Things

There are things happening here. And some things that aren’t happening. I will share both.

First what is not happening. My DSL is not happening. The power went out last night for about 1 millisecond and somehow managed to muck up the DSL. This isn’t a terrible thing because I am stealing DSL from some unknown nearby source. I enjoy wireless. But the signal I am stealing is moody at best and I need my DSL to be reliable. I’m falling behind on my blog reading, which is just unacceptable - I can’t miss a day of Go Fug Yourself, it’s not healthy. Also pretty much all of my work relies on e-mailing huge ass files back and forth for pretty-fying, but this is insignificant in comparison to my blogs.

And even though all of my life is dependent on DSL I can’t bring myself to call the AT&T helpline. I just can’t. Not yet. I have to mentally prepare myself for it. I swear every call to their helpline takes at least 10 years off my life. Maybe 15. Not to mention the irreversible damage it must be doing to my vocal cords. Cause I tend to scream a little every time I call.

AT&T has the single most annoying automated phone thing. It’s one of those voice activated ones that is “sorry” when she doesn’t “get” what you said. The fact that she sounds genuinely sorry just makes me more pissed off. LET ME TALK TO A HUMAN FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST. After 10 minutes of going around in circles with Automated Annie I inevitably end up screaming, “OPERATOR! OPERATOR! OPERATOR! OPERATOR! #@!$#$&@#$%q@#$!$%#$%@#$%#$!!!” She usually says, “Hmmm, I didn’t get that, let’s try again.” She never understands my cursing. Bitch.

So I have to call. But when do I call? Do I call during the day, when there is a longer wait time, or do I call at night when the wait time is shorter, but I am talking to someone in Bangladesh whose lack of speaking abilities does not combine well with my lack of hearing abilities. I don’t know. All I know is that I can only steal internet in my dining room, it doesn’t come in anywhere else. I think the wireless if feeding off the unique combination of chips and salsa, cookies, books and the Shit Bitch Bear I have on the dining room table.

Another interesting thing that is happening - I’m waking up in the morning. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but I tend to have kinda weird hours. Very rarely do those hours involve daylight AM hours. But ever since I moved into this new place I’ve been waking up earlier and tackling the day. Well, I’ve been at least tapping the day on the shoulder.

My new early rise times come as a result of my bright ass bedroom. You know when you are camping and you wake up early because the damn sun is blaring in on your tent? My room is kinda like that. Except without smores and raccoons. I am deaf as all else when I sleep, so noise never wakes me up, but I’m very sensitive to light and even someone turning on a hall light will wake me up. So when the damn sun has come streaming in my bedroom these past few weeks I simply wake up and for some odd reason am ready to rise. I dunno. I wonder if it will stick. If this house can change my hatred of mornings it might just be worth the mortgage payment...

Of course as you can see, I’m not exactly going to bed any earlier. So who knows what this is all going add up to. Me thinks it’s adding up to less sleep for me. And me thinks that is unacceptable. Less sleep? “Hmmm. I didn’t get that, let’s try again.”

Random Crap

My mother brought me this thing the other day. Well to be honest, she brought me this thing and like 500 other things. All quite useless things, if you ask me, but she seemed to think they were adorable. Well, she at least thought that this particular thing was adorable. She said, “It’s your artwork from elementary school, it’s where it all began.”

And as you can plainly see there were signs even then that someday I would be paid good money to lay things out on paper. I mean, look at the use of yarn. It’s risky yet practical. And that tree. That looks a little like a cotton swab. And if you look at the house I think it clearly foretells my future work with Habitat for Humanity. Because obviously I had a keen eye for architecture, even then.

I put one of the brochures I designed next to the elementary artwork, to show you how far I’ve come in the last 20 years or so. I’m a little disappointed that I’m no longer able to use yarn.

