Mother’s Day on the Cheap

Last year for Mother’s Day I took my mom and dad up to Reno for the weekend to see Bill Cosby perform. I had just decided to buy a condo and I knew that it might be a few years before I was able to afford to spend any kind of money on Mother’s Day. I was trying to leave her with some decent memories to hold on to once my mortgage started taking all my disposable income (making it considerably less disposable...).

Well then, it turns out my mortgage has got nothing on a 10 week book tour. So currently my bank account is ridiculously, dangerously slim. I knew that my mom knows I’m broke, so I knew she wouldn’t want me spending any money on a Mother’s Day present for her. So I had to get creative. My aunt recommended that I cook her a meal. I recommended that my aunt stop getting high.

Instead of a real gift I decided to go the ridiculous route. Why not really? It’s not my fault the woman only decided to have one kid and therefore only has one hope for a decent gift on Mother’s Day. Let this be a lesson to you people out there who are thinking about only have one child - you’re really taking a very big risk that your one kid will be a horrible gift-giver.

Today that risk backfired on my mom.

I went to the craft store in town yesterday (never one to wait until the last moment) and bought a do-it-yourself stepping stone thing. Do you know what I’m talking about? The things that people get and have their kids put their adorable hands in the cement so they can forever have an imprint of their child’s youth and innocence? Yeah. I got one.

I was going to make her an ashtray, but I couldn’t find any clay. And I’m not really sure if my oven is okay for firing ceramics.

So I opened the package up, read the directions and realized I might be screwed. The directions said I needed a bucket to mix the cement in. I don’t have a bucket. I thought for a second of using the mixing bowls someone gave me. But, to my credit, I decided against that. I think that marks a tremendous level of maturity on my part. Of course, I might be even more mature if I had actually ever used those mixing bowls for anything other than eating popcorn out of. Yet I digress. I went down to the garage to see if I could find anything to mix my Mother’s Day gift in. Miraculously there was a bucket down there. It is not my bucket and I have no idea where it came from, but someone that I let stay with me apparently left a bucket and my mixing bowls owe their life to that person.

I mixed the cement together, which I had just done in New Orleans a couple weeks ago, so I mixed quite well. Then I poured the mix into the little plastic mold thing and let it sit for however long cement needs to sit. Then I put my handprint in and remembered all the awesome gifts I’ve given my mom over the years. This would not be falling in the same category with those gifts. My advice to kids: don’t set yourself up for failure by giving great gifts when you are a kid. Give crappy gifts well into your 20's so that the expectations are low. In fact, that is pretty good advice for all aspects of your life. Keep other people’s expectations very low. Then you are bound to wow them quite a bit.

Anywho. Today I finished off The Best Mother’s Day Gift Ever by adding some lovely paint to the dried stepping stone with my handprint. I painted “I (heart) Mom” and then at the bottom I put “Dawn - Age 29". Ha! God I crack myself up.

Besides that exciting gift we spent the day eating food and watching Thelma and Louise and napping. I have a feeling mom might be looking into adopting some more kids. She obviously can’t count on me to come through for the major gift-giving days anymore.

But, if she’s lucky someday soon she’ll have a whole stepping stone path with my handprints in the backyard. And if that ain’t something to be proud of, I just don’t know what is.