Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Drink More, Ache Less?

Hello all and welcome to 2006. Have you broken all of your resolutions yet? If not I hope you are aiming for Friday at the latest to give up all that silly working out and carb avoiding. Why don’t you join me in my New Years Resolution, I guarantee we will have fun. Mine is to drink more. Yes, I know, it’s a bit unorthodox but I think if I really put my mind to it I can do it! Whose with me?!

My post-New Years hangover is my main reason for this resolution. I am a lightweight when it comes to drinking, and I feel as though that might be why I feel like such a pile of poo once a year following my annual drunkenness. Maybe if I really applied myself and got better about regular drunkenness I would be less likely to get such bad hangovers. Ya think? I think. Cause I haven’t always been this light of a drinker and back in the day, when I used to drink before going out to drink, I never had hangovers like I do now that my old "warm-up" would be enough to kill me. It’s all quite a sad turn of events.

Another thing that might be contributing to the hangovers: I can’t so much taste tequila when it’s mixed with at least a little bit of margarita mix. Yeah. Handy right? Also a little dangerous. So this New Years Eve, like any other annual drinking on my part, involved me getting a margarita, drinking about a fourth of it, then sending a friend to have the bartender fill the rest up with tequila. Cause the average Mormon might drink more than me, but when I go, I go big. Why not really? Well, you know, besides the hangover I mentioned earlier.

This year I tried to impede the hangover by feeding it to death at 3 a.m. This is another trick that I learned from the days back. In preparation for the drunk people that would likely ascend on my house following our New Year’s Party I stocked up on all things calorie inducing. My kitchen was like 7-11 and we ravaged it like we were a bunch of crackheads on a 5 day bender. (Do crackheads like 7-11? They seem to always be there when I stop by. Maybe it’s the Slim Jim/3 Day Old Burrito combo they find appealing.) Fortunately I had bought quite a bit of ready-to-consume food, like chips and dough-netts and cheese dip. Unfortunately I had also bought several need-to-be cooked items, like pizza and chicken wings and mini tacos.

These need-to be cooked items brought the frenzy of the kitchen to a complete standstill as everyone gathered around and stared at the oven, waiting for it to de-thaw the wonder. When I entered the kitchen I found my friends hypnotized by the oven and a large flimsy metal tray sitting next to them on the counter with two frozen chicken wings and some ranch. I pointed.

"Michaela tried to put all the chicken wings on that thing and put them into the oven. That is a serving tray, she didn’t listen to me. She even put ranch on the tray before she put it in the oven."
Michaela shrugged, "It’s been 7 minutes since the pizza was put in."
"It’s supposed to be in for 14 minutes."
"Maybe it’s done now."
"It’s only been 7 minutes."
"But it’s just cheese and bread, it’s probably done now."
I open up the oven to find a barely thawed pizza and a pyramid of chicken wings balancing in a small metal tin.
"Did you put all of the chicken wings from the box in that little pan?"
"No, two wouldn’t fit."
"I think the pizza is done."

This was the fire alarm. Going off because perhaps something from the pyramid had fallen to the bottom of the oven and was now creating smoke that was now escaping because the oven was open. Despite this alarm only one person moved to do anything about it. The others were undeterred from their dreams of pizza and ranch. While they sliced the pizza and sat down to eat two of us frantically stood on the table and whipped a towel near the fire alarm. (I have really high ceilings.) I went to open a window, which unfortunately was near an eating drunk person.

"Uh, it’s cold out there."
"Yes, but the fire alarm thinks the house is burning down, so we have to get some fresh air in here."
"But it’s very cold."
"Well, then move your chair to one of the other 764 places in the house that doesn’t have an open window."
"I’m sitting and eating pizza, and ranch. I can’t move."
"You know I actually have plates, you could put the ranch on something besides that napkin in your hand."
"I’m sitting. The napkin is fine."

Then someone entered to investigate the progress of the tower of chicken, allowing the smoke to escape again. "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK"

My friend hops on the table, waving wildly. I pull my hearing aides out of my ears, hoping that a pile of chicken will not be the reason I end up losing what little hearing I have left.

"No fair, you can turn your ears off. While I sit here freezing to death while licking ranch dressing off a napkin."
"Dude, where are the cheese Munchie things?"
"Wusshername ate them."
"No! All of them?! Why? No. Are you serious?"
"Have a dough-nett."
"I want the Munchies."
"How bout chips and cheese dip?"
"How do you just eat a whole bag of someone else’s Munchies?"
"I have half of the snack aisle of the grocery store in here, you can find something. Have a strudel, extra frosting."
"What about the pizza, is it done?"
"No, but we ate it anyways."
"Where’s the chicken?"
"In there."

When you’ve all given up on that silly working out resolution come on over to my place. I’ll be doing as much drinking as possible and we have plenty of snacks to go around. You might want to bring your own toaster oven though...


Jenn said...

Hahah. I will never think of a chicken pyramid the same way again. :)

Chunks said...

Your theory is right...drink more hurt less.

For several years, even one beer would give me a raging hangover! I've since broken that cycle and can pound 'er back pretty good! (It happens maybe three times a year, but at least I don't wish for death the morning after anymore!)

Patricia said...

i'm in.
and now, thanks to you, i'm thirsty.

i don't touch the oven when i'm tipsy, tho. i go straight for the propane and i fire up the grill. sure, there's the same amount of smoke but mother nature's smoke detector isn't nearly as sensitive as the ones in my house. besides, my eyebrows will grow back eventually, and forfeiting them is worth the taste of a perfectly grilled steak. at least it seems that way while i'm drinking.

Dean said...

When chickens make pyramids, do they wear the cheerleader outfits?

dawn said...

Dean, chickens don't, but sometimes drunk people do.

Spirits guide said...

Oh no! Stick to Twinkies and Chips & Salsa from Chevy's. You don't need anything to drink to enhance your acerbic wit and sarcastic view on life. In fact, if it gets any more tounge in cheek your tounge will be in your own ear. I know that might be something other people might enjoy, but please refrain. You could accidentally toss your computer out the window due to more frustrations caused by crashing software