Along with this priceless artwork my mother brought me over a box full of what can only be described as crap.
“I cleaned out the closets and thought you may want this stuff.”
“Mom, next time you are thinking of bring me over three sombreros, four pairs of Keds and my dyed shoes from my freshman homecoming dance, just go ahead and throw them out yourself.”
“Your garbage is bigger than mine. Sombreros take up a lot of room. Also, those are perfectly good shoes, that don’t look like they’ve even been worn.”
“Well, there is a very good reason for that. They are Keds, and people stopped wearing them in 1993.”

Ole.

Walking

I walk very slow. The ducks are running circles around me.

The only good thing about regular walking? I took two children to an amusement park yesterday and had a hell of a lot more stamina than they did. I was the one with the money and the keys to the car, so they had to keep up with me. This wore them down. And that is the entire goal of going to an amusement park with children.

So walking isn't all bad.

You know what is kinda bad though? Rollercoasters when you are still popping pain pills for your jacked up neck. But man are they fun. (The rollercoasters and the pills)

You know what is not that much fun though? Draw bridges. Seriously, what century are we in when I am stopped on a friggin highway because a draw bridge is being drawed, or whatever, because boat has to pass? I was just going to take my horse and buggy off the beaten path and not wait in the silly line, but then I remembered that it's the year 2006 and I am driving a CAR and yet still waiting for a friggin' BOAT to pass under a draw bridge. This seems ridiculous to me.

I might not get out of the city much.

But given my car's tendency to go spinning across the freeway I tend to shy away from two lane highways. That and two lane highways involve stopped traffic for 10 minutes because of boats. The countryside is over-rated.

Mail

Does my mortgage company know something I don’t? Literally like every day I get a letter in the mail telling me all about mortgage insurance and that I NEED it RIGHT NOW, in case I DIE. And I’m not exaggerating the caps here:

Do I really need the word “die” in all caps to fully understand the enormity of the word? “Well, I was thinking that the whole dying thing was really not that big of a deal, but then I saw that my mortgage company put it in bold caps and I realized perhaps I should be taking it a little more seriously.” Whatever. Why are they sending me these things every damn day? Do they think that increases my chances of actually calling them? Do they realize that even if I was thinking about calling them that after letter number 3 they lost any hope of me ever calling?

Another thing that is coming in my mailbox everyday? Pleas for me to save the world with my checkbook. See, I tend to donate money to random things when I am so inspired or see a very special episode of Oprah or something. Somehow in donating this money I landed myself on the Bleeding Hearts Mailing List. Wow. It’s a fun list. Doesn’t make you want to kill yourself because the world is such crap and in need of roughly 400 billion charities to try to save it.

I get letters from all the major illnesses, many sad children and the occasional celebrity speaking on behalf of the illnesses or sad children. I do not open these letters because I am a homeowner now and they weren’t exactly off-base by putting me on a Bleeding Hearts Mailing List. If I were to open all of these pleas for my money, along with their horrific, yet inspiring pictures, I would be completely broke by next week sometime. But on the upside I would have some very lovely pens and t-shirts to commemorate my spending spree. So not all would be lost.

Feng Shui

I read somewhere that putting your purse on the floor is bad feng shui. I’m not sure where I read it, but I’m sure that I never forgot it. It has something to do with the money being sucked out of the bottom of your purse, or something. Who understands feng shui and all its corners that stab people and what not. I don’t know that I believe in feng shui, but I do know that I believe that I’m superstitious as all hell and haven’t put my purse on the floor since I read the article. And if I ever see someone else’s purse on the floor I immediately elevate it. Which, by the way, leads to some questioning looks from other people, who think that possibly I am stealing their purse right in front of them. But then I explain that, no, it’s just bad feng shui to put your purse on the ground because the ground sucks the money out. And then the looks get more questioning.

But for as silly as it sounds I have to say that since I’ve elevated the purse I’ve also increased my income. So there you go. But then again, I’ve also increased my workload. Which I resent. I wish someone would write a feng shui article on where to put my purse in order for it to receive unearned money. Please let me know if you see that article.

