Friday, October 14, 2005

I’m Here to Inform

My boss went to pick up my latest piece of printed beauty the other day and found an ever-so-helpful piece of literature that had been printed and offered up by our Print Guy. For the record, I did not want to go with this Print Guy, because he annoyed me by constantly calling and offering his printing services. And once you annoy me, you move out of my “Make an Effort to Deal With” category and into my “Tell Them I Passed Away When They Call” category. But apparently my boss is a little more patient than I and took over talking to the annoying man once I faked my death to avoid his calls.

Knowing how fond I was of this man she handed me this helpful piece of literature with a grin and, “Our Print Guy wanted you to have this.”

The dude seriously printed these up and is handing them out to his customers.

I’m thinking that is why he has had to resort to repeated calling to try to get new customers. But since this blog is all about informing and educating (see: Yesterday’s Noodle Story) I thought I’d offer you, my dear readers, some tips on finding your way to happiness. Just in case you didn’t realize that your way to happiness was to be found via a print shop in Northern California.

This tip was to be found under the “Be of good appearance” rule. This seems to be encouraging nudity, doesn’t it? As long as you scrub up before you strip down, you’ll be happy. Obviously this is not a guide on the way to happiness for the people around you.

Nude and competent. Are there people who STRIVE to be incompetent and could actually be talked out of their incompetence by the mere suggestion that perhaps they would be happier if they weren't so dumb? I think that incompetence is like craziness. The incompetent don’t know they are incompetent, do they? Which makes them very happy, and the people around them not so happy.

FINALLY, a rule I can get behind. Nothing worse than incompetent companions, wanting to stop every five minutes at the AM/PM, when you are trying to move along on your road to happiness. (although many may argue that the road to happiness runs right through an AM/PM)

What a buzzkill. I think this should read “Don’t GET CAUGHT doing anything illegal”. That’s when the unhappiness tends to set in.

If you do something and wonder if it’s illegal, go to your library and look it up. Just ask the librarian, “Uh, my, uh, friend was wondering where the reference section for “robbing a string of mini-marts” can be found.” Then, once you do your research, run like hell, cause you are now “laid open to an attack by the state”. That doesn’t sound fun at all.

Wow, deep stuff. But it seems like I’ve heard this somewhere before…maybe my last print shop?

Oh, yeah. That’s helpful. This is an actual footnote for the Golden Rule, just in case you blacked out your 5th thru 25th year on earth and needed to be educated.

Sure, this is an easy one for the annoying Print Guy.

I’m officially weirded out now.

Ain’t nobody gonna wanna get undecent with you if your teeth ain’t right. And by the way, let me know how that whole “suggest to others that they preserve their teeth” thing goes.

At all?

Oh, so as long as I murder only complete strangers I’m all good on the happiness front. Whew!

Uh, Crazy Out of Control Metephor Alert!!

Wow. That was helpful, was it not? I can’t wait to see what my Sign Guy will have at his shop to help me lead a better life. I do so hope all my vendors are looking out for my happiness.

And are you wondering who is behind such a riveting piece of literature?

Well, hop on a couch and call me KooKoo for Cocoa Puffs, if it ain’t L. Ron Hubbard himself. Now you see how Katie Holmes got lured in huh? Ya’ll keep your teeth clean and someday you too may get to artificially impregnate a former teen heartthrob. Dream big kids.


DivineOmega said...

Well, that makes sense. Personally, I've never found murder to be a prticularly great way of makin friends.

Rochelle said...

Oh my, this made me laugh so hard. I think I would be avoiding calls from Print Guy too. Though talking to him might be amusing...

Kelly Preston said...

Uh, Dawn? Do you think I could have a copy of that one? I seem to have mislaid my "Hitchhiker's Guide to Cleaning Your Naked Thetans" and I'm feeling dangerously incompetent and edgy this morning. Thanks, in advance.

Cathy said...

I thought Tom and Katie were crazy; nope, just trying their darndest to be Competent (rule #17). This was hilarious.

Patricia said...

i was thinking jehovah's witness while i was reading (insert the obligatory not that there's anything wrong with that) and then i find that it's scientology.

i'd get a chisel and a rock to print my stuff before i'd use this guy. personal beliefs are great. as long as businesses keep them personal.

Bob said...

Dawn - what gets me is that you actually had to read a significant amount of this. Your craziness has been confirmend. So - are you happy?

Jenn said...

How can you not like the Print Guy? Ahahaha.