Hello Out There

Hello people. I’m alive. I’m ever so sorry that I haven’t updated this blog in a friggin month. I would like to say that I have been out living an exciting life and didn’t have time to update the blog, but then I’d be lying to you, and that’s no way to start the new year.

Basically I’ve been crazy ass busy for the last who knows how many months. Busy with very unblog-worthy things, like work and work and then a little work thrown in for good measure. Please. Don’t be jealous.

I do so hope you all had a great holiday, and a joyous new year. My holidays were good and generally uneventful. My mother did make a stocking for my dog and he seemed to be the most excited about Christmas, “It’s a sock of some sort, which, as you know, is my most favorite thing on the planet, then, if you notice, it is full of treats, which, as you know, are the only thing that can get me to drop a sock. This is the best day ever.”

I randomly went to Vegas for New Years and I had a great time.

I’ve been working way too much and wanted to go spend some of this money I’ve been making. I must say, Vegas is a great place to do that, as they have many a thing to take your money. My buddy lives there, so I crashed with him, caught a couple shows and ate some good food. That’s all I need in life: friends, theater and food. Oh, and nickel slots. I need those too.

Jesus, I love me some nickel slots. They are just so damn random I can hardly stand it. I won 4000 friggin nickels! I’m rich! I have no idea why I won 4000 nickels, which is the joy of the nickel slot. There were animated things, they were running around for like 5 minutes doing god knows what, then all of a sudden it said I won 3500 credits. I was like, hot damn, but then I printed out the receipt thing and it was like $150 or something. Much less hot of a damn. But still, not bad for a $5 investment. Then I got up and went to another nickel slot, to change up the animated things that were running around the screen, and I won another 500 credits. My friend was playing $50 a hand blackjack and he’d lose $50 in like 20 seconds. Do you know how long it would take to lose $50 in nickel slots? Roughly 13 years.

I feel like there are so many fun things to tell you about, since it’s been a whole month since we spoke.

-I got not one but two Christmas cards from bloggers. People I know nowhere other than the web. Isn’t that cool (and only a little bit scary)? Ha, I kid. But it really touched me when I saw cards from people I’ve never even spoken to. I would have been touched more if there was cash in them…but maybe that’s just the residual nickel slot excitement talking – I’m seeing dollar signs! Or cents signs, as it were.

-The other day I was at the grocery store and there was a guy set up at one of those things that says “Cuisine Cart”. You know, where they make samples of stuff and you circle around the store and visit it 8 times to get the most free food as you can? Everybody circles right? I mean free is free, I’m not made of nickels! Anywho, this dude was actually standing at this cart, the one with the word Cuisine written on it, and he was making….wait for it…Top Ramen. Awesome.
-I’m convinced that the elevators are rigged at my office. I’m convinced that when an elevator arrives the ding sound letting you know the elevator is there is patched into a speaker above a different elevator. EVERY time the damn elevator comes I look up to where I hear the ding coming from and it’s never the right elevator, then I’m left looking around at the other five elevators, spinning in place even, trying to find the right elevator. I feel like there is a security person watching all this on the little tv screens in the lobby.

-And speaking of security people. I work on the second floor of the building. There are like 5 million floors. I feel like a jackass getting on the elevator to go down one flight of stairs. I feel the judgment every time I get in the damn elevator. So when I first started working there I would take the stairs down to the street level. But then. The stupid security people wrote to someone in our office and said that one of our employees had been seen using the stairs and doing so is a security risk. WHAT THE? Is this because I’m brown? Whatever the reason now I’m brown and judged every time I get on the elevator.

Here are some pictures:

The dog has a new friend apparently, and he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. At what point does this costumed ceramic animal on the porch thing become something that I should be concerned about? What is the number exactly? 3? 4 and a gnome? Let me know when we should officially have mom carted away.

This is a result of trip to the Pet Store. I think it’s very telling. There’s the potty training stuff, the spray bark collar, the Dog Whisperer, and if all else fails, there are treats over on the left hand side. This dog has me beat. And I am trying so hard not to buy an electric dog collar. First I bought one that makes an annoying noise when the dog barks. But all the dog did was shake his head while barking when he was wearing that collar. Then I moved to the spray one, that is supposed to spray and annoying spray when he barks. But, uh, it didn’t spray. Ugh. It doesn’t help that he is barking mostly at my parents’ house and my dad says things like, “Go get ‘em Nola!” when he barks. My dad feels like Nola is protecting us with his bark. The dog weighs 12 pounds. He is protecting nothing but my avoidance of jail time.





My dog is a "stay-at-home dog". I respect that. Although I’m not going to lie, I wish he’d at least earn enough to cover his sock budget.

