Blog Forecast: Not so good

Uh, remember how I haven’t been blogging much? Cause I had so little time? I have terrible news. It’s Premiere Week on my TV. This does not bode well for the blogging. What little free time I have must be devoted to my television now, for the free days of summer are gone. I don’t know why I don’t make more of a note of it, but jesus do I have a lot more time during the summer. Tonight alone I taped like 4 hours of TV. That’s a part-time job. Throw in the occasional Oprah and I may have to reevaluate this whole employment thing. I mean, my DVR can only hold so much.

Tonight Dancing with the Stars premiered. Good god do I love that show. It’s just ridiculously cheesy and over the top, but I can’t get enough of it. Kelly Taylor for 90210 is on it!!!! I actually thought about voting for her, that’s how much I loved her when I was a teenager. She was a slut with a heart of gold! Tonight they had the women compete, tomorrow the guys will compete. You really have to love guys, cause they were doing a promo for tomorrow’s episode and they had a package edited together of all the guys basically talking a big game. They were all saying how badass they are and how they are there to compete and to bring home the top prize and pretty much just being boys. But you have just got to love that the big prize is a trophy shaped like a disco ball. I mean really. Does it get any better than that? I think no.

And can I also point out that the chick that danced the best on the show tonight was probably the heaviest set girl on the show? And she still looked awesome. I kept thinking of little Britney Spears and her bikini-ed ass making a mess of herself on MTV a few weeks back. Everyone said she was fat and looked horrible. Britney Spears is not fat, she’s probably tipping the scales at like 138. What she is is a complete friggin’ moron who thinks that going on national television in a bikini is a fantastic idea. The girl on the show tonight easily has 20 or 30 pounds on Britney but she actually had the sense to work with a costume designer and put on something that covered and tucked in the right places. Then she went out and danced her ass off, another thing Britney wasn’t quite in the mood for. Dancing’s hard y’all.

And speaking of overweight, an overweight young woman wrote to me the other day to tell me that she had decided to train for a marathon and that her doctor recommended my book. She then said she’d read my book three times and was “inspired” by me. There are a couple things that don’t seem right here. First off: Why are doctors recommending running books that reference Cheetos on a pretty regular basis? Second off: It’s a bit alarming how many people have written to me to say that they are inspired by my book. How bizarre is it that my lazy ass is inspiring American’s to run around in circles? Oh the mind. How it boggles.

If you ask me I think I should get burnt calorie credit for all the work my readers are doing, I mean, I inspired them for god’s sake.

Pass me the remote, Curb Your Enthusiasm’s on, the laughing will work my stomach muscles...

I Am Still Alive

It has been several days since the new roommate moved in and so far he has not tried to chop me up into bits. I take this as a very good sign. I told my mother that she had nothing to worry about because he is black. And statistically black men are not serial killers. They just aren’t. It’s the shifty white guys you have to worry about. They’ll hack you up before the second course. You’ve seen the movies, you know what I am talking about.

So without a mass murderer moving in things have been pretty uneventful around these here parts. The biggest thing I’ve done lately is download the whole season of ‘Ugly Betty’. That’s like 24 hours of TV I have to watch. How cute is this show? I mean really? How did I miss it this last year? I don’t know. I just get way too over-committed to TV shows and sometimes I have to cut some loose. Thank god for websites that allow me to download the entire seasons of shows that I’ve missed.

I’m not really sure how these websites work. All I know for sure is that they probably are totally illegal and are definitely accessed primarily by people looking for porn. Because no matter what you search for there is always something porn-y you can download as well. God love the internet.

Besides ‘Ugly Betty’ I haven’t been watching much TV this summer, nothing really strikes my interest. A friend of mine invited me over to a ‘So You Think You Can Dance?’ viewing party tonight. And by viewing party I mean 5 of us sitting around playing ‘So You Think You Have The Right To Critique Dancing Just Because You’ve Watched Every Season of Dancing With The Stars?’ It’s a fun game, you should try it.

Tonight one couple was supposed to do a samba dance. After the dance I said, “Well, that was good, but it wasn’t a samba.” My friend said, “How do you know?” I said, “Excuse me, I watch ‘Dancing with the Stars’, I know me a samba when I see it.” And then like three seconds later one of the judges said, “That was a good performance, but that wasn’t a samba.” Ha! I am so informed. I know my ballroom dances.

‘So You Think You Can Play Off Of Dancing With The Stars’ Popularity?’ is okay, but it’s hardly as good as my ‘Dancing with the Stars’. However, I must say that my friends’ commentary does boost ‘SYTYCD’s’ watchability exponentially. Their commentary is almost as entertaining as the random ass celebrities that sit in the audience for every taping of Dancing with the Stars. Why are Florence Henderson and Lisa Loeb sitting next to each other, cheering on Layla Ali? Why not?! And have you been wondering what Jane Seymour has been up to lately? Well, wonder no more, she is sitting in the audience at Dancing with the Stars tapings. Her agent is awesome.

