Monday, July 30, 2007

The Countdown

So then.

In 7 days time I will be starting a new job. A Big Girl Job, I call it. One that requires me to show up at 8:30 in the morning and stay until 5 in the evening. And it requires me to spend those hours in a cubicle. Hmmmm.

Basically it’s a good job that is offering too much for me to pass it up. It’s a good opportunity to use my graphic design and marketing skills and a good opportunity to get even more graphic design and marketing skills.

I’m not really going to go into great detail about all of this, as this is the internets and it’s quite easy to find this blog if you were, say, a new employer.

I will say that I do believe my parents are the happiest of all about this job. My parents spent 30 years each working for the state/county. They enjoy a stable job. So far, I haven’t been a huge fan. I have been quite blessed these past few years to have been able to do whatever, whenever, wherever. I’ve traveled a lot, I’ve slept a lot, and yet I’ve still managed to pay my bills and even buy a condo. Despite the fact that I haven’t been homeless at all, parents aren’t terribly thrilled with the idea of freelance income. They like paychecks. And 401k’s.

My dad is so excited about me getting this job that you’d think I had won the friggin’ lottery. Tonight he planned a celebration dinner that included a limo ride and family members and great food. You see, it’s been hard on ol’ dad. I was supposed to be the kid that went to a great college, graduated with honors and entered the corporate food chain. But that just wasn’t my thing. Ever since I packed up my car and headed down to LA with no money or a place to live I think poor dad has had a little bit of an ulcer. Mom hasn’t been much better. They’ve shaken their heads and rolled their eyes more times than can really be counted. And so now I have the Big Girl Job and dad is popping champagne.

We’ll see how it all works out.

When I first connected with new employer it was in the AM hours. The guy called me and told me about the job and all it had to offer. I grabbed the first thing I could find near my bed (a magazine) and started jotting down notes on an ad.

It’s an ad that says “Eye Opening” on it. Does that mean something? Who knows. Please note that “PTO” (Paid Time Off) was one of the only things I thought worthy of putting a square around. I wonder if that is a bad sign....

In much more exciting news the other night after a concert thingy a few friends and I went in search of dessert. We walked into PF Changs (a trendy chain Chinese food restaurant here (is it other places too? Who knows)) and as the waiter started mixing the soy sauce on the table we said, “Uh, no, we aren’t going to need that. What we are going to need is the bottom four desserts on your menu.”

This is by far one of the best ideas I’ve ever been a part of. You know how you go to restaurants like this and you make yourself ill on the food, so you have no room for dessert? And they always have really pretty desserts, but you feel like you may vomit, so you pass. I highly recommend skipping the food and just ordering a gang of desserts. Much more enjoyable.

Life. Is in the little things.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007


"So, let me get this straight. You take my balls and you leave me with this damn cone on my head? That seems like the worst deal ever." - Nola Dog

Here he is in happier times, pre-cone.

The instructions say that I'm not supposed to let him jump on things. Which shouldn't be a problem at all with a 6 month old puppy who is half bird.

I'll just put his reading materials on the ground, so he can get to them.

In other Random News:

I saw this bus today while I was driving and it kinda freaked me out. Can you see the eyes in the back? They are really detailed, they even have eye shadow. They look sad to me. It was rush hour, so I can see why they would be bummed.

And Nola's Snippity Snip has nothing on my harrowing experience of the day.

I needed cash so I pulled into a gas station and went in. They didn't have an ATM, so I had to buy something. I grabbed some Twinkies and called it a day. Just now, as I was trying to keep my energy up for this blog post, I ripped open the Twinkies, took a bite, thought maybe something had gone terribly wrong at the Twinkie factory and then I looked at the package:

Banana #$!%&*%$!# Twinkies? This has got to fall under the WHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYY? Category. I mean, for the love of god. Stop. Candy makers, and general treat dispensers, please. Just stop. There is a reason your products have been around for 100 years. They are good. It's that simple. And sometimes it's okay for things to be simple. Why must the people at the candy bar companies constantly be sitting around trying to come up with new ways to package chocolate and carmel and tasty treats? Please. Stop.

