Confusing Ad

So I’m flipping through my magazine tonight, catching up on all the exciting things that happened in 2006, and I see an ad. I am confused by it. It’s got a picture of a river, with a city built on either side and then on the bottom of the ad it says “More than 65,000 drivers have accidents every year while leaving parking spaces.” And I’m looking at the river and trying to figure out what the hell it has to do with parking spaces. And then I look up and see that there is a car flying out of a parking garage, headed toward the river I spoke of earlier.

Here is the ad:

I am confused by this.

Is the guy throwing himself into the water because he ran into someone’s car while leaving his parking space? Is he leaving his parking space and took a wrong turn that lead him to his current location? Is he just deciding to end it all because he is apparently driving a car circa Dukes of Hazzard?

These are all questions that I felt needed answers. So it says at the bottom of the ad, “See how this accident happened at Allstate.com/crash." So I go there. Because apparently I’m a complete loser with nothing to do but follow up on confusing magazine ads. (This is something that might be treatable by the many drugs being advertised in the magazine. I’ll read their 5 pages of fine print and see if there is anything in there about curing my dorkiness.)

When I get to the Allstate website I see a commercial that has some sort of car chase (involving 1970's cars for some reason) that ends in one of the cars going off of this huge parking garage. And then That Guy That Played The President On 24 says, “Now would be a good time to have accident forgiveness. Are you in good hands?”

HUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH??????

Who is Allstate offering to forgive exactly? And do you really think that the dude who is being chased by the other dude (and apparently has done something bad enough to get the other dude to chase him) is really thinking, “Man I sure hope my insurance premiums don’t go up as a result of this high-speed chase that I’m involved in right now and that is going to cause my car to plummet 20 stories into a river in just a moment.”

Uh, no.

Holiday Recap

Well y’all, it’s officially over. We have all survived the holidays. Some of us are a little heavier than when we began this great season, but that is what Jesus would want. He always enjoyed chocolate, I’ve heard.

I had a lovely holiday weekend with my family. On Christmas Eve I made my parents dinner to celebrate the season, it was the best food ever. And, yes, by “made” I mean “we went to a restaurant and someone else made it”. But really that is the close as I come to preparing a meal, and I think we all know it is better that way. These are the holidays people, there is no need to risk food poisoning on Jesus’ birthday.

Then on Christmas we ate some more and proceeded to play about 18 hours straight of Family Cranium. By “family” they mean “kinda remedial” because it is meant to be easy enough for kids to play. There was only one kid playing with us. By the end of the evening all the adults said, “Lord, don’t get the adult version, we’d never get anything right.” The kid and I were on a team against my mom and her sister. My mom and her sister are what you would call the analytical type. Me and the kid are a little more on the creative side. My mom and her sister spent roughly 30 minutes trying to find a “Creative Cat” card that they could successfully complete. They did not appreciate the fact that me and the kid only took about 2 seconds to complete one. These grown women resorted to name-calling and physical violence many times. Which makes the whole thing just like most holiday celebrations.

Now I must tell you about the greatest holiday celebration of all. Everyone gather ‘round as I tell the tale.

Every year my mom’s side of the family gets together before Christmas for a holiday gathering. This year my aunt said, “Hey, you know there is a great buffet down at the Indian casino...we could just go there instead of cooking a huge meal, then we could come back to the house for presents.” We put it to a family vote (at which I proclaimed “Hell Yeah!”) and it was unanimously decided that eating-all-we-can was a great way for us to celebrate the Christ’s birth.

So we went to a casino for Christmas.

Awesome.

Even more awesome was that fact that I had three quarters in my pocket and I put them into a slot machine and won $30 while I was waiting for the family celebration to begin. God bless us everyone.

Guest Blog

Someone posted this as a comment on my blog yesterday and I thought it was pretty funny. And I don't have anything nearly as clever to say myself, so here ya go:

-------------

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR! -- From us ('the wishor') to you (hereinafter 'the wishee'),

Please accept no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all…and a materialistically successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "AMERICA" in the western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that: this greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal; This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged; This implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others; This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor; This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first; The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor; Any references in this greeting to 'the Lord', 'Father Christmas', 'Our Saviour', or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged. Any and all disputes arising out of this holiday greeting shall be resolved by arbitration, under the auspices of the Holiday Dispute Resolution Panel. The Holiday Dispute Resolution Panel is a not-for-profit, non-denominational, non-secular, non-sectarian, nonjudgmental, disinterested, asexual, non-sequitur body of independent, unaffiliated persons and non-persons.

