Monday, April 10, 2006

I Think I'm Bipolar

For some reason I'm getting US Weekly in the mail now. I don't know why. I did not order it. Much like the daily newspaper that has been appearing on my porch every morning, US Weekly just started showing up. The subscription gods are apparently blessing me. If you count the delivery of a huge paper I'm never going to read and a tabloid quality magazine as "blessed". I was reading my trashy US Weekly this week, catching up on all things pointless and completely unsubstantiated when I came across this ad:

The page before it said something about depression or something and had some lady staring into a mirror trying to figure out why the guy with the polaroid camera has been following her around.

Then you turn the page and you see the above ad saying that you might be bipolar if you have some of the symptoms that this lady has. Frankly I'm a little worried.

Symptom: Talking too fast.
Who doesn't talk too fast? Except for people in the south. Do you think this is a ploy by my cell phone company to get me to spend even more money? If I talk slower to prevent bipolar-ness then I will be on my damn phone even longer. But I'm sorry, how the hell is talking too fast a sign of being bipolar? If that's the case my friend Jen who averages 4 Go Girl Energy Drinks a day is crazy bipolar. She has been going on her manic phase for about 28 years. That's including womb time.

Symptom: Sleeping less.
That picture of the lady staring blankly into her computer is how I look about 15 hours a day...Sometimes I'm talking fast on the phone while staring into the computer.

Symptom: Buying things you don't need.
Hmph. I think that just with things found in the back of my car alone I could get a prescription for 8 different anti-depression meds.

Symptom: Racing Thoughts
So now I'm bipolar because I have a lot of thoughts? You know I'm thinking that if I just started smoking weed a lot of these things would be taken care of. I'd talk slow, I'd sleep a hell of a lot more and my thoughts would slow down so much they'd probably actually stop. But I would buy quite a few more bags of Cheetos than I needed, so I might have to take a few pills for that.

My favorite photo is the one on the second page in the upper right hand corner, where the chick is screaming into the phone. I don't think she looks bipolar, I think she looks like she is dealing with a voice-activated menu at some company that makes you go through eighteen menus before they transfer you to Pakistan to talk to someone who doesn't understand you or your problem. Yet another reason out-sourcing is bad. It leads to bipolar disorder.

One picture that makes me feel safe is the one on the top of the second page, the one with the lady cleaning. Never, ever, ever, ever, ever do I feel the need to clean. So I must not be bipolar. Phew.

What I love about this ad is that it's in US friggin' Weekly, the most pointless magazine on the face of the planet. Stuffed between a four-page spread on a girl Nick Lachey talked to at a 7-11 and 13 pages of Paris Hilton we get an ad for bipolar disorder. Really? Is this really the best magazine to advertise in? The whole point of US Weekly is to completely remove yourself from any sort of reality. This ad is such a buzzkill.

If I wanted to think about depression I'd put down US Weekly and pick up the actual newspaper. Or I'd call a help line.


Chunks said...

I must be bipolar too! Maybe we can get a group rate on the meds!

Patricia said...

i used to work with people who experienced bipolar disorder and it was positively exhausting to talk with them sometimes.

but yeah, from this description, i'm in.

Dr. Quackenbush said...

They don't have a picture of a brown girl engulfing twinkies and thin mints, or taking pictures of strippers so I think you're off the hook. Now as far as you being TRI polar, that is entirely possible since you have your own universe.

Jen said...


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Anonymous said...

those are symtoms of being bipolar lady. but if you're normal you think that YOUR limit of fast is really fast...see a bipolar person in their manic phase and you'll see how fast they can go. racing thoughts are a lot more thoughts in a bipolar person and it's extremely hard to do any work with it. Look into some stuff on Bipolar disorder and then you'll understand what US weekly is talking about...thanks for being an ass.

Pam said...

Just because someone talks fast doesn't mean they're bipolar, and I'm so sick of the shrinks who listen to me say two sentences and then come to that brilliant "conclusion". In my house growing up you HAD to talk fast if you wanted to get your whole thought out before Mom-who-never-shut-up interrupted you.

Karen said...

Thanks for your blog. I actually found it by googling 'Just because I talk fast doesn't mean I'm Bipolar' lol. I have been a fairly fast talker all my life (I think fast) and also had to talk fast to be heard in my family. I never thought I was 'manic', but the problem is, once ONE person says it, all the other sheep seem to fall in line and go 'Oh, right, bipoloar, I see it now'. That's just lazy thinking! Stupid shrinks lol