Friday, September 09, 2005

Guest Blog

I seriously have no time to blog this week. Next week will be better. Unless it isn’t.
But in place of our regular scheduled blog I give you an e-mail I received from one of my (5 million) friends who is getting married soon. Turns out I’m a bit too busy to return RSVP cards to weddings as well…

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Lady…

First of all, you need to hook a sista up…..yes you do. I’m specifically talking about those cool ass glasses you refer to as “beer goggles.” With the bachelorette party only days away, a future drunk bacherlorette could use something of this kind. They’d be perfect for my many trips to the fridge for another beer, and even more perfect during drinking games where I claim myself to be President of the game A##hole. You could be my beer wench, since you won’t be drinking and we’ll need someone sober to get us all the beer we need. Wouldn’t that be great? I’m totally serious here. I want my own pair of these bad boys. They’d look great on and would totally be the talk of the town as I try to remain calm while betting all my money away on the blackjack tables at the casino. I think I do better when I’m drunk. It’d be great! Totally….tell me where you bought those suckers, because I’m bound and determined to start wearing them, like now.

Secondly….between your many hours of assisting with the Red Cross, working on who knows how many projects, for how many companies, could you take a few moments from your overly busy schedule and fill out the damn RSVP card for the wedding? Dude….my deadline date is like tomorrow and you’re one of the five slacker friends and family members who have yet to reply. You know what this means? Well, nothing really, but get it in the mail….even if you’re putting it out at 4am, you can do that and the USPS will pick it up…..wait, better yet….maybe you should walk it to a blue drop off box at the corner of the block so we don’t have any transients in your neighborhood ripping it off, because then I’ll be really pissed. Know why….because you’ve managed to actually take time from you day to complete it and send it (no stamp necessary because I’ve already included it) you’ll put it on your step awaiting USPS for pick-up, then some transient in the neighborhood will pick it up and do god knows what with it, and then I’ll end up without your damn RSVP. I’ll fly off the handle and question you a billion times about why I never received it, you’ll claim you sent it, I’ll claim it’s still somewhere piled on your desk amongst the many other random items from days, months and years passed, and we’ll go rounds about it. This can all be solved really easily….with beer goggles. Hook me up!!!

4 comments:

Sista fan said...

Beer goggle purchase = RSVP. Isn't that fair enough?

Vince, Luke and/or the Crazy Nympho Chick said...

Uh, Dawn? I never get invited to weddings. If you don't want to go, I will (but only if I can borrow the goggles)...it will help explain my behavior at the reception (Free Food! Beer! Fighting actual friends of the bride for the bouquet! They LOVE it when a crasher walks off with the $75.00 bouquet...) Which in turn begins to explain why I never get invited to weddings...

PS - Love the new word verification feature in the comments section. Mine (feiwkzni) is obscene, no matter which phony accent you use.

Jenn said...

I just wanted to leave a comment so I could use the hjeya. Yeah, I'm that moronic. :) Oh and I tried to volunteer (because yeah, you inspired me) and :( I can't. They are "not accepting new volunteers in [my] area at this time." What's up with that? Haha.

Dean said...

It is all making sense now!

This is going to be like the 50th wedding you've attended. You make all those friends just to get seconds on the wedding cake, don't you?

And as for the designated driver bit...I haven't quite figured that out, but think it has something to do with money. Not sure if it is from russling through peoples purses or taking advantage of their intoxicated poker state. I'll figure it out.

PS: Need a date for the wedding? I could use some cake.