It’s a funny thing doing freelance work. Sometimes you can have literally 10 projects going on at one time and then sometimes weeks and months go by and no one wants anything made pretty. The world is ugly during those weeks apparently. Or it’s very busy taking in all the pretty I made in the previous weeks. Who knows. But I really think that my freelance clients all talk to each other and decide at the very same time to call with jobs. “Hey, I was thinking of sending Dawn a huge project, wanted to make sure you were on board with some work as well.” “Yes, we’ve got 5 pamphlets that need to be designed by tomorrow.” “Great, that’s perfect timing.”

So this week has been one of those weeks. Not that I mind. I’m a homeowner, I can use all the work I can get. But it’s a weird thing, when you go weeks with no calls and then all of a sudden you get three calls a day. Plus election season is starting to gear up, so I’m about to be buried in political mail for the next two months. It’s going to be an exciting time. Try to prepare yourself for the entertaining blogs that will come when all I do for two straight months is sit in front of my computer (and occasionally take a break to pay my mortgage).

But then you know what I’m doing after those two crazy months? Taking off to save the world again. Yes I am. I enjoy saving the world. It is good times. Although it doesn’t pay that well, I actually pay it, which is another reason I will be working my ass off for the next couple months.

Speaking of saving the world, we are going back to New Orleans for a week at the beginning of November. Then we are going down to Guatemala for 10 days of Spanish classes, volunteering and culture. If you or anyone you know is interested in going we are always looking for more people, the only requirement is that you are laid back and have a good sense of humor. Manual labor and close living conditions require that much. I’m organizing the trip myself so it won’t be very expensive. E-mail me for more details.

Or if you have any work you need me to do.

Oh, and go pick your purse up off the floor.

The Park

Good News: I’ve been walking a lot.
Bad News: A lot of that has been at a park downtown.
Why this is Bad News: Because there is a Chinese food restaurant right next to that park that pumps it chow mein goodness out into the air and lures me into calling in a Chinese food order while walking around the park.

Good News: Walking isn’t as boring as I first thought. This is because it involves a lot of talking and gossiping about people.
Bad News: Moving at a “conversational pace” makes our average mile time roughly 45 minutes or something equally ridiculous.

Good News: When you are moving at such a slow pace you are given plenty of time to take in the surroundings.
Better News: The park we are walking at has a lot to take in.
Example of the Better News: In one day we saw a group of roughly 10 jugglers, 5 unicyclers and a lady with a pet rat. (Who apparently takes the pet rat jogging with her.)

This is what I love about parks in downtown-like areas. You get a nice mix of the crazy and the cute. Sure, we’ve got the adorable kids and dogs and couples picnic-ing. But then you also have the whinos and the people talking to themselves and the people who are talking to and petting their pet rat. At least I think it was a pet. Awesome.

Two Movies

I saw a couple of movies this weekend. Well, I actually saw a few movies this weekend, but one of them was World Trade Center, and I don’t really have an opinion on that one either way, so I’m just going to tell you about two of them. I’m sure you’ve heard of them already, but I will tell you again, because they were fun and I think you may like them. Or not. Whatever.

The first one is called Descent. If you like scary movies you have to check out this movie. Ignore the horrible marketing for the film and go see it, it will scare the bejeezes out of you. It’s about a bunch chicks who descend down into these caves and bad things happen. Very bad things. But it’s a good movie and I recommend going with someone so that you can grab onto that person at various time throughout the film while you are simultaneously screaming and cursing. It’s awesome.

What I don’t like about this movie is the friggin’ marketing department behind it. Here is the poster for the movie:

Yeah. I saw this awhile back and immediate thought that it wasn’t going to be anything other than a C horror film like all those crappy horror films that have come and gone these past few years. It looks like it’s gonna be Hot Chicks Screaming and Running and Probably Showing Their Boobs at Some Point. But it wasn’t like that, it was a really good scary movie and worth your time if you like movies like that. And no, they don’t show their boobs.

