Hello Out There

Hello people. I’m alive. I’m ever so sorry that I haven’t updated this blog in a friggin month. I would like to say that I have been out living an exciting life and didn’t have time to update the blog, but then I’d be lying to you, and that’s no way to start the new year.

Basically I’ve been crazy ass busy for the last who knows how many months. Busy with very unblog-worthy things, like work and work and then a little work thrown in for good measure. Please. Don’t be jealous.

I do so hope you all had a great holiday, and a joyous new year. My holidays were good and generally uneventful. My mother did make a stocking for my dog and he seemed to be the most excited about Christmas, “It’s a sock of some sort, which, as you know, is my most favorite thing on the planet, then, if you notice, it is full of treats, which, as you know, are the only thing that can get me to drop a sock. This is the best day ever.”

I randomly went to Vegas for New Years and I had a great time.

I’ve been working way too much and wanted to go spend some of this money I’ve been making. I must say, Vegas is a great place to do that, as they have many a thing to take your money. My buddy lives there, so I crashed with him, caught a couple shows and ate some good food. That’s all I need in life: friends, theater and food. Oh, and nickel slots. I need those too.

Jesus, I love me some nickel slots. They are just so damn random I can hardly stand it. I won 4000 friggin nickels! I’m rich! I have no idea why I won 4000 nickels, which is the joy of the nickel slot. There were animated things, they were running around for like 5 minutes doing god knows what, then all of a sudden it said I won 3500 credits. I was like, hot damn, but then I printed out the receipt thing and it was like $150 or something. Much less hot of a damn. But still, not bad for a $5 investment. Then I got up and went to another nickel slot, to change up the animated things that were running around the screen, and I won another 500 credits. My friend was playing $50 a hand blackjack and he’d lose $50 in like 20 seconds. Do you know how long it would take to lose $50 in nickel slots? Roughly 13 years.

I feel like there are so many fun things to tell you about, since it’s been a whole month since we spoke.

-I got not one but two Christmas cards from bloggers. People I know nowhere other than the web. Isn’t that cool (and only a little bit scary)? Ha, I kid. But it really touched me when I saw cards from people I’ve never even spoken to. I would have been touched more if there was cash in them…but maybe that’s just the residual nickel slot excitement talking – I’m seeing dollar signs! Or cents signs, as it were.

-The other day I was at the grocery store and there was a guy set up at one of those things that says “Cuisine Cart”. You know, where they make samples of stuff and you circle around the store and visit it 8 times to get the most free food as you can? Everybody circles right? I mean free is free, I’m not made of nickels! Anywho, this dude was actually standing at this cart, the one with the word Cuisine written on it, and he was making….wait for it…Top Ramen. Awesome.
-I’m convinced that the elevators are rigged at my office. I’m convinced that when an elevator arrives the ding sound letting you know the elevator is there is patched into a speaker above a different elevator. EVERY time the damn elevator comes I look up to where I hear the ding coming from and it’s never the right elevator, then I’m left looking around at the other five elevators, spinning in place even, trying to find the right elevator. I feel like there is a security person watching all this on the little tv screens in the lobby.

-And speaking of security people. I work on the second floor of the building. There are like 5 million floors. I feel like a jackass getting on the elevator to go down one flight of stairs. I feel the judgment every time I get in the damn elevator. So when I first started working there I would take the stairs down to the street level. But then. The stupid security people wrote to someone in our office and said that one of our employees had been seen using the stairs and doing so is a security risk. WHAT THE? Is this because I’m brown? Whatever the reason now I’m brown and judged every time I get on the elevator.

Here are some pictures:

The dog has a new friend apparently, and he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. At what point does this costumed ceramic animal on the porch thing become something that I should be concerned about? What is the number exactly? 3? 4 and a gnome? Let me know when we should officially have mom carted away.