I’m at a bored meeting. Hence the time to write a blog.

I believe a great deal of paper and possibly entire forests could be saved if it wasn’t imperative to give me a paper receipt for every damn thing I buy. Why is it that we get receipts for everything? Some things make sense. Anything over, say, I dunno $5, I guess a receipt is okay. But do I need a receipt for a Cinnabon? Really? Do I need to remember that caloric intake a month later when I’m cleaning out my purse?

------
These are some of the thoughts I’ve had the past month. I’m sure I’ve had others. I’m sure they involve more cursing and way less coherence (which is difficult, I know).

I will try to be better in the new year about posting. The good news is there are bored meetings every quarter. So you know you’ll hear from me at least every three months, if nothing else.

Peace.

Peace and Love (and Oh, You're Going to Hell)

I went to Target last night. A place where I usually find peace and love (and for that I am willing to leave my cash. It's a fair trade I think.)

Last night I found these idiots:

http://www.cbs13.com/video/?id=28009@kovr.dayport.com

They are standing outside of Target, singing their merry asses off. While wearing shirts that said Gay School with a big circle and line through it. I didn't know there were gay schools. Those sound like fun. I bet they'd have a kick-ass theater department. Not to mention lovely homecoming floats. But I digress. I guess these fools think that the gays are taking over or something. I dunno. I find it hard to listen to people like this, because my brain filters out stupid. A time-saving mechanism I highly recommend, moves a lot of things into the "Not worth a single second" category.

I just looked these people in the eye and laughed at them when I walked in and out. I don't think I will ever understand people who care so deeply about what other people are doing in their lives. It's freezing outside, and you really hate gays so much that you are willing to dress up and stand outside and sing carols on the off-chance of- Well, of what exactly? Are you thinking some gay guy is going to walk by and be like, "You know, you are so right. Thank god you are here. I'm am going to turn this gay train around and head back to Straightville." Really?

People need to get hobbies. I don't know, take up needlework or something. Or, maybe taxidermy. That seems more along the lines for these folks. Hell, I think teaching your kids to stuff dead animals might be healthier than teaching them, "Honey, we are going to go learn about what it means to hate people you don't even know tonight. It's going to be fun, you see, cause it's going to go both ways. We get to hate and then you get to feel what it's like to be hated too. God bless us everyone!"

Whatever.

My favorite was the two girls who walked out as I walked in. Holding hands and smiling brightly. "Don't look at them junior. Smiling is a sin you know."

Peace.

YouTube Dude

Have you guys heard about how the band Journey found their new lead singer on YouTube? I heared about it on the radio today. Apparently Journey was down a lead singer and one of the Journey dudes was on YouTube and found this dude who is in a band in the Philippines. The dude was so good that they offered him the lead singer gig in the band. Now granted, it's Journey. And they haven't exactly been busting down the charts in like 20 years, but still, how cool is this story?

I heard the dude's singing on the radio and went to YouTube to hear the whole song, cause I love me some Faithfully. But then I noticed all the other videos that his band has. The dude can sing the hell out of a crapload of songs. He is crazy spot-on with his covers, check it out.

Journey:


The Doors


STP


Aerosmith


Bon Jovi


Nirvana

Fa La La La

Once again it’s been awhile since I last posted. I’m almost certain that things have been happening that I could blog about, but I’m also certain I haven’t sat down and actually blogged. So many steps involved in the whole process, you know, what with the needing to having something to happen, and then needing to write about that something.

Last time I wrote I spoke of a board meeting I was going to. My first board meeting at this job. I’d been working forever and a day on the Powerpoint From Hell for this board meeting. The big boss wanted it to kick arse and make everyone love us. It was sorta a big deal at the meeting. So I worked forever on it and tested it and tested it and got up early the day it was to be show and tested it some more with the PA system in the meeting room. Everything was fine. Until. The actual board meeting. Wherein the previously crazy-tested Powerpoint From Hell decided that it didn’t know where the audio files were. The audio file were a narration of the entire Powerpoint, meaning that without them, you don’t really have a Powerpoint. Neat. So there I was standing in front of a conference room full of people, with a malfunctioning presentation on my hands. Good times.

But I survived.

And one of the best things I lived to see was the decorations in the building where I work. We all came in one day and the lobby had be Christmas-ed out with trees and miniature moving trains and presents and poinsettias out the ass. Lovely.

But most lovely of all is these lifesize dolls that I think are supposed to be Polar Express-y. There is a conductor guy standing in the middle of the lobby waiting to take you to the North Pole. Although his lack of train or movable body parts are probably going to slow down the trip. But whatever. There are these children holding little North Pole tickets in their hands throughout the lobby. All kinda cute, in a sorta freaky/those dolls look a little too real way.

