps towards the border. I said maybe I had the $4 (and by the way - $4 for a FRIGGIN’ TOLL?!!!! Please someone do the math on how much @##%^&#$!@#$!#$ money these tollbooths are bringing in. Perhaps maybe we could set up a tollbooth to help fund things like education and health care for the poor, instead of just potholes.) in change, could I just pull to the side so the other people could go while I counted my change? He said no, the people would have to wait. I did not have $4 in change, so he took down my license number and will be sending me a bill that charges me over 900% interest because I am one of the millions of people in this country who operate almost exclusively on plastic, not cash. Do you think I could have sued the tollbooth company if I was attacked and mugged while going to get cash in the middle of the night in order to pay their ridiculous toll? Ooooooooooohhhhhh, I am not a happy driver. I will be sending this ticket back with a very strongly worded letter and a $5 bill. I am willing to pay 25% interest. That to me seems fair. If you can consider paying to driving a FREEway fair to begin with.

In other news I made a short video of two videos from Southern California. The first is a little sushi place in San Diego. It’s got flat screens all over the place, playing the most random stuff. The second was a huge bomb-looking fire in Hollywood. Big stuff, captured on film for you...

Things

2007-04-03T03:48:00.001-07:00

It has been ever so long since I’ve written. My bad. Turns out the whole sick/traveling/book crap/still doing real work stuff combines to leave very little time for things like real thoughts and/or blogging. I am ever so sorry that you have not had up-to-the-minute blogs from Camp Dawn. I’ll do my best to keep that from happening again. We’ll see how it goes.

I am once again back home. And I am once again very happy about that. Let’s not get into the scheduling genius that keeps leading me back home, shall we? I fear it may lead to discussions of other very intelligent people and things that have marked this little tour of mine. Instead lets focus on some other things.

One thing is that my Blackberry just randomly decided to change times on Sunday morning, springing forward and all that. My modern, technologically advance little Blackberry. Didn’t get the memo that we already sprung forward a few weeks ago. This left me up an hour early on Sunday. An hour earlier than the ridiculous 5 a.m. time I was supposed to be up for a 5k thing I was going to.

I’m running around my cousin’s house getting ready, when she looks up from her bed and says, “What time are we supposed to leave?” I say, “Now!” She says, “It’s 4:30.". I say, “No, it’s 5:30." She says, “No my clock says it’s 4:30.” Me, “Mine says it’s 5:30." Her, “Your clock is high.” Me, “Maybe your clock is high.” Her “gets out of bed and goes to find tie-breaking clock in the living room, points to it” “That is the clock from the cable company, it’s right, yours is high, I’m going back to bed.”

Funny thing is, at 4 or 5 a.m. it is just basically “early as hell” a.m. - so that one hour didn’t make a lot of difference.

Last night I flew home and got home at about midnight-ish. I’d been up (minus a nap) since about 4. But when I saw my TV is was hit with my 8th wind. I was up till 5 catching up on my shows. Man do I love TV.

Another thing: Tomorrow. And then Wednesday and Thursday as well. Could be very interesting. I am to speak at three REI’s. Do they have REI’s everywhere? They are like outdoorsy stores. Not in like a fish and game sort of way, but more in a climb a mountain, sleep under the stars sort of way. I guess. So I am to speak at these stores. I am to inform people how to train for their first marathon. Cause you know, I wrote a sarcastic book about running. Hmmm. This has the potential to go very poorly. Very quickly. Well, actually, very longly. Cause this talking? It’s supposed to take awhile. Marathons are 26 miles, so I guess they require a lot of time to talk about them. Oy.

The REI Lady said to me, “You will start at 7pm, we’d really like for you to wrap it up by 8:30, so you have time to sign books.” Riiiighty-o. Do you know that an hour an a half is the average length of most movies? Feature length films? The ones that take years to write and produce and edit and present? Those very ones. And I’m supposed to stand up in front of people and talk or whatever for the equivalent of a whole movie? How the? What the? Oh! Maybe I’ll just PLAY a movie! That is a brilliant idea. Quick, what’s a good running movie? Chariots of Fire, right? I’ll put the song on a loop while I talk. There were also those two about that Prefontane (sp?) guy. He dies at the end of both though, so I don’t know if that is the best message to send to people. But then again, the movies are dramas, so they are probably 2 hours long, he is probably just in the height of his second act glory at an hour and a half, so that might work.