And if you aren't going to stop what I need is packaging that makes it ridiculously clear that you are trying to get me to fall in love with a new product. Because one way to make your old product have a bad connotation in my head is by making me eat it when has unknowingly turned to banana flavor. I will be gun shy every time I see a Twinkie now. And that's no kind of life to lead. If we can't blindly eat Twinkies and know they will be good then I don't know if any of the rest is even worth it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

The Car

As requested, here are pics of the new car. It's actually an SUV, not a car. Which I didn't really know until I got home and did some comparison shopping online. (Is it bad that I comparison shopped AFTER I bought the car? Whatever.)

The moral of the story is: Take care of your puppies. Because you see, Nola got sick on Friday. Like "puking everything he's ever eaten in his natural life" sick. And so I felt bad leaving him alone when I went out all day on Saturday. So I took him over to my parents' house, so he could puke with family. Then on my way back to pick him up I went by the automall to "just look" at some cars. Riiight. 5:30 pm: "I'm on my way over to pick up the dog." 7:30 pm: "Where are you?" "Uh, I'm test driving a car." "Oh God."

So then.

Here is what happens when you have a sick puppy:

The car is pretty pimped out, cause why not? I've never bought a car before, so I thought I'd might as well go big. The biggest selling point of the car? See below:
It's blurry, because I took it while I was driving. But do you see what it is? A screen. That monitors my tire pressure. (The screen does other things too, but who really cares about them?) So when my tire pressure is screwy and might cause me to go spinning across the freeway (as has been known to happen to me) it will tell me so that I might remedy the situation before the situation becomes me ramming head on into the friggin center divide going 70 miles an hour.

You have no idea how much of a selling point this was. Seriously. I go into SF alot for theater stuff and to visit friends. EVERY SINGLE time I go I pull over at least once, if not twice, to check my tires. Because I'm that paranoid about them blowing up. As about 15 or so have done to me over the years. I also didn't like to drive long distances with kids in my car for fear they may get hurt when the next flat tire came my way. Basically I was scared of my own car.

But no more. Kids, adults, whoever, hop on in! Yay tire pressure monitors!

There are a lot of other cool things about the car, but really, the tire thing is the coolest to me.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Procrastination Station, Stop #754 - Nissan Dealer

This weekend I took procrastination to an all-time high.

I bought a car instead of doing my work.

Funny thing though, after I did that the worked flowed like crazy.

Cause really, what more could I do?

I really had done EVERYTHING except what I was supposed to do.

My new favorite t-shirt reads: "Procrastinators of the world UNITE!!......tomorrow"

That is all.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Procrastination Station, Stop #34 - Craigslist

Inspired by my discovery of the Adult Coloring Club (the non-competitive one) I decided to post some of the other wonderful activities there are to be found when looking around Craigslist. I’m currently on a deadline for a writing project. That is the explanation for why I’m instead perusing Craigslist. I’ve already done everything else I could possibly do (besides write of course) so now I’m moving on to Craigslist.


baton twirlers!
Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-12, 6:25AM PDT

looking to (re)connect with other baton twirlers that used to twirl competitively. I mostly want to practice my rolls and learn some new ones! Maybe we can teach each other a thing or two. This is for Sacramento and for twirlers who are 18 or older or have twirled baton competively.

This just cracks me up. But the weird thing is I’ve actually seen a whole group of baton twirlers at the park on more than one occasion. A big group too. Just twirling away. There were jugglers there too. They entertained me so. But this is still a random ass posting. I love that they are specifying that the twirlers need to be 18 years or older. I imagine a man hanging out with kids asking them to twirl his baton might not go over so well.


French Conversation Group
Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-11, 12:32PM PDT

I'm looking for people in the Grass Valley/Nevada City area who want to get together and practice speaking French! I'm moving to a french speaking country in a couple of months and need to brush up on my conversational skills. Email me if you are interested, and we can organize something.

