My Dog

My dog has issues. Let us discuss them now.

#1 - He REALLY like the taste of poo. This REALLY upsets me. Not only does he like the taste, he likes the smell and is able to hone in on that smell from a good 50 yards away. He’s like one of those drug-sniffing dogs. Except I can only imagine what kind of criminals he’d catch.

#2 - He REALLY likes laying in water. It doesn’t really matter where the water is. He learned of his love of water while laying in a baby pool at a dog park. But now EVERY time I take him to my dog park he doesn’t let a little thing like lack of baby pool get in his way of laying in water. So EVERY time he lays in the mud puddles. A lady asked me the other day, “Are they water dogs?” as she looked at my dog, lounging in up to his ears in a puddle of mud and water. “No, he’s a crazy dog. His breed has nothing to do with it.” The other day, while at yet another dog park my lovely dog made his way over to one of those water fountains that has the human water fountain at the top and the doggie water fountain at the bottom. After the doggie’s drank out of the fountain my genius decided to sit in the fountain. Because, you know, there’s water in there, and water is for sitting in.

The only good part of #2 (maybe the poo one should have been here instead...) is that I have figured out a fantastic way to bathe the dog post-mud dip. Initially I was trying to bath him in the sink like I normally do for his baths. But this was not a good time. Because most of the mud is on his underside and trying to spray that underside usually resulted in my spraying mud up into the air and all over my damn kitchen. And I have to keep the kitchen clean, because sometimes I put take-out boxes on the counter.

So then. Instead of taking him inside for the bath I have decided to keep him outside for a squirt down from the hose. I hold on to his little leash and spray him off. He thinks he is getting shot and I think I’m taking out a lot of poo and mud anger on him with a high-powered sprayer. This makes me much happier than the mud in the kitchen.

#3 - He’s got issues. He’s gotten a lot better about going up to people and not being super afraid of every human being that isn’t me. (Which always cracks me up, because in his little life span, I’m the only human being who has spanked him, yelled at him and sprayed him with a high-powered hose. Yet I’m the only one he trusts. Like I said, issues.) He is mostly okay with people outside, but once they come into our house, he’s not a huge fan. He backs away from them, he barks, he hides. Maybe he thinks that they are going to spank and yell and spray too, who knows.

So I hired a dog-walker, because he didn’t seem to like Doggie Daycare that much (How do I know this? Because I too have issues and watched him on the internet doggie cam.) so I figured I’d just leave him home and have someone come over to walk him once a day. I know, I’m a yuppie. Whatever.

So the dog-walker came over the other day and when I got home there was a note that read: “Please call me.” There were also many a toy thrown throughout the living room. Uh oh. I’d seen this scene before, when I asked the roommate to take the dog out one time when I wasn’t home. I came home to all of Nola’s toys at the bottom of the stairs, an obvious attempt by the roommate to lure the dog towards the front door. From the cussing I heard coming from upstairs I figured that these attempts had not been successful.

I called the dog-walker, she was distraught. “I don’t know what was wrong, I tried for 45 minutes to get him to come to me and all he would do is bark and back away. I’ve never experienced anything like that.” “Well, my dog is unique to say the least.” “Don’t worry, I won’t charge you for today, since I never was able to take him for a walk.” “Uh, yeah, it’s not your fault my dog is insane, go ahead and charge me. At least he got a workout trying to get away from you.”

Tomorrow the dog-walker returns to try again. I’ve put leftover chicken in the fridge to aide her efforts. Of course I should probably just recommend bringing some poo, that ought to get him to come to her right away.