Health Food

Sometimes the world is a bad place. Sometimes there are wars and famines and floods. Sometimes, before you go on a “vacation” you have to choose between getting deathly ill from a malaria pill or risking just catching the malaria. Sometimes you have to work on a political campaign in which plotting and getting away with the murder of every single person working on the campaign seems like it would take far less effort than getting every single one of those people to agree on anything.

But sometimes the world is a pretty great place too. Because sometimes you write a blog about how all you ever buy at the grocery store are Bags of Salad, Mountain Dew and Twinkies. And then sometimes, because of the world being beautiful and pure and equipped with its very own mail delivery service, you receive a care package in which someone decides to cross one item off your grocery list:

Twinkies make all the rest of the crap seem almost bearable. Probably because I am on a sugar high after eating 3 of them.

Can I tell you how much I love Twinkies? So very much. They are all spongy and golden and creamy. And they can apparently (according to the box) look smashing in cowboy boots. Cause nothing says good ol’ country livin’ like a Twinkie…

As I eat my next Twinkie I am reminded of a time in elementary school in which some health expert/food guy came to our classroom and asked us all about the food we eat. He had us take our lunches out and describe how many food groups we had represented in our midday meal. I said I had all four. He said he only spotted three. I said he was wrong. I pointed to my turkey sandwich, there’s the bread and meat. I pointed to my apple, there’s the fruit. I pointed to my Twinkie, there’s the dairy. And I was being serious (my sarcasm towards complete strangers didn’t kick in for a few more years). This health expert/food guy was quite appalled that I thought “creamy filling” constituted a significant contribution to my daily milk requirement. So appalled that he quoted me in the article he was writing for the newspaper. And that, my dear readers, was the first and last newsworthy thing I have ever said in my life.

Although, since I haven’t been to the grocery store in a month I may attract the local media with my attempt to survive on only Twinkies and Mountain Dew for the next two weeks. At four Twinkies a day I’m definitely going to need another care package to help keep me nourished.