Tuesday, May 15, 2007

I Am Lame

A couple people requested a picture of the fine gift I gave my mother on Mother’s Day. Shockingly enough, I hadn’t remembered to take a picture of this gift. I think I didn’t really want any proof of such a horrible present.

But here it is.

It really is horrible. I mean, it’s even more horrible than I expected it would be. Can I just tell you people who have kids that maybe perhaps your kids aren’t terrible artists, maybe perhaps the materials they are left to create with are subpar. Cause, I’m not saying that I’m Jackson Pollock here (wrong analogy, frankly, because we are all Jackson Pollock, because we all have the ability to splatter paint on a wall) but I am literally supported financially in this life by my creativity and artistic abilities and this is all I could come up with.

That is sad. So sad, in fact, that I actually painted over the whole thing and started over at one point, because I couldn’t bear how horrible this completely ridiculous joke of a gift was looking. That’s how bad it was.

Now granted, most of my work is done on the computer, and therefore this whole cement thing is a bit of a new medium for me. But still. This looks like a blind 2 year old made it (a blind two year old with abnormally large hands). It wasn’t till after I was done that I realized that I picked Christmas colors. But it was also at that point that I realized I had just spent 30 minutes painting cement. So it came to be at that point that I gave up on this looking even sorta good.

I really feel like I should defend my artistic abilities by posting some of the non-cement work I’ve done over the years.

See, I am able to use artistic things to make things look at least halfway decent.

And another thing.

Since we are talking about my incompetence, I need to admit something here. It has taken me a long time to admit this, but I feel it is finally the moment to own up to my faults.

I can’t Sudoku.

I just can’t. Anything more than the easy Sudoku and I’m out. It’s frustrating in a way that I can’t really explain to you people. I’m really good with numbers and strategy and figuring out how things are done and then getting really good at them. Like cards for instance. Give me a card game and a little time and I’ll get really good at it. See, cause things like cards and puzzles and SUDOKU have things that you need to know, ways to master the game, strategies and shortcuts. And once you figure those things out then you can hone those tricks and skills and get really good.

Except I can’t with Sudoku. I just can’t. A friend of mine had a book of Sodoku puzzles on a trip we took a year ago. During one of our flights I got hooked on trying to figure them out. I knew that my mom is also puzzle-crazy, so I bought her a book and said, “Now, I’m giving you this because I think you’ll like it, but I am warning you, it could become an obsession. Don’t pick it up unless you are ready for the obsession.” She did one of those nose snort/eye roll things that you apparently do 1) when you are a teenager and 2) when your child is grown and you need to continually remind them that they are idiots.

Fast-forward a year. The woman has gone on her computer and made up little blank Sudoku spreadsheets and prints them up in bulk. Because the Sudoku puzzles in the book are too small and she needs a scratch paper to work out the puzzles as she is doing them. I don’t know if I’ve had a conversation in the living room with my mother the past year where I haven’t been looking at the top of her head while she Sudoku’s away during our conversation.

But good thing she didn’t get obsessed. (Insert nose-snort/eye roll.)

The reason the obsession bothers me so much is that I CAN’T DO THE DAMN PUZZLES MYSELF!!!!! I try. I do. My mother even took time the other day with me and tried to explain the keys to Sudoku victory. After each number placed in its blank square she would look at me with hope in her eyes. As if that one number might have triggered something in my brain and brought with it a flood of Sudoku understanding and knowledge. It would break my heart every time when I had to simply bow my head shake it back and forth.

So basically I can’t paint cement and I can’t do simple number puzzles. My mother is probably bowing her own head right now, shaking it back and forth. She doesn’t even need to nose snort/ eye roll on this one to convince me I’m an idiot.

Where did she go wrong?


Chunks said...

Good job on kicking your own ass there Dawn! Yowch!!

I have completed maybe three Sudoku puzzles in my life. I always call them Soduku puzzles and my kids get pissed at me. You can't do them, I can't even say them. Well, and doing them takes forever. I bought a book of them over a year ago and only three are done. Do them in pencil is my only advice.

Oh and cut yourself some slack!

Your plaque needs something. Glitter and some fake gemstones. Seriously. Embellishments go a long way with cement.

Oh my word verification is CANTRV. I hate camping, isn't that something?!

Anonymous said...

OK,I've figured it out. The reason you can't solve these Soduku (or however you spell it) is because it takes concentration. You get just a wee bit distracted. I think that's it. And, Chunks, gemstones on the cement? I'm going to have enough of a problem trying to figure out what to do with that thing. Dawn's dad said "It's a tile--let's put it outside!!!" hmmmmm--mom

Stephanie said...

Thanks! If my mom complains that I didn't get her anything, I'm going to show her your blog and warn her what she could've gotten. :)

Oh I can't do Soduku either. I've tried on airplanes in those little magazines, I'm lost?

tornwordo said...

So true about the Sudoku, although admittedly, I'm still in obsessed mode. It makes me want to tell you the tricks I've discovered. I keep waiting for when I can look at the puzzle and see a "pattern" and solve it at once. I still can't always do the 5 star puzzles, and this is very frustrating.