This is a result of trip to the Pet Store. I think it’s very telling. There’s the potty training stuff, the spray bark collar, the Dog Whisperer, and if all else fails, there are treats over on the left hand side. This dog has me beat. And I am trying so hard not to buy an electric dog collar. First I bought one that makes an annoying noise when the dog barks. But all the dog did was shake his head while barking when he was wearing that collar. Then I moved to the spray one, that is supposed to spray and annoying spray when he barks. But, uh, it didn’t spray. Ugh. It doesn’t help that he is barking mostly at my parents’ house and my dad says things like, “Go get ‘em Nola!” when he barks. My dad feels like Nola is protecting us with his bark. The dog weighs 12 pounds. He is protecting nothing but my avoidance of jail time.





My dog is a "stay-at-home dog". I respect that. Although I’m not going to lie, I wish he’d at least earn enough to cover his sock budget.

I’m at a bored meeting. Hence the time to write a blog.

I believe a great deal of paper and possibly entire forests could be saved if it wasn’t imperative to give me a paper receipt for every damn thing I buy. Why is it that we get receipts for everything? Some things make sense. Anything over, say, I dunno $5, I guess a receipt is okay. But do I need a receipt for a Cinnabon? Really? Do I need to remember that caloric intake a month later when I’m cleaning out my purse?

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These are some of the thoughts I’ve had the past month. I’m sure I’ve had others. I’m sure they involve more cursing and way less coherence (which is difficult, I know).

I will try to be better in the new year about posting. The good news is there are bored meetings every quarter. So you know you’ll hear from me at least every three months, if nothing else.

Peace.

Where Did November Go?

Hellllllooooooo out theeeeeeeeere....

Good lord, it has been forever and three days since I last wrote. Where the hell did November go? It's gone. We are inching closer and closer to the holidays, and therefore to the end of the year, and therefore to my birthday and therefore to my 30’s. It’s all too much.
Nola is in the holiday spirit though:

I bought him a Christmas thing too, but he LOVES the dradle (sp?). I have a little Jewish dog, it seems. Although I don’t think he’d be down with the yamikah, he doesn’t like things on his head. I know because I tried to put antlers on there. He wasn’t having it. Of course maybe that has more to do with his Jewishness than his dislike of things on his head? I must respect his religion.

So then. I’ve been gone for so long, I feel like I should have a lot to say. Sadly I really don’t. You see, here’s the thing. Remember when I used to support myself doing freelance work? I was doing so much that I was paying all of my bills and traveling the world to boot? Well, I’m still doing all that work. And I went ahead and added in a full-time job to that. So there you go. The math on that addition equation leaves very little in the way of actual blog-worthy-incidents-time. I do apologize.

I haven’t even remembered to post the dog pictures for the past couple of months. My bad.
Here they are:

This was October. It doesn’t have anything to do with Halloween, but it does have everything to do with the Red Hat Ladies and my mom was hosting Halloween Bunco at her house so we decided that her group of friends would appreciate the Red Hat Fido. Unfortunately Fido looked a little naked with just his red hat, so we found a scarf and threw it around him for Bunco night. He’s shy like that.

On a side note, have you guys ever played Bunco? It’s a dice game that is played around the country by groups of ladies who want and excuse to get together and eat and chat. You play by, “Rolling the dice, then you count the numbers and you want them or you don’t, but if you get three you get a bunco, and then someone rings the bell and you get up and you move to the other table, depending on if you won or lost. It’s REALLY easy!” Uh, okay. I crashed October’s game because they needed a sub and I’ve been hearing about these games for 25 years now, and I wanted to check them out.

The night began with everyone gathering around my mom’s new oven and oooo-ing and aaaah-ing. They must have talked for 20 minutes about this oven. A couple hours earlier, when my dad was over at my house (to seek refuge from the women by watching my big screen TV), it took me a good 20 minutes to figure out how to turn my oven ON when he needed to keep his Chinese Food warm. In my mom’s kitchen I stood in the back and ate dip while my mom’s friends went on and on about the oven. None of them even noted the microwave, so I had nothing to contribute to the conversation…

Anywho, here is November’s dog:

He’s a gambler! Good times.

And beside the dog?