Tis the Season

I changed the layout of my blog. Damn Blogger has been all up on me for months to change over to the new blogger. So I finally did. I am hesitant to change over to newer versions of things because a lot of times they have bugs. And I do not have the patience to deal with bugs. I want things to work the way I want them to work, I do not want them to freeze up and die because some computer dork somewhere decided something needed to be “upgraded”. And by “upgrade” he meant “add more bugs”.

So then. I updated to the new version of blogger. So far it’s only frozen 4 times. Not bad.

And then I changed the template of the blog, cause I’m wacky like that. I do not want to admit how long I just spent changing the template. As if this change really had some sort of impact on my life. I tried out several and settled on this one. I almost went with one that said it was “rose” colored, but in too many parts it was actually “pink” colored. And I don’t think I’m quite ready for a pink blog. I’ve just recently made my way out of my all black/all the time phase, so we may be years away from the embracing of pink. I’ll keep you updated.

Other than that there is very little news to report. I’ve still made pretty much no headway on my Christmas shopping. That’s okay, right? I actually had to kill some time while a friend and I waited for a movie last night and we made the grave mistake of wandering into Walmart. Wow. That is sure an interesting place to wander a week before Christmas. At one point my friend looked at me (while I was pushing a button on a dancing, singing hamster/maybe squirrel thing and dancing along with it) and he said, “Do you realize you are the only person smiling in this whole store? No one is happy here.” “Well, that’s because these hamster/maybe squirrel things are not out in a more obvious place where people can play with them. I mean, it’s singing Macho Macho Man. And he has chest hair!”

I dunno people. I want to be holly and jolly, I do, but it’s all so manufactured. I LOVE buying presents for people and giving people gifts, it is so much fun. But this time of year is the only time of year where you can hand someone a gift and actually make them feel bad, because they didn’t get you one, or they didn’t get you as good a one, or whatever. There is something wrong about that.

But there is something right about giving people a singing hamster/maybe squirrel, so everyone on my list is getting one of those. That will gaurantee that no one feels bad when I hand them a gift this season.

The Dollar Store

The making of the ChrisKwanziKah Cap was quite an undertaking. It involved a trip to the dollar store. And we all know what an undertaking that is. So much good stuff! Only a dollar! We wandered the store, looking for a the perfect combination of all our holidays, something that would bring the spirit to every man, woman and child. And can I just tell you that the Christmas spirit is a much easier spirit to find than the other holidays? Seriously, how do people get to be in their 30's or 40's and have never heard of the word “menorah”? I don’t get it. I get that they aren’t Jewish, and that is fine, but how are they so far removed from the world that they don’t even know what a damn menorah is? I’m amazed by this every holiday season, when I go out in search of a menorah with which to mock religious holidays. Geez, people are so insensitive to other traditions.

We looked for things that could represent all the holidays and be combined into one glorious product. Needless to say I was throwing a lot of stuff into the cart. These were three of my favorites that we didn’t end up using, ribbons for every holiday:

Christmas:

Kwanzaa:

Hanukkah:

I will leave all interpretations up to you.

Oh, and another deal we found at the dollar store?

10 WHOLE LIGHTS FOR ONLY A DOLLAR!! Wow. You only have to buy like 4000 of these to cover your tree. What a deal.

ChrisKwanziKah Time Again!!

It's time for a new ChrisKwanziKah video.

Are you ready?

First, here is a recap of ChrisKwanziKah Past:

The song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7bWqtx8Cwk


The outtakes:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mlS_aUyWxC0


And now.

I present to you...ChrisKwanziKah!! 2006!!

Operators are standing by.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nSHHwgfHoUw



Behind the Scenes (actually funnier than the informercial):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoJxMwaCw7c


Merry Happy ChrisKwanziKah to you all, and to all a good night (with candles on your head).

Doubt

I don’t really have anything to blog about today. Let me see what I can ramble on about, shall we? We shall.

It is now officially the middle of December. I haven’t really gotten much closer to accepting that it actually is December. But I have accepted that it is the month to get together with people and eat food. That much I’m on board with. In fact, as I’ve mentioned before, I don’t really have to even get together with people to eat the food. I’m that holly and jolly, I just eat the holiday food whenever, wherever.

Christmas is in like a week. Maybe I should like wrap a present or something. Or buy a present. That might be a good first step. All I’ve really done is unwrap the gift bags of chocolate I made. This is not a step in the right direction.

