Step Away from the Laptop

Um yeah. So I’ve spent the past few days holed up in my room writing. Many a writing project. Many a deadline. Many a nervous breakdown.

Tonight, because I was officially over my laptop, I decided to plop myself in front of another electronic device, the TV. What a fun night of TV it was.

First I watched Oprah from the other day. She was talking to people who had been betrayed. You know, women done wrong. In year 20 on Oprah you gotta come up with some really wrong stuff to get on the show. Let me tell you, women are really outdoing themselves for a shot at afternoon fame. I won’t go into details, because there are just too many details to go into, but I will say that if you are seeing your gynecologist 3-4 times A WEEK, then yes, girl, something ain’t right. Apparently like 500 women claimed to have been assaulted or raped by this one gynecologist. And these ladies are like, “Yeah, it seemed weird that I was getting a full exam two times a week, but he was a doctor, so I just went with it.” Ladies. There has got to be a better way to get on Oprah. Really. Write a fake book or something, she likes those. Get the hell out of the stirrups.

Then Prison Break was on. Well, it was on my Tivo. Can I just tell you that I refuse to watch that show in real time? It’s not good for my heart, with all the damn tension. I ended up fast forwarding the last 15 minutes of the show, cause I couldn’t take the suspense. I’d waited a whole season for the Break part of the Prison Break to happen, I wasn’t waiting around for dialogue. But man do I love that show. I wonder if the show will make people less scared to go to prison, as the show doesn’t make it look so bad, what with all the making out with pretty doctors and dressing up in cop uniforms and escaping through the toilet. I have a feeling a lot of guys are going to be very disappointed when they get to the big house and find out they are expected to sit in cells instead of dig holes to freedom all day. Bummer.

Another bummer? “What About Brian?” had its season finale tonight. Uh. I know networks are trying to cut down on budgets, but this show had its season PREMIERE and season FINALE in the course of like a month. Is that even legal?

And then of course there is my main man David Blaine, acting a fool over in his snow globe. Didja all watch him? The dude went up to some chick, took her TEETH OUT OF HER MOUTH and then PUT THEM BACK. Then he told some other people to pick a card and had the card TEXT MESSAGED TO THEIR PHONES. Homeboy is a crazy talented magician. But what did I spend two hours watching tonight? Homeboy floating in a damn fish tank. Please. Someone explain it to me. I’m all about “testing your limits”, but how is this testing anything besides my patience?

And then he was gonna try to break the world record and hold his breath for 9 minutes. Everyone has dreams. So very sad, David could not hold his breath for 9 minutes. Cause it turns out there is a significant reason that humans live on solid ground. It’s much easier to breathe here. Although, it is much more difficult to find high-paying aquatic stunts here, so I guess David isn’t so crazy after all. Do you realize how RICH this guy is for floating in a damn tank for a week? My career plans are tragically off-course, I think. I need to rethink the bathtub as a possible office space. That would not only attract the local media, it would also give me a hell of a story to write about when I get writer’s block. Cause we all know I’m no longer allowed in the kitchen when looking for inspiration...