The Thanksgiving Turkey.

Uh, Fido, I’m pretty sure when a turkey swaggers up beside you, it might be time to fold ‘em. I’m just saying.

So that’s all I got for now. Hopefully I’ll check in a little more often. I will do my best to put myself in situations that require a blog post. Tomorrow I head off to a bored meeting. I’m sure the excitement that ensues will result in all sorts of posts…ahhhh Corporate America.

Hello Out There

My lord.

It’s been like a week since I’ve written. What have you people been doing to fill your days if not with the wonder that is my blog? No, don’t tell me, it’s probably better that you put that pain behind you.

As for me? You know that candle they speak of? The one that burns at both ends? Yeah. I’m on like my 10th candle. Burning them like crazy. I feel like I might be coming out of the other side, into a life that doesn’t involve so little sleep, so much work and a steady stream of Advil to help my aching carpel tunneled arm. But then again, every time you feel like things are calming down they have a way of picking back up again. But for this millisecond they fill a bit calmer. And I hope to extend this millisecond into my weekend, where I intend on doing absolutely nothing. It will be lovely.

Anywho, I’m sure there are things to update you on. But I’m sure I don’t feel like typing any more right now, because of that before mentioned arm pain. I will say that I work in a big building now and the management of that building held an ice cream social in the lobby this afternoon. And that is about the happiest I’ve been in a long time. Give me whip cream and sprinkles and I’m all set.

I will leave you with this:

The dog for August. Yeah. Seems my mother is a bit busy too, because she just dressed the damn dog. He was a patriot for like two months. I think he was afraid of what George W. might do if he changed out of the patriot costume and into this costume.

Mainly I think my mother was just really really hesitant to put a pimped out dog on her front porch. Every month I was like, “When do we get to the porn star?” And every month she’d just shake her head, because she was not looking forward to the porn star. Or the pimp. I’m not really sure what this costume is. I am sure that it is missing something though. See the curly hair under the hat? In my original design of this costume there was supposed to be some of that hair peeking out of the shirt as well, Fido showing off his chest hair. But mom didn’t understand my vision, “I just couldn’t do the chest hair, I couldn’t.”

She also couldn’t do this costume in the right month either, “I think this costume is supposed to be October, but I have the ladies coming over to my house for Bunco in October, and I just can’t have a porn star dog on my front porch when then come.”

Obviously these ladies don’t understand art.

The Dog Has Gender Issues

It’s June! (Can you friggin’ believe that? Good god time flies when you take off from your life for three months) It’s Dog Picture Time.



This one is a little difficult to photograph. So I had to take two pics.

See! Fido is a June Bride AND Groom. Which means that once again Fido is having some gender issues. And s/he is having trouble finding a mate. Maybe if s/he ever left the porch s/he’d have better luck.

Since I have a real dog now we decided to dress him up as well.

He didn’t enjoy that as much as Fido seems to.

Peeking Out

Hello all.

It has been quite some time since I’ve written. My bad.

I got home from my 10 week book tour/New Orleans trip. Since that time I have been doing a lot of bonding with my couch and TV. I’m actually sore today from laying down for so many hours. Sore. That is fantastic.

I don’t really know what to do with myself entirely.

Since December, and probably even before that, I’ve been planning or doing this book tour thing. At the same time I’ve been doing my real job as well, as mortgages are fun things to pay sometimes. I hear. So now I’m done with the planning and the trip. And all that is left is my real work.

There are a lot of hours in the day.

When you don’t have any morning shows to do, or book events to go to, or random groups of people to talk to, or 500 miles to drive, or 25 people to organize in New Orleans, or 25 meals to eat in New Orleans, or ulcers to get.

I’m forcing myself to take a moment to breathe a little, to be okay with the calm for a second at least. My house is quiet. It hasn’t been quiet near me for months. It’s a weird sound to get used to.

There are still a lot more things on the List of Things to Do. So I will not be calm for long. But I’m trying, I really am. I’m trying to process the last 10 weeks. Trying to get some perspective on it now that I’m done. It already feels like something I did once. Not something I did last week.