The second movie I saw was Little Miss Sunshine. Go see this movie. It is adorable. I know that it’s getting crazy good buzz about it’s adorable-ness, but it is totally legitimate buzz. I’m never quite sure when I see that an independent movie got good buzz. That could leave me with a great movie or with “Broken friggin’ Flowers”, which we won’t even get started on right now.

But this movie was genuinely cute and laugh out loud funny. If it is in your town I recommend seeing it. It actually has a plot and some characters and some great dialogue, which is more than I can say for a lot of the other crap out in the summer.

So then, that is the extent of my movie reviews. I’m sure I did other things this weekend. But I’m also sure they didn’t involve popcorn and a soda the size of an SUV. So I’m sure they barely even count.

Random Thoughts

I have moved into the middle of Retail Heaven. Or Bank Balance Hell, as some may call it. Good lord, this could end poorly. Pun totally intended.

There are shops EVERYWHERE around me. Everything you could ever want to buy is all within like a block of me. This is no good. Because a lot of times you don’t know you want to buy something until you see it and then you think, “Man I want that.” And then the next thing you know you are hauling 4 bags of crap up your stairs for the third time in one week. And by “you” I totally don’t mean “me” at all. Holy no money left for the mortgage Batman.

Speaking of the new home. My mother helped me unpack and she made the house a home by putting the most important thing in the middle of the dining room table:

A house just ain’t a home until the Shit Bitch Bear is out. Please notice the Dell battery behind the Shit Bitch Bear. My mother called me in a panic the other day because apparently that battery was set to explode at any given moment. I removed the battery just in time, I barely survived. Have you seen this on the news? Where the laptops just explode into flames because of some faulty batteries? Very dramatic. And scary.

The other day when my fire alarms were going off repeatedly and I thought there was a possibility that the ceiling water sprinklers may go off the first thing I did was grab my laptop and run it down to my car in the garage. Once it was safe I actually investigated whether something might be on fire. Honestly it was a toss-up between the big screen TV and the laptop as far as who to save in case of an emergency. But see, if I lose the laptop I lose my source of revenue, and that would be bad. Cause then I couldn’t pay for cable and the TV would be useless.

This blog is all over the place already so here is a picture I took when I finally went to the grocery store the other night:

Is this a hybrid fruit? Between a Plum and an Apricot? A plumcot? I don’t go to the produce section much (ever), so I’m sure this fruit has been around a long time, but it was the first time I’ve seen it. Please tell me what this fruit is all about. I am intrigued.

And to send you off to the weekend, we have one last picture:

He’s all ready for the beach. Although by the look of his glasses he might have already been out on the beach (with a few drinks) for awhile. And by the look of the bow on his head it might be time for him to come in from out of the sun now. He’s starting to have gender issues again.

Walking

I started walking yesterday. Because I am supposedly training for a half marathon in October. How I got talked into this I do not know. But it’s good for me. I need to move my body more. And the company is great. The weather is even nice. But DUUUUDE. Walking is boring. Now, running isn’t exactly a party on wheels, but somehow it doesn’t seem as boring as the walking. I think because walking takes longer to do, so you are even more aware of the fact that you really do not have enough thoughts to keep yourself mentally entertained for hours at a time. Thank god I’m training with other people, because lord help me if I had to walk by myself.

I was never a fan of running with other people because I hate running and didn’t feel the need to share the experience with anyone. That and the fact that when people run together they usually talk, and when I’m running I can barely breathe, let alone talk. Oh, and the other fact that I run without my hearing aides and therefore can’t hear what the other person is saying anyways. Basically I don’t like to run with other people.

But there is no way I could do this walking without other people, I would lose my head in boredom. Good god. It’s all enough to make me long for running. Which is saying A LOT. But until the doctors figure out what is wrong with my knee, I shouldn’t be running on it. And therefore I am stuck doing all this boring walking.