But this little kid is my favorite:

It’s this lifesize kid doll sprawled over a big pile of presents. Is it me or does this kid look dead? He looks like he was shot and thrown onto the pile of presents.

You really have no idea how much joy it brings me every time I walk in the building and see the Holiday Homicide.

Fa La La La.

Where Did November Go?

Hellllllooooooo out theeeeeeeeere....

Good lord, it has been forever and three days since I last wrote. Where the hell did November go? It's gone. We are inching closer and closer to the holidays, and therefore to the end of the year, and therefore to my birthday and therefore to my 30’s. It’s all too much.
Nola is in the holiday spirit though:

I bought him a Christmas thing too, but he LOVES the dradle (sp?). I have a little Jewish dog, it seems. Although I don’t think he’d be down with the yamikah, he doesn’t like things on his head. I know because I tried to put antlers on there. He wasn’t having it. Of course maybe that has more to do with his Jewishness than his dislike of things on his head? I must respect his religion.

So then. I’ve been gone for so long, I feel like I should have a lot to say. Sadly I really don’t. You see, here’s the thing. Remember when I used to support myself doing freelance work? I was doing so much that I was paying all of my bills and traveling the world to boot? Well, I’m still doing all that work. And I went ahead and added in a full-time job to that. So there you go. The math on that addition equation leaves very little in the way of actual blog-worthy-incidents-time. I do apologize.

I haven’t even remembered to post the dog pictures for the past couple of months. My bad.
Here they are:

This was October. It doesn’t have anything to do with Halloween, but it does have everything to do with the Red Hat Ladies and my mom was hosting Halloween Bunco at her house so we decided that her group of friends would appreciate the Red Hat Fido. Unfortunately Fido looked a little naked with just his red hat, so we found a scarf and threw it around him for Bunco night. He’s shy like that.

On a side note, have you guys ever played Bunco? It’s a dice game that is played around the country by groups of ladies who want and excuse to get together and eat and chat. You play by, “Rolling the dice, then you count the numbers and you want them or you don’t, but if you get three you get a bunco, and then someone rings the bell and you get up and you move to the other table, depending on if you won or lost. It’s REALLY easy!” Uh, okay. I crashed October’s game because they needed a sub and I’ve been hearing about these games for 25 years now, and I wanted to check them out.

The night began with everyone gathering around my mom’s new oven and oooo-ing and aaaah-ing. They must have talked for 20 minutes about this oven. A couple hours earlier, when my dad was over at my house (to seek refuge from the women by watching my big screen TV), it took me a good 20 minutes to figure out how to turn my oven ON when he needed to keep his Chinese Food warm. In my mom’s kitchen I stood in the back and ate dip while my mom’s friends went on and on about the oven. None of them even noted the microwave, so I had nothing to contribute to the conversation…

Anywho, here is November’s dog:

He’s a gambler! Good times.

And beside the dog?

The Thanksgiving Turkey.

Uh, Fido, I’m pretty sure when a turkey swaggers up beside you, it might be time to fold ‘em. I’m just saying.

So that’s all I got for now. Hopefully I’ll check in a little more often. I will do my best to put myself in situations that require a blog post. Tomorrow I head off to a bored meeting. I’m sure the excitement that ensues will result in all sorts of posts…ahhhh Corporate America.

The Radio Show

You'll see, and hear the stuff I added to the right hand side of the blog. It is clips from our radio show. Good times. We have been doing it for a month or so now and we are having fun. If you want to stop the fun from coming out of your computer speakers, just push the pause button on the player to the right.

We are at a little public access station in town, talking into the darkness about whatever pops into our heads. We decided to call the show "TBA". Mostly because we didn't have a name, or a theme, or any idea whatsoever what we were going to be talking about every time. We walked in on our first night and the radio dude there said, "Well, you are in the computer as TBA right now." And so we stayed in the computer that way. Plus we think that's a pretty accurate name for us.

We are having a good time mostly because we get to ramble on and on and don't really have to worry about anyone actually listening. The other night Shane, our Radio Dude, came running into the studio with a piece of paper in his hand. He had written on it, in thick sharpie, "You have 19 listeners!!!" We were so excited. Then he came running in AGAIN and flashes 22 of his fingers at me to let me know that we now had 22 listeners. Again, so very exciting. Then. He came in at the break and said, "Well, they are doing some maintenance on the site, to make it better, you know? And well, you DID have 22 listeners, but we sorta kicked them all off with the maintenance."

Oh, how fleeting fame is.

