Headlines

When I open up my internet Explorer page it automatically takes me to the Yahoo homepage. On that page they have the Top Stories and other news headlines. It is quite sad that I honestly get a majority of my news from the homepage of Yahoo. I don’t even bother clicking on the headlines usually. Who has the time really? Every once in awhile there will be one that simply needs to be read. Like last week when there was a headline that read, “Plumbing Error Brings Beer Out Of Kitchen Faucet”. This is the kind of news I need to take time to investigate.

This week for some reason unknown to myself the paper has been making its way to my front porch. I did not subscribe to the paper, and yet it is there every day when I leave for work. It sits there, reminding me of how many things are going on in the world that I know nothing about. But really, who has time to read a whole flippin’ paper? I have Entertainment Headlines to read for god’s sake I can’t be bothered with international news.

Here are some headlines from the world of entertainment this week, they amuse me so.

Naomi Campbell Charged With Assault
This woman needs to calm down. Seriously. Why are models so angry all the time? They get paid to stand. They don’t even have to smile usually. And this is like the fourth time Naomi Campbell has been charged with attacking someone. This time, like other times, she threw a phone at someone. Her housekeeper I think. She has a history of attacking her help. How low can you stoop really? If you are going to be a psychotic bitch why not at least be one to someone who isn’t going to have to look for a new job if they fight back? Make a real rumble out of it.

Oprah Winfrey Won't Host Tony Awards
Oprah Winfrey is so famous and important that it is news even when she doesn’t do something. It seems like this could provide endless filler for newspapers, all headlines of stuff Oprah isn’t doing. Of course it does make a little sense, with the amount of things Oprah does it might actually be easier to list the things she’s not involved with.

Three 6 Mafia Recording With Paris Hilton
Whyyyyyy???? Please. Someone make Paris stop. I’ll do anything. Just make the scary waste of space and inheritance stop with this whole “Do you suppose I could buy a career in entertainment that doesn’t involve me having to make grainy sex tapes?" Paris: Performance-wise I think you peaked on the sex tapes. Mostly because it was the only time you have been physically unable to speak.

Jessica Simpson ready to adopt baby
But I’m thinking there is no baby on the planet that is ready to be adopted by Jessica Simpson, “No I’m cool, I’ll see how things work on here in this mud hut, thanks for the offer though.”

Kevin Federline to Release Album in August
Again I am forced to ask whyyyyy? You have to see this video of James Lipton reading K-Fed’s lyrics on Conan. Funniest crap ever. I love the hat.


Britney Sculpture of Birth Causes Stir
Brit, honey, go throw a phone at someone or something. Stop posing on bear blankets with your whooha up in the air. I know that K-Fed told you on the first date that this is “art”, but I’d hope you wouldn’t fall for that twice. Thank God Lipton didn’t recreate this as well...