I saw a play the other day. It was called “Doubt”. It was in San Francisco. It ran on Broadway for quite awhile and the lead actress, Cherry Jones, who won a Tony on Broadway for her role, came out here to be in the SF production. I really enjoyed the play. It was simple in staging, only four actors, minimal sets. But it was far from simple in story. As a writer I tend to relish the words of things, whether they are lyrics to a song or dialogue in a movie or play. I thought the words of this play were amazing.

So I looked up the playwright’s information in the playbill. In his bio John Patrick Shanley was sarcastic about his background and seemed to not take himself too seriously. He also included an e-mail address, which seemed random. So I thought, what the hell. I e-mailed him and said that I enjoyed his play, that it made me want to write drama, that someday I would do something amazing and he should know that at one point he inspired me to want to be a better writer. I also said that it was a good possibility that I was sending an e-mail to a made-up address, and I hope he got a kick out of the fact that I apparently have quite a bit of time on my hands.

And he wrote me back. This man, who won has won a Tony, the Pulitzer and an Academy Award (not to mention he directed Joe Versus the Volcano(he’d probably rather I not mention it)), wrote me back to say thanks for the comments and that he looked forward to seeing my name in lights someday. How cool is John Patrick Shanley? Very cool. And how sad is it that a Tony/Pulitzer/Academy award winner can safely put his e-mail in a playbill because no one probably even bothers to look at his info?

It’s an interesting thing.

Someday, when my name is in those lights, I’ll do the same. And I too will write back to the one random wannabe who relished my words and realized the actors didn’t just make them up right there on the stage.

Nuckin' Futs

I got nothing today.

But this is hilarious:

Nuckin' Futs! The JibJab Year in Review Send To Friends Funny Animations at JibJab

Chocolate

I have way too much chocolate in my house right now. It is not a good thing.

Remember that weight I lost in Guatemala? 10 pounds? Yeah, I’ve put it all back on. In fact, I think I might have even gained back more than 10 pounds. I do not think that the chocolate in my house is helping matters at all.

Yesterday I went to See’s Candy to buy some more chocolate to complete some gift bag things I’m putting together for clients. (Let’s just say that my intention was for the gift bag things to only include the turtle things I ordered from New Orleans. And then let’s just say there will not be enough of them left to make anything resembling a decent gift bag. And then I don’t really think we have to say that I am a weak sad person who cannot be trusted with turtles.) My parents went with me too, to pick up some chocolate for another family member’s business clients. Basically we bought a lot of chocolate. 300 bucks worth actually. That is a lot of money to spend on chocolate.

And we were far from the only people dropping hundreds of dollars on chocolate either. It was packed in that place. In the middle of a workday. The people who work there were literally just opening new boxes full of inventory and handing it to customers, not even putting it on the shelf. People are crazy during the holidays, really.

I took this picture in the parking lot of See’s Candy. That is the wrapper of one of the 2 pound boxes of chocolate. Someone had no interest in giving said box as a present. They were much more interested in busting open the box right there in the parking lot. Littering laws be damned! There is chocolate to be eaten!

I understand this person’s plight. I am, at this very moment, sitting a mere ten feet from several bags full of arguably the best chocolate in California and New Orleans. I must be strong. I should be strong. But we all know I will not be strong.

I might have to plan a trip to Guatemala in January to get rid of this holiday weight...

Balleting with Scissors

I think I might not be fully understanding live productions lately. You remember my difficulty with trying to figure out what was so Siberian or Orchesta-ian about the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. This weekend I saw another live performance that baffled me so. It was “Edward Scissorhands - The Musical”. At least I thought it was going to be a musical. Silly me and my assumptions of what theater is going to be.

When we got into the lobby of the theater I went to get the hearing devices that I always get when I go to the theater. (Sidenote to people handing out the hearing devices: Yes, I understand that I am young and I understand that statistically my age group doesn’t come up to you for hearing devices very often. But please. I’m not playing a joke on you. I’m not getting the device for someone else who should probably be picking it up themselves so that they can be told how the device works. I’m just me. And I can’t hear. Also sidenote to my sidenote: Old people, stop cutting in the Return the Hearing Device line. I know you don’t believe that I’m actually in the line, but if someone is standing at what appears to be a line, then on the whole they are usually standing in said line, even if said line is made up primarily of 83 year old people. Thank you all.)

So I go to the Hearing Device Hander-Outer Girl and she says, “The show doesn’t have any speaking or singing, so you probably don’t need the hearing device.” I was confused.

