Monday, November 28, 2005

Red Alert

Someone please alert the Feds. We have a situation on our hands. Please try not to panic.

It seems as though all stores are out of Boboli “make it yourself” pizza bread. Yes, I know it’s quite a lot to take in all at once. Take a few deep breaths if you need to.

See, I’m taking care of my young cousin for a few days. Every once in awhile I take care of her for a few days or a week or whatever. And every once in awhile I realize how very far I am from being ready to have a kid. They take up a lot of time and energy and food. Lots of food. They enjoy eating. Which is always the hardest part for me, considering I live primarily on Bags o' Salad and Twinkies. Kids don’t care that ALL of the necessary ingredients come in ONE bag of salad. They want other things, like meat and carbs and milk. Whatever.

So I took the kid shopping yesterday, hoping to find many a thing to nourish her. I asked her what she wanted, she said mac n’ cheese. I said, no we have to eat real food. She said, “How about Boboli?” I said, “Sounds fantastic!”

Cause come on, she’s not my kid, I only have her for a few days. It’s not like I’m establishing life-long eating habits for her. I’m just trying to keep her alive until her rightful guardian returns. So we wandered the grocery store, looking for the Boboli. We got the cheese, we got the canadian bacon, we got the pepperoni but we couldn’t seem to locate the all-important pizza dough-y stuff. First we wondered where exactly we’d even look for it, because if I remember correctly Boboli doesn’t hang out with the other bread products. It usually has it’s own little display. Which means it could be displayed anywhere in a store. Joy of joys. Finally I asked the Grocery Man where I could find the Boboli and he directed me to the first aisle. Next to the cream cheese. OF COURSE! Where else would the Boboli be? But sadly, when we arrived to the first aisle we found no Boboli. They were all sold out. Oh no!

So we went to sushi instead. I dislike cooking so much that I actually took the kid to eat raw food. Best parental figure ever.

Then tonight we went to another store, in search of the elusive Boboli, determined to use a stove in the preparation of a meal. Yet again we could not fine the Boboli. Yet again we found a Grocery Man to guide us. This Grocery Man broke the bad news to us, “There is no Boboli.” “Huh?” “There was a fire at the Boboli factory, there won’t be Boboli for awhile.”

And then the child and I fell to the floor and screamed, “Nooooooooooo!!!!!!”

Or we just laughed really hard and grabbed some frozen pizzas instead.

But don’t worry, I put the pizza in the oven, instead of using the microwave option, so we really felt like we were cooking. And I poured some milk and peeled a carrot for her to eat (I don’t know why the ten year old asked to eat a big ass carrot before dinner, but it seemed wrong to say no).

And then we watched a two hour block of America’s Funniest Home Videos and laughed at people getting hit in the crotch.

Ya’ll just let me know if you want me to babysit. As soon as the Boboli factory is back in working order I’ll be available for all your childcare needs...


Patricia said...



same diff.

seriously. a little flour, yeast and water. it's a science lesson! it's a pizza crust! it's a kid-friendly experience! try it. you'll never go back.

Chunks said...

You can watch my kids any time. They like Costco pizza, just so you know. hahah!

Fire at the Boboli plant...heehee

Heathweb said...

Best Cousin Ever!!!

Teri said...


two adorable kids....yours to watch ANYTIME. They would LOVE you!

I'll provide the pizza!

carolyn said...

So as a mom, you would serve pizza (what kids will actually eat) instead of home cooked meals. You are more prepared for motherhood than you know.

You'll save yourself the frustration of planning and preparing nutritious meals that would be rejected by the kids. Thus you'll be relaxed and enjoy more quality time with your children than most parents.

Anonymous said...

I suprised you didn't order round table?

No more RAM in brain said...

Why didn't you give her a new meal, say, Bag O' Salad and Twinkies? You are so ready to have kids. They will learn about tivo, movie hopping and Chevy's chips n' salsa. What more could they want?

dawn said...

Is patricia actually telling me to make a pizza crust from scratch? Is patricia high?

The rest of you, thanks so much for your offer to let me watch your kids. Such a generous offer, indeed.