This just seems funny to me because you are posting to have people get together with you and just talk. I can’t imagine what they would talk about. I guess it wouldn’t matter, as long as it was French, but still. I just imagine the people getting together and then just kinda looking at each other blankly, with absolutely nothing to say to each other, in French or any other language.


Self Help Group
Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-18, 1:19AM PDT

Question 1: Did you ever read a self-help book before?
Question 2: Do you want to meet people like you?

Call (916) 925-2545.

Hubbard Dianetics Foundation
1010 Hurley Way, Suite 505
Sacramento, CA 95825

Doesn’t the phrase “Self-Help Group” seem sort of contradictory? You’re either getting help from a group or you’re getting help from yourself. You can’t have it both ways. Also, I love that the Scientologists are trying to get people off of Craigslist. Man, if that ain’t a religion worth looking into I just don’t know what is. And the Questions. They are so specific and really narrow down the people who could respond. And by narrow down I mean, keep it as wide open as possible to get as many people as possible to sign up for their crazy pod-tastic religion.


Nude Yoga Monday & Wednesday Evenings for Men
Reply to:
Date: 2007-07-16, 10:10AM PDT

If you've ever thought about trying a yoga class but were looking for one that was more focused on men, then this might be the class for you.

We're a fun group of guys that enjoy being nude, practicing yoga and developing a sense of community.

Classes are Monday and Wednesday evenings.

For all of the details, please e-mail us.

There are just too many things to comment on here. “We're a fun group of guys that enjoy being nude, practicing yoga and developing a sense of community.” I think that they will be developing something, I do not know if it’s a sense of community. Also, have you ever done yoga? Have you ever thought while doing yoga, “Geez, you know what would make this weird contortion of my body even MORE enjoyable? If I were naked. Yes. And if everyone around me were naked too. Because yoga is all about being zen-like and nothing would make me more zen than seeing that dude across from me in a naked downward dog.”

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

I’m Back

I’ve made it back to the northern part of the great state of California. I am ever so happy to be back. The southern part of the state has traffic that makes me what to kill people. This is an unfortunate way to spend a few days. I did get to see some old friends though, which made the traffic worth it. The fact that I actually endured the traffic to go see them is a really good indication of how much I actually like them. There are not many people on the planet that would be worth tackling the 405 freeway. You know what else makes LA worth it? Chin Chin. The Chinese-y restaurant that only exists in LA and Los Vegas. It’s Chinese food in the way that Taco Bell is Mexican food. And that way is awesome. I wonder if carrying 15 pounds of chinese chicken salad on a plane would set off any security alarms. It might be worth testing out.

The script I went down to La La Land to write is coming along nicely. I need to get it done by the end of this week, so I imagine it will be coming along even nicely-er towards the end of this week. I signed a confidentiality thingy, so I can’t tell you what the movie is about, but god I hope it actually gets made so that you can all watch it. It is RAN-dom. It always entertains me how every person in LA has a movie idea. And every 20th person actually has a little money to try to shoot their movie idea. In other cities people look into things like investments, maybe real estate. In LA if you have some extra cash you make a movie. It’s just what you do. Ha.

In the Not All People Are Complete Asses Department today I have a great story that will warm your heart. When I arrived at the airport there was a huge group of people waiting in the welcome area holding a sign the said, “Welcome Home”. I didn’t recognize any of the people so I figured they might be there to greet someone else besides me. Whatever. As I looked around the group it was pretty obvious that the large group was waiting for their soldiers to come down that escalator. One little girl was holding a sign that said, “Welcome Home Daddy.” I just about died right there. I grabbed my camera out of my pocket to take a picture of this scene but could never quite get a shot that didn’t involve me blatantly standing in front of the group, making their moment into a photo op, so I just put the camera in my back pocket on the off-chance that the group of soldiers came in while I was there. Then I realized that that was inappropriate and so I moved on to my cab and went home.

