My Lost Ear

My hearing aide is on a trip across the country. It’s its first trip unaccompanied by my head. I’m sure it is quite nervous. I went to the East Coast with both of my hearing aides, but unfortunately only returned with one. Soon my ears will be reunited, but until then the entire world will continue to enter through the right side of my head. God I love my ears.

I was at my friend’s house in DC and I took my ears out before I took a shower. I put them on her dining room table and returned to them after my shower. However, after the shower I had all my clothes and my towel in one hand, so I could only put one ear in my head. I figured it was no big deal. I’d put my clothes away and then return to insert the other ear. Sure, I’ve never in the entire time I’ve had the ears only put one ear in, leaving the other alone, waiting to bring sound to my brain. But what was the worst that could happen really?

Well then. When I returned to the scene of the hearing aide there was no hearing aide to be seen. I looked everywhere, crawled around on the floor, went through nearby purses, tore apart my suitcase, just in case I’d picked it up instead of leaving it on the table. But the ear was nowhere to be found. I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOO very pissed off. Mostly at myself, because I swear to God things just fly away from my possession on a regular basis. And it’s quite ridiculous that I’m a grown woman and I can’t keep track of anything. Normally this is not a huge deal as getting copies of keys and credit cards and cameras is not the end of the world. But when you are losing $2500 hearing aides, the end of the world seems very near.

So I left my friend’s house and made my way up to NY in all my handicapped glory. (Talking to people in Chinatown with only one hearing aide? An amazing display of language and communication that I’m sorry you missed. Actually I missed most of it myself, so don’t feel left out.) My DC friend called me while I was in NY and alerted me that my ear had been found in a blanket. I’m convinced that her cat had something to do with the whole thing. She is offended by the suggestion. As if her cat would never EVER picks something up off the ground and possibly hide it in a blanket. Totally out of character for a cat.

Coincidentally I had a similar situation while visiting another friend a few years ago. I took a nap and woke up to find that my hearing aides were no longer on the table next to me, where I had left them. I found one on the floor but could not find the other. I was convinced that the cat ate the hearing aide. My friend was less convinced but eventually relented and we gave the cat a kitty laxative. We ended up finding the hearing aide under a chair leg. And the cat ended up having a rough night.

As I wait for my hearing aide to make its trip across the country I am trying to adjust to the entire world of sound coming in my right ear. People are trying to get my attention on the left side, calling my name and what not, but it all sounds like it’s coming from the right side of me, so I turn and look, wondering where the hell these people are hiding while calling my name. When I’m walking with my friends I have to grab them and put them on the right side of me so I can actually hear what they are saying. This often happens after they hit me and I realize that they’ve been talking for quite some time on my left side and now they’ve asked a question and are wondering why I’m staring off into a oblivion. When I go to the movies or theater I have to make sure everyone is sitting on the right side of me. It’s been awhile since I’ve had to be conscience of this and so more often than not I don’t remember this detail until we are already at our seats. Then we have to get up and play musical chairs for the confusion of everyone else in the theater. And let’s not even get started on the phone.

Oh how I’m looking forward to one of my major senses arriving via Fed Ex. I’m so forgetful that I lost my hearing aide. I am not even 30 years old. Let’s hope Fed Ex can ship entire brains by the time I’m in my 50's, cause things are looking grim for that decade.