Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Turns Out I Might Have Something to Say

I really have nothing to write about today, but I will tell you that people need to learn how to drive. I mean really. Could we go over some basic rules please? Thank you.

1. Get your ASS out of the FAST LANE is you are going UNDER THE SPEED LIMIT. For the love of all things holy and pure. I sometimes wish I had a ‘I Have a Small Penis Hummer’ just so I could drive OVER the idiots going 55 in the fast lane.

2. Grow some balls. Like that one singer dude said, “Life is a Highway” and it is painfully obvious by people’s driving skills which people go through life scared of every damn thing. Guess what? If you have your turn signal on and you’re in a lane next to me and I slow down, allowing you room to come on over, then I am probably implying that you can COME ON OVER. Do not wait for me to send you an Evite people. I have places to go. I do not have time for you to check all your mirrors, turn down your radio and call your mommy to make sure it is okay for you to change lanes. Please. Grow some balls.

3. Rain. Falling. From. The. Sky. Will. Not. Hurt. Your. Car. I. Promise. Push. The. Gas. Pedal. Before. I. Go. Get. My. Hummer.

4. Have you ever heard the story of the boy who cried wolf? Well, same holds true with brakes. If you tap your breaks every four seconds I’m going to stop believing that something break-worthy is happening. And then when something brake-worthy actually happens? I’m going to be in your front seat with you. So please. Do not try to use your brakes as a reminder to the other drivers that you are on the highway. We see you. You can tell by the fact that we are flipping you off.

5. And finally: If you are a semi truck and you happen to miss a turn in the middle of downtown late at night, how bout you just plan on catching the next turn? How bout you DON’T stop after the light and then proceed to REVERSE back into the intersection until you are able to make your turn.

I kid you friggin’ not this just happened on the way home. Huge ass truck. REVERSING back into the intersection that he just crossed, because he apparently was supposed to turn instead of go straight. I was coming up in his lane, ready to go through the intersection when I realized that homeboy was reversing. So I slowed down and waited for him to jackknife his truck into the middle of a downtown intersection. Weirdest part? That is didn’t even seem that weird right off the bat. That’s how bad people drive. That a huge ass semi reversing and twisting down the road in the middle of traffic doesn’t even seem that bizzare.

When are the flying cars coming? I’m tired of the road.

3 comments:

Chunks said...

It's like we live in the same town Dawn! People drive like asshats here too! People here don't use their signal lights though, that would imply that they want you to know they are going to swerve out in front of you.

I want a flying car too!

Patricia said...

dawn for prez!
i agree with every single word. i'm a fairly patient person but the road has me close to rage the last few years.

Aaahnold said...

This is why they make turnpikes and toll roads. For the people that have an extra dollar, they can take a highway free of these bottom-dwelling, clueless, apprehensive handicapped drivers! Too bad there aren't more toll roads and more drivers like you.