Saturday, July 23, 2005

Genius Penguins

Have you seen that new documentary about the penguins? It’s called ‘March of the Penguins’. I think. Go check it out, it’s pretty good. It’s all about penguins. Marching. Well, as close to marching as penguins can get, seeing as though I don’t think they really have knees.

So Morgan Freeman narrates this story that he says is all about “love”. But it’s really all about these crazy ass penguins that waddle their crazy little penguin butts 70 miles to meet up with their mate. And I can’t even be bothered to go down the street to the local bar. And I have knees that make marching much easier.

But knees be damned, these penguins return to this same spot every year to make babies. They wander the frozen, barren land of some really cold, southern country (geography is not my strong suit) and they always seem to end up in the right place. Does it seem weird to anyone else that these penguins can find their way for 70 miles to the middle of nowhere and I need to use Mapquest every time I’m going to go more than two blocks away from my house? Apparently humans did not evolve from penguins. (No matter how similar drunk groomsmen look to them after a wedding reception)

And so you’d think these animals are geniuses, the way they can navigate to each other and pick their mate out of a group of thousands of drunk groomsmen. But let’s be honest, if they were geniuses they would have set up some sort of mass transit system to avoid that grueling 70 mile walk. Lack of opposable thumbs has probably been their stumbling block.

Without thumbs these poor penguins are left to shield their newborn chicks with only their bodies and the huddle masses of the other new parents. At one point a huge winter storm comes through and some of the little chicks get separated from their parents. And other chicks are peaking out from underneath their parent’s fur, causing their little faces to freeze. And here I am in the theatre thinking, “Take care of your BABIES! What are you doing! They’re cold!” Then I realize that I am honestly getting upset with a penguin. And I have to calm myself down. Because it wouldn’t be fair to fight an animal with no thumbs or knees.

But what struck me the most while I was watching these thousands of little animals huddled together in 100 mile an hour wind, in 80 degrees below zero temperatures, in the middle of some really remote southern country was the fact that I was able to WATCH this happening. And why was I able to WATCH this happening? Cause some stupid humans were sitting in that same 100 mile an hour wind, in 80 degrees below zero temperatures, in the middle of some really remote southern country FILMING this.

The penguins were probably like, “He has thumbs, why is he putting himself through this hell?”
And another penguin says, “That’s a human. He evolved from a monkey.”
“You mean the animal that throws its own poo?”
“That’s the one. So keep an eye on him. It’s awfully windy…”


RO said...

going to see it when it rains

sorry about the legal crap
ya know
i am a sue her target
or so they say

where r these rules posted?

Concerned Reader said...

At least you got out of the damn house and away from your TV and all those dancing shows.

But could you at least go see something more hip than the penguin movie? Go see Wedding Crashers. That's high quality movie-making at it's best. Boobs, beer and that Shout! song. That's what I call entertainment.