Thursday, January 11, 2007

I Need to Get Witty Real Quick and I Should Probably Lose 10 Pounds

So I wrote a book. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned it. I can imagine you all are tired of me mentioning it. And it’s not even in stores yet. I apologize in advance for the amount it will probably be discussed over the next few months. In not a very long time from now it will become my job to talk about the book to anyone and everyone who happens to be tricked into listening to me.

Please note the word “talk” in that sentence. As in “speak”. “To people”. “Who probably expect you to be at least sorta funny because you wrote what is being billed as a “humorous” book”. (Can you put quotes inside of quotes? I don’t know. The only thing I’m half good at, writing, and I don’t even really know how to do that. Sweet) So, yeah. I have book events coming up. Wherein I am expected to stand in front of people and talk in a witty and engaging way that makes them want to fork over cash for the pile of paper I am trying to sell them.

Have you ever heard of that study that says that public speaking is the thing that is most frightening to people? There is a reason for that. Because it’s scary as hell to stand in front of people and speak. Let alone when you are supposed to be funny. Just ask Michael Richards, sometimes bad things happen. Now granted, I don’t foresee myself breaking into a racist, angry rant, but I also wonder if perhaps that might be better than just standing up there frozen, holding a bottle of Gatorade as a prop and not really knowing what the hell to say about the bottle or the fact that I am frozen.

Things could go badly, is what I’m saying.

I should have co-wrote the book with someone. Then I’d at least have someone up there with me to pick up the ball, should I drop it in a fit of panic and fear and sweat and overall non-funny. Do you think it’s too late to add a co-writer? Anyone interested?

Here are a list of events so far:
Please come if you can. And hold up cue cards in the back with witty remarks.


tornwordo said...

Go read Yarn Harlot as she details doing the exact same thing. It makes for great blogging!

Patricia said...

i think you should show the pictures of you lounging on the red couch as you wrote the book. it'll make them feel better about the couching that they do.

seriously, i have no doubt that you'll wow them. if you did nothing but read them a certain few blog entries, they'd be hooked and fighting for the chance to buy a book from you.

as for the 10 pounds, well, i suppose that's n'orleans' fault, huh? is there time to book a flight to guatemala???

fAMOuS said...

Wow! That's awesome Dawn. You're going on tour. Can I get your autograph?!?

Anonymous said...

Hey, I was wondering, did you write a book? Cause you've never mentioned it.