Top Secret

I have something top secret to share. After I do I will probably have to kill you all. Just so you know.

My friend, we will call her “Sydney” (after that super top-secret, martial arts chick on Alias), has got a job, we’ll call it “CIA Agent”. In order to fully perform the responsibilities of this job (martial arts and wearing wigs, like on Alias) she has to get security clearance (not everyone can just wear a wig, you know, the federal government has standards). Having known Sydney for quite some time and having traveled in relatively terrorist-free circles during that time I was put on her character reference list. Poor Sydney.

First off. I’m on my cell phone (am I ever NOT on my cell phone?) and I get a call from an unknown number. I’m feeling friendly so I answer it. The person on the other end asks for me by first and last name, which always sends off alerts that this person probably doesn’t know me, as most of my friends are not in the habit of asking for me at all, let alone by first and last name. (As a matter of fact, if you want to have fun with someone sometime, call them up and ask for them in a very professional, federal government sort of way, by first and last name. It’s so much fun to listen to friends become a Professional, Respectable, Articulate Adult in the span of a millisecond, whereas they normally greet you with “Sup.”)

Another thing that tipped me off was the fact that she mispronounced my last name. I love my last name. No one knows how to say it unless I draw them a diagram of some sort and make up a poem to help them remember it. So basically, if you don’t know how to pronounce my last name? I probably don’t want to be talking to you on the phone. Which is why I said to the caller, “Uh, no she’s not here, can I take a message?” And then she said, “Yes, I’m So and Such and I’m doing a security clearance background check for Sydney, The Chick From Alias.” To which I said, “Oh, hold on.” I went to the other line and asked my friend, “Is it bad that I just lied to the federal government in a mere two second conversation?” Then I go back to So and Such and say, “Uh, you pronounced my name wrong so I figured you were trying to sell me something, but this is actually Dawn.”

That is a fantastic way to begin a relationship with the federal government, I think.

Thank god I was thinking on my feet when So and Such came over to my house to interview me. Just as I was heading to the door I realized where we would be doing the interview: The Kitchen Table. And what is on the kitchen table? The Shit Bitch Bear. Oh my, that would have been a fun conversation starter.



So the actual conversation was pretty uneventful, I basically was made to be Sydney’s biographer and outline her whereabouts every second for the last 11 years or so. Uh, I don’t even really remember what I did last week, let alone what Sydney did in 1999. Whatever.

Can I just tell you how hard it was for me to remain unsarcastic for the entirety of my conversation with the government employee? Well, I almost made it the whole way. “Does Sydney belong to any organizations or groups that you find questionable?” To which I said, “Well, the Christian church, but that’s just me.” Ha! Man, am I funny! Future reference? Federal agents (and friends named Sydney) have NOOOOO sense of humor.