Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Running from the Chapel

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, decided a couple years ago that she was madly in love with a boy. She had known this boy for approximately twenty-five minutes and she was convinced that she was going to marry him and live happily ever after. She instantly started perusing the web for the best wedding rings and dresses. During her time online she entered her name and wedding date into many a wedding website.

Then after about forty-five minutes of knowing Mr. Wonderful she realized that he was in fact Mr. Really Big Jackass. This put a damper on the wedding plans and an end to her online wedding research. However, as it turns out, the internet does not forget so easily…

It seems that one of these sites where she entered her info likes to send out periodic e-mails congratulating the happy couple on their various anniversaries. So even though she called off the wedding, told everyone that the guy was a Really Big Jackass, and tried to put the whole thing behind her she still gets an e-mail every few months saying, “Happy (insert number of months) Anniversary!!”

It’s horrible.

And quite hilarious.

Today she got the “Happy 15 Month Anniversary!!” that read: “You’ve been married 470 days!” And then it offered advice on how to merge two living styles into one happy couple. That’s helpful. You know what would be even more helpful? Not being reminded of your failed relationships via e-mail every few months. Could you imagine – “Happy 15 Month Anniversary of Your Heart Breaking!!” “Your train-wreck of a relationship ended 470 days ago!!” Good times.

The advice kills me though, I’m convinced it’s written by 85 year-old woman:

“Replace the hot-pink single-gal pillows on the sofa with more gender-neutral solid brown and understated floral versions.” You know why a girl with hot-pink pillows is single? Cause she’s 13 years old. What adult woman has hot-pink pillows? Seriously.

“Replace your guy’s favorite recliner with a swanky, upscale-looking model that cleverly conceals all of the mechanisms that make it function.” I have a lot of straight, single male friends and not one of them owns a beat up recliner. Because most of my straight, single male friends are actually trying to get laid by straight, single women.

So basically this website offers complete useless advice to married people and serves as a periodic reminder of bad relationship choices to those who ran like hell from the chapel.

My god, what did we do before the internet?


AM said...

You mean there was life before the internet?

Single Straight Male said...

The worst part of this is the inexplicable abuse and misuse of the term "Anniversary"!

As we all know (hopefully), "Anniversary" refers to something that occurs ONCE A YEAR - hence the "ann" section of the word. When someone verbalizes they are celebrating their "16 week, 3 days and 8 hours Anniversary" of holding their boyfriend's hand for the first time, it really shows their ignorance and also the completely unnecessary reason for celebrating something for the sake of celebrating it. Why not just say "it was xxxxxxxx amount of time since we first kissed, or hey, here's a thankful you actually HAVE someone to make out with instead of harping on the fact that you've been doing it since XXXXX and rubbing it in our faces because you're insecure about losing said person in the scenario and have to boast...

"...cleverly conceals all of the mechanisms that make it function"????? Like we CARE about unconcealed mechanisms???????

Thank God your friend didn't really get married, because the advice being offered by this completely clueless online nincompoop would certainly destroy their marriage for good.

Anonymous said...

Who likes relationships anyway? Tell her to change her email address!

I heart pink pillows!!

Single Straight Male said...

I agree with the a noni-mouse! Change your email address! And pink pillows are only good if they are being thrown off the bed during an uninhibited moment.

Anonymous said...

Um, as the individual in question getting sent the e-mails, might I make a few corrections?

First - I knew him for at least an hour.
Second - it was not as if "DECIDED" I was going to marry him independently. We looked at rings. He talked to my dad.
Third - I did not put my name in many website. I put it in ONE FREAKING WEBSITE (the Knot)- which is apparently the ONE FREAKING WEBSITE that sends monthly e-mails.
Fourth - I tried several times to be removed from the list. I called. I e-mailed. I bitched.
Fifth - and most important - he is not just a jack-ass. He was a man-whore.

The rest of the story is true.

Anonymous said...

Hey (ahem) "Anonymous"! WorkMommy here. You knew him for twenty-five minutes, and it's not like your work-mommy didn't try to warn you!

work daddy said...

This give a whole new meaning to the term "speed dating". I'd say wait at least a month before you decide to marry and divorce someone, and register your name on a web site stating it was possible you might be spousal units.