Not Worth Stealing

You know what would be fun? To stop being sick. Really. It’s just not cute anymore. Breathing through my nose? Would be fun. Being able to speak without sounding like a 13 year old boy going through puberty? Would be fabulous. Life without phlegm? A girl can dream. (A girl can also spend like 5 minutes online trying to figure out how the hell to spell phlegm, cause HELLO “ph” = “f” and a silent “g”?! God, our language is ridiculous.)

In other frustrating news my car got broken into last night. A thief hoping to find my stash of Easter candy, I suppose. I came out this morning to find my door ajar and unlocked and I wondered if I had possibly gone out last night and got so drunk that I blacked out and drove home and didn’t even shut my door. But then I realized that I’m not nearly that much fun so I investigated a little closer and found that the inside of my car looked like someone had picked up the car, tipped it upside down, shook it for a few minutes then returned it to its original position. Oh, and then they had broken the window.

I got in the car and looked around, trying to think of anything that I had of value that might have been stolen. I immediately remembered that I had left my stereo face plate in the glove compartment last night (which I rarely do) and I hadn’t locked the glove compartment (I usually lock it when I put the stereo in the glove compartment. But I had repeatedly found myself already driving and realizing that I wanted to listen to the radio and I needed the key in the ignition to unlock the glove compartment. So I thought I’d just not lock the glove compartment and actually be able to access my radio.) Anywho, I knew that the face plate was gone, and I wasn’t too upset about it, as I’d intentionally picked a cheaper stereo because I figured it would inevitably get stolen.

Then a wave of panic came over me. I jumped out of the car and went to my back seat and looked under the driver’s side seat. Whew! My Easy Spirt shoe box of all my old tapes from Junior High were still there! Lucky break. Lucky break. Those bad boys are worth some CASH. Milli Vanilli? Paula Abdul? New Kids on the Block? Michael Bolton? Bobby Brown? Poison? Heavy D and the Boys? Vanilla Ice? Man did those criminals MISS OUT.

After I returned to the front seat and continued to rack my brain (and soak my ass (yes, it rained last night and no, the criminals couldn’t be bothered to shut any of my doors all the way.)). Then I realized that of all the crap I have in my car there is absolutely nothing that criminals would want. They didn’t take any of my CD’s (including my “Learn Spanish in the Car” series (that would have been “no bueno”....“not good.”.....“no bueno”). They didn’t want any of the stuff in my trunk (even Peter the inflatable Penis). The didn’t even want my porn sunglasses with a rhinestone heart on the bottom of one eye.

They did, however, seem very interested in my change compartment. Pennies everywhere. But sadly they didn’t get much because two weeks ago I left my purse at a friend’s house and didn’t realize it until I had already ordered and was up at the window of a fast food place. At that point I had to find $4.75 in change in my car. That pretty much wiped out any wealth in the coin area of my car.

I kinda feel bad for the people who broke into my car. It looks like it has a lot of stuff, but once you’re in you realize that there is nothing worth stealing really. Besides the face to a radio. Which I’m not sure is a great get. What exactly does one do with a face to a radio? Are those big on the black market?

Actually, they could sell it to me.