Saturday, May 07, 2005

It's 4 a.m., do you know where Vanessa Williams is?

It’s 4 a.m. I’m watching TV. I love 4 a.m. TV. Let’s go through some of my channels and get a sampling of what you are missing while you’re wasting all that time sleeping:

You are missing out on that hearing aide that allows you to shoot a gun and not blow out your ears. Seriously. It’s a hearing aide, but it protects your ear when you fire a gun. You know, I wear hearing aides, and EVERY TIME I shoot a gun I have to take them out. It’s quite a pain.

Did you know that Laura Hutton was 61 years old? This is a very important fact, they keep mentioning it.

There’s a way to make a fortune on Ebay by selling other people’s houses. Or something. The lady is standing in front of a large house and nice car saying I can sell them. I wonder if the owners will mind.

Jennifer Coolidge wants me to save the animals. She is being very serious. Jennifer Coolidge is not serious. She’s a funny woman with a funny face and I’m laughing at her even when she is telling me to save the animals, cause I keep imagining her face when she scrunches it up and whines. I think I saw the cat she is holding smirk just a little.

You are never going to walk without pain because you are not up to order WalkFit. If you order now you can get the WalkFit and a sandal adaptor and a rubbing cream. Kevin Moore’s life was falling apart, but he bought WalkFit and he is now on his porch and very happy. Oh, he’s crying. Cause he can play soccer now, he never played soccer in his life and now he can play. Do you think this product could help my soccer game? Oh no, you’re missing a 3-D animated model of the shoe product and a podiatrist who is wearing a little white jacket and everything. And you are missing an actor who used to be overweight and is now skinny. I don’t know who he is, but I picture him being about 100 pounds heavier, I think he was in a sitcom and he was the funny chubby guy. I wonder if the WalkFit in his shoe was responsible for the weight loss.

I’ll order you a Little Giant ladder from Al, the guy from Home Improvement who now hosts Family Feud. His real name is probably not Al. This ladder he is selling can fold up and fit in your pocket practically. It’s all very exciting. I feel bad for the actors in this infomercial, they are having to climb all over the place on really questionable ladders. I guarantee they fell more than once while taping this thing.

You are sleeping through Vanessa Williams in a well lit room – talking about her illustrious career, which as it turns out, was just that one song about snow coming down in june, sun going round the moon. But that one song makes her more than qualified to recommend Time Life’s Ultimate Love Song Collections. She was going to do a collection of her own hits, but she already released “Saved the Best For Last” as a single back in the 90’s, so she can’t do that again.

I know you’ve been waiting for this - Super Brawl’s Greatest Hits. You have all the Super Brawl DVD’s and just like on a CD, you have your favorites. But now you don’t have to fast-forward through the groin kick to get to the eye-gouging. All your favorites are on one DVD!

It turns out I don’t need money, or an idea, or business experience – I just need to make a decision to buy the Making Money in Your Underwear RIGHT NOW. You need no special education, no training and no skills. But you can have a house with pillars if you call today. I can take fantastic vacations, spend time with my loved ones and experience financial freedom. All while in my underwear apparently.

Again with the greatest hits. If you’ve been waiting for years for Wild America to release your favorite “human feeding a baby animal with a bottle” and “slow motion fish” segments, then look no further than this large hairy man, he’ll hook you up. And he’ll throw in a mesh hat if you call within 30 minutes! Wake up!

Next up - I know you’re skeptical, you should be but the acne people did a clear skin challenge on normal people and all of their faces were cleared up by this product. There are people saying that their lives have been changed by the elimination of acne. They are crying. But don’t worry, they are tears of happiness. I’m not sure if the professional make-up job and hairstylist comes with the acne medication – but it might.

You are missing that chance to see back to back lessons from the Brady Bunch. I’ll catch you up: don’t throw the ball in the house.

You are also missing some sort of machine, hold on, I can’t figure out what it is. A bald man, an auto mechanic and an elderly magician are telling me how it’s changed their lives. (There is a lot of life changing going on in late-night TV) Oh, okay, it’s a Power Juicer. They are with Juicing Fanatics now. These people are crazy, they are having a juicing party. Oh, God, they just juiced a cucumber. I think someone slipped some brandy into the juicer, cause they are getting loud.

Oh, no, you’re going to kick yourself for this one. You are missing a British guy vacuuming cat litter and paperclips and dirt clots from under a couch. (Why is the catbox under the couch?) The Swivel Sweeper knows how to do one thing, clean. By the way it picks up paperclips, they’ve mentioned that three times in the last minute. Am I the only one not throwing paper clips all over the floor?

You could be sleeping even better at 4 a.m. with a sleep number bed.

Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! (random actual movie in the middle of my infomercials.)

There will be showers over the plain states on Wednesday. I don’t know where the plain states are, I know nothing past Nevada.

You are missing Vanessa Williams AGAIN. It seems she is the go to girl for the infomercial. Oh, this one is another acne medication. This one saved a young girl who didn’t want to leave her room. But this acne medication fixed her whole head, including the crooked teeth she had in the Before photo.

You are missing an older white man talking to you very seriously about your new life. He sounds like Walter Cronkite. It’s somewhat comforting and somewhat creepy.

You are laying there, getting fatter while you sleep when you could be taking your first steps to diving on the beach for a volleyball while wearing no shirt. Bowflex can do that for you people. If this guy can do it, so can you. You know what would be the biggest workout about the Bowflex? Setting it up. This thing looks like a bad prop from a trippy sci-fi movie made in the 70’s. It’s got wires and pulleys and weights all over the place. I would put that thing together, pull the lever once and it would snap – sending me flying across the room. Thank god I would not have lost any weight yet, so my ass would still have plenty of padding to break my fall.

Uh, it’s best that you are missing this one. It’s some sort of squirt bottle that is squirting out scolding hot something. This doesn’t seem safe. Oh wait, it’s a steam bottle. It’s surely the solution for life’s real messes. But what can it do for my acne or Vanessa Williams’ career?

1 comment:

Cesar Chavez Day said...

I know you did this in real time, because I happened to be doing EXACTLY THE SAME THING (even right down to the RUDY RUDY RUDY chanting part) as you that night. Man, we live in a parallel universe or something. I even bought a Little Giant from Richard Karn, because you just KNOW I am going to use a ladder SEVERAL times in my apartment with low ceilings. Maybe the asprin is stocked a little too high in my medicine cabinet, and I NEED the Little Giant. Or maybe, I'm a gnome...oh never mind. I can't wait to see what's on at 3:58 tonight....