So hopefully I will get over this boredom and be able to get through 13 miles in October. Funny thing is, I’ve actually walked 13 miles in a marathon before. They were just after I’d run 13 and my knee finally stopped functioning. There will be no 13 miles ever that will be as horrible as those 13 - with me dragging my damn leg for hours on end. But then again the pain, heat, pain, frustration and crying kept my mind busy, so I wasn’t all that bored. So that was good.

Food

I might need to go grocery shopping. What do you think? I basically only have Mountain Dews and salsa. My mom and dad brought over the Diet Pepsi and the beer to assist them in assisting me in unpacking. I really should go to the store. Or something. It’s quite sad how little food I have in here. But seriously, I moved into the middle of Retail Heaven, where there is every single food place I could ever want within about two blocks of me. It’s convenient. And a little dangerous. I could be 400 pounds by like November.

Tonight I put off the grocery shopping by returning to my aunt’s house. She fed me. I wonder at what age it becomes pathetic that I only eat real food at relative’s houses? Hmm. Don’t answer that. I will have you know, I did not go over to the house JUST to eat, although I knew that eating was probably going to occur, and I wasn’t exactly upset about this.

I went over to my aunt’s house because it was the kid’s birthday and she invited me over for cake. Because I never turn down cake I went on over. I got there quite a ways into her little party with a couple of her friends. They had already returned from the scavenger hunt my aunt sent them on. As they were eating their cake I noticed that they each had a pile of one dollar bills next to them. I asked them where they got the cash and they all said, “The scavenger hunt.” I was like, “People just GAVE you money?” “No, we got all the things on the list so we got a bonus.” “Cash?” “Yeah, we got a dollar for everything on the list and then if we got all 20 we got a ten dollar bonus.” I looked to my aunt, she shrugged, “I didn’t feel like buying stupid prizes.” This is what happens when a bookkeeper plans party games.

I’m thinking that the kid is going to have a lot of people wanting to come to her birthday party next year when the word gets out that it is a money-making venture.

Home

I’m in the condo. As we speak there is a man on the side of my building trying to hook up my Dish Network. Add it with this:

And I’m officially starting to feel like my house is a home. It has been very quiet in here because I haven’t had TV for like three whole days. I know, it’s been a very trying time. Thank god I moved during the summer months, when the TV isn’t as good. If I had to move during a sweeps month or something crazy like that? I wouldn’t have made it.

So far things are going okay. I spent the weekend unpacking all of my boxes (including the new TV box) and now I’m officially moved in with everything in it’s place. Well, if by “in it’s place” I mean “stuffed in whatever closet was nearest to the place it should probably be eventually”. I was going for “out of sight, out of looking like I’m not finished unpacking”.

Yesterday I had my first visitors:

It’s a long story that involves my fire alarms going off repeatedly and me physically tearing them off the wall because they were shattering my already disabled eardrums. Then the story included my father thinking that perhaps there was a reason that the fire/carbon dioxide alarm was going off and that perhaps tearing them off the wall wasn’t the way to deal with the reason. So then the homebuilder people recommended calling the fire department because they might be able to save me from the carbon dioxide. Then the firemen came and basically stood around and said that they don’t have a way of detected carbon monoxide and then they tested the alarms and looked firemen-ish and then they left.

It was quite an exciting weekend.

Yet Another Homeless Update

Today I am still homeless. But I am a little closer to my ultimate goal of living in the home I now own, so we are making progress here. I went to go pick up my keys today and they gave me a bunch of keys. All very exciting. Except for the small, but rather significant, detail that none of the keys would open the doors to my condo. If I want to go swimming in the pool? I’m all set. If I need to check my mailbox? Ready to go. Hell, even if I want to open my garage door, I’m fully equipped. But if I want to ENTER my house? Not so much.