You know what is really funny in a not so funny sort of way? I really have no idea what I’m going to talk about for an hour an a half. Let’s hope they have a lot of questions. And perhaps a VCR.

Not So Cured

2007-03-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

Shocker of shockers, Mountain Dew and popcorn didn’t quite cure me. I have been in bed all day yet again. Yet again rising for only food and some dessert. I can’t imagine why I don’t feel well.

I think my body is rebelling, I think it very much wants to be on my couch back home watching TV and eating Chinese take-out. It has humored me for this long and now it is just about done with this silly touring thing. It is expressing its disapproval in the form of body aches and exhaustion.

My head is clogged up and I can’t breathe or hear that well. I’m thinking that tomorrow’s morning show appearance is going to be simply fabulous. Don’t miss it if you are in San Diego. I may just stare blankly into the camera for my entire three minute segment. Could happen.

Funny thing, not a lot to report about today, as most of it was spent sleeping.

BUT I do have a video from a bathroom I visited here in San Diego. Well, I didn’t JUST visit the bathroom, I was actually in the restaurant and then I went into the bathroom. And then I went in again with my camera, because it was something that I knew you guys would want to see. Yes, I know I have a problem that needs to be addressed when it comes to cameras and bathrooms. But really, it can take a number in the Problems That Need to Be Addressed line. It’s a very long line.

Cured

2007-03-27T00:45:00.001-07:00

Today is the 10 year anniversary of the Heaven’s Gate mass suicide thing. How do I know that? Because that is the Depressing Story of the Day that I had the joy of following this morning on San Diego morning television. Well, to be honest, I actually followed the story about how panda poop can be made into paper. Or something. And that’s not depressing so much as disgusting, so I guess that is a step in some direction for my television appearances.

Things are going okay here. I have been hit with a cold or flu of some sort, I’m not sure what sort. But it seems to be the sort that involves no energy and the desire to sleep 23 hours a day. (The other hour I enjoy eating something) I am feeling a little better now. This could have to do with several of my rock solid healing techniques.

1) The sleeping I mentioned earlier. Now, granted, I did only get a few hours sleep before I had to go inspire San Diego on morning TV, but the great thing about morning TV is that you can go, inspire and then be back in bed by like 8 am. I barely even had a chance to wake up and I was back in bed. And in that bed I remained for quite a many hours.

2) I woke up just long enough to eat some food and drink some Mountain Dew. I haven’t been feeling well so I’ve been drinking water instead of Mountain Dew. This was giving me a bitch of a caffeine headache and I think was contributing to my overall crappy feeling.

3) Then I woke up again and went and saw a movie. I felt like crap and probably should have stayed in bed, and probably infected the entire theater, but damnit if movies don’t make me feel better. These are the things I need in life: Movies and TV, at regular intervals. Without them I get weak and achy.

So then, I feel better and plan on maintaining this health with even more sleeping tomorrow. And perhaps a gallon of Nyquil before I go to bed.

I believe my book tour is about half over now. And I believe that I am very ready for it to be all the way over. Two months is too long to be away from your life, I’ve decided. And being away from your life doesn’t pay well, so it would be nice to return to my life and to the positive cash flow it offers. The little things in this life. These are what make me happy.

That and movie popcorn.

Oh My.

2007-03-23T00:34:00.001-07:00

It has been ever so long since I wrote. Since Sunday it would seem. Not that days really mean anything to me. I tend to just look about two days ahead on my schedule at a time. I know where I am supposed to be in two days. I don’t particularly care what actual days of the week those are. Monday, Thursday, Sunday. All the same.

This week has been nice. Why? Because I got to come home. The good lord set me free from the frozen parts of this country and dropped me in California via a plane. How I love California. And planes for that matter. They go a little quicker than cars, it turns out. It took me two weeks to get to Minnesota. And 4 hours to get home. Did I mention I love planes?