Come back dear listeners!

We are working on a podcast that we hope to get up and running by the end of the week, we'll post shorter versions of the show. We'll cut out all the crappy stuff and just give you the gold. They are going to be VERY short versions of the show.

Random

This entertains me way more than it probably should. God I love the Japanese. They know how to make a television program.

Sad Cubes

I saw this online today and it made me laugh. Apparently my cubicle is luxurious compared to some of these poor workstations:

"Saddest Cubicle Contest"

The winner -- if you can call it winning -- of the Wired News saddest-cubicles contest is David Gunnells, an IT guy at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. His desk is penned in by heavily used filing cabinets in a windowless conference room, near a poorly ventilated bathroom and a microwave. The overhead light doesn't work -- his mother-in-law was so saddened by his cube that she gave him a lamp -- and the other side of the wall is a parking garage. Gunnells recalls a day when one co-worker reheated catfish in the microwave, while another used the bathroom and covered the smell with a stinky air freshener. Lovely.

Other favs of mine:

This dude doesn't even have the three half walls that usually surround the cubicle dwellers. I thought the three walls were bad, but it turns out not having them (or a desk for that matter (notice the desk drawer that is being used to hold up his work)) is pretty bad too. This can't be an ergonomically correct workstation.

This is actually my favorite. Look, they put the guy in a cargo container. Ha! I guess the half walls aren't that bad. The only good thing about this workstation is that there is the possibility that you might accidently be shipped somewhere cool on a boat. Who knows where you might end up. Hopefully not too far away, as I imagine you only have so much air in those things before you sufficate. And yet, it would still probably be a better way to travel than most airlines...

Retirement

I got a retirement notice in the mail awhile back. I hadn’t been at my job very long when the quarter ended, so my retirement account is a little lacking:

Almost $400 bucks! Sweet. I’m planning my lap of luxury right now. You know, the first day I was in at my job I had to fill out retirement stuff and I was flipping through the retirement book and it had like 5 different lifestyles and how much money you need to have saved up in order to retire and still live the lifestyle that you are used to. My lifestyle was the highest. They asked me if I use coupons, if I like to travel, if I like to eat out, if I like to read instead of doing expensive entertainment options. Hmph. I’m never going to retire. I will have to work till the day I die in order to continue living my damn lifestyle. Whatever.

Here is more depressing news from my retirement account:

They don’t think I’m going to retire till I’m 67? Screw that. And holy crap 2045 sounds like a long time away.

But don’t worry, if I don’t touch my $400 bucks till then I’m all set:

By 2045 that $400 bucks will be $2000 bucks! Hot damn! And look – when I retire in 2045 I can expect to make $12 a month from that $2000. Man, my future looks bright.

I might want to start clipping coupons.

I think that’s the moral of the story.

Fun with Toys

So I had to get my hearing aide adjusted the other day. And I'm sitting in the waiting room. And I pick up a magazine. And I start reading it. And I'm like, "Why is this font so out of control?" Then I flip to the front cover and I see that I am reading a Reader's Digest (a 2001 issue) that is LARGE PRINT. Ya know, cause I'm in a HEARING AIDE place. And usually those with hearing aides are of the age that also requires large print. Whatever.

I caught up on 2001 and thought I'd steer clear of the 1999 People magazine. Instead I picked up the 2007 Holiday catalog from Sears:

I flipped through and I got to the toy section. And then I prayed for our poor country in 40 years when it's being run by the idiots playing with these ridiculous toys today. Here are some of my favorites:

First Kenmore Toys! Hot damn. If this doesn't scream fun-filled childhood, I just don't know what does! My first Kenmore sink and wash machine? Really? Why not just point the kids to the REAL Kenmore wash machine and at least get some chores out of the way while they are having good old times with appliances?

Hmmm. Perhaps we shouldn't point Jr. towards the real version of this toy. My First Craftsman Chainsaw? Sweet Mary. Is this to go along with My First Dismembering of an Accidental Homicide?

Wow. A touch screen ATM machine. Somewhere there is a pile of piggy banks weeping in obsolete depression.


This is really one of my favorites. It's a Smart Cycle. "A workout for both brain and body!" But then that line is followed by "Plug into you TV..." Anything that involves "Plug into your TV..." is not going to be a workout for your mind and most definitely not your body. Please. Remember when kids went OUTSIDE to ride bikes? Wasn't that a fun time? Here is what is printed on the description:

Holds up to 200 lbs. Ages 3 to 6. Um. Yeah. So if your 3-6 year old is 200 pounds I'm thinking that you are going to need a little more help than just the Smart Cycle. Sweet Mary, GO OUTSIDE AND RUN AROUND ONCE IN AWHILE!! Kids these days...