Cut to yesterday when I realized that my purse (where my camera usually resides) was unusually light. I looked in the purse and noticed my camera was gone. I did a quick mental timeline of the last time I’d seen the camera. Crap. It must have fallen out of my back pocket in the cab. (Coincidently these are the same pants that my Blackberry fell out of before it splashed into the damn toilet. Perhaps the back pocket of these pants is not the safest of storage compartments for my electronics, ya think?) I was none too happy that I’d lost my camera, but I moved on and figured I’d get a new one later this week.

Then today when I was paying for some food I remembered that the nice Cab Man had given me a receipt for my cab fare. On that receipt was his number. I called the number and asked Cab Man if perhaps he had found a camera in his cab, “Yes, yes, your camera, I have here. I wanted to bring to you, but you live in big complex and I didn’t drop you off at your door, so I do not know where you live. I have it here.” How awesome is that? And even more awesome is the fact that the next person in the cab after me is the one who actually found the camera and they are the one that gave it to Cab Man. Two people could have stolen my camera and two people decided to give it back to me. Awwww. People aren’t all complete asses! Yay people!

I had to pick the roommate up at the airport tonight, so I went by Cab Man’s Cab Area at the airport and he gave me the camera. And I gave him a hug. I think we were both surprised by that. I’m not a big hugger on the whole, but I was so touched that this man had been so kind. It was an awkward hug in which Cab Man thought I was going to shake his hand and then realized I was going to hug him and then didn’t really know how to hug me and almost hit me with his forehead. It was a great hug. And totally reminded me that there are some nice people out there.

Oh and Welcome Home Soldiers. If you didn’t already have so many waiting for you, I would have given you a hug too.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Remember When

So there's not much to report from La La Land. The only thing I've really made a note of is the fact that I may have some sort of brain problem. I lived down here for two years or so. I think. And I think it was about 5 or 6 years ago that I was here. Maybe 7. And I can't remember a damn thing about this place. I have no idea how to get anywhere. Now granted, LA is huge and spread out like crazy. But still, you'd think some things would ring some bells. I spent 20 minutes today trying to find the 405 freeway. Lots of U-turns. And cussing. And making phone calls:

"Okay, do I go 405 north or south to get to you?"
Ten minutes later, "Okay, 101 north or south?"
"Jesus, don't you remember how to get to Laurel Canyon?"
"I don't remember anything. I don't have to use the information and therefore it has left my brain. Kinda like everything I learned in high school."

It just seems weird, shouldn't I remember some things?

Well, I guess I remember SOME things. Today my old roommate and I went by the first place we lived when we moved down here. When the two of us met we were both working at the same TV station in Chico, which is up north. One day I asked if he ever thought of moving down to LA. He said yes. So we packed up our two cars and drove down. No money, no jobs, no place to live. Ahhhh to be young and completely insane.

We crashed with a friend for a little while, then we found an apartment. In the ghetto. So so ghetto. We went by it today and sure enough, it's still in the ghetto. We went inside (Through the front door that still has that call box thing outside as if it's a secure building. The front door was still propped open like it was the whole time we lived there. Classy.) We took the elevator up and it is still the slowest moving elevator of all time. I've gone 40 floors in the time it takes this thing to creak up three tiny floors. We tried to get up on the roof, but the fire escapes have been locked since we lived there. Which is a bummer.

When we lived there we'd go up on the roof and drink Coronas and watch the freeway traffic. Because that was the view, the freeway. And not even like the freeway in the distance. No. The freeway right next to the apartments. Awesome. One thing that we always found weird, the roof had walls on it. As if they started to make a fourth floor and then all of a sudden they gave up. The walls have doorways and everything. Weird. But yet, kinda fitting.

So today we went back to our ghetto apartment and we laughed at how we moved in there with a couch, a weight bench, two beds and a TV (always a TV). Add in the Coronas and we were had everything you could need.

Ahhhh to be young and completely insane.