Here was the last promo that was put together. It’s a lot like the first one, but with a little more added on. Watch till the end, there a little extra after the pr info.





And, because nothing is more important than tradition, here is the Dog de Mayo:

May Flowers and all that. You know, I remember coming up with some funnier ones that these than we’ve seen so far. I wonder what the hell months they are for, cause May Flowers is boring. Next year I think we’ll do all over the top ones that make no sense whatsoever. We’ll make the dog into modern art. Hell, we could probably then sell him for 3 million bucks.

Screw book tours I’m becoming an impressionist artist.

The Dog for April

Okay, well, some of these costumes aren’t as entertaining as others. I’ll give you that. But you try to come up with 12 costumes for a ceramic dog (no really, do that, I’ll use them next year.)


Apparently we were going for an “April showers brings May flowers” thing with this. It seems a bit weird to see the dog in a rain outfit, seeing as though it almost feels summer-y here. But I am not the one who invented the saying “April showers” so don’t blame me that it doesn’t really make sense.

In other news I am once again leaving my happy home and taking to the open road tomorrow. I am not so happy to be leaving my home. I ready to be home for good, and I still have another month. Ugh.

The good news about this leg is that it involves this:

A home on wheels! Yay! This thing actually opens out in the middle when it is stopped, which actually makes it about as big as my condo. AND it has two TV’s. Yay home on wheels!

My friend Sherry has agreed to spend the next few weeks on the Dawn Is Trying to Convince You to Buy Her Book Tour. She’s a great sport and a great friend to offer her home on wheels to my dreams on wheels. It’s all very Road Rules of us. Maybe we’ll stop every once and awhile and do a random physical challenge just like they used to do on MTV’s version. Could happen.

See ya on the road kids...

Put Him in Coach

I am home.

For one night.

Then off for another three weeks.

I will now go sleep in my bed.

I will give you this picture to hold you over until the next blog.

Mom took the picture this month and sent it to me, she understands the importance of the dog outfit making an appearance every month.

He's ready for Spring Training!

I have to admit that this outfit was a bit of a cheat on our part. We didn't make this costume so much as we stole it off the Cabbage Patch Kid in the living room. The Cabbage Patch Kid had arms, so he was a little more able to play baseball. And he didn't look quite as stump-ish. But Fido is a go-getter. I don't think he is going to let a silly thing like no arms get in the way of his Spring Training dreams.

And in the same spirit I am not going to let a silly thing like this blog get in the way of my dreams. Night night.

The Dog, Version February

I almost forgot to post the ceramic dog picture for this month. My good lord, we can’t have that sort of thing happening. Please do feel free to remind me in the future if I forget. A month ain’t really a month until the dog picture is posted. I’m not sure what we are going to do when I’m off traveling around the country for two months. Hmmm, we might have to enlist the help of my mother to make sure the dog picture gets out to the masses. The masses enjoy the ceramic dog.

So without further ado, here is Ceramic Dog, February 2007:

February is when Chinese New Year is, isn’t it? I think that’s what we were going for here. Either that or we were pointing out how much we enjoy Chinese take-out. You never do know. We are artists, my mother and I, who knows where our motivation comes from. Although I must admit, I am unnaturally motivated to go get some potstickers right now.

The more I look at this picture the more I sincerely hope that it is not racist. I’m not quite sure what we were doing with the hat, but there it is. The more I look at it the more I can see that there is probably no way this would be considered racist because it is so far removed from anything resembling a Chinese hat.

Here, I just looked up Chinese Hat online and this is the picture I got.

Hmmm. This is what I was going for when I started cutting the construction paper. But perhaps this visual aide would have come in handy when I was doing my design, because my hat looks nothing like the real Chines Hat. It sorta looks like a horrible mix of Chinese and sombrero, with a little bit of UFO thrown in.

Again, I must remind you that it is art. So this is my artistic interpretation of a Chinese Hat. Please try not to be intimidated by my skills and overall vision.