Good God. McDonald's Drive Thru Food Cart. Really? Has it come to this? First of all, can I just comment on how uncreative we are making the next generation of children? I mean, kids are able to take a box and a piece of ribbon and make an entire universe in their little brains. These friggin toys that have everything already made up for them are for the uncreative parents, not for the kids. Give your kids some crayons and some construction paper and they will be able to make up everything they could ever need to play happy. Four chairs and an old sheet and the kid will be in a midevil castle for 10 hours. And if they are going to play Drive Thru Window, at least make them build the drive thru or something, because when you just hand them the drive thru window and tell them to play, all you are really doing is putting career options in their heads. And that can't be your intention.

Nevermind. Let them play drive thru, hell fill out the drive thru application for them, just please keep them away from this god awful toy. Do you think the little boy is down low hoping the young starlet isn't wearing panties?

Dream big kids, dream big.

Cartoon

Hello Out There

Dude. It has been sooooooo long since I last wrote. I got an e-mail and a call from friends today commenting on my lack of blogs. One insisted I call back for fear I may be dead. I am not dead. Tired, yes. A lot of other things, yes. But dead? No.

I am so sorry that I’ve been out of the blogworld for quite some time now. There is no real excuse. I will tell you that I’ve been thinking of you all, and every time something blogworthy happens I think that I will in fact blog it. And then I’m laying around and can’t quite get the energy up to get on the computer and type the inspirational and entertaining words you all long for. I do so apologize.

Oh! I do have sorta an excuse. I just remembered. My computer took a poop last week. It caught a virus AND the hard drive was ready to blow up. Lovely. Slowly all my programs stopped being able to be opened. Dear lord. I called a tech guy from the internet and he was so nice as to come pick up my dying computer from me at work. The only real problem was, that he was a small Asian man. I do not care that he was small or Asian, really. But he didn’t speak the English so well and as you know, I’m hearing impaired, so I don’t hear the English so well. Not a good combo when standing on the side of the road trying to get your computer to a man to fix it.

Oh! And I was also only able to hear out of one ear because my hearing aide went out previously in the week. Overall, fun week for Extremely Important Electronic Equipment in my life. When I told my aunt of my mass blow up of all things electronic and important she said, “Mercury is in retrograde.” Who the hell knows what that means. She has said that before when things blow up and I wish perhaps she would think to say it BEFORE Mercury retrogrades, so that I might prepare and perhaps put all electronics and my head in some sort of protective area.

So anyways, the tiny Asian man came and all I really understood was, “Hard drive no good. Need new one.” Ugh. By the by, new hard drive no fun. Cause new hard drive means need new programs to put on hard drive and well, I might have borrowed some of the programs that are on my computer. Maybe. I’m not saying for sure. So then. I spent a couple days making new hard drive usuable and trying to get back to being able to use my computer without fear of it exploding. Good times.

More good times were when another Tiny Asian Man came to my work and I brought my computer downstairs and he worked on my computer while I waited on the side of the road. I am quite lucky that the both of us didn’t end up in some sort of detention facility, never to be heard from again. The Tiny Asian Man had a tiny car that was a convertible. The license plate on the convertible said, “When it gets hot, the top comes off.”

Awesome.

So.

I am very sorry I’ve been out of touch. I will try to do better. I promise. I must finish eating my sushi now and then go back to work. How I would get through the work without the promise of sushi, I just don’t know.

The Friendly Skies

I was listening to the radio this morning and that dude Richard Branson (is that his name?) was on. The dude that founded Virgin years ago and now is a katrillionaire who has a katrillion dollars but still enjoys random ass adventures like a tea party on top of a hot air balloon. He seems sort of fun actually. Although his teeth scare me a bit. But he does have a British accent and that makes up for quite a lot. I enjoy a British accent.

But I digress.

Branson is also a big aviation dude, apparently, and so he was talking about the future of aviation. He said that within the next ten years his company is going to develop technology in which you can fly from LA to Australia in 30 minutes. Awesome. The way they are going to do this is by putting you in a pod or something and blasting your ass into space, then dropping you back down in Australia. Even more awesome.

Now, I’m thinking that this technology, or at least the development of it, is probably going to result in a lot of dead things, whether they be monkey, rats, or people. And I’m thinking that even after the technology is approved and normal people (who have an extra 20 or so grand probably) can go it is still going to run a very high risk of explosion. But see, if you’ve tried flying anywhere in the past year or so you will agree that risking explosion doesn’t sound so bad. If they could make up for that risk with a promise that my luggage wouldn’t be lost and my flight wouldn’t be canceled and I wouldn’t be told, “I’m sorry, there’s nothing we can do, the flight is cancelled” I’d be willing to take the risk.

