Friday, May 13, 2005

Baby Daddy

I just saw a commercial tomorrow’s all new Maury Povich show. First of all, how is Maury Povich still on the air? Who is watching this show everyday? I’ll tell you who – baby mamas who are unsure who their baby daddies are and/or baby mamas with abnormally large babies. On most talk shows they’ll put up requests for viewers to call in if they meet a particular criteria. AKA: Is your husband emotionally unavailable? Call us today and we may have you as a guest on our show. (Dr. Phil) Do you want to hit your cousin/boyfriend/step-brother over the head with a chair? Call us today and you can come on our show. (Springer) Do you think I look fabulous for my age and are willing to weep on national television? Call us today. (Oprah)

I’m thinking that Maury puts up requests like these but for some reason the ONLY people who call in are women who are uncertain of the paternity of their children and/or women who have 200 pound 5 month old children. Cause those are the ONLY guests that are EVER on this show. Every night I watch Letterman and every night there is a “next time on Maury” commercial. And EVERY time it’s some guy saying, “No, that’s not my baby.” Or, “Yeah huh, that is my baby.” Or, “Damn, that’s a big baby.”

Now, I realize that Maury has been on the since the Mayflower landed, and I understand that it’s hard to come up with new show ideas all the time. But it seems as though Maury just isn’t even trying anymore. He seems to be completely resigned to the fact that he has become the go-to guy for figuring out baby daddies. “Doctor, I have a very sick child.” “You should go to Shriner’s, they are the best.” “Doctor, I have cancer.” “You should go to Cedars Sinai, they are the best.” “Doctor, I don’t know who the father of my baby is.” “Go to Maury, he’s the best.”

My favorite Maury commercial is the one they ran right before the new season was about to start. Maury is walking down a softly lit, friendly neighborhood street while smiling and giving passersby high-fives and hugs. I think he even stops at one of their porches to chat and laugh exuberantly at “unknown, but universally funny and non-offensive” joke. I love this commercial. Who does Maury think he’s kidding? He gives paternity tests and traipses oversized children across his stage 5 days a week. The only thing Maury could possibly laughing about is if one of the porch people is saying, “Remember back when you had a career that didn’t require women to pee on a stick? Ah, those were good times.”

Unfortunately I don’t think we’ve see the Maury’s low point yet. I’m waiting for the show where Steadman is hitting Dr. Phil over the head with a chair because his kid with Oprah now weighs 100 pounds and has a funny looking mustache and receding hairline.

3 comments:

yomamasdaddysbabybrother said...

Dawn,

What happened, did you take the weekend off? This is prime Blog time and when all we blog addicts want to read your hilarious rants. Are there NO late nite shows or media sensations for you to write about? I am surprised you haven't blogged about Dave Chapelle, Michael Jackson or Paula Abdul. You have excellent self control.

M and G said...

OMG, This is HYSTERICAL!!!
Thanks for the laugh. I added you to my favorites!!!!
Catch you later
M & G

Oh we found you through Rosies blog by the way.
GLAD WE DID!!!
I was ready to go to sleep over an hour ago and I have been stuck reading your blog!!! lol
It was too funny to stop and now its almost 8am and I am just now going to sleep... sigh.
Ahhhh but it was worth it!
Later

Kevin said...

Oh man, when I go home for lunch everyday, it happens to be at the same time the Maury show is on, so I watch it and have become morbidly obsessed with the show, particularly the DNA shows. Don't they know it is mathematically impossible to be 1000% sure so-and-so is the father, and is that 1000% certainty cancelled out if he is 1000% sure he is not the father?