“What else is there besides speaking or singing?”

“It’s a ballet.”

“Edward Scissorhands, the ballet?”

“Yes. There is music too.”

“Huh.”

And then I really didn’t stop being confused for the whole rest of the show. First of all, why on earth would theater producers decide to turn Edward friggin’ Scissorhands into a Broadway show? Then, if I’m going with you on the creative possibilities that could be found in adapting the movie for the stage, then why why why why why would you think it a good idea to do the entire thing as a ballet? Who is smoking what and can I have some of it?

As I was watching the ballet I actually started to get annoyed, because I could, in the time I was sitting there, come up with several really great ways to turn that story into a cool musical. And I could even think up big musical numbers about a boy who feels out of place in the world and who just wants to belong, but dammit he has scissors for hands. There is even a love story between him and a beautiful girl who can’t get passed the whole scissor for hands thing. Oh, the possibilities! But noooooo. We have to watch people twirl around for two hours. And they don’t even twirl that well.

I confused.

Alarm

It's Friday. That is a good thing.

I have mucho work to do. That is a bad thing.

I have nothing to blog about today (aka: I didn't go into any public bathrooms today and take pictures - I know, I've let you down)

So I give you a video of how Americans announce themselves in Guatemala:

Sushi Place Randomness

I went to sushi tonight with a friend and we went to this trendy place in town. I like the sushi there, but I’m not a huge fan of how cool everyone thinks they are just because they are eating sushi there. I refuse to go there Thursday thru Saturday, because everyone is even more annoying on those days.

One sign of the pretentiousness of this place? They have ads in their menu. This is ridiculous. I took pictures. My friend died a small death when I whipped out the camera and took flash photography of the menu, but she’s known me long enough to be used to being at least sorta embarrassed every time we hang out. It’s kinda a tradition.
Really. Do we need to have Real Estate ads next to the children’s menu? I think no.

This is one of my favorites. It’s got a bunch of smiling people who owe their fabulous smiles to this one dentist guy, “God, everyone in this restaurant has better teeth than I do, I wish there was something I could do about that- oh look! Here’s a guy who can help me! Right next to my sushi rolls!”

And then.

I went into the bathroom.

I might have issues with taking photos in the bathroom. It’s something I might want to deal with at some point. This time I’ve actually graduated to taking video in the bathroom - I need help.

I was going to just take a picture, but I wanted you to fully appreciate what I was trying to show you. But then I was so paranoid about someone walking in I took the fastest video ever and you can’t even really tell what you are looking at. So I’ll explain it.

There is a bathroom. It has two stalls and a couple of sinks. It is a very tiny bathroom. And yet. It still has a huge exit sign by the door. What? Were there people just going into the bathroom and never coming out because they couldn’t figure out how to maneuver their way out of this very tricky bathroom? “Uh, there are three doors in here. But I think only one leads back to the restaurant. I’ll try this one first- Oh damnit! It’s a toilet. How about this one- Geez! Foiled again! If only they would post some sort of SIGN, preferably with LIGHTS, that would save me so much time in here.”

My favorite part of this video is the part where I hear a noise and quickly try to hide the camera from whoever might be entering the bathroom. See, I’m not completely crazy, I know enough to hide the camera if I’m taking videos in the bathroom...

My New Favorite Thing

People. I need to tell you something. And I need you to listen. I do not get excited about many things. It is simply not in my nature. You might have noticed. Maybe the whole “I hate December” might have given you a clue.

But I am excited.

Today at work I turned to a girl who was on my Guatemalan trip and said, “Oh my God, do you know what is going to be waiting for me when I get home?!”

And she said, “Those turtle things from New Orleans?”

And then I said, “Did I tell you I ordered them?”

And she said, “No, I could just tell by the sound of your voice.”

See. I found this candy store in New Orleans, or it found me really. It is called Southern Candymakers and it very well may be the key to happiness here on earth. It may also be the key to a fat ass, but if happiness comes with a fat ass, so be it.

We were wandering the streets of New Orleans, on our first night in town, and we wandered past a candy store. It had a window facing the street, and in that window the candymakers were making candy, candy of the caramel persuasion. This literally stopped me in my tracks, I turned around and went into the store. This will go down in my history as one of my smarter moves. To describe what I found inside is really beyond my feeble abilities as a writer. It smelled like I know in my heart heaven will smell. Sugar and chocolate and just general wonder and goodness.

