First up: BRIDE RESURFACES, ADMITS FAKING ABDUCTION
Apparently some lady in Georgia took off this week on a cross-country flee from her wedding. She left her fiancé and some 600 guests, 14 bridesmaids, 14 groomsmen and probably a big ass cake because the stress of her impending nuptials got to be too much for her.
Now, I’ve never been married but I think this girl is on to something. This year I am scheduled to go to no less than six weddings. Those six weddings will all include not only the weddings but also at least some assortment of the following parties: The Engagement Party, The Bridal Shower, The Bridal Luncheon, The Bachalorette Party, and of course the Day After the Bachalorette Party, wherein we all sit around drinking lots of water while pulling various penis-shaped things off our bodies. So do the math and you’ll see that from now until about September I have to go to a lot of parties. And do a lot of, “Oh my GOSH, that’s a cute blender!”
I’m telling you, it’s all enough to make you kidnap yourself. I love my friends and I’m happy for their finding of true, everlasting love, blah blah blah. I’m honored that they want me to share their special day with them. And I really like big ass cakes. But I hope they understand when I cut my hair and abduct myself until October. I’m not really sure why I have to cut my hair, but that is what the stressed out Georgia Bride did. Apparently when one is on the run from 14 pissed off bridesmaids who have already shelled out $300 for a bright pink and orange taffeta dress it is better to not have long hair for them to grab on to once they find you.
Ticker Time: (Just like a real ticker you will only get about three words of the story)
-and Katie Holmes Dating….. Popemobile for Sale on-
And then: DURST’S GUN SOUGHT IN L.A. SLAYING PROBE
Some lady was killed in 2000 and the cops think millionaire real estate heir Robert Durst might have had something to do with it. They want to check out his gun to see if it matches the one used in the woman’s murder. Ho hum.
Why am I not impressed with story? Because there is no way Robert Durst is getting found guilty of killing this woman. Do you know who he is? He’s the guy that was acquitted last year of murder. After he admitted to killing the man AND CHOPPING HIM UP. Yeah. He was found not guilty. What the? Apparently he told the jury that he ACCIDENTLY killed the guy and then freaked out and chopped him up into bits. Yeah cause that’s a completely normal, non-homicidal thing to do. Everyone knows if you accidentally killed someone your first instinct would be to grab the chainsaw and hack them up into bits.
Seriously. This guy was found not guilty. And Martha Stewart went to jail. Not for her actual crime, but for lying about her actual crime. This all reminds me of when I was little and my mom would say, “I’m not mad that you (insert misbehavior) I’m mad that you lied about it. You’re grounded.” Mom was so right! “Martha, we’re not mad that you did an illegal stock trade, we’re mad that you lied about it. You’re grounded.” “Robert, we know that you chopped your neighbor up into bits, but we are really proud of you for not lying about it. You get to go home.”
-Mistakes Huge Burrito for a Weapon…..Surrogate Mother of quintuplets-
And Lastly: TOWN REPEALS BAN ON SPEEDO-STYLE SUITS
Whyyyyyyyyy?????? I can take the crazy lady ditching her wedding, I can take the crazy guy chopping his neighbor up into bits. But when speedos are once again embraced as a wise fashion move I know that the America is truly a dangerous place. Someone raise the threat level to Red, right now.
I’m going to have to abduct myself to Canada to avoid any possible harm as the result of a chainsaw or a 60 year-old man bending over while wearing a speedo. I’ll be released by my captors following bathing suit season. See you then.