Sunday, April 24, 2005

Bags O’ Salad

I went to the store today for my monthly shopping. I played soccer before I went to the store. I hadn’t eaten in quite some time. I was hungry. I spent $120 on what amounts to frozen pizza and Bags O’ Salad.

Can I just take a moment to praise whoever invented the Bag O’ Salad? I do so hope this person was at least in the running for that recently filled Pope position. This person is a saint in my book. Never has anyone created something that has enriched my life so. Some people have religion to get through their days. I have Bags O’ Salad. Now in four fantastic flavors!

It used to be that there were just Bags O’ Lettuce, not Bags O’ Salad. During those first days of the Bag O’ Lettuce we realized as a nation that we had been wasting valuable portions of our lives shredding lettuce. Yes, there are wars and famines and disease in this world, but thank god someone finally started concentrating on the important things that needed solving – like the shredding of lettuce. Once we collectively boycotted lettuce shredding it was only a matter of time before we demanded an even easier salad-making experience. And so came the Bag O’ Salad to answer our cries.

It does seem a bit absurd to me that I spend $2.50 on a Bag O’ Salad when I can get an entire head of lettuce for like a dollar. But you’re not paying for the product so much as the convenience. The Bag O’ Salad has the lettuce, the dressing, the croutons, the parmesan cheese and even the pointless shredded cabbage. All together in one bag. No more of that time-draining task of getting all these products out of your refrigerator separately, then trying to find the croutons, then cutting up the lettuce, then trying to figure out what cabbage even looks like before it is pointlessly shredded, then realizing that you only have enough dressing left to dress one crouton, then just eating a box of Thin Mints instead of a stupid salad. Oh how the Bag O’ Salad has changed my life.

And the funny part is I don’t even like vegetables. But you know what I like less? Exerting effort. How I wish there was a Bag O’ Prime Rib Dinner With Bake Potato or maybe a Bag O’ Cheeseburger and Fries. But this world is full of disappointments, and the limited Bag O’ product line is just one of them. So I comfort myself with the knowledge that the lettuce and pointless shredded cabbage in my Bag O’ Salad really have no nutritional value whatsoever. And I don’t really count lettuce as a vegetable anyways, it’s just a transportation device for the dressing really.

Without Bags O’ Salad it is a good possibility that I would die. You see, I don’t cook. I don’t really see the point. When you open my refrigerator you will find bagels and cream cheese (breakfast) and Bags O’ Salad (any other meal). Oh, and beer. You’ll find lots of beer. Cause I don’t really drink either. And somehow people keep leaving beer at my house. I swear I must have 25 assorted beers in my fridge that people have left at my house following get togethers. Perhaps I’ll have a get together to drink all of these beers. It will be a salad and beer party. I'm sure that combo sits great in the stomach...

1 comment:

Dean said...

Oh my gawd!
I am sitrting here reading your blog and believe it or not. Eating pizza and bag-o-salad!
Now that is weird stuff. Makes me wonder if I am on some reality blog show or something.