One thing that planes are lacking in slightly is cargo space. It turns out that a lot of stuff fits in an SUV. A lot. And it is then quite difficult to check all that stuff onto a plane. Who woulda thought? We spent several hours and a trip to luggage section of Goodwill (suitcases for a $5!! Really pretty ones too!!) trying to figure out a way to get the SUV back to California on a plane. We ended up each having three bags and two carry-ons. We were fully ready to pay an arm and a leg, but for some reason the kind Baggage Checker Guy let it slide and didn’t charge us anything. God bless you Baggage Checker Guy.

Then we made it home. Well, to San Francisco. Which isn’t so much home. It is still a couple hours away from home. And that is not including the HOUR AND A HALF IT TOOK ME TO RENT A DAMN CAR. Let’s not get into that, because I fear my head may explode if I have to revisit exactly how close I was to killing someone at 1 a.m. in the Thrifty Car Rental place. It was not the best example of my patience.

But at least when it was all done I was in my very own bed. !!! Halle-friggin-lujah.

My bed, and my house and my TV are all very significant reasons why there hasn’t been a blog in quite sometime. I missed my home so much. I need to spend some quality time with it while I have the chance. My DVR alone requires hours of my attention. Do you know that I haven’t watched TV in like a month? Do you know that that is probably the first month in my entire life that I’ve gone without watching TV? Do you know that it’s not healthy for me to go without TV? I can’t tell you how happy I am to have reconnected with my TV and bed and couch. They missed me so and have welcomed me home with open arms and taped shows aplenty.

Tomorrow is my second of two free days, then I’m off for another month on the road. Who the hell do I think I am? The Rolling Stones? And who the hell do the Rolling Stones think they are? 22 years old? I can’t believe those guys are still touring. It’s exhausting going from town to town and not being able to just relax in your own house. I can’t imagine people who do it all year. But then again I might be able to better imagine it if I were making a million bucks a night. That might trigger the imagination a bit...

A Short Film of Triumph

2007-03-18T23:39:00.000-07:00

A short film about my harrowing cell phone tale from last week...

Triumph Over Evil

Tired

2007-03-15T23:56:00.001-07:00

I’m tired.

I don’t have much to blog about today. And the things I can think of to blog about are going to take more effort than I really have to devote to blogging right now.

I will say that it is colder than a witch’s tit here. I was on TV today and while I was waiting to be on TV the TV had the time and temperature on the screen. It was noon. It as 37 degrees. What the hell is the sun even doing in Chicago? Why no warming?

One fun thing about being in a cold climate is that people figure out interesting ways to pass the time while they are forced to be inside. Hence a thing called Cornhole.

My friend plays this Cornhole game in a league and she was so kind as to allow me to attend this league last night. It’s like horseshoes, but with bean bags and a wooden thing with a hole cut in it. So I guess it’s not like horseshoes at all really. Other than you stand far away from the wooden thing with the hole and you throw a bean bag toward the wooden thing with the hole. If you get the bean bag in the hole you get 3 points, if you get it just on the wooden thing you get 1 point. Unless the other team does the same thing, then you get no points.

Here is an example of the proper form.

It basically takes place in a bar and the team my friend was playing was named, “Here for the Drink Specials.” So you kinda get the gist of the league. But it was fun and just random enough to be completely entertaining. It is also difficult enough that many, many of the people playing really don’t think that it is entertaining so much as it is very very serious and really quite important. You know how people can get when you involved throwing things.

In other news, I made a random compilation video of a couple of our stops. My good lord do I have a lot of video with which to make random videos. Maybe someday, when I return from my rise to fame, I will edit them all together for you. That will be quite an exciting day indeed.

Bad Boys, Bad Boys

2007-03-15T01:37:00.001-07:00

Very dramatic things happening in Chicago. Well, a suburb of Chicago.

After a fun night with friends in Chicago we headed to this suburb and checked into our hotel.

It was about midnight.

I paid the nice lady at the front desk.

We then proceeded to unload the entire tuck full of crap that we are hauling across this great nation of ours.

It’s a lot of crap.

This took awhile.

It also took a luggage cart.

When I was returning the luggage cart I ran into some guys who were locked out of their room. One of them rode down in the elevator with me. We struck up a conversation. He seemed nice. His buddy was at the front desk when I returned the cart.

When I returned to my room I realized I didn’t have my phone.

The $500 Blackberry.

I figured I left it in the car.

