Fun with Toys

So I had to get my hearing aide adjusted the other day. And I'm sitting in the waiting room. And I pick up a magazine. And I start reading it. And I'm like, "Why is this font so out of control?" Then I flip to the front cover and I see that I am reading a Reader's Digest (a 2001 issue) that is LARGE PRINT. Ya know, cause I'm in a HEARING AIDE place. And usually those with hearing aides are of the age that also requires large print. Whatever.

I caught up on 2001 and thought I'd steer clear of the 1999 People magazine. Instead I picked up the 2007 Holiday catalog from Sears:

I flipped through and I got to the toy section. And then I prayed for our poor country in 40 years when it's being run by the idiots playing with these ridiculous toys today. Here are some of my favorites:

First Kenmore Toys! Hot damn. If this doesn't scream fun-filled childhood, I just don't know what does! My first Kenmore sink and wash machine? Really? Why not just point the kids to the REAL Kenmore wash machine and at least get some chores out of the way while they are having good old times with appliances?

Hmmm. Perhaps we shouldn't point Jr. towards the real version of this toy. My First Craftsman Chainsaw? Sweet Mary. Is this to go along with My First Dismembering of an Accidental Homicide?

Wow. A touch screen ATM machine. Somewhere there is a pile of piggy banks weeping in obsolete depression.


This is really one of my favorites. It's a Smart Cycle. "A workout for both brain and body!" But then that line is followed by "Plug into you TV..." Anything that involves "Plug into your TV..." is not going to be a workout for your mind and most definitely not your body. Please. Remember when kids went OUTSIDE to ride bikes? Wasn't that a fun time? Here is what is printed on the description:

Holds up to 200 lbs. Ages 3 to 6. Um. Yeah. So if your 3-6 year old is 200 pounds I'm thinking that you are going to need a little more help than just the Smart Cycle. Sweet Mary, GO OUTSIDE AND RUN AROUND ONCE IN AWHILE!! Kids these days...

Good God. McDonald's Drive Thru Food Cart. Really? Has it come to this? First of all, can I just comment on how uncreative we are making the next generation of children? I mean, kids are able to take a box and a piece of ribbon and make an entire universe in their little brains. These friggin toys that have everything already made up for them are for the uncreative parents, not for the kids. Give your kids some crayons and some construction paper and they will be able to make up everything they could ever need to play happy. Four chairs and an old sheet and the kid will be in a midevil castle for 10 hours. And if they are going to play Drive Thru Window, at least make them build the drive thru or something, because when you just hand them the drive thru window and tell them to play, all you are really doing is putting career options in their heads. And that can't be your intention.

Nevermind. Let them play drive thru, hell fill out the drive thru application for them, just please keep them away from this god awful toy. Do you think the little boy is down low hoping the young starlet isn't wearing panties?

Dream big kids, dream big.