Trans-Confusion Orchestra

Okay. So I went to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra the other night. And I’m confused.

First of all, I’m pretty sure they aren’t from Siberia, and they aren’t an orchestra. This is really the most confusing part to me. I had heard of Tran-Siberian Orchestra, and you probably have too, they play that one big instrumental song that you hear every Christmas, it’s sounds like a huge orchestra playing a familiar Christmas song and it’s loud and powerful and awesome. So when a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra play I said sure, because I really liked that one song and I’m a sucker for big orchestras full of instruments.

Then we got to the arena and there was a 98 Rock van outside, broadcasting live from the parking lot. Hmmm. 98 Rock is not exactly the radio station I would expect to be broadcasting from a orchestra show, it’s the hard rock station in the area. I’m thinking an orchestra might be a better fit for the light rock stations.

Then we get inside and the show starts and instead of an orchestra the band onstage is like 10 violin players, a drummer, two keyboard players and three electric guitar players. That combination does not a orchestra make. Hello, where are the trumpets? And maybe a flute or two?

And then this one dude starts telling us a story. In rhyme. It’s a poem really. But a really long one. And it’s all about peace and love and other holiday crap. And then he takes breaks in his poem/story thing and they play huge rock-style versions of Christmas songs. With lots of rock-style showmanship and loudness.

I am now beginning to understand the 98 Rock van outside.

And then the leaders of the band talk to us about who knows what and not one of them sounds even remotely Siberian. They sound like they are from Jersey or something.

I’m confused. There is smoke and lights and rocker guys with long hair and fiddler girls wearing short skirts and they are all head banging sorta. And they are all very impressed with their rock and roll-ness.

I don’t really get it. I think I would be okay with it if the name wasn’t so confusing. I don’t think of light shows when I think of Siberia.

And then there is this lady sitting next to me. She’s gotta be in her mid-50's if not older. And she cannot sit still, cannot just watch the show. She is looking all over the place, checking everyone out instead of watching the show. Eating popcorn, passing popcorn around, drinking her beer, talking to her friends. THEN this 50-something year old woman starts text messaging on what looks like a T-mobile Sidekick. And she doesn’t stop text messaging for like an hour. Because apparently this 55 year old woman needs to tell her BFF all about the Trans-Jersey Band. And then, after she gets bored with that, she decides to take a nap. I swear to god this woman just fell asleep for like two hours through the loudest music I’ve ever heard (and I actually heard it, I took my hearing aides out because the music was making them nearly explode).

I really was very confused by the entire evening. It was the longest concert ever and it ended with the LEAD SINGER OF THE BEST BAND EVER - YES!!! I put this in all caps because apparently this is very exciting to the thousands of people at the concert. Me? Not so much. I don’t think I was even alive when Yes was a big band.

But I bet the lady next to me was. Imagine the exciting text she could have sent her BFF. If only she had woken up for the finale.

Here are some videos of the Trans-American Group of Pretentious Rockers: