Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Another Month, Another Outfit
It’s October, the month of dressing up. Or if you are the ceramic dog on my mother’s front porch, it’s October, just another month.
This month the dog is getting into the spirit of the holiday with quite a little vampire costume. Complete with fangs and everything. And some sort of toupe? Did Dracula wear a toupe? I’m not sure. But I’m almost certain he wore pants, did he not? Seems as though Fido is taking Dracula into the new millennium, pushing the envelope and what not.
Every time I see Fido I am reminded of another inanimate animal in the family. My aunt used to have a ceramic goose that my cousin would dress up every month (yes, the aunt that is my mom’s sister. lord help me if this need to cloth ceramic animals is hereditary.) When she first got the thing I thought she was insane. Not only because she dressing poultry but because she actually thought that no one was going to steal said poultry.
“You live in a college town, everyone can see your porch from the sidewalk. Do you really think the goose is going to make it through an entire weekend of drunk college kids wandering by?”
“Who would steal a ceramic goose?”
“Uh, the before mentioned drunk college kids. And it’s not JUST a goose. It’s a goose wearing a parka. That is entertaining. Even if you aren’t drunk.”
“But why would they steal it?”
“BECAUSE THEY ARE DRUNK. AND COLLEGE KIDS. Are you not listening? Drunk college kids have the tendency to literally KILL themselves when they are drinking. That’s how bright they are. I once stole a For Sale sign off one yard and put it on another yard in a different neighborhood, making an entirely new house for sale.”
“Because you were drunk?”
“Actually, no, I don’t even think I was drunk. But I was in college. And therefore stupid.”
“Would you have stolen my goose?”
“I probably would have. But I would have given it a great home. In my room next to the Neighborhood Watch sign I stole.”
“What is it with you and signs?”
“Well, the Neighborhood Watch sign was just for the sake of irony. That particular neighborhood wasn’t watching so well, as it turns out.”
Despite my warnings my aunt put the goose on her front porch, all dressed and ready to go. Within a week the goose was gone, another victim of underage drinking.
Thank god my mom doesn’t live near any bars. I don’t think our family could survive another tragic loss of any more porch paraphernalia. Godspeed Mr(s). Goose, godspeed.
Other Fido outfits:
Posted by dawn at 12:30 AM