Thursday, July 12, 2007


There are too many people in L.A..

They are all on the road.

All the time.

That is all.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Dawn In the Sky, With Peanuts

I am currently flying over the great state of California, headed to La La Land for a few days. My life is weird sometimes. I got a random call the other day from someone who needs a script written ASAP. I’ve got the time, so I said I’d fly down to LA and do it. We shall see how it all works out. Today is Tuesday. I will be back on a plane on Sunday night. That leaves about 5 days to write a movie. It could be brilliant. Or maybe not so much. Either way, I’m sure it will make for some interesting blogs.

These last couple weeks have been The Weeks. The Weeks I knew would come eventually, if I just stayed still for a moment. I’ve been still for a couple months, trying to figure out my next move, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. The thing is, I knew if I waited long enough I wouldn’t really have to figure anything out on my own. Something would come my way and make things a little clearer. That’s the way the universe works. Give it time, let it breathe, it’ll get around to you eventually.

So, without going into too much detail, the universe seems to have gotten around to me. And because nothing is ever simple, it seems to have gotten around to me on several fronts. Just cause, why not really? Decisions loom on my horizon. No me gusta decisions. Perhaps I will put it to a vote on the blog, let you all make my life choices. That doesn’t sound like a bad idea.

In other news, this is the first time I’ve been away from my puppy for any extended period of time. I’m not one of those people who is going to call and check up on my dog because I miss him so much, but I am one of those people who might call to check up on the people who have been left with my dog. I’m terribly concerned that he is going to be a bad boy and reflect poorly on my mothering skills. I’d hoped to have him for a few more months before I had any major trips away from him. I figured by the Fall he would be a perfect puppy, so I could leave him without worrying that he would eat/pee on my family members’ entire homes.

Oh well, what are you going to do really? I guess I could have brought him with me, he’s tiny enough that I could have smuggled him on the plane. It would be very Hollywood It Girl of me. If I brought him and a drug habit I’d be all set for LA...

Sunday, July 08, 2007

People Have Issues

I was on Craigslist today. Because I love me some Craigslist. You know that might be a good book idea, just all the crap you can do and find on Craigslist. Hmmmm. It would be good times. Because people are random as all hell on Craigslist. And then there are people who are crazy as all hell.

Like this lady:

Grown Up Girls Coloring Club
Reply to:
Date: 2007-06-29, 5:47PM PDT

I would like to organize a small group of women over 18 who would enjoy coloring together. We can meet at my home, maybe once a week. We can color, chat, listen to nice/fun music and have healthy snacks. You can bring your own materials, or I can share mine. There are lots of great coloring pages online that we can print. Or you can draw your own, if you'd like. We won't be drinking, or smoking, or swearing or anything like that. Also, I hope we won't be competitive with each other, and that everyone will be respectful of each other's individual skills and styles. I think that it could be lots of fun. E-mail me with any questions or ideas.


Seriously. Someone actually posted this.

I really hope it’s a joke.

And I really wish I had a friend that would come with me to this party. It would be the funnest thing ever. We could bring booze and pot and start yelling at each other about how the other one is a horrible color-er.

Why aren’t they “drinking, or smoking, or swearing”? Or “anything like that”? And is there anything OTHER than that? Who wants to hang out with people who don’t swear? You know, as I’m thinking about this I think it would be friggin’ high-lar-ious to have a drunk coloring party. Oh, the things that would be colored. Oh, the things that would be added to the innocent coloring book drawings. It would be awesome.

My favorite part: “I hope we won’t be competitive with each other, and that everyone will be respectful of each other’s individual skills and styles.” Seriously, this lady is killing me. I don’t think I was ever competitive over coloring, even when I was of the age that people actually colored. Who is a competitive color-er? I will give you that I was a perfectionist color-er and often took much longer than the other kids to do my coloring because OH MY GOD, what if I make the wrong color choice or draw something wrong? Yeah, it’s been fun inside this head since the very beginning.

