I feel as though my blog should be about more than me rambling on and on about whatever is on the TV right before I decide to write my blog. I feel as though this blog should be a place for people to gather helpful information that they can then use to better their lives. (Although I did tell you guys about my love of Bags O’ Salad and midgets, so I haven’t exactly been leaving you to wander the earth with no helpful information whatsoever.)
So in an effort to educate you, my two readers, I offer you this very sound information I gathered from my weekend. Go ahead and grab your pen and paper for note-taking purposes, I’ll wait…
Okay:
If a child who has gotten her ears pierced 5 weeks ago takes those earrings out for her entire soccer game her earring holes will not close up by the end of the game. This is simply a fact. So when the child begins to cry while taking the earrings out and/or while putting them back in you can inform her that you heard from a very reliable source that her earring holes would not close up in one hour’s time. If I had had a reliable source to reference perhaps I would not have been putting earrings back into the ears of a 9 year-old every time she came off her soccer field in a panic over her rapidly closing earring holes.
When you go to Chevy’s Mexican Restaurant do not bother ordering and actual meal. What is the point really? You are only there to eat as much chips and salsa as can fit into your body without your pants beginning to cut off your circulation to your lower extremities. And then you are adding muchas margaritas in order to re-hydrate yourself after all those salty chips. By the time your actual meal gets to your table you are so full all you really feel like eating is the free tortillas. And you only eat those because you’ve run out of chips and need another transportation device for the salsa. So save everyone a lot of effort (mostly the paramedic who is going to have to revive you from a carb-enduced coma) and don’t order a meal. Just skip straight to dessert.
If you are going to go see the new Lennon musical at the Orpheum Theatre in San Francisco and you’re going to go to that restaurant that is about 7 blocks away and you’re going to walk that whole way and get kind of tired – don’t. It’s not open on Saturday afternoons. And if you decide to go to Subway instead and the guy in front of you orders 12 sandwiches – just leave. Cause a 12 sandwich order is just the exact amount of sandwiches needed to throw Subway and its employees into a full scale panic attack. Bread will be thrown, lettuce and cheese will be flying, curse words in foreign languages will be whispered. And you will still be waiting for your lunch.
If you are going to see the Lennon musical I will warn you now – he dies at the end. I know, I know, I hate to ruin things. But it really shocked me, things were going so well, he had turned his life around, he had a new baby boy, he’d uttered the words, “I feel like my new life is just beginning.” So there is no way anything bad could happen. But it did. And I don’t want you to be as crushed by it as I was. Power to the People.
This tip is mainly for the gentlemen readers: If you are at a club and you see a girl that you really want to dance with and then you go up behind her and start dancing and never get close enough to her that she actually KNOWS your are dancing with her – you have not shared any kind of special moment with this woman, and your future together is not going to be quite as bright as you are imagining it. I feel I must share this information with the fellas, cause when I’m out dancing with my girlfriends so many of you come up behind one of us and start dancing. Then another one of us – the one that can actually see you – gives your dance partner a look to let her know that she is an unwitting partner in a very uncoordinated dance. At this point the dancee gives her friend a look asking if the dancer is good-looking and when her friend gives a grimace as a reply the dancee immediately moves away from her suitor. Note to suitor: If a girl does this – for the love of god, do not follow her, your work here is done.
This is for everyone: If you are going to be designated driver to a group of friends who are planning on crashing at your house – make sure you have plenty of microwavable food and/or spring rolls. Nevermind. Just make sure you have plenty of spring rolls. And water. Lots of water. Oh and time. Make sure you have lots of time to listen to the newly realized revelations that can only come once one has reached the perfect combination of vodka, rum, beer and spring rolls.
When you are listening to these revelations until dawn – remember that you have to get up at 9 am.
When you are playing rec soccer and you realize that you don’t really have any defensive skills beyond slide tackling try not to partake in the tackling until you are defending someone other than a 250 pound man of steel.
After you regain consciousness show off your bruises to everyone who will look.
If you are in the market for a Bouncy House make sure you research all that the Bouncy House product has to offer these days. Today I witnessed the mother of all Bouncy Houses. It had like four sections, an obstacle course, a rope ladder, a bouncy house and a slide. It wasn’t so much a Bouncy House as a Bouncy Compound.
At some age it becomes pathetic to call up your parents and invite yourself over for dinner. That age is definitely much older than my current age.
If you are looking to volunteer your services to a foreign country you are going to have to spend like $3000. I have been trying for weeks to find an organization to volunteer with this summer. All I want to do is travel internationally and do something of value. The few organizations I found want me to pay $3000 to volunteer. There has got to be a more economical way to save the world. I mean, according to my late night infomercials I could save like a whole generation of kids with that much money.
When posting your used furniture on craigslist please remember – OLD does not mean RETRO. Thank you.
And lstly Pillsbury PastryStrudels arereallly goodd. But they are hard to eat while typing.
Now go children! Embrace the world with your newfound information.
You’re welcome.