I told Edwin to call the phone, while I laid on top of all the crap, to feel if any of it vibrated with the phone call.

No luck.

But.

Someone picked up the phone.

There were voices.

They didn’t realize they were being heard.

We went down to the lobby, as that is where I had to have left the phone. Edwin kept the phone call going, the people on the other end not realizing they were on a phone call.

We asked the lady at the front desk if she’d seen a phone.

She said there was a phone for local calls right there that I could use.

She was confused.

Edwin is pacing around, his phone to his ear listening to the conversation of the phone stealers, trying to find them.

I see the guy from the elevator, ask him if they saw a Blackberry when they checked in. He says no.

I ask the lady at the front desk if anyone besides those guys had checked in at the front desk since I was there, she says no.

The guys come downstairs, they are still unable to get in their room. I ask one of them if they have seen a phone. The man won’t look me in the eye, points to his friend. His friend just shrugs and says no.

These men are lying.

Edwin says that they are the voices he heard on the other end of the phone.

Edwin is not happy.

I go back upstairs, call my phone company, cancel my phone. I have insurance on the phone, so I find out how to get a new phone.

In order to get a new phone I am going to need to call a number and give them numbers and details and other crap, and then they will SEND me a phone.

Cause, you know, I’m not like on the road traveling every day or anything. Totally convenient to send me a phone.

But fine. Okay.

Oh, and they are going to need a police report. FOR A STOLEN PHONE.

Cause, you know, cops have nothing better to do than file police reports for stolen cell phones. People aren’t being killed and raped everyday or anything, so there is plenty of time to follow up on the cell phone criminals.

So I have to call the #!&@#$ cops. Which I do not want to. I do not want these cell phone stealers to know that I called the cops on them. Because if they are the kind of people who will steal a friggin’ cell phone, they are the kind of people that will mess with people who call the cops on people who steal cell phones.

But I have to call the cops. So my cell phone insurance will give me a new phone. In 2-3 working days.

So we call the cops.

AND THEY ACTUALLY SEND A POLICE OFFICER OUT HERE.

Cause, you know, cops have nothing better to do than file police reports for stolen cell phones. People aren’t being killed and raped everyday or anything, so there is plenty of time to follow up on the cell phone criminals.

Crap.

So I go back down where the guys are staying. To tell them that I had to call the cops so that I can file a report, so that I can get my phone replaced. And I don’t want to get them in trouble, I just want to get my phone. But as I’m knocking on their door the cop steps off the elevator. I turn to him and say, “I don’t want to do anything, I just want a police report so I can get a new phone.”

The cop asks if I know who took the phone. I say that I might, but I’m not sure. The cop asks if perhaps the person is in the room that I was just knocking on. I say I don’t know.

I really want the cop to go away. As we are now standing outside the door of the people who are stupid enough to steal a cell phone and are probably stupid enough to mess with people who call cops on people who steal cell phones. I explain that I have to stay at this hotel and I don’t want any trouble. I just ask for a report number and his badge so I can get my new phone.

About this time the dude answers the knock from about 5 minutes prior. Sticks his head out into the hallway, “Did someone knock, it sounded like a tap on the window.”

Did I mention that the whole hallway reeked of weed?

Yeah, it did.

So now the dudes have seen me filling out a report with the cops. So the gig is up. The bad guys are going to seek their revenge anyways. Edwin and I look at each other. As we know that we are done anyways, “So what if we might know where it is?”

The popo says that all he can do is ask them if they might have it. He says to give him a few minutes and he’ll let us know. He also has to see what the front desk lady wants to do about the weed that he smells.

We go back up to the room and look out the window.

There is another cop car now.

This suburb of Chicago? Not much crime going on on Wednesday night, so it would seem.

A few minutes later the front desk calls, “We have your phone.”

Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do?

We go down to my phone and to the cops and they say that they simply went and asked the guys if they had the phone. The guys said no. So the friendly cop said that he was just going to go down to the front desk and replay the security tape they have there, to see what happened to the phone.

The cop went downstairs and wouldn’t ya know, a guy came down a few minutes later with the phone, explaining it was all a mix-up, they have lots of phones like this very one and oopsie, they took mine by mistake.

And then we all had a big laugh and a hug.

The end.

Nebraska

2007-03-14T00:16:00.001-07:00

Nebraska smells. Really bad.