It was on that first night that I had my first Tortue, as they call it. I call them Turtles. And I’m not sure where the hell either name came from, but all I know for sure is they are friggin amazing. Oh my good lord. They have walnuts or pecans, or some other nut that is really insignificant in the scheme of things, then they have THE BEST CARAMEL I have ever had. And let’s just say that I’ve had some caramel. Then they have milk chocolate on top. And some are then completely dipped in milk chocolate in addition to that. I went back every day to that candy store and got two more Turtle/Tortue things. And they made me so happy.

What made me even happier was when I asked, “Do you guys deliver?” and they said, “Here is our color catalogue, we deliver everywhere.”

Yes, Timmy, there is a Santa Clause.

And he came to my house today.

As soon as I got home from traveling I went online and ordered several pounds of these Turtles to give in little gift baskets I’m making for my clients to say thank you for paying me money and perhaps maybe encourage them to pay me more money next year too...look chocolate! I ordered 5 pounds and then in an e-mail conversation with the store I asked how many come in a pound. They said about 12 come in a pound. I did the math and figured out that, based on the number of turtles I was planning on using in each gift basket, I was going to have just the right amount. So I ordered two more pounds. Cause, really, what are the odds I’m going to make it through making gift baskets and not actually eating any? Please. I already ate two.

Really, these things are amazing. I need you people to know this. I wish I could send one to all of you. Well, I wish I could send a whole pound to all of you, because honestly sending just one would be kinda mean.

Here is a picture of me expressing my love for the turtles:

Please note at the beginning of this blog that I mentioned a conversation that I had with a girl who joined me in Guatemala. She wasn’t in New Orleans. But she still knew the special tone of my voice that I use when describing the turtles. I might have talked about them in a teensy bit of detail while in Guatemala. Guatemala cuisine might have left me longing for the wonder that was only to be found in Southern Candymakers.

Here you see that the turtles have really brought some much needed spirit to the Christmas decorations:

This is the kind of thing that can make even me holly and jolly.

Trans-Confusion Orchestra

Okay. So I went to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra the other night. And I’m confused.

First of all, I’m pretty sure they aren’t from Siberia, and they aren’t an orchestra. This is really the most confusing part to me. I had heard of Tran-Siberian Orchestra, and you probably have too, they play that one big instrumental song that you hear every Christmas, it’s sounds like a huge orchestra playing a familiar Christmas song and it’s loud and powerful and awesome. So when a friend of mine asked if I wanted to go see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra play I said sure, because I really liked that one song and I’m a sucker for big orchestras full of instruments.

Then we got to the arena and there was a 98 Rock van outside, broadcasting live from the parking lot. Hmmm. 98 Rock is not exactly the radio station I would expect to be broadcasting from a orchestra show, it’s the hard rock station in the area. I’m thinking an orchestra might be a better fit for the light rock stations.

Then we get inside and the show starts and instead of an orchestra the band onstage is like 10 violin players, a drummer, two keyboard players and three electric guitar players. That combination does not a orchestra make. Hello, where are the trumpets? And maybe a flute or two?

And then this one dude starts telling us a story. In rhyme. It’s a poem really. But a really long one. And it’s all about peace and love and other holiday crap. And then he takes breaks in his poem/story thing and they play huge rock-style versions of Christmas songs. With lots of rock-style showmanship and loudness.

I am now beginning to understand the 98 Rock van outside.

And then the leaders of the band talk to us about who knows what and not one of them sounds even remotely Siberian. They sound like they are from Jersey or something.

I’m confused. There is smoke and lights and rocker guys with long hair and fiddler girls wearing short skirts and they are all head banging sorta. And they are all very impressed with their rock and roll-ness.

I don’t really get it. I think I would be okay with it if the name wasn’t so confusing. I don’t think of light shows when I think of Siberia.

And then there is this lady sitting next to me. She’s gotta be in her mid-50's if not older. And she cannot sit still, cannot just watch the show. She is looking all over the place, checking everyone out instead of watching the show. Eating popcorn, passing popcorn around, drinking her beer, talking to her friends. THEN this 50-something year old woman starts text messaging on what looks like a T-mobile Sidekick. And she doesn’t stop text messaging for like an hour. Because apparently this 55 year old woman needs to tell her BFF all about the Trans-Jersey Band. And then, after she gets bored with that, she decides to take a nap. I swear to god this woman just fell asleep for like two hours through the loudest music I’ve ever heard (and I actually heard it, I took my hearing aides out because the music was making them nearly explode).

