Wednesday, February 01, 2006

A Conversation With The Roommate

"Dawn, it smells like something died downstairs."
"I know, I think it’s your coffee creamer that you said I tipped over in the fridge the other day."
"I don’t think it’s that, it smells like death."
"No, it smells like coffee creamer."
"I don’t think so."
"I’m going to clean it up."
"I am. Right now."
"Alright, I’m going to bed."
"What should I use? You don’t have any Pine Sol left do you?"
"I do have a little. The three gallon bottle I bought has a little tiny bit left."
"Okay, I’ll use that."
I go downstairs, grab the three gallon bottle of Pine Sol. I realize I’ve never used Pine Sol in my life.
"Hey! How do I use Pine Sol?"
"Oh Daaaaaawwwwn. Let me show you how to use cleaning supplies."
"Just tell me, I can do it."
She hands me the cleaning supplies and a towel. And grabs some herself. Then she starts to clean. She is on a mission. Everything about the kitchen is dirty. It must be cleaned. Right now. She was just going to bed 30 seconds ago, and now she is mopping. With vigor.
"This floor is just bothering me. You know, when things are dirty I just feel out of control."
"Oh, me too."
"You didn’t unpack your suitcase from New York for a week and a half, it just slowly unpacked itself across your room."
"Do you notice when things are dirty? Do they bother you?"
"I have never touched Pine Sol, ever. I obviously do not notice if things need cleaning. Clutter is the only thing I care about. And our house is clean on the surface, no messes anywhere. So I’m good."
"You’re cleaning right now."
"I’m cleaning right now because it smelled like death in here. I have one remaining sense that actually functions, and it’s smell. If something smells, I’m cleaning it. Or at least I’m pouring a better smell on it."
"This mop sucks."
"I’m sorry, I’ve never bought a mop, I didn’t know what to buy."
"I am baffled that you even bought this one, how did you know we needed one? Have you ever even mopped at all in this house?"
"No, but I did hear you bitching the last time you mopped, going on and on about needing a new mop."
"Well, we need another new one, the new one sucks."
She is drying the floor now. She has a towel on the floor and is scooting it along the tile by standing on it and using her two feet to move it.
"I thought you were going to bed."
"I know, the cleaning sucked me in. You know how sometimes you start cleaning and then can’t stop?"
"No, I do not know that at all."
"I really have to go to bed too, cause I’m gonna get up at 4."
"Why the hell are you getting up at 4?"
"I have to go to the gym. I haven’t been going to the gym enough and if I don’t work out enough my whole body starts to feel out of whack, ya know?"

I stop scrubbing the coffee creamer off the inside of the fridge and look at my tall, blond roommate who is vigorously scooching across the floor on a towel so that she can finish and go to bed and get up before dawn to go workout. I am growing tired of this cleaning crap after four minutes, I will probably still be awake when she gets up to go workout and scrubbing this stupid refrigerator is the most exercise I’ve had in 3 months.

"You know, we are so much alike, it’s spooky really."
"It’s like looking in a mirror, huh?"


Patricia said...

so cooking and cleaning are pretty much on the same level for you?

invest in oust, febreeze and glade. death always smells better when there's a hint of spring lilac to go with it.

Neil Simon said...

I am amazed you two are so similar. It's no wonder you are roomates. Just like Oscar and Felix the odd couple.

Anonymous said...

This cracked me up!! At the time, our conversation seemed so normal... but through your eyes, we're both a little crazy!!