Balleting with Scissors

I think I might not be fully understanding live productions lately. You remember my difficulty with trying to figure out what was so Siberian or Orchesta-ian about the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. This weekend I saw another live performance that baffled me so. It was “Edward Scissorhands - The Musical”. At least I thought it was going to be a musical. Silly me and my assumptions of what theater is going to be.

When we got into the lobby of the theater I went to get the hearing devices that I always get when I go to the theater. (Sidenote to people handing out the hearing devices: Yes, I understand that I am young and I understand that statistically my age group doesn’t come up to you for hearing devices very often. But please. I’m not playing a joke on you. I’m not getting the device for someone else who should probably be picking it up themselves so that they can be told how the device works. I’m just me. And I can’t hear. Also sidenote to my sidenote: Old people, stop cutting in the Return the Hearing Device line. I know you don’t believe that I’m actually in the line, but if someone is standing at what appears to be a line, then on the whole they are usually standing in said line, even if said line is made up primarily of 83 year old people. Thank you all.)

So I go to the Hearing Device Hander-Outer Girl and she says, “The show doesn’t have any speaking or singing, so you probably don’t need the hearing device.” I was confused.

“What else is there besides speaking or singing?”

“It’s a ballet.”

“Edward Scissorhands, the ballet?”

“Yes. There is music too.”

“Huh.”

And then I really didn’t stop being confused for the whole rest of the show. First of all, why on earth would theater producers decide to turn Edward friggin’ Scissorhands into a Broadway show? Then, if I’m going with you on the creative possibilities that could be found in adapting the movie for the stage, then why why why why why would you think it a good idea to do the entire thing as a ballet? Who is smoking what and can I have some of it?

As I was watching the ballet I actually started to get annoyed, because I could, in the time I was sitting there, come up with several really great ways to turn that story into a cool musical. And I could even think up big musical numbers about a boy who feels out of place in the world and who just wants to belong, but dammit he has scissors for hands. There is even a love story between him and a beautiful girl who can’t get passed the whole scissor for hands thing. Oh, the possibilities! But noooooo. We have to watch people twirl around for two hours. And they don’t even twirl that well.

I confused.