So in an effort to educate you, my two readers, I offer you this very sound information I gathered from my weekend. Go ahead and grab your pen and paper for note-taking purposes, I’ll wait…
Okay:
If a child who has gotten her ears pierced 5 weeks ago takes those earrings out for her entire soccer game her earring holes will not close up by the end of the game. This is simply a fact. So when the child begins to cry while taking the earrings out and/or while putting them back in you can inform her that you heard from a very reliable source that her earring holes would not close up in one hour’s time. If I had had a reliable source to reference perhaps I would not have been putting earrings back into the ears of a 9 year-old every time she came off her soccer field in a panic over her rapidly closing earring holes.
When you go to Chevy’s Mexican Restaurant do not bother ordering and actual meal. What is the point really? You are only there to eat as much chips and salsa as can fit into your body without your pants beginning to cut off your circulation to your lower extremities. And then you are adding muchas margaritas in order to re-hydrate yourself after all those salty chips. By the time your actual meal gets to your table you are so full all you really feel like eating is the free tortillas. And you only eat those because you’ve run out of chips and need another transportation device for the salsa. So save everyone a lot of effort (mostly the paramedic who is going to have to revive you from a carb-enduced coma) and don’t order a meal. Just skip straight to dessert.
If you are going to go see the new Lennon musical at the Orpheum Theatre in San Francisco and you’re going to go to that restaurant that is about 7 blocks away and you’re going to walk that whole way and get kind of tired – don’t. It’s not open on Saturday afternoons. And if you decide to go to Subway instead and the guy in front of you orders 12 sandwiches – just leave. Cause a 12 sandwich order is just the exact amount of sandwiches needed to throw Subway and its employees into a full scale panic attack. Bread will be thrown, lettuce and cheese will be flying, curse words in foreign languages will be whispered. And you will still be waiting for your lunch.
If you are going to see the Lennon musical I will warn you now – he dies at the end. I know, I know, I hate to ruin things. But it really shocked me, things were going so well, he had turned his life around, he had a new baby boy, he’d uttered the words, “I feel like my new life is just beginning.” So there is no way anything bad could happen. But it did. And I don’t want you to be as crushed by it as I was. Power to the People.
This tip is mainly for the gentlemen readers: If you are at a club and you see a girl that you really want to dance with and then you go up behind her and start dancing and never get close enough to her that she actually KNOWS your are dancing with her – you have not shared any kind of special moment with this woman, and your future together is not going to be quite as bright as you are imagining it. I feel I must share this information with the fellas, cause when I’m out dancing with my girlfriends so many of you come up behind one of us and start dancing. Then another one of us – the one that can actually see you – gives your dance partner a look to let her know that she is an unwitting partner in a very uncoordinated dance. At this point the dancee gives her friend a look asking if the dancer is good-looking and when her friend gives a grimace as a reply the dancee immediately moves away from her suitor. Note to suitor: If a girl does this – for the love of god, do not follow her, your work here is done.
This is for everyone: If you are going to be designated driver to a group of friends who are planning on crashing at your house – make sure you have plenty of microwavable food and/or spring rolls. Nevermind. Just make sure you have plenty of spring rolls. And water. Lots of water. Oh and time. Make sure you have lots of time to listen to the newly realized revelations that can only come once one has reached the perfect combination of vodka, rum, beer and spring rolls.
When you are listening to these revelations until dawn – remember that you have to get up at 9 am.
When you are playing rec soccer and you realize that you don’t really have any defensive skills beyond slide tackling try not to partake in the tackling until you are defending someone other than a 250 pound man of steel.
After you regain consciousness show off your bruises to everyone who will look.
If you are in the market for a Bouncy House make sure you research all that the Bouncy House product has to offer these days. Today I witnessed the mother of all Bouncy Houses. It had like four sections, an obstacle course, a rope ladder, a bouncy house and a slide. It wasn’t so much a Bouncy House as a Bouncy Compound.
At some age it becomes pathetic to call up your parents and invite yourself over for dinner. That age is definitely much older than my current age.
If you are looking to volunteer your services to a foreign country you are going to have to spend like $3000. I have been trying for weeks to find an organization to volunteer with this summer. All I want to do is travel internationally and do something of value. The few organizations I found want me to pay $3000 to volunteer. There has got to be a more economical way to save the world. I mean, according to my late night infomercials I could save like a whole generation of kids with that much money.
When posting your used furniture on craigslist please remember – OLD does not mean RETRO. Thank you.
And lstly Pillsbury PastryStrudels arereallly goodd. But they are hard to eat while typing.
Now go children! Embrace the world with your newfound information.
You’re welcome.
4 comments:
Mmmmm, Pillsbury rolls...mmmm
I am on information overload after reading this! To much to soak in, but much needed information for me to survive in todays world.
Well...honestly I was going to say I watched "Foul Play" this weekend and it had Billy Barty in it. Didn't know who I thought of first, you or your Mom. That probably means that I now might need therapy.
-Dean
Whew!
This is exactly the kind of blogging I am talking about....random, informative, non-linear, brilliant. I was almost losing hope and thought you'd gotten disctracted by some new project you'd been working on. You actually WERE being distracted, but by several things, and have used the blog as a trasportation device for humorous tips and social advice. Thank you. Really. My Monday is already better.
Also, I have no plans to see the Lennon musical. You ruined the ending. Just like the Upside of Anger. :-)
I heart spring rolls!
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