Oh! And I’d still like to have my own personal TV with DirectTV in my space pod thing. If I’m going to explode I want it to be while having the option of watching 720 TV stations.

Yay technology.

Random

Random #1:
There is a gate at the front area of the park where I take my dog to frolic with other dogs. This gate cracks me up:

Notice the many, many locks. Notice the sign warning you to stay out. Then notice that the gate doesn’t extend much further than those locks and that sign. A mere two steps away you can go around the gate and to the other side of it. Methinks this property used to be private and now it is a park, but dontcha think they would have taken the extra two seconds to tear down that last piece of gate? Weird.

Random #2:

This isn’t exactly random, because not only have I seen this sign a million times, but I’m actually related to the person who owns the business. Blake is one of the many names in my family. (It’s always fun to sit around the table with 10 people who all have different last names as you, but who are all either an aunt, uncle or first cousin. My family tree is interesting.)

I just think this picture is funny because it says, "Since 1973" then it says "31 years of dependable service." Yes, I think it’s time for Blake to update his sign, but I get a kick out of the fact that it reads like 3 of those years since 1973 Blake’s wasn’t so dependable. Ha. My family and their signs.

Random #3:

I can’t remember if I posted this before.

But I do remember that it cracks me up every time I’m in the McDonald’s drive thru (unfortunately my family doesn’t own this business, no McDonald’s on the family tree. But give us time, we branch off pretty frequently.) I just think it’s hilarious that they are asking you not to use a cell phone. A cell phone from the early 90's that is. All other phones are fine, apparently.

Radio Superstars

I’m easily entertained. I think that much has been proven in the past. I tend to have friends who are easily entertained as well. It just works out better that way. We tend to have a lot of fun together, as fun comes pretty easy when you are easily entertained.

A couple weeks ago I said to my friend Rafael (of ChrisKwanziKah and Vlogging fame on this very blog), “We should do a radio show. We could totally do an entertaining radio talk show.” He got excited about it and a couple days later we had a slot on the local public access station. Ha. Good times. So every Friday night from 6 till 8pm we’ll ramble on and on about whatever we find entertaining. Perhaps others will find it entertaining as well. That is, if they ever actually listen to it. Not a whole lot of people listening in to public access. The Public Access Dude came in during our show and said, “You have one solid listener, they’ve been on the whole show!” To which I answered, “Yeah, I told my mom to go turn the computer on, play some spider solitaire and listen to our show.” You gotta love mom, she’ll always be my one fan.

The greatest part about the public access radio station is that you can’t actually listen to it on the radio. You can listen to it through your computer: http://www.live365.com/stations/accesssacramento?site=pro and apparently if you live in Sacramento you can tune to channel 17 and then push the SAP button on your remote and get it. I love that. The SAP button is usually pushed to access the Spanish feed of whatever show you’re listening to. Or you can push it to access English speaking idiots on Channel 17. Love it.

So we’re having a good time with it and if anyone wants to tune in or call in they can between the hours of 6pm and 8pm PST on Fridays. If you want to be a guest, e-mail me, I guarantee we'll put you on. Just don't make fun of Soduko or Matlock and you'll be a hit with our listener. Or just call in and give us someone to talk to: 916.456.5199. My mother, although a loyal listener, refuses to call in. She’s no fun. She did send several e-mails though, telling us to stop making fun of her for not calling in. She also pointed out that it might not be a good idea to berate the one listener you have. Good point mom.

Lunch

I’m at lunch. It’s 3 o’clock. I think most people enjoy lunch around say, I dunno, lunchtime. But me? Not so much. First of all, my talk radio show goes until 2, with three hours of dead air in my brain after that. So why would I want to take a break before the dead air? Second of all, the later I wait for lunch the less time I have to wait after lunch before I get to flee the building. A couple times last week I had to take lunch at noonish and I about died in the post-lunch hours, because they were double what they usually are. I was ready to pack up and go home and it was only 3 o’clock. That is no good.

Forth, there is a sushi place downstairs in the building where I work. I imagine it is full during lunch time with people eating lunch. Whereas at 3, I’m the only person in here. On my computer, doing some work, eating some raw fish, minding my own business. With 5 sushi worker people hovering around me, giving me all of their attention. The attention is not so good, but the sushi is (2.3 seconds after I sit down at least two of them are standing, smiling, holding their order pad things, staring at me. “You order?” “Uh, I look at menu for another 4 seconds or so, then I order.” “Perma-smile with nod.” 4.5 seconds later, “You order?”)

