Thursday, December 22, 2005

The &%$@*@# Post Office Part 2

(Part I here)


Must mail 850 Christmas cards for a client today.

As Christmas is in like four minutes.

Only have 400 stamps.

This is going to make it difficult to mail the other 450.

Go to post office four days before Christmas.

Best idea ever.

Walk the three blocks to the post office from my house.

Pouring down rain.

Sideways really.

Get inside.

Am told by security that I can't bring my camera phone inside, must take phone back to car before being allowed into the building.

Tell security in a completely calm, rational manner that I walked here, I can't put it in the car.

Am told that there can simply not be camera phones in the building.

Because, seriously, does the government think that that is going to be the downfall of national security? #%&^$*&@# camera phones? Really.

Put the camera/missile transport device in the hallway.

Am told it can't be in the building.

Put phone outside in the rain.

Which is TOTALLY going to help it's already uneven ringing abilities, I'm sure.

Tell the security guy that I can take my phone into every other post office in the country.

Am told that the building I'm in is a federal building, that is why camera phones are not allowed.

Want to tell the the security man that I'm not surprised that people are plotting to blow up federal buildings with camera phones.

But don't have time for the inevitable body cavity search that that declaration would cause when Bush's eavesdroppers heard me.

Wait for 18 hours to get to the front of the line.

Once there I tell the nice lady that I need 450 stamps.

She asks if I want the new stamp rate that will go into effect in January, or the old stamp rate.

I say the old is fine.

She says they are out of rolls of stamps.

At the post office.

Thank god I didn't have my phone missile with me, or I would have clicked it right then.

Am told that they have quite a few pages of stamps.

You know the "collectors" editions.

The one with dead people and animals on them.

Great.

I say that these are for a politician's Christmas card.

"Well, then probably not the Valentine's candy hearts that say I Love You on them."

"Probably not."

"Everyone loves cars, right? How about these?"

"Uh, no."

"How about these former World War II Generals?"

"He's a Democrat. Something about putting war generals on his Christmas cards seems wrong."

"Does he like architecture?"

"Look, I'll just take the jungle theme. Animals are liberal."

"Oh, that's a great choice."

I start counting them out.

She starts ringing them up.

I'm picturing how fired I am for putting an armadillo on my client's Christmas card.

Then I have a thought.

"Do you not have any rolls at all, or just none of the old stamps?"

"Oh, we've got plenty of the new ones."

"Um, you can stop scanning those 40 pages of stamps. Cause I'm going to go with the more expensive stamps. I think my future employment is worth the extra 3 cents a stamp."

"Are you sure? This antelope is quite pretty."

"I think I'm sure."

I wasn't before, but I am now definitely looking for various ways my cell phone can destroy this post office.

From the puddle outside, of course.

5 comments:

Carrie said...

What is it about camera phones that is so bad? And really, what does the post office have to hide? Did the nice lady behind the counter start wearing XXX rating clothing. Or better yet, none at all. Come on it's not like the post office has become the new center for shredding all top-secrect gov. papers....or have they?

Chunks said...

Holy crap that is ridiculous that you can't bring a picture phone into the POST OFFICE?! Bizarre!

Our nearest post office is in the grocery store. You can bring/buy whatever into that place! Security, scmecurity. Of course, what the hell do I know, I am Canadian, our military consists of a guy with a slingshot and a hanglider.

Jenn said...

Why couldn't the security guard just hang on to your phone for you? You have the crappiest luck but you always make it funny. For me anyway. :)

dawn said...

carrie: if the people were wearing XXX rated clothing the whole thing might have been worth it.

chunks: canada rocks.

jenn: you obviously do not understand that the phone CANNOT BE ANYWHERE WITHIN THE BUILDING. america does not rock.

Patricia said...

well thanks for the good news on stamps going up. appreciate that.

but at least our federal buildings are safe from all those dangerous, non-ringing, prone-to-fly-away phones out there.