Tick, Tock

It turns out there is a little bit of planning that goes into a 10-week cross-country book tour/world saving adventure. Geez. Why does everything have to be so difficult? I’m officially in “Making Lists” mode. I am making lists of all the crap I have to do within the next couple of weeks.

1. Figure out what the hell to say at the 5 million different TV/Book Store/Running Events where I am scheduled to speak.
2. Drink Heavily.

My camera guy is here, he has moved into my house and we will begin filming soon. Did I tell you we are filming this whole thing for a documentary? We are. I’m like Ozzy Osborne here, with all the filming. Except with more cussing.

We had an opportunity to get my books in some cool gift baskets next week, so I got in touch with my publisher to see if they could give me the 40 books I needed. They had them at their offices, but I needed to put stuff in the books so that people who receive them know all about the tour/world saving adventures. So I drove down to the offices today and picked them up. And I then I signed them.

My lord in heaven.

I don’t know when it happened, but at some point my handwriting just stopped maturing into that of a regular functioning adult. It must have been circa grade 6 that I stopped any further development of my handwriting skills. I swear to you, my handwriting looks like a drunk, epileptic 4 year old got a hold of a pen and just went crazy (crazier than a drunk, epileptic 4 year old would be already). I try so hard to make my handwriting legible, and it seems that the more I try the more drunk the 4 year old gets.

So I’m sitting there in Kinko’s signing 40 books while offering commentary to my fellow shoppers, “Oh, that one is horrible, just horrible. I hope no one important gets that one.” “Oh, god, I’m actually ashamed of that one.” “Wow, that doesn’t look like anything resembling my name.” “Oh, god, I think the more think about them the worse they are getting.”

I think I need a signature stamp. Sure it’s cheesy, but at least then people would be able to distinguish who actually signed the book. As it is now they are all probably just going to wonder how it is this 4 year old sobered up long enough to write a whole book. And they will admire that little 4 year old’s ability to move beyond her disabilities and train for a marathon...

3. Learn how to write.
4. And probably spell too.