Lying Makes You Thirsty

Didja all see James Frey get the snot kicked out of him by Oprah Winfrey today? Man. That did not look pleasant. He seemed to be caught in quite a little pickle. He’d talk, then drink some water, then stare with his mouth agape, then drink some water, then sweat from every pore on his head, then drink some water. He was not having a good day. I do hope the multi-millions of dollars he’s making off this scandal will help him cope.

I find the whole thing hilarious. First of all, how incredibly stupid does a person have to be to lie to Oprah Winfrey? At what point did that seem like a good idea? It’s OPRAH for god’s sake. She could crush us all with her pinky toe. If I had written a memoir and I knew that I had possibly fibbed a couple or 834 parts of it I might hesitate when asked if I wanted to be a part of Oprah’s book club. I might, because I would have a good imagination, be able to imagine the many ways this could turn out poorly for me. (not the least of which would involve me being crushed by a pinky toe.) Then I might say something along the lines of, "You know what Ms. Winfrey I sure do appreciate the offer, but I don’t think I’m up for that kind of attention. It’s an honor to be considered though." And then I would hang up and move to Pakistan just to be safe.

But no, James decided it would be a fabulous idea to tell Oprah a gang of lies. Cause what were the odds someone would find out about them, right? I mean everyone loves Oprah, who would try to discount the validity of the world’s most popular media icon? That would be crazy talk, right? Riiight. For someone who is supposed to be sober James sure does have some clouded judgement.

I also love the publisher lady that was on the show. She was all, "You can’t ask your writer if they really were a horrible person." As if fact-checking a piece of non-fiction would be an infringement on the writer’s privacy. "Yes I know it seems unlikely that he could fly off a high rise with a pair of wings that grow out of his ass. But the ass is a very private part of the body, I don’t want to offend him by asking about it."

I, of course, have read this book. Because for some unexplainable reason I’ve started watching Oprah this year and have fallen into line in doing all that she tells me I should do. I can’t explain why I’m on the Oprah bandwagon after 19 wagon-free years, but I’ve just accepted it and moved on.

Personally I wasn’t very shocked to hear that there were parts of the book that were untrue. I read the book and always thought it read like a movie. I was reading it like fiction and then every once in awhile I reminded myself that it was a true story. But either way it’s a pretty good story, even if it’s all made up. But then again, it didn’t really suck me in the way it seemed to get everyone else. I remember Oprah saying that she was staying up nights reading it and it only took her a few days to finish it. It took me forever to finish it, and it didn’t keep me up any night. But that’s just me. I could give a poop about addicts, and really have no sympathy for them whatsoever, so the story wasn’t really a page-turner for me. This whole scandal is actually much more interesting to me than the book itself.

In the spirit of honesty I would like to clear up some points of this blog. I haven’t been completely truthful in my portrayal of myself on this site. In truth I am much more attractive, I can write with much greater skill and I weigh ten pounds less than I’ve represented myself. It feels so good to let the truth out. Now I just need some water and some flop sweat and I’ll be completely free of these horrible lies.