Holiday Cheer

(I'd like to preface this entry by saying that my computer is officially pissed off at me and therefore decided to deny me use to any of my programs, including Microsoft Word and it's wonderful Spell Check Function. If you don't recognize a word, just sound it out, that's probably how I ended up spelling it.)

I am very happy that all of you enjoyed my touching and heartfelt ChrisKwanziKah song. I'm sure there were a lot of tears as I touched on quite a few moving subject matters (example: Bling Bling and matzo balls). And now I'd like to give you a glimpse into what has to happen in order to put together brilliance like the ChrisKwanziKah song.

1) YOU MUST TRY TO FIND A MENORAH. Uh, yeah, so I went to 4 stores and couldn't find a menorah anywhere. I went to Kohls and asked the nice cashier if they had any menorahs. She said, "Ummm, refresh my memory on what a menorah is?". After I refreshed her memory she remembered they didn't have any. Then I went to the supermarket and asked the Grocery Guy if they had any menorahs. And HE said, "Ummmm, remind me what a menorah is?" He then he took me to the Jewish section of the store, with matzo balls and other really unattractive food, but not a menorah in sight. Then I went to Michael's, which is a craft store, full of all things holiday and crafty and over-the-top festive. So full, in fact, that there was no room for any menorahs. But if you needed 3654 gingerbread houses they could hook you up. Then I went over to Ross, thinking that their random assortment of home knick knacks might include a lonely menorah. Uh, no. But they did have a glass high heel full of spices. Classy. So then, I was forced to cut a menorah out of tacky cardboard. Which is really too bad, cause the rest of the song was so un-tacky.

2) YOU MUST BE THE WORST ROOMMATE EVER. I was a bit worried when I got home at 9:30 and The Roommate was already sleeping. I knew that the ChrisKwanziKah song was a lot of things, but conducive to a peaceful slumber was not one of them. My only hope was that perhaps she was very ill and had been sleeping for so long that she was now in a deep REM sleep that even 254 BA! BA! BA! BA!'s wouldn't disturb. I was wrong. She text messaged me the next day, "Were you rapping downstairs last night? Were you drunk?" When I wrote back that I was singing a song she said, "No Holiday Spirit MY ASS." Then I showed her the video and she pointed to the screen, "That's what I kept hearing, the BA! BA! BA! BA! I couldn't figure out if I was dreaming or if you were really screaming downstairs." "Um, I call it "singing", not "screaming"."

3) YOU HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE TO SING WITH YOU. Everyone keeps asking me, "Who is that poor guy you got to sing with you?" and then, "Are you dating him?" and then, "Is he gay?". The answers are: A friend who has no shame. No. No, but he's not afraid to do an occasional high kick. I knew that I needed a singing partner to tackle the tremendous vocal challenge that is ChrisKwanziKah, and Rafeal seemed like a great fit. When he said, "I have the perfect shirt for you, it's a Raiders jersey circa AC Slater," I knew I had met a perfect ChrisKwanziKah contributor. I told him he needed to find a cheesy Dr. Huxtable-type of sweater and he came through like a champ. And also, unlike me, he'd never sung the song before he arrived for the big taping, hence the 40 minutes of outtakes I have. Yesterday he called me and said, "We should do a song for EVERY holiday."

Please brace yourself for the President's Day Song, coming soon to a blog near you.