At this point I really don’t care. Things have gone so far off track on the whole “trying not to be homeless” thing that I just have to laugh at it now and figure that it will eventually work out. Eventually I will have access to my condo and eventually I may even live there. But did I mention that my aunt is cooking for me while I stay at her house? Unless my new place comes with a cook I doubt it is going to be as exciting as the place I’m staying. So there’s no rush really.

And speaking of homelessness - I am very sad for people who are actually homeless, because that must mean they have nowhere to go. I am very lucky to have had every person I know offer me a place to crash this week. It would take me about 2 years to take them all up on their offers and move on from each place after I wore out my welcome and ate all their food. It’s good to know that if ever get kicked out of this new condo or heaven forbid I try to buy another place someday and end up homeless again, I always have couches to crash on. And many of them come with high speed internet. I know this because many people felt the need to list the various benefits of staying in their home. None of them could match the home-cooked meal/high-speed internet/my own room/my favorite young person lives there combo that my aunt’s house provided. That’s not to say that those other couches aren’t still on the list and might be called upon during my next homeless spell.

Have a great weekend and hopefully next time I write it will be from my actual home. I know. I dream so big.

Homeless Update

Well, the good news is that I am technically no longer homeless. I now own a home. But technically all my stuff is in storage and all my new furniture isn’t going to be delivered until this weekend. So technically I am the owner of a very empty condo. And I have been staying with my aunt these past couple days and technically she cooks me dinner. So then. I will not be going to my empty condo, because it’s empty and doesn’t have any food. I wonder if I ever have to move into it. My aunt has a spare bedroom and seems to eat dinner pretty much every day. Hmmm.

Yesterday, during my homelessness I went to use a bathroom at Rite Aide. And this is the sign that was outside the door of the bathroom:

Huh? I looked all around for some sort of security camera, but there wasn’t one. As I was sitting there spinning around looking at the ceiling a young girl came up with a bathroom key in her hand - because apparently an 8 year old knows to ask for a key and I just stand staring at that ceiling hoping that it will magically open the door. Did I mention I’m still on pain meds?

I really have nothing more to report. I signed about 8483 papers yesterday that officially made me house poor. It is a very exciting time, in a very not exciting way.

Still Not So Much With Home

I'm bouncing around.

Home to home.

I'm a wanderer, really.

I have wandered to a new home tonight, because my parents' home doesn't have high speed internet, or the ability to allow me to answer my e-mails, I don't know why. Therefore I had to hit the road - in search of internet that met my high speed needs.

I'm kinda high maintenance for a homeless person.

I'll keep you posted on my efforts to be with home. It's going just smashingly so far, as you can see.

I'm Homeless

This is all I have in my possession at this time. My clothes, my computer and my Mountain Dew. This is all I need. Which is good, because it is all I have. I have no home. Because the people I was buying my home from are morons. And that is about all the detail I care to give at this time. If I were to give any more detail I may get worked up enough to go on that shooting spree I've been looking into this week.

Thank god for the pain meds I have, they are making me high and therefore much calmer than I really should be.

I Unheart Everything

Moving Sucks.

Buying Houses Sucks More.

That is all I have to say at this time.

Have a good weekend everyone.

If you see me on the side of the road, with all my new furniture, go ahead and come join me. I can't offer you any refreshments, or even a roof, but I can offer you a great ottoman.

Did I mention that buying houses sucks?

Some Pictures

The good news is that my neck is feeling a little better after I took the pain pills my doctor gave me.

The bad news is that the pills slow everything down, including my already slow brain. I can't string thoughts together right now, so I'll give you some pics:

I thought I felt a flat tire today, so I pulled over, cause I'm just getting around to getting pain pills from the last flat tire and didn't feel like visiting the hospital or the side of the highway today. Luckily I didn't have any flat tires when I pulled over to look, and even luckily-er I saw this parking sign. 36 minutes? Really? Not 35? Not 30? 36. I think this sign gets the random award of the day. Although I am sure the car parked in front of me would probably nominate me for the award as they were talking on the phone, I pulled behind them, hopped out of my car, looked at my tires, took a picture of the parking sign and left. And that was before the drugs even kicked in.