Happy New Year everyone.

A New Year. A New Dog.

Well, hello everyone, how is 2007 treating you so far? Have any of your broken your resolutions yet? Better luck next year.

So you all know the joy that is the My Mom’s Ceramic Dog. She has a dog. It is ceramic. It sits on the front porch. She dresses it every month. It entertains me with its randomness.

But.

She’s had the dog for quite some time now. And the outfits are repeating. This is unacceptable.

So.

For Christmas I went to the craft store.

And I bought pretty much everything in the place.

And this weekend my mom and I spent quite a bit of time planning out the Outfits for 2007. It was a lot like Project Runway. Except with tinier clothes. But just like on that show we had a bitchy model. Ha! I kill me.

What also kills me is that I have to wait for each month to show you the outfits we put together. The randomness of them all makes me absolutely giddy.

So without further ado I give you....Oh Thank Heaven, it’s 2007.

Get it?

See the thing is a lot of these costumes are going to require explaining, because they are art, you know. And art is never fully appreciated in its time.

He’s an angel! And sorta the pope too! With a New Year’s top hat! And a noise maker sorta thing!

Ahhhhh, it’s gonna be a good year.

Dog Dressing

It is that time again. The dog needed a new outfit for a new month. Mom was running a bit behind on the dressing of the dog, as it is already the 10th and she hadn't changed him yet. The poor guy was still in his bathing suit and innertube. He definitely has a sunburn by now.

I happened to be at the house when Mom changed the dog, so I took a little video. Mom was unaware that my digital camera could take videos and therefore didn't know I was taking a video. I cannot tell you how happy Mom is about me posting a video of her on the internets. Really. She may disown me. Or at least hide the dog from me - which might be worse.

Blog Delay

See, when the phone company wants to do maintenance on the DSL they choose to do it in the middle of the night, because most of their customers are in a sound slumber and will not notice that the DSL is not working.

But I am not the typical customer. I do most of my DSL-ing in the middle of the night. More importantly, I do my blogging in the middle of the night. So then. That is why it is now 3 o'clock in afternoon and I'm just getting to the blog. Things are off in the blog world, because my damn DSL provider was trying to improve my service at 3 a.m. So sorry.

To make it up to you I give you two pictures that are in no way related to DSL or each other, but I feel they are enjoyable.

Tis another month. And therefore another outfit for the dog. I know that the holiday is over, but the dog is stuck in this outfit for the remainder of the month. A patriot, he is.

This is a picture of a toilet in an airport. What airport, I do not know, because I was in many an airport in my effort to get across this grand country of ours. (Let’s not get me started on air travel, because we could be here until they start doing maintenance on my DSL again.) Have you ever seen anything like this? You push the button and the toilet seat cover-thingy turns and gives you a new toilet seat cover. It makes a little noise and twists it into itself and voila! your ass is once again safe to sit on a public toilet.

I don’t know why the water looks weird in this picture, maybe something to do with the flash. All I know is that I wasn’t going to take another picture in the stall, as I already got enough stares when I came out. People thinking I was very proud of my bathroom skills.

Have you noticed the amount of technology in airport bathrooms? Do you think that because people are on the move and have no time that they need to have toilets that flush for them, soap that dispenses itself, paper towels that unravel themselves and seat covers that change themselves? I don’t get it.

I’ve yet to fully understand why we need so much technology in the friggin bathroom, as I didn’t find it tremendously difficult to flush a toilet all these years. And to be honest it’s a lot more effort trying to get out of the way of the electronic eye so that the toilet flushes itself, than it was to just flush it myself. I’m standing in stalls, my back plastered against the side of the stall, trying to trick the toilet into thinking I’ve left. This seems like more work to me. And lets not even talk about the one time I got sick in a public bathroom and was barfing up my innards and wanted so badly to flush the toilet but couldn’t stop barfing for long enough to get away from the eye. So much for not talking about it...

On that note, I will leave you. See you in 12 hours, when normal posting time rolls around again.