Friday, August 19, 2005

I Dare You to Break Into Our House This Week

It has not been a good week. A lethal combination of PMSing and my vertigo making a return appearance and all things going all bad. So I’m pissy and I’ve lost the energy to hide it any longer. I come home, stomp up my stairs and yell at The Roommate.

“Everything sucks! I am in a HORRIBLE mood!”
She comes running out of her room, “ME TOO! I’m so glad you are too!”

I kick my shoes off my feet and into my closet with such force that they are nearly embedded into the wall. Why this makes me feel better, I do not know. The Roommate plops herself down on my bed, I plop myself down on my chair. And we’re off…

“The entire world is conspiring against me.”
“Nothing is going right.”
“Nothing. I lost out on two jobs that had all but been promised to me.”
“My best friend told me he loves me and wants me to move in with him.”
“Is he cute?”
“No, but he’s rich.”
“Oooo, work with that.”
“There’s nothing there. And now we can’t be friends. Cause he’s in love with me.”
“Damn. Would you mind if I moved in with him?”
“Go for it.”
“A Republican told me he was in love with me and wanted to date me.”
“Is he cute?”
“A little.”
“He’s a friggin’ REPUBLICAN.”
“Oh, well, maybe I can date him.”
“He’s too short for you.”
“I am just in a HORRIBLE mood.”
“Me too, I feel like at any moment I could go on a ten state shooting spree or maybe just burst in to tears. It could go either way.”
“Exactly! Or maybe both at the same time.”
“I’m PMSing.”
“Me too.”
“Oh, that’s bad. We should put a sign on our door or something.”
“I pity the fool who tries to break into our house this week.”
“They’d have to call the cops to pull us off of him.”
“Man I hope someone picks a fight with me this week.”
“I got your back.”
“My vertigo is back.”
“And then, then! That crazy dude I am working on that project with?”
“Oh god yes, the crazy one.”
“He is not returning my calls!”
“Who cares, he’s CRAZY.”
“Yeah, but what does that say about ME, when the CRAZY people aren’t calling me back.”
“I called my ex three days ago and he hasn’t called me back.”
“I got broken up with today via Instant Messenger.”
“Wow. So high tech.”
“I know. I was on a call and checking e-mails at the same time. I like to multi-task my break-ups.”
“There is a girl at work who is the most annoying person on the planet. Everything she says sounds like a question. But it’s not. She just brings up the end of every sentence. “I went to eat lunch at the deli? And I had a sandwich? And it was good?” I swear to god I almost threw my computer at her today.”
“My computer caught a virus today and wouldn’t stay on for longer than 5 seconds before turning off. And 5 seconds is not long enough to get the millions of hours of work off of it before it flatlines.”
“My friend tried to screw me out of a job.”
“My friend got a job at Hooters.”
“Is that a bad thing?”
“No. But it would be a better thing if she worked there right now. Cause then we could go eat french fries and milkshakes.”
“French Fries!”
“Exactly. But isn’t it our friggin’ luck that she doesn’t start till next week.”
“Our luck sucks.”
“I read in my horoscope that Saturn is in my sign or something and that’s bad luck.”
“Where is it?”
“In my sign.”
“What does that even mean?”
“I don’t know, but I thought it was doohickey so I didn’t read about when it’s supposed to LEAVE my sign.”
“I think it’s a full moon.”
“Is it?”
“I don’t know, we could find out, look it up, look on a calendar, maybe they’ll have something on TV.”
“Or we could just walk outside and look up.”
“My grandmother used to say that people go crazy during a full moon because it affects the tide and it also affects our hormones so that’s probably why we are so irritable.”
“Either that or we are just bitches.”
“Could be that too.”
“Bitches with PMS.”
“That’s bad.”
“Very bad.”
“Everyone is out of whack this week though. Everyone. Cause it’s a full moon.”
“Two of my friends, they can’t stop crying.”
“Yeah, one can’t get pregnant and the other’s mom has cancer. See. They are out of whack too, just like us.”
“Well, except that they have actual problems and we are just in a week long bad mood that is running dangerously close to becoming a personality trait instead of just a mood.”
“Oh! AND I got turned down for a SAVINGS account today.”
“How is that even possible?”
“Right? It’s MY money. I just want them to hold it, how difficult is that?”
“Did they tell you why?”
“They are sending me a letter in the mail. Then he said, “Is there anything else I can help you with today?” and I said, “Well, you’re a bank and I’ve got money that I need to put somewhere. And you can’t help me with that. So can you do anything about Saturn?””


Patricia said...

carefully, quietly, backing out of the blog so as not to be irritating in any way...

TV programmer said...

Thank you for this humorous dialogue. You just wrote 1/3 of a new sitcom, "PMS Pals" coming this fall on UPN, right after "Eve"!

Jenn said...

I love this, haha. I'm having a crappy week too. I was just commenting that it must be a full moon. Apparently I was right, haha. I haha too much.

fAMOuS said...

Maybe it's just me but I couldn't tell who was who when speaking...? I got lost in the jumble.

dawn said...


That's the point. You don't need to know which one of us got broken up with us and which one of us has Saturn looming. You just need to know to stay away from us for awhile.

Jessica Fletcher said...

If you read closely, you can tell who is who in the dialogue...key word - vertigo.

dawn said...


It's been awhile since you did any detective work...

We criminals are lot more tricky these days.

PMS, She Wrote said...

Trying to divert with Red Herrings, are you? No such luck. How is your Vertigo, by the way?

dawn said...

Vertigo is GREAT! I love it! You know how people go to bars and spend money to get drunk and then they can't walk straight and when they lay down everything starts spinning? I don't have to waste any money on drinks! Cause vertigo takes care of that for me! Good times.