I Have Issues

We have a problem. The problem is the time. The time right now is 4:00 a.m. and I’m not even remotely tired. This is not normal. And I don’t think it’s healthy. I don’t know why it wouldn’t be healthy exactly, but it seems less than nutritious.

Here is the main reason behind the problem: I don’t have to be at work at any particular time. Quite a bit of my work I just do from home, and the rest I do from an office. But that office does not restrict me with silly things like requiring me to be present in the A.M. hours. They know I am an artist. An artist! You cannot tell the creativity to just happen! You must wait for it to happen. And you must wait until at least after noon. Look, I don’t make the rules, I just follow the art. It’s all very bohemian.

So then. Since I don’t have to be up at any particular time I can rise whenever I feel like. And I very rarely feel like it before the double digit morning hours. It’s better for everyone that way. The single digit morning hours and I do not mesh well, to say the least. But funny thing is, I don’t have any problem with the dark single digit morning hours. I’m all about them. I’m a huge fan really. I tend to shift my day so that it will include these great dark A.M. hours. Cause I feel as though no one else really makes an effort to enjoy all that they have to offer. And they offer so, so much. Best of their offerings? Silence. These hours silence phones and e-mails with a skill usually only seen when traveling to third world countries, or places with no wifi. So by shifting my day a little I’m able to work a normal work day, but not when anyone else is actually working. And therefore I actually am allowed to get actual work done, instead of just listening to people talk about how much work needs to get done. It’s a miracle. Why no one else has thought up this working in the middle of night thing, I have no idea. I’m a trailblazer. Well, I guess if we’re going to be honest then we’d really have to give credit to all the crank addicts, the people who really founded this movement of wide eyedness at 4 a.m. They are my MLK.

So basically I end up staying up until 4 or 5 or 6 o’clock in the morning and then I don’t get out of bed until 11 or 12. This leaves me with an average of 6 hours of sleep a night. But I’m not tired. Yet, if I went to bed at midnight and got up at 6 a.m.? I’d be curled up in a ball by noon. Someone please explain the logic to me, cause I don’t get it. Clearly I am a vampire. Which explains why I own so much black and look so ageless.

I really don’t know what to do about this issue of mine, this inability to maintain a normal sleeping pattern. I guess as far as issues go, this one isn’t that bad. I mean, there isn’t even a drug commercial for it yet, so it can’t be that bad. I could just imagine the commercial. Some woman hunched over her computer in a dark room, digital clock piercing the night to reveal that it’s actually early morning. Then the calming voice would say, “Are you maintaining the sleeping patterns of crank addicts? Then Lovethesun® is just for you.” Right then a burst of sun will throw open the drapes, showering our poor night owl in light. Then she will hug the paper boy and the doughnut maker (although with the arrival of Krispy Kremes you don’t have to rise early to enjoy a good doughnut) and the scrambled eggs. Next she’ll run through a field of sunflowers towards the eager embrace of Katie Couric and Al Roker (Matt Lauer will be somewhere in the world, waiting to reveal where he is). Then of course the voice-over will warn that Lovethesun® is not for everyone, women who are pregnant, want to be pregnant, could someday become pregnant or have ever talked to someone who was pregnant should not take Lovethesun®, because everyone knows that mornings are even worse when you are trying to herd children towards a school bus, or any bus that will take them away for 6 hours.

I think this may be just the drug for me. If only someone would invent it. Until then, maybe I can just catch Katie and Al before I go to bed…