Thursday, March 09, 2006

Mama’s Bored

I’ve mentioned before that my mother is retired. I’ve mentioned before that she is bored out of her head as a result. After working her butt off for 30 years she thought retirement would be AWESOME. She’s coming to realize that retirement would be AWESOME if she won the LOTTERY and was able to travel every day of the year. But since she didn’t win the lottery and is on a pension she is forced to travel only several times a year, instead of the desired all the time of the year. And that leads to a little bit of boredom in between.

Hint #1 that Mom is bored:

“Honey, I haven’t received the Verizon bill yet.” (We’ve shared an account forever and the bill goes to her house)
“I’m sure it will come.”
(1 day later)
“It still hasn’t come.”
“It will come.”
(1 day later)
“See, but it’s in your name and I don’t want you to get a late charge.”
“Oh my god, you really need to find a hobby other than standing by the mailbox waiting for the Verizon bill.”
(1 day later)
“Really, it’s just weird that it hasn’t come.”
“Then why don’t you call and find out about it.”
“Well, it’s under your name.”
“Call me crazy but they probably don’t have voice identification at Verizon.”
“That would be dishonest, calling and saying I’m you.”
“I used to call and say I was you all the time when it was your name on the account.”
“Well, you are a dishonest person.”
“If it’s bothering you, and I’m sensing that it’s bothering you, maybe a call to Verizon would calm you.”
“Well, fine. I’ll call if I have the time.”
“Yes, cause your day is jammed-packed with standing by the mailbox, waiting for bills.”

Hint #2 that Mom is bored:

“I baked a cake!”
“For what?”
“For your’s and dad’s birthdays.”
“My birthday was a month ago, dad’s was a week ago.”
“Yeah, I kinda just wanted to bake a cake.”
“I’m all for cake.”
“Here, take half of it with you.”
“I can’t eat half a cake.”
“Take it to one of your jobs. Seriously Dawn, what the hell am I going to do with all this cake?”

Hint #3 that Mom is bored:

“Mom, did you read on my blog how that guy wants me to write bios for the strippers?”
“Yes, I’m sure they’ll be mesmerizing.”
“Well, I don’t have the time or the inclination to do it, but I was thinking I could charge him like a grand and then you could write them and then I’d just give you the money.”
“Hmmm. Do I have to call them up and interview them?”
“No they filled out questionnaires. If you don’t feel comfortable, you can totally say no, I just thought it would be something to pass the time and you could make some extra money for the travel fund.”
“Oh hell, I feel comfortable. I could do that.”
“Are you sure, I don’t want you to if you don’t feel right about it.”
“Will you be sending their pictures too?”
“No, you don’t have to look at those.”
“Well, I’m thinking I should, you know, to get to know their features, it would help write the bio.”
“You know, if she has brown hair or a tattoo, or maybe a nipple ring, I could include that. You know, make it real personal.”

Thing #1 I Never Thought I’d Hear My Mother Say In My Life:

“You know, if she has brown hair or a tattoo, or maybe a nipple ring, I can include that. You know, make it real personal.”


Anonymous said...

Go Betty Lou!

Dean said...

Hurrah for such a cool Mom!

*psst* Any cake left?

Patricia said...

she keeps track of bills
she bakes cakes
she writes stripper bios
and she dresses a ceramic dog.

sounds like a busy lady, to me.

Herkamayah said...

Betty Lou can easily get her bills online from Verizon, and I am sure there are many churches that need cakes!

I am just as flabbergasted as you are about her analysis of her new job as a stripper-bio writer.

Bring some cake to LA!

Chunks said...

I wish your mom lived near ME! I know how to waste a day, baby! If she needs any tips, let me know.

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my taskbar.