And so I order. You know on those shows where they try to get you to get a handle on your spending by keeping track of every single thing you buy, so that at the end of the month you can look and go, “Good god, that’s a lot of danishes!” And then you start buying your danishes from Costco instead of Starbucks and in two months you’re out of debt? Yeah, I don’t do that. Because concentrating that hard on money is a sure-fire way for me to never see any come my way ever again. But if I did do that I think I would be looking into buying sushi from Costco. Even before I started working 200 feet above a sushi restaurant I spent a ridiculous amount of money on raw fish. It ain’t right. When I moved into my condo I was a bit worried that there was a sushi place right next door to it. This was not going to be good new for my attempts to pay my mortgage. I was quite thankful when I found that their tempura shrimp tasted like bunghole. So therefore I don’t spend my electricity bill on seafood. At least not that seafood.

But you know what else is in that damn parking lot? A Togos. That’s a sandwich shop out here. Are they national? I dunno. What I do know if that they are the devil because they joined forces with 31 Flavors, the ice cream shop out here. So when you walk in and you are going to be good and you are going to get a sandwich, bam! right in front of you is a friggin ice cream parlor. Jesus.

I have 6 pints of ice cream in my freezer right now. And 12 Mountain Dews. And that’s pretty much it. I have problems.

And I have to get back to work...

Slacker

I have been quite a slacker on the blog of late. No bueno. The problem is I go to work. And then sometimes I continue with more work after work. And the times when I don’t continue with more work after work I really don’t feel like even looking at my computer, let alone turning it on in an effort to say something blog-worthy.

Working 9-5 everyday, doing the same thing everyday, it just doesn’t really lend itself to the randomness that used to inspire some great blogs. There are only so many stories you can tell about post-it notes and company meetings.

Can you friggin’ believe it is October already? This is not good. Where the hell did this year go? I lost a few months at the beginning of the year while I was traveling around in a motor home pimping the book. Ever since then I’ve been a bit surprised at how quickly the year is passing. Surprised and not so happy.

I’m going to be 30 in January. I’m not looking forward to it. And yet there it is, waiting for me at the turn of the new year. I think for me turning 30 is going to be harder than any of the other major birthdays. 30 is the end of your twenties and therefore the end of it being cute to not really have any idea what you want to be when you grow up. 30 year olds have life plans and 401k’s and mortgages. That doesn’t sound like very much fun. And yet here I am.

I hope to be out of the country on my 30th birthday, I think that would be the only good way to ring in a new decade. Last year when we were in Guatemala one of the guys with us turned 30. I remember thinking a cheesy party or gift could never be as cool as being out in the world exploring with the clock struck 3-0. It’s a good precedent to set, I think.

Who the hell knows what I’m rambling on about. Basically it’s October, I’m getting old and post-it notes are uninspiring.

I know. Turns out I don’t have to wait until age 30 to be boring...

Blog Forecast: Not so good

Uh, remember how I haven’t been blogging much? Cause I had so little time? I have terrible news. It’s Premiere Week on my TV. This does not bode well for the blogging. What little free time I have must be devoted to my television now, for the free days of summer are gone. I don’t know why I don’t make more of a note of it, but jesus do I have a lot more time during the summer. Tonight alone I taped like 4 hours of TV. That’s a part-time job. Throw in the occasional Oprah and I may have to reevaluate this whole employment thing. I mean, my DVR can only hold so much.

Tonight Dancing with the Stars premiered. Good god do I love that show. It’s just ridiculously cheesy and over the top, but I can’t get enough of it. Kelly Taylor for 90210 is on it!!!! I actually thought about voting for her, that’s how much I loved her when I was a teenager. She was a slut with a heart of gold! Tonight they had the women compete, tomorrow the guys will compete. You really have to love guys, cause they were doing a promo for tomorrow’s episode and they had a package edited together of all the guys basically talking a big game. They were all saying how badass they are and how they are there to compete and to bring home the top prize and pretty much just being boys. But you have just got to love that the big prize is a trophy shaped like a disco ball. I mean really. Does it get any better than that? I think no.

And can I also point out that the chick that danced the best on the show tonight was probably the heaviest set girl on the show? And she still looked awesome. I kept thinking of little Britney Spears and her bikini-ed ass making a mess of herself on MTV a few weeks back. Everyone said she was fat and looked horrible. Britney Spears is not fat, she’s probably tipping the scales at like 138. What she is is a complete friggin’ moron who thinks that going on national television in a bikini is a fantastic idea. The girl on the show tonight easily has 20 or 30 pounds on Britney but she actually had the sense to work with a costume designer and put on something that covered and tucked in the right places. Then she went out and danced her ass off, another thing Britney wasn’t quite in the mood for. Dancing’s hard y’all.

