Monday, September 25, 2006

Mom is sooooo funny

I am still reading my book for the 11th time, because, shocker of shockers, it is due tomorrow. I do not have time to blog. So I will post a handy list that my smart-ass mother wrote when I moved into my house. She went shopping to stock me up on all things domesticated, because she knew I would probably never get around to those things. Then she decided to label every one of the things that she bought and outline what each item was and how I was to use it. This is my mother being a smartass, because, look at Dawn, she a single working woman and she goes years without using her oven. Whatever. I’m so misunderstood.

Sometimes I make tater tots in that oven.


DIRECTIONS FOR DAWN
1. Paper Towels: Used to wipe up spills; use with cleaning products

2. Ziploc Gallon: Store left overs or seal items that should not be exposed to the air

3. Glad Cling Wrap: This can be wrapped around the multitude of plastic containers you have for left overs (of course, you must have first-time, before you can have left overs)

4. Cascade: Fill dispenser in dish washer. Close door, start wash cycle

5. Dawn Detergent: Use for one or two items as an alternative to the dishwasher.

6. Sponges: Use to wipes up spills and to assist in clean up

7. Comet Bathroom Cleaner: Spray on shower/tub and use #6 to wipe away

8. Windex Multi Task: It’s not just for windows any longer-ergo the name “Multi Task”. It can be used to clean up grease! (that may come from cooking, if you cook) Not sure if you can use it on Corion.

9. Brush/Scrubbers/Scour up Sponge: Use with #5 above on dirty dishes

10. Lysol Power Toilet Bowl Cleaner: Squirt in toilet, let sit a few minutes, swish with toilet brush (NOT DISH BRUSH IN #9), flush

11. Endust: Spray on furniture (NOT THE RED COUCH—ONLY WOOD), wipe with soft cloth (# )

12. Ziploc Sandwich Size: Make and take your lunch to work—No more Jack’s Diner

13. Reynolds Wrap: Put over left overs OR line your pans so you won’t have to use #9

14. Soft Scrub Gel: For your sinks; Not sure if you can use it on Corion (it has Bleach in it)

15. Softsoap: for the kitchen or bathroom, depending where you are the dirtiest

16. Kleenex: for those days you can’t go to work because you have a runny nose

17. Handi Wipes: For the kitchen counters/dishes/etc.

18. Cutting Boards: For all of the lettuce and fruit you will be cutting up

19. Caress: Bar soap for the tub/shower

20. Mainstays Flour Sacks: Use with #11

21. Broom: For the garage/kitchen floor/bathroom floors. Do not use on carpet

22. Dust pan: Use with #21

23. Oven Mitts: For all of the hot food you will be making. Put on hands first before touching hot surfaces

24. Kitchen towels: To be used after you use #5 and #9

25. Mop: To use on kitchen/bathroom floors. Do not use on carpet

26. Tide: Use in washer—not dryer

27. Snuggle: Use in dryer—not washer

28. Bath Towels/Hand Towel/Wash Cloth: For your showers

29. Bath pouf: To be used BEFORE you use #28

30. Toilet Paper: Self explanatory (I hope)

31. Chip Clip: Clip on the top of the chip bag . . . if there is anything left over in the bag

32. Napkins: To be used by diners. Do not put in dishwasher.

33. Jack Links: for those late night/early morning snacks

34. Pasta: Cook according to directions on box

35. Ragu: Heat, pour over cooked #34

BON APETIT!!!!


Is sarcasm hereditary? Me thinks so.

5 comments:

tornwordo said...

I like how she doesn't want you to be confused between the dish brush and the toilet brush. What a great mom.

A diner said...

I think she needs to put up a disclaimer for #32. You might accidentally take those napkins to a diner and then complain that you have nothing to wipe the ragu off of your face with. Your mom is hilarious, I like that she has to qualify the sofa as not counting as furniture for the Endust. Cause I see the logic, you might actually use it on the red sofa, then blame her!

Dean said...

OMG I am still laughing over this one!! Mom has outdone herself again!

I love the way she numbered them and then made reference to "use with # so and so" -LOL

Mom, we expect a report in a month to see how Dawn is doing.

By the way... Dawn detergent was not made specifically for you -hahaha!

teri said...

did you know about the certain person we used to work with who sprayed pledge on the couch in the quiet room because she had a rash when she sat on it! If AB reads this she will laugh, laugh, laugh!

Chunks said...

Sounds like the apple didn't fall far from the tree in the old sense of humour department!!

Your mom sounds like a gas!