Monday, August 29, 2005

California Weather

Sometimes I feel guilty living in California. We don’t really have natural disasters here. I mean, I guess we have earthquakes, but it’s not like there is an “Earthquake Season” that comes every year and wipes out houses and TV reporters who have been sent out to cover the season. And even when we do have earthquakes the extent of the damage can usually be found in the aisles of the local grocery store. The biggest risk our TV reporters face is the possibility of a jar of pickles falling on their head.

Not that our local media doesn’t try to make things seem more exciting than they are. “Our top story tonight is the rain that has been beating down on the central valley all day. We head out to Jim Dandy who is on the scene downtown, where some gutters are backed up a little.” I kid you friggin’ not, rain can be a lead story here. And if it dips below 50 degrees, look out, havoc in the streets. We might be a little spoiled when it comes to weather in this state.

We did have a couple of tornadoes earlier this year, though. Some people even lost shingles off their homes!! I know. Devastation. It was really devastating for me, because it caused a power outage at my work. Which meant I couldn’t do all the work I had to do. Instead I was forced to play pool for an hour while I waited for the computers to come back on. Oh yeah, it was really touch and go there for a second. CBS has already contacted me for the rights to my story. We’re going to do a tie-in with Doritos too, because they are the only thing that sustained me throughout my ordeal.

The local news moved on the tornado story as if it were aliens touching down, instead of a swirl of wind. All the stations switched over to live up-to-the-minute coverage. All three had to interview the same ONE guy who had been driving in his car and been picked up by the wind. (He thanked Jesus on each station.) Because it was an emergency situation, what with the wind and all, the stations ran their emergency ticker tape down at the bottom of the screen with up-to-the-minute safety tips. My favorite tip, “If you are in a car get out of the car and find a ditch to lie in until the storm passes.” First of all, if you are in a car, what are the odds you are going to be watching the ticker tape on the TV? Second of all, are there an abundance of ditches I’m unaware of, just waiting for people to seek refuge in them?

And that’s it, that is the extent of the chaos via nature here in California: one guy who didn’t have his TV on in his car, so he didn’t know to look for a ditch. But Jesus had his back, so he was okay.

When I hear about people in other states having to flee because it is a good possibility their entire state will be under water soon, I have a little bit of guilt. I feel bad that the most trying weather related event I’ve endured this summer is the fact that my air conditioning really only works in my bathroom (which is beyond handy, given the fact that that is the room where you fully drench yourself in water on a regular basis, so you definitely need it to be cool in there.)

So for all of you in states that actually have weather emergencies, I sincerely hope that Jesus has your back. And don’t forget about the ditches. Actually, on second thought, screw the ditches, just get in your car and move to California. You can crash on my couch. I’ll even move it into the bathroom, so you’ll be nice and comfortable.


Tee said...

Living in the DC Metro area offers few natural disasters as well. I don't think we should feel guilty though. I mean, everyone has a choice to live where they live. Why anyone moves to these dangerous areas is beyond me. (My SIL just moved to Orlando... Yeah, I mean Disney, cool, but alligators and hurricanes, not cool.) ... Anyhow, I hope they'll be OK down there. This looks like a real bad hurricane. :(
And as for California weather - don't feel too cushy - you make get little quakes from time to time, but you never know when the big one will strike. That's enough to keep me on the East coast... Also, don't ya'lls houses like fall off mountains and stuff? ...
My grandparents lived in San Diego. My Grandpa would always call and say, "How's the weather?"
"It's raining Grandpa."
"Ah, never happens here. Sunny San Diego. Perfect!" ... He loved to brag about it. ROFL.

Dean said...

I think you should feel quilty. After all, "misery loves company" and you obviously are not keeping these people company.

Although they might like to play pool with you while their cat goes sailing by in a Bubba Gump Shrimp cup.

Hurriquake said...

Speaking of which...why don't earthquakes get names like hurricanes?
I lived in Florida and now live in CA and would much rather avoid preparing to evacuate every year than being surprised at 4:30 am with a shake rattle and roll.