Monday, May 22, 2006


These are my “ears”. They go in my real ears and make it so I can hear. Who knew miracles could come is such small packages? I did. Cause I went many a year without them, in a miracle-free time. A quiet time too, as it were.

The thing with hearing aides is they help you hear what you otherwise could not. But see, there are like three pitches of sound that I can hear fine without hearing aides. And whenever that pitch is made audible I am basically just a person with microphones in her ears, trying desperately to unplug them before her eardrums explode. If you are interested in knowing what pitches I can hear you do not have to consult any of my medical files. You only have to look here:

Oh dear lord.

The child I am tending to this week just LOVES her this instrument. If you can call it that. Cause instruments make music, this thing does not. And I don’t think it’s just because the child has the musical talent of a drunk walrus, I don’t think this “instrument” could EVER make a pleasant sound. And believe me, it’s had plenty of chances to come through with one or two pleasant sounds this weekend. It was unable to perform.

Have you ever wondered what “Mary Had a Little Lamb” would sound like if sung by a cat in heat that was being sawed in half? Cause I actually have a frame of reference on that.

The word “Fun” may in fact be the overstatement of the millennium.

You know what is fun? This:

You know when I took this picture? During a lovely performance of “Mary Had a Sawed In Half Cat”. Do you notice where the ears are? Not in my ears. And there you have the real miracle of the hearing aides: Just as they bring the world into my ears they can just as quickly make the world go very quiet. Hearing impairment makes parenting a lot easier, everyone should try it.

In other impairment news:

The child apparently has a Keeping Fish Alive impairment. It afflicts many a child. This fish tank was the home of a fish with a fro just a short while ago. And now nothing but bubbles remain. So very sad. I will have you know that the fish died before I came on duty and therefore nothing has perished on my watch. Yet.

The instrument may take an unfortunate tumble while I’m here though...


Patricia said...

is it wrong to think the patriotic nature of your ears is way cool?

i say you return her to former aunt (because this is bound to get you disowned) with a snazzy new drum set.

Chunks said...

I remember when both my kids had to play that god forsaken recorder at home. That is still the impressionable age when a child will do WHATEVER a teacher asks them. They tooted and honked on that damn thing, the dog howled, my eyes watered, and yet they played on. What I would have given to have had a hearing impairment at that time!

Now that I think of it, I could use that now!! My oldest listens to the Moulin Rouge soundtrack and D12 back to back. It'e enough to make a mama mental!

Glad to see you're surviving your "Crash Test Mommy" week!

tornwordo said...

I think I still have mine in a box in my mom's attic. Unless she burned it, and who could blame her if she did.