Less Moving, More Drugs

I don’t really have anything to say today, but I just saw a commercial for a new drug and it humored me so. It is called Requip. And it has been invented to combat the terrible, horrible, debilitating effects of Restless Legs Syndrome. I kid you friggin’ not.

Here take the quiz and find out if you too can benefit from this important new drug:

Do you sometimes have a compelling urge to move your legs, often accompanied by uncomfortable leg sensations?
Does moving your legs provide temporary relief?
Do your leg symptoms begin or get worse when you are sitting, lying down, or trying to rest?
Does the urge to move your legs get worse in the evening or night?


Seriously. This whole drug thing is getting out of control. Are enough people in this country really going to their doctors and saying, “Look doc, when I’m trying to sit for 14 hours straight and watch the entire Lifetime Movie Marathon I get these really inconvenient urges to actually move my body. If I move I may miss what happens when you sleep with danger, and I wouldn’t want to miss that, it’s important television, you know.” Do we really need research scientists working on this? There’s really nothing else that they can be researching and developing drugs for besides twitchy legs? Come on.

Do you realize you could feasibly kill yourself with the number of drugs that are recommended during the course of one television show? If you took all these drugs, sure you’d suddenly find yourself running through fields and high-fiving more than normal, but you’d also probably be dead. Please make the drug commercials stop. Please. They are driving me insane. Perhaps I will invent a drug that will calm TV-watchers’ desire to put their feet through the screen every time some well-groomed model starts talking about their bowels and foot fungus and erections and herpes. Although I gotta look into getting some of those ailments because they seem to make you quite attractive.