Nebraska is also, according to its State Sign, the Home of Arbor Day. I had no idea that a state could claim ownership of a whole day. But apparently Nebraska has. And quite honestly, given the fact that they have to live with that smell all the time, I’m willing to give them Arbor Day. They deserve that much. I might even be willing to throw in Flag Day. It smells that bad.

We are on the road. There is very little to blog about when you spend your entire days in a car. Especially when you are passing through the middle of this country in said car. Just not a lot going on to report back to you.

I am heading to Chicago. I’m sure there are things happening there that I can tell you about in a couple days. For instance, I have a TV segment there in which I have been instructed to be “serious” not “funny”. Apparently it is for some “serious”-type segment about health or something. I wonder how I will do with being “serious”. I have a feeling it will not go so well. It is not in my nature. Sarcasm is a disease. There is nothing I can do about it. It strikes in unknowing, uncontrollable ways. Kinda like tourette’s. You understand my plight. We’ll see how it goes.

We were staying with a cousin of Edwin’s in Colorado. Cousin’s Wife was about 8.7 months pregnant when we arrived. She was scheduled for a C-section next week. That schedule took a bit of a turn last night at about 2 a.m. when she went into labor. So happy birthday to the new baby! If there are any other pregnant women who are nearing their due date and want to speed things up, let me know, we’ll stop on by. It seems that my presence is enough to scare a baby right out into the world.

We have now made it to Des Moines. We will be here for 10 hours or so then head out again, on our way to Oprah’s house in Chicago. I hope she’s made the proper arrangements for my arrival. I don’t know if her compound is quite ready for the amount of paparazzi that follow me everywhere...

Colorado Not-So-Free-ways

2007-03-13T00:42:00.001-07:00

Other states are interesting. And by interesting I mean weird.

There is this “freeway” here. It is called a “toll” road. Which always strikes me as odd. Why am I paying to be driving on a friggin’ freeway? But okay. Once in awhile I am forced to stop and throw money at a person wearing latex gloves. It’s one of the things I’ve accepted as completely ridiculous, but also completely unavoidable. I try not to let it bother me.

Until. Colorado.

There is a freeway here. We came in on this freeway the other night. And by the time we came off the freeway we were broke. Seriously. This freeway has a toll booth like every 5 miles. What the? At first I thought it was cute. There is a little sign that says “Cash ½ mile.” I thought it was hilarious. Cause that’s all it says, “Cash ½ mile.” Woo Hoo! Cash in a half a mile!! Unfortunately I found that the cash was mine, and it was to be handed over to the people in the tollbooth.

I missed the first Cash sign and I was bummed because I really wanted to get a picture of it. So I was kinda excited when the next Cash sign came up. Sweet! I can take a picture and document this way funny sign! And then the next Cash sign came up another 5 miles down the road. And another. And then they started losing their cuteness. What the hell?! Why with the $2 every 5 feet? Is there gold lining the highways of Colorado? And! And! THEN you have to pay EXACT change of 75 cents to get OFF THE FRIGGIN’ freeway. There is a little thing that you have to throw the money in as you are exiting.

@#$^&*#$%^%@!!

Colorado has taken all my cash. I am not feeling Rocky Mountain High at all.

Videos

2007-03-11T23:58:00.001-07:00

I'm too lazy to type.

So I give you video instead.

First, this is the funniest video EVER. Please note the slow-motion running. TOTALLY natural.

And here is a highlight reel of what we've done so far.

I am very famous. Oprah, take note.

Bored Blogging

2007-03-10T20:03:00.000-08:00

I am driving in colorado.

I was previously driving in wyoming.

Before that, Utah.

Today has been just miles of fun.

So I have taken to blogging while I drive. Safe? Yeah probably not so much. But I have been going straight for hundreds of miles, so me thinks there aren't any major swerves coming up.

We are headed to Boulder. It is supposed to be nice there. Honestly, anything will be nice compared to Salt Lake. My lord I did not like it there. I think they designed the streets and freeways to either try to keep people out or to trap them in.

I'm thankful to have made it out. The city of salt and U-turns.

This is more than a little difficult, the blogging with one finger, so I shall go now.

Endless miles and tumbleweeds to you all...