And speaking of overweight, an overweight young woman wrote to me the other day to tell me that she had decided to train for a marathon and that her doctor recommended my book. She then said she’d read my book three times and was “inspired” by me. There are a couple things that don’t seem right here. First off: Why are doctors recommending running books that reference Cheetos on a pretty regular basis? Second off: It’s a bit alarming how many people have written to me to say that they are inspired by my book. How bizarre is it that my lazy ass is inspiring American’s to run around in circles? Oh the mind. How it boggles.

If you ask me I think I should get burnt calorie credit for all the work my readers are doing, I mean, I inspired them for god’s sake.

Pass me the remote, Curb Your Enthusiasm’s on, the laughing will work my stomach muscles...

Things

Hello out there. It has once again been a little too long between blogs. My bad. I just don’t have much to blog about these days. I spend my days in corporate America, and while many things entertain me there I don’t think it the best idea to blog about them here. I will tell you that the other day we actually had a meeting about a meeting that we are going to have that will be about a big meeting we are planning. Ahhhh.

There is also another AWESOME story that I can’t tell you about, because it took place at someone’s wedding and I just don’t have the heart to be the possible destroyer of unions. But believe me when I say that it was the best wedding ever. If only because I was so amused by the things going on. That AND I got cake.

One thing that I did find entertaining that I can actually tell you about:

I was walking through the frozen food aisle the other day and a box caught my eye. It had a smiling man on it and for a brief moment I thought maybe it was Wofgang Puck. But no, this guy was a (tiny bit) darker than Wolfgang. Then I did a triple take and saw that the guy was actually Smokey Friggin’ Robinson. On a frozen meal. Unfortunately there were other people in the frozen food aisle and I just couldn’t muster the courage to randomly start snapping photos (who knows why I was all of a sudden shy about randomly snapping photos). But I did come home and find Robinson’s website. "The Soul is in the Bowl."

Awesome. And no mention at all of how ironic it is for a man named Smokey to be in the frozen food section.

Nothing else is really going on. I’ve started playing on an indoor soccer team and I’ve also started realizing that soccer is not a sport that you just decide to play after a year or so. I’m pretty sure I may die on the indoor soccer field, as I’m pretty sure breathing is an important part of remaining alive. But you know, we all have to go sometime. At least I’ll go with some kick ass bruises all over my legs. That’s my favorite part of playing soccer, the funky bruises I get that get even funkier as the week goes on. I couldn’t wear a dress to the awesome wedding I went to, because my legs looked like I had been severely beaten. But even if I had been severely beaten I still wouldn’t have had the best story at the wedding...

God, it would have made a great blog...

On Demand

I’ve already thanked the lord for the internet and now I must turn my attention to the television, for there he has blessed us as well. We won’t even touch on the obvious blessings like 4000 channels and HBO and the Foster Farms Chickens, because we don’t have enough time to thank him for all the wonders that within the world of TV.

Instead, let us concentrate on the On Demand feature that some cable carriers have. And again, let’s ignore the beauty that is being able to watch a million cable shows and fantastic movies from our youth whenever the hell we feel like it. Oh no, we don’t have time for the glory that lies there either.

Today we will focus on something a little hidden, something that isn’t seen by a lot of people, yet something that is just as worthy of our praise.

It is called Dating on Demand. And it is awesome.

I was over at my parents house this weekend and I saw an ad for an On Demand Real Estate station that featured local real estate in the area (have you heard? there are a few houses on the market here in California. teensy tiny foreclosure problem going on.) I told my mom I wanted to check it out. (I don’t have these On Demand features at my house because I have satellite (thank the lord in heaven, or I’d never leave my house, ever.))

To which mom answered, “You know they have lots of local stuff, they even have personal ads.”
To which I answered, “Show me. Now.”

This is just amazing. People are posting on cable for dates. And apparently people are looking on cable for dates. It’s all so convenient. And scary.

Here’s Nate. He’s in Sales. Mom thinks perhaps it might be marijauna sales.



This is Bill. He’s Charming. He has a “soft spot for children”. That doesn’t actually sound as charming as it sounds creepy, Bill. Just FYI.


Here’s Doug(yFresh). He’s looking for “love and money”. Aren’t we all Mr. Fresh. My dad came in and told Doug, “You ain’t getting love without having money Doug.” A wise man, he.




Here’s Cecil. He wants someone “skinny and pretty”. Mom doesn’t think I should put this video up. Because maybe Cecil is shy. Often shy people put their videos on cable stations.