It's been a little hot here lately. I do not think that this is a good enough reason to SHAVE A CAT. Good lord. It ain't right. My friend, however, thinks it's just fine. I'll let her cat's expression determine how it feels about the hairdo.

I Might Be a Little Out of Control

So then. I just took out a loan for 100's of thousands of dollars. So what is a few more grand really? It’s nothing really. Well, it’s quite a bit of furniture actually, if we are going to get detailed about it, but details are not important. What is important is that I’m not going to be able to afford to do anything besides sit in my house for the next five years or so. And therefore I think it isn’t a bad idea to pimp that house out with all new furniture. ESPECIALLY when said furniture doesn’t have to be paid for until 2009, for god’s sakes. It’s almost like free furniture. Sorta. Until 2009 at least. Then it becomes decidedly less free. But again, we are not focusing on details right now, we are going on a spending spree right now. Check in later if you are looking for reality and responsibility-ness.

So basically I decided to furnish my whole condo with new furniture. Anyone in the market for some old furniture? Cause I got quite a bit of it. I’m thinking the two car garage at my new place is going to come in very handy, seeing as though I’m not actually moving 95% of my stuff into my new place. I’m sure the movers will be glad to hear that. Well, the first movers. There are going to be other movers bringing the new stuff. Quite a few other movers actually. I got quite a bit of stuff, I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that.

It is very weird being able to get my credit approved for this new stuff, I’ve had such bad credit for so long I never even thought to get anything on credit, I’ve been living in a cash-based world the past 7 years or so. It’s a nice world. But it is one that puts silly limitations on stuff - words like “affordability” come in to play more in this world than they do in the credit-based world. In the cash-based world I could only buy things that I could actually afford at that very moment based on what was in my bank account. Now that silly word has flown out the window and been replaced by “credit approved”. I enjoy those words.

It was a very weird process to get to those words though. I was at the furniture store and they were running my credit and the credit lady on the phone wanted to ask me some questions to see if I was who I said I was. Did she ask me normal things like my mother’s maiden name? No, she asked me how old Cindy Dais was. Uh. There is no Cindy Dais. It was a trick question. Cause if I wasn’t me, I might actually try to guess Cindy’s age, thinking that she was maybe a relative or something. And then she gave me a street name and 4 options of what county that street was in. It was a street I lived on in like 1997. Good god. I knew it sounded familiar, but seriously, I moved like 458713 in my early 20's, who remembers where the streets were? Thank god it was multiple choice, because I knew I hadn’t lived in three of the options. After I answered those two questions they gave me all the furniture for free. It was like a game show. Sorta. Except where you have to pay for all your prizes in 2 years. But still. Pretty exciting.

Impending Violence

I am writing this blog as a warning to anyone who has anything to do with automated help lines at any company in the world. I will be doing my best to obtain a firearm and then I will slowly and methodically hunt down every one of you and your damn computerized voice people. Do not say that I didn’t give you a heads up. I think it’s a fair game now.

Honestly. I do not understand why it needs to be so complicated to get connected to a real person with a real voice who is sitting in front of a real computer that has real information that might be even a little bit helpful. How exactly is it that I can spend 40 minutes on my phone with the PHONE COMPANY and not once in that time be able to talk to one person who can help me set up a new account for my new condo? This doesn’t seem like a outlandish request on my part, does it? Why why why why why can’t EVERY person in the damn company access the same damn information in the computer? Why must I be transferred to 4 people to get any help? And then why do they just happen to disconnect my call when I finally get to that person? I mean, are they WANTING a shooting spree at their headquarters? Do they think that might liven things up a bit? Cause the only thing I accomplished in an hour on the phone with the phone company is an increased hatred of said phone company and an overwhelming shift in my opinion on gun-control laws.

Lord help me.