Man, do I want to go to this party. The healthy snacks, the no swearing, the coloring. God, this crap has the potential to get HUGE. Watch out for it on Oprah next year. Nate will be all over this.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

We The People

I don't usually post political stuff, but this is just too good. In the era of Fox News you just don't hear things like this on TV. Which is why things are the way things are.

“If you’re not completely appalled, then you haven’t been paying attention.”

Pay attention.

Happy Independence Day.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Song I'm Obsessed With Right Now

Brandi Carlile, The Story

Here it is live. A little jittery, but I tend to like the live versions better.

True Colors

So my friend and I went to the True Colors concert the other night in Berkeley, CA. It is the big gay concert that has been touring around the country. A friend of mine from work had wanted to go, but then he had to bail at the last minute. Down a gay I called my friend Heather and she filled in. Although she is straight she did a fine job.

We had lawn tickets for the concert, which took place at the Greek Theater that, living up to its very name, is designed like a Greek Theater. Who knew the Greeks’ lawns were at 90 degree angles? I must have missed that part of history class. Before I left for the concert I went by Tar-jay to pick up some chairs for the lawn. I was looking for those chairs you put on stadium bleachers when you are surrounded by men who can’t get enough of watching men tackle each other. The True Colors concert was sure to offer the same type of crowd, so I thought the chairs would be equally as useful.

The woman at Tar-jay didn’t go to football games or gay concerts, so she had no idea what I was talking about. Instead she lead me to the aisle that has chairs for people who need special chairs for playing video games. I guess you need to be closer to the ground when you play video games? Who knows. All I know is that I found the most kick ass chairs EVER in this aisle. They sit on the ground, and they are padded, and their backs are adjustable. They are awesome.

Oh, I did I mention they had rockers on the bottom of them? Yeah. And did I mention exactly how steep the hill is in the lawn seats at the Greek Theater? Yeah. This meant we were sitting on these (fantastic) chairs that were one wrong move away from becoming (fantastic) sleds. It was an adventure to say the least. And the damn lesbians behind us weren’t helping our cause by piling all their crap up against our chairs. Did they not see that our poor thigh muscles were straining to keep us from flying into the more expensive section of the theater? Apparently not.

Overall the concert was good. It was 4 friggin hours long. That is a lot of concert. Especially when your thigh muscles are getting weak. But they did a good job changing the bands out pretty quickly with Margaret Cho doing stand-up while the stage was being prepped between bands. And in pleasant surprise category Cyndi Lauper did an amazing job. Who knew? She can actually sing. And has a great stage presence. Debbie Harry, on the other hand, who used to be with Blondie, is now just with herself and she seems to think that dancing like my mother at a wedding is an appropriate form of choreography for a rock star. Note to Debbie Harry: It is not. Note to Mom: Debbie Harry is looking for back-up dancers.

And because this was a gay concert, can I just point out some things that you will only find at a gay concert?

1. Me saying, “I wish there were big screens on the sides so we could get a better view.”
Heather saying, “Yeah, I’d really like to know if Margaret Cho just made out with a girl or a boy up on stage.”

2. The people around us came with 4 course meals, from Whole Foods. We aren’t just talking little snacks, we are talking full-on spreads of food. We’ve got cheese and crackers (expensive cheese), olive (fancy olives), some sort of salmon, spreads for the crackers, grapes, soup, pasta, fancy sandwiches, wine, mixed drinks...and on and on. Heather pointed out that some of the people with this food were not gay. I pointed out that the act of bringing a 4 star meal to a concert is gay, whether or not the people are straight.

3. The men in the audience are 50% more attractive than the women. And that is because they worked 100% harder at maintaining their beauty.

4. The line for the men’s room? Twice as long as the line for the women’s room.

5. And the end of the concert was marked by....wait for it...giant mult-colored balls being thrown into the audience.


This tour is going to happen every year. If you are looking for a good time I highly recommend spending an evening with 8500 gays. And some big balls.

Here is a little crappy video I took: