Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Brain Tumor

Dude. What am I doing? I got my phone bill and it’s like $200. Dude. This is out of control. Seriously. Who am I talking to? Well, who am I not talking to, would probably be a better question to ask. And exactly how big of a brain tumor do you suppose I’m getting for my $200 a month?

Do you think that cell phones will be my generation’s cigarettes? You know, when people start dying because of diseases brought on by cell phones we’ll just kinda all shrug and say, “Oh, yeah, we really should have seen that coming.” I bet that most cell phone users would be a lot like cigarette smokers and say, “I know it’s killing me, but I just can’t help picking it up like 20 times a day.”

The most horrendous part of my bill is that I don’t even find it that horrendous. I don’t even bat an eye when a $200 bill comes in the mail charging me for speaking. Speaking. Granted, it’s a lot of speaking, but still, isn’t there something in the constitution about speaking being a right or something? My cell phone bill is unpatriotic, really. Someone alert Fox News, they’ll take care of it.

All I know for sure is that I have a serious problem. I can’t stop using the phone. And now I’m looking into getting a Blackberry. Whyyyyyy????? What am I doing? At what point in my life did it become absolutely imperative that I have the ability to contact anyone at anytime via any communication device necessary? Does Verizon offer courier pigeons? Cause I might be interested in subscribing to one of those as well.

I haven’t bought a Blackberry yet because I am a smart woman who can foresee the numerous traffic accidents that will be caused by my attempts to answer my phone, check my e-mails and change the radio station all while driving with my knee and eating french fries out of a bag on the passenger’s seat. (french fries are a regular enough occurrence to factor them into all driving scenarios.) I’ve got $200 phone bills, so I can’t afford the increased insurance premiums that will come every time I wrap my car around a tree while forwarding on THE FUNNIEST e-mail ever.

Notice that I say I haven’t gotten the Blackberry yet. Cause I know that eventually the smart woman voice will be drowned out by the crazy (and apparently very spend thrifty) voice that convinces me that I need to talk on my cell phone 23.75 out of every 24 hours, even when sitting right next to a perfectly good landline. It is really only a matter of time before the computer and phone in my office become obsolete as I sit there doing all my life’s work on my cell phone. If only I could print from my cell phone...

Maybe the courier pigeon could help me out with that.


Anonymous said...

Resist the urge--no Blackberry. Oh, and I'm sure the pigeon could print for you . . . you just may not like the results!--bl

Dean said...

Hey, have I got a deal for you!

My going away present at my last job was a brand new HP iPAQ with Blackberry. It is STILL a brand new HP iPAQ with Blackberry in the box, as I am a man who does not have a brain tumor from cell phone usage.

Come on, I'll cut you a great deal. Besides, your Mom handles your bills, so you shouldn't feel guilty. (snicker)

dawn said...


You are killing me.

I have just admitted to being an addict and you are practically waving the smack in front of my face. You're like the Peer Pressure in those Afterschool Specials from back in the day.

Did your old job give you any pigeons too?

Dean said...


Come on now, it's not like pushing smack. After all, Blackberries are part of the food pyramid. They are GOOD for you.

Besides, EVERYONE is doing it.


PS: No pidgeons. I do have a racoon that eats doritos!

Sac Governor said...

"It's not a tumor"

-Aaahnold, "Kindergarten Cop"

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