Costumes

Ah, the holidays. Not the silly ones that involve family and church and presents. But the ones that involve dressing up in a ridiculous fashion and drinking your weight in hard alcohol. Ain’t tradition great? Who needs religious holidays when you can instead celebrate the human need to gather together while wearing silly hats?

This weekend I went to a Halloween party and this picture was taken of me:

I’m sorry that it is blurry. My digital camera does not like any movement from the either the person taking the picture or the person in the picture. Given the fact that this picture was taken at 4 a.m. the odds of either one of us being able to stand in a steady fashion were very slim. So we’ll have to make do with what a digital camera and two intoxicated people can do.

The party started out normally, with everyone in their costumes and what not. But as the night wore on the costumes lost their allure (and their comfortableness) and slowly started being discarded by their wear-ers. But do not fear, the discarded paraphernalia quickly found a home on other party-goers until the whole party looked like we had collaborated to collectively dress as an Acid Trip.

Hence my costume at the end of the evening. Let’s break it down, shall we?

1) This is a Witch’s hat. Or possibly some sort of Fortune Girl thing. I’m not sure.

2) This came from the Slutty Cop. We don’t really know why she had this, unless she was planning on engaging in some morally reprehensible interrogation tactics. I was able to confiscate this item from her during the time in the evening that she was handcuffed. Turns out alcohol plus handcuffs will often result in the hilarious handcuffing of several people. And it will also result in tremendously complicated de-handcuffing efforts which would rival the concentration efforts needed by a team of brain surgeons. If brain surgeons wore mini-skirts. And kept losing their handcuff key.

3) This is where we get a little indecent. These items are part of a very tasteful Wet T-Shirt Contest Contestant. The costume also included a see-through white shirt as well as a man dressed in a skirt and a wig. Apparently his understated outfit went over well with the judges, as the blue sash declares him the winner of the contest.

4) This is my actual costume. It’s half devil/half angel. There are wings, which I gave to the Cowboy, and a half halo/half horn head thing. I do not think it was merely a coincidence that my halo was broken before I even put it on my head. I also do not think it was at all appropriate for the Gynecologist to ask me if the red side of my dress was going to come off before the end of the party.

5,6,7) I have no idea who I stole this from, there are quite a few possibilities. We had the Pregnant Nun (who tragically lost his child around 1 a.m. due to an unfortunate leaking issue); the Pervert Priest who came complete with a fishing pole with Jolly Ranchers on the end (used to bait in small children (and also quite effective at pulling large platters of food off tables when misdirected)); Another Pervert Priest who, thanks to a strategically placed inflatable balloon thing was uh, “excited” quite a bit; and then there was the Catholic School Girl who I thought was Britney Spears circa Hit Me Baby One More Time. But turns out I was wrong, she was just a Catholic School girl.

Another girl actually was Britney, circa My Hubby Doesn’t Have A Dime. She too lost her baby by the end of the night. It was not a good evening for fetuses. The most tragic of the baby fatalities had to be when Katie Holmes lost her baby when the crazy Scientologists snatched it from her womb and put it in the Coors Light box in the corner. (To which someone yelled, “Nobody puts baby in the corner!”) This baby abduction left Katie scarred and frightened. But most of all it left her looking like a girl whose entire costume consisted of a homemade button that said "I Heart Tom".

So then, that’s my costume in a nutshell. A rather large nut, actually. I’m taking the ten-year old cousin trick o’ treating and promised her I’d dress up with her. How do you think Child Protective Services would feel about me wearing this costume while I wander the streets? The good news is my breasts double quite nicely as pillows, so if I get arrested at least I’ll be able to nap while in the slammer.