Wednesday, January 11, 2006

My Girls

Leaving for DC and NYC very soon. So very much work to do before I go. So little time to blog. I know. Cry if you need to.

I will very briefly discuss two phone conversations I had today with two different friends.

Conversation #1:

Friend: “I’m stressing the hell out. I’m working too much, I don’t like my job, I can’t figure out my life, and I had a Go Girl! energy drink this afternoon, so I’m hyper as hell.”

Me: “You need to calm down, you are going to give yourself a heart attack.”

Friend: “I know! But the good news for you is that you get my death benefits if I die.”

Me: “What?”

Friend: “I put you down as the benefactor on my life insurance at work.”

Me: “What about your family?”

Friend: “They all have money, I figured you could use the money more than them. Maybe you could fix your credit or something with it.”

Me: “Hmmmm.”

Friend: “Stop. I shouldn’t have told you, now you are plotting.”

Conversation #2:

Friend: “My new years resolution is to be softer, more approachable. Because my younger brother, who is only 11, told me that I’ll never get married because I scare all the men away. If I’m scary to an 11 year-old imagine what grown men are thinking.”

Me: “I can’t wait to hear how you are becoming softer.”

Friend: “I bought a pink shirt. Pink is soft, right?”

Me: “Oh yes, definitely. Now you might have to also stop getting in arguments with various high placed members of local government. I mean, if you are going for soft.”

Friend: “Pink is all I can commit to at this time.”

Me: “Understandable.”

Those are just two of the many many many conversations I’ve had lately as many of my friends collectively suffer from the New Years FREAK THE HELL OUT Virus. Another year has officially passed, we are inching are way towards 30 (aka: the point of no return (or at least the point at which we are officially unable to blame our stupidity on youth)) and we need to lose 10 pounds, make more money and have at least 2.5 kids within a year or so. Mathematically this is troublesome at best and therefore we are FREAKING THE HELL OUT.

And by “we” I mean, “everyone else, not me”. I tend to have my FREAK OUT around April. Who knows why, I think that’s when the year starts to feel like it’s getting away from me. Right now? I’m all, “It’s January, and fresh and new, and there are infinite possibilities! Some of which include me suffering from a major case of frostbite while on the East Coast. But still! New Year! New Plans! New plotting of friend’s death so I can come into some money!” Ah, it’s an exciting time.

So to all my friends who are FREAKING THE HELL OUT my advice is this: Stay away from Go Girl! energy drinks (you are already operating in cap-lock mode, it can’t be healthy for your heart to beat any faster), call me whenever you are having a meltdown (I have been watching Oprah this season and can walk you through most of your emotions (and tell you how to pick the perfect bra)), and when all else a pink shirt (not really sure why, but I’m afraid of my “soft” friend and don’t want to disagree with her theory).

Happy FREAKING OUT everyone...


Patricia said...

i'd say to warn friend #1 not to eat anything you've cooked but we both know she's safe on that front.

friend #2 could definitely benefit by switching to decaf.

30's cool as hell. but god how i hated hearing that and now here i am, doing it anyway. nice.

operating in cap-lock mode perfect! description.

Lynn said...

Thirty schmirty. 40 is when ALL the good stuff starts happening. Why you ask? By the time you're 40 you don't care about all the crap you thought was a big deal at 30. I'd give you a list but it's way too long. Seriously.

mom said...

Yowza, yowza, yowza. Who's leaving you money? Now here's something I can actually help with . . . I watch Murder She Wrote all the time. I know how NOT to get caught (just don't kill anyone within a 1000 mile radius of Jessica Fletcher--aka Angela Lansbury)

Ophelia said...

It's been uncharacteristically toasty here in D.C. as of late. I wouldn't worry, but pack some sweatpants that can fit discreetly under slacks just to be safe. Everyone tells me it is raining right now, but I haven't been outside yet.

Chunks said...

I remember back in the day,(isn't that what old people say?) when I had my "operating in cap-lock mode" mid-midlife crisis, when I was 28.

It is a time when you look back, ten years after high school and think "I'M NOT WHERE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE!!" and you act all crazy and weird. It passes. Like a bad bean burrito, but it passes.

I can't wait until 40! All my friends who are 40 are just so "themselves" looks like it will be fun.

dawn said...

Chunks, it's definitely the 10 year reunion thing. Which is weird, because all of our friends still hang out from high school, so who the hell is everyone worried about impressing at this reunion? Guess what, they weren't impressed with you last week at dinner, they aren't going to be impressed with you at the reunion.

Rochelle said...

Bet I can guess who that soft friend might be... RW, if you're reading, pink's not going to get you anywhere.

dawn said...

Rochelle, do not agitate RW, she may be wearing pink, but she still scares me.

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