Another thing that is awesome? Apparently tomorrow night there is another edition of ‘So You Wanna Dance With Somebody?’ It’s the elimination show. And you know what they do on the elimination show? Wait for it. A Dance-Off. Yeah. And! And! The name of the Dance-Off is Dance for Your Life. My god. Hollywood. A town of geniuses. And a lot of out of work actors.

Geography

http://www.pibmug.com/files/map_test.swf

My mother sent me the above link today in an e-mail. It is a geography test in which you drag the names of all the states to their location on the U.S. map. Yeah. I honestly knew 8 of the states. That’s not even a joke. That is very very sad. What went wrong in my education? Shouldn’t I know these? You know what’s weird? I think I could probably name and place all the European countries just fine. But then again there are not as many of them, and lets face it - Italy is a hell of a lot cooler than Nebraska. No offense to Nebraska.

You know what else happened today? The Fall TV season officially kicked off. And my Tivo is officially already tired. I looked at it this evening and I had like 6 shows I had to watch just from today. Good lord that is going to take some time. Summer months are my most productive months because I don’t have 20 hours of TV I have to watch every week. Watching TV is like a part-time job. One that I’m much better at than my full-time job, I might add.

And then if you look at my geography test scores and my TV watching time I think that it becomes very apparent why I don’t know where Nebraska is on the map. I was too busy watching TV to study stupid school things. And can I just tell you (no offense to Nebraska again) but I have gotten by just fine in life not knowing where 40 of the states are. Could I have gotten by as well if I didn’t know who the Huxtables were? Or, god forbid, Brenda and Brandon Walsh? I think no. I would have been a social outcast.

Sitting around telling people where the states are while they talked about how Dylan cheated on Brenda while she was in France. I’m sorry, but Brenda never would have gone to Nebraska, so there was no need to know. France though, France I went ahead and made a mental note about. That and the mental note to never date a troubled rebel on a motorcycle. Especially if he looked as old as Luke Perry did while he was still supposedly in high school. Receding hairlines are a dead give-away for a deadbeat high school senior.

It’s BAAAAAAACK

Dude. It is slightly unhealthy how much I love ‘Dancing with the Stars’. I really can’t get enough of this show. And what started as a guilty pleasure a couple seasons ago is now just a pleasure. I really like this show and think it has managed to pull itself out of the completely cheeseball category that it was in for the first season or two. But then again, there is a very good possibility that I might have just gotten used to the cheeseball and have in fact become a cheeseball myself. Actually now that I think about it the show really hasn’t changed at all - there are still the horrible cover songs and the C-list actors and the SEQUINS! So yeah. I’m the cheeseball.

But I’m okay with that.

I seriously love this show. Although I’m wondering why it is that they can’t get bigger stars to come on. I don’t really know who any of the women are that are supposedly “famous”. Besides Vivica A. Fox I couldn’t tell you anything about any of the other girls. I’m not one to point out failing careers, but would it kill Jennifer Grey’s agent to try to get her on this show? Could you even imagine? Oh, that’s almost too much to even dream of.

It’s only the first week of the show, and everyone seems to be a lot better than they usually are at this stage. This is because they’ve had 6 FRIGGIN’ WEEKS to train. What? You know how many things I could do well if I took six friggin’ weeks to train for them? Wasn’t part of the fun watching these people learn how to dance over the weeks? Guess not.

I have my top three already for the show:

Joey Lawrence. If there is some way he could grow his hair out before next week I think he’d have a much easier time getting votes. He looks creepy and white supremacist/bad guy on a Lifetime movie-ish and that is taking away from his good dancing. Also, if the hair thing doesn’t work out by next week, I at least want to see him make an effort to come out with sleeves on his damn shirt. The lack of sleeves is not helping his efforts to look unincarcerated.

Mario Lopez. I have had a crush on Mario since back in the AC Slater days. It’s the dimples. I’m a sucker for dimples. And given his frequent flashing of them, I’m thinking I’m not the only one who enjoys the dimples. The dimples alone were enough to get my vote, but my man Mario can move. And unlike Joey, I recommend Mario wear as little clothes as possible while dancing.

Emmitt Smith. Can we just give a big hurrah to the producers of this DANCING show for finally finding a black man who can dance? God lord. Last season they were able to find the only two uncoordinated black men in the country (Master P and Jerry Rice) and I believe those two men did a disservice to the entire race with their horrendous dancing. Emmitt not only knows how to dance but he also knows how to make dancing look like something that is more fun than a colonoscopy. That is a feat P and Rice couldn’t quite get.

So there you go. Way too much information about a show none of you are probably watching, because none of you are probably as big a dork as I am. Oh well. Maybe if I watched something besides Dirty Dancing for the better part of a decade things might have been different.