My Tivo is Possessed

So I got the Tivo a few weeks ago, hoping that it would tape all the wonders of November sweeps while I was gone in a foreign country that is not lucky enough to having November sweeps. (How do people live like that? Do you suppose there is an international volunteer organization that brings television to poor nations? There really should be, it’s a shame to see people suffer like that.)

Anywho, when I got back from said foreign land, ready to embrace my Tivo and all the wonderful programming it held for me, I found that my Tivo held very little. Because of an (my) error, the Tivo only taped about a third of what it should have. There were tears, screaming out to the gods, and other equally rational behaviors.

And I think the gods heard me. Because now the Tivo is going recording crazy. It records EVERYTHING. Every time I walk into my room the Tivo’s little red recording light is on, trying to make the whole November sweeps debacle up to me. Those of you (sad people) who don’t own a Tivo might not know that the Tivo has this little feature wherein it makes note of the shows that you are taping and then searches for other shows that you might be interested in, based on your taping preferences.

First of all, does this seem a little too Big Brother for anyone else? I feel so self conscious when I set the Tivo to tape a show. I wonder what kind of mental notes the machine is making about me and if it is judging my choice in television entertainment. I feel like maybe I should tape that cheesy Amy Grant show ‘Three Wishes’ every week, just so it thinks I’m a good person.
This paranoia did not come out of nowhere. The other night I was watching ‘Sex and the City’ and I gave the show three thumbs up, to let Tivo know that I liked it. The next day, I kid you friggin’ not, Tivo recorded ‘The 700 Club’ and ‘7th Heaven’. Are you familiar with these shows? ‘The 700 Club’ is hosted by Pat Robertson, the Crazy Christian Guy who makes Normal Christian People look like Charles Manson in comparison to his racist, homophobic, short-sighted, hate-spewing ass. And 7th Heaven is about a preacher and a his family. I think. I don’t really know. All I really know is that my Tivo is trying to cleanse my soul of the impurities I’ve seen on ‘Sex and the City’ by offering me religious programming.

It also seems as though my Tivo is a little confused. When I look at the shows it’s taped I see the following: Good Times, Saved by the Bell: The College Years, Nip/Tuck, The 700 Club, Friends, Will & Grace, The Andy Griffith Show, The View, 7th Heaven...and the list goes on and on. What the? I do not understand a Tivo that thinks I would like both ‘Nip/Tuck’ and ‘The 700 Club’. Anyone who believes the crap they are spewing on ‘The 700 Club’ would be afraid of being struck down by God himself if they even thought about watching ‘Nip/Tuck’.

One thing we can all agree on though: Saved by the Bell rocks.