I really was very confused by the entire evening. It was the longest concert ever and it ended with the LEAD SINGER OF THE BEST BAND EVER - YES!!! I put this in all caps because apparently this is very exciting to the thousands of people at the concert. Me? Not so much. I don’t think I was even alive when Yes was a big band.

But I bet the lady next to me was. Imagine the exciting text she could have sent her BFF. If only she had woken up for the finale.

Here are some videos of the Trans-American Group of Pretentious Rockers:

Again, With the Target

“Uh, do you wanna go by Target real quick? I need to pick up some shampoo.”

“Sure.”

This is a very bad exchange between a friend and I. $150 out of my bank account and she had her shampoo. Have I mentioned that Target is evil?

First of all, who goes to Target for shampoo? That should have been my first clue, and I should have just said, “Let’s go to the grocery store instead.” Because there is only food at the grocery store, and a lot of it has to be cooked and stuff, so we all know there isn’t a real big threat of me overspending there. But noooooo. I said yes to going to Target. Bad idea.

Worse idea to pick up a basket and really think that I was going to make it out of Target with so few and so small of items that a hand held basket would be sufficient. When will I learn? Not anytime soon, I imagine. I should have known we were in trouble when we walked in and my friend didn’t even pretend to head in the direction of the shampoo. We were officially wandering in Target and that is officially the worst way for me to spend my time.

By the end of the trip my friend found me in the frame aisle, “The last thing I heard was you saying, ‘I feel like I should go to the frame aisle, I feel like I should get a cart.’ Then I looked up and you were gone. I think you have problems.”

“Well, yes, have I told you about my $150 Halloween costume I got here?”

But! I didn’t just spend money in a haphazard fashion. Oh no. It’s the holidays! People need presents! And apparently I need some damn cheer. So I bought some of both (presents and cheer).

Here is the cheer:

This is so my kind of tree. Isn’t it awesome? Feathers. I love it. And nothing says holidays like the Shit Bitch Bear.

I bought the tree and although that was very cheerful I felt like I needed even more. So these two Kleenex boxes in festive colors rounded out the decorations for the house. Martha Stewart has nothing on me.

And then I took this picture because I think it is hilarious, “Um I have to go to Target to pick up a DVD player and some tampons. Oh look! They are conveniently in the same aisle. Perfect. Oh, and while I’m here I’ll also pick up some of these festive Kleenex boxes and perhaps do some family planning. This is really a hell of an aisle.”

December?

I am having real trouble accepting that it is December. It’s not sitting well with me in the least. Where the hell did the year go? Someone asked me the other day what I was doing for New Years and I just kinda shrugged in a way that indicates they were morons for asking me so far in advance. But it’s not far in advance. It’s like a month away. What the?

Seriously, where did the year go? And what was I doing that I missed it?

Remember how slow years used to go when you were a kid? My god, they would just crawl by. The four years of high school seemed like a never-ending prison. Now? Four years flip by on fast forward. And I don’t even get to wear a nice little cap and gown afterwards. It’s not fair at all, really.

It doesn’t help that I live in California. Our temperatures here aren’t exactly a good indication of seasons. It’s gotten pretty cold the past couple of days, but still, it doesn’t feel overly December-y or anything. And then I spent the better part of November traveling so that kinda threw everything off. I come home and it’s the end of the year. When I left we still had a little bit of time.

I guess it’s good that I spent the last three weeks traveling. When I travel, especially those kinds of trips, time seems to move at a much slower pace. You feel like you’ve been gone two months when it’s only been 4 days. So I guess that is a good thing, November felt incredibly long, which extended the year for me a little. But still. How the hell is it already December? I am not prepared for this. I don’t want to shop. I don’t have any money, I just took a month off work, this is not a good time to be spending. Maybe everyone would like a nice picture of Guatemala? Or a maybe! A package of peanuts I stole on the plane? Feliz Navidad?

I dunno. Maybe I’ll get a little tree for my condo, if my place looks Christmas-y maybe I’ll start to come to terms with it being December. Because so far it’s not going well at all. This is the first year in awhile that I haven’t had a roommate, and therefore this is the first year in awhile I haven’t decorated the house. The last roommate was ridiculously festive and insisted on getting and decorating a tree the day after Thanksgiving. She also insisted on eggnog and christmas carols. She was festive. And so was our house. I didn’t mind it, it was kinda fun, but lets be honest, on my own? I’m not a tremendously festive person. But I am a person who needs to accept that it is December. So maybe I’ll buy a menorah or something and accept the